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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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That's weird and sad and frustrating and a little funny at the same time isn't it? Of course I don't have to live with it. Can you find someone to come in and help you take care of her, giving you and your husband time away once in awhile? I'm just thinking that even though you may not be able to change what mind she has left, at least it will give you and your husband a break away from the craziness. Other than that, why argue with her? Her mind is shot to heck, so just tell her when she accuses you of taking her husband, 'You have a wonderful son mom and you did a wonderful job in raising him, which is why I love him so much'. Maybe by shifting the focus onto her 'son' she'll forget (at least temporarily) about the husband thing. Now I don't have any idea IF she really did do a 'wonderful job' raising him, but you get my drift.
My mother-in-law is stuck to my husband like glue. As soon as he comes home from work she's talking away and refuses to let us have anytime alone. It feels as though she has taken over my role as wife and I feel like a third wheel in my own house. I get frustrated and angry at the situation, not really the person. I realize she is old and most likely afraid but that stil does not diminish how I feel about it. Before I took on the role as caregiver I thought my mother-in-law was a lovely person, but after four years of my life being invaded I'm very unhappy. I'm sure your husband isn't overjoyed with it either but if you're like me you feel stuck because you love your husband and he doesn't know what else to do. Nursing homes are an option of course but my husband says he would feel too guilty. Hand in there you are not alone and your feelings are completely valid.
There is nothing wrong with putting your MIL in a nursing home as long as you investigate and find a good one. It gets me a little upset when I hear people say that it makes them feel guilty. My mom also didn't want to go but I had no choice and placed her in an ALF. It was the best thing I ever did. She is happier than she has been in years.....sometimes we have a terrible opinion of nursing homes but they all aren' t that way anymore. Please check them out and you will see for yourself.
I want to pick up on the phrase "and therefore we argue all the time." You've got a demented person on your hands who thinks something that's not true. Who is the "we" who argues all the time about it? If it's you and your MIL, there has got to be a way around arguing with a demented person. If it's you and your husband, it means the two of you have some work to do around the whole topic of having your MIL with you.... Good luck.
I'm certain you already know that arguing only creates escalating internal difficulties for all. And you already know that no matter how you rationalize or pursue it, arguing is just not worth the compounded problems it brings forth.
I encourage you to strive to better accept as fact that her mental condition precludes her ability to identify with reality, and sadly, reality may never again return.
What helped me overcome those many arguing considerations in my own experiences (with my Alzheimer's afflicted Mom) were three things. 1) I recognized that (in effect) I was arguing with an insane person in an attempt to get her to think logically and reasonably. That brought me to... 2) How foolish was I to constantly stress myself out (and all those around me) trying to regenerate the synapses of her brain... especially because I expected a 'reasoned and logical' change would come forth because of my articulation of facts. Then came, 3) I pursued developing the ability to laugh at myself because of that very foolishness. After all, I reasoned, if I continued to argue with her I would be proving to myself and to the world that I also didn't have a working brain with which to reason. Truly, rlacy6, my 'lighter side' viewing made the stress go away.
Please don't misunderstand. I well know the stress and the heartache. (My Mom asked me to marry her many times, didn't know me often and often disowned me when she did.) Please recognize that it is quite likely nothing is going to change... and unfortunately, things may even get worse. SHE can't help herself, but you can. YOU have in your mind the power of reason and logic. YOU therefore, have control of whether disruption will continue or whether you'll strive to better learn to just roll with the many and varied punches a non functioning mind throws out... and become a stronger person because of it.
I am so impressed by your answer. It helps put things in better perspective.
My 84 year old mother wanted me to take her to buy a puppy a couple weeks ago (we already have 3 dogs). I said I would not drive her to get the puppy and explained why. She had a meltdown like a 5 year old and said some pretty hurtful things. I followed my therapist's guidance - keep calm and don't do the dance and don't let her hatefulness eat you up.
rlacy6 - it must be very difficult for you. Hang in there,
Who cares, she is 90 !!!! Let her think it . I dont understand what the problem is. Sometimes my Mom thinks my husband is hers and she takes his hand, its so comforting to her, she soon forgets and it gives her back that feeling that she has a husband again, I am sorry , whats the problem? Fight over it? Are you jealous, who cares, yeeeegads!
I feel that the best way to look at this question is to look at her health issues. She may be looking at your husband as a reflection of her husband only a younger version. Living in the past is all that she may have and she wants to relive the happy times. To her you are the enemy and interfering with her memories. One of the answers may be for your husband to continually call her mom and state that blank is my wife and that dad is gone and he will help her with anything she needs but that he is her son not her husband. Have you talked with her doctor and expressed your anger. Maybe she just needs a different outlet.
If she has dementia you cannot reason with her, IF you tell her her husband died, she will mourn all over again. I think you need to call the alz association to find out these things, so normal, and bear with her, she desesrves any happiness she can have at her age.
Your mother-in-law probably has dementia and simply doesn't realize, at times, that your husband is her son and not her husband. Keep that in mind when she starts to argue. Defuse the situation the best you can by telling her she is right and apologize. She truly believes what she is saying. To argue with her would serve no purpose. Wishing you well.
Don't argue, just play along with it!! Put some humor in your life and one day you will look back and laugh! I use to plant tomatoes in my grandfathers lap! He couldn't go out to his garden and it mad him so happy (yes the plants we were planting were not real!!) I do the same thing with my husbands 98 yr old grandmother with Alz. I just play along as long as its something that's not going to cause harm to anyone. And we laugh at the story's we could write about all our pretend adventures! You laugh, they are happy and that takes the stress down a bit! Good luck to you and yours! :)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Can you find someone to come in and help you take care of her, giving you and your husband time away once in awhile? I'm just thinking that even though you may not be able to change what mind she has left, at least it will give you and your husband a break away from the craziness. Other than that, why argue with her? Her mind is shot to heck, so just tell her when she accuses you of taking her husband, 'You have a wonderful son mom and you did a wonderful job in raising him, which is why I love him so much'. Maybe by shifting the focus onto her 'son' she'll forget (at least temporarily) about the husband thing. Now I don't have any idea IF she really did do a 'wonderful job' raising him, but you get my drift.
I encourage you to strive to better accept as fact that her mental condition precludes her ability to identify with reality, and sadly, reality may never again return.
What helped me overcome those many arguing considerations in my own experiences (with my Alzheimer's afflicted Mom) were three things. 1) I recognized that (in effect) I was arguing with an insane person in an attempt to get her to think logically and reasonably. That brought me to... 2) How foolish was I to constantly stress myself out (and all those around me) trying to regenerate the synapses of her brain... especially because I expected a 'reasoned and logical' change would come forth because of my articulation of facts. Then came, 3) I pursued developing the ability to laugh at myself because of that very foolishness. After all, I reasoned, if I continued to argue with her I would be proving to myself and to the world that I also didn't have a working brain with which to reason. Truly, rlacy6, my 'lighter side' viewing made the stress go away.
Please don't misunderstand. I well know the stress and the heartache. (My Mom asked me to marry her many times, didn't know me often and often disowned me when she did.) Please recognize that it is quite likely nothing is going to change... and unfortunately, things may even get worse. SHE can't help herself, but you can. YOU have in your mind the power of reason and logic. YOU therefore, have control of whether disruption will continue or whether you'll strive to better learn to just roll with the many and varied punches a non functioning mind throws out... and become a stronger person because of it.
Good luck,
V
I am so impressed by your answer. It helps put things in better perspective.
My 84 year old mother wanted me to take her to buy a puppy a couple weeks ago (we already have 3 dogs). I said I would not drive her to get the puppy and explained why. She had a meltdown like a 5 year old and said some pretty hurtful things. I followed my therapist's guidance - keep calm and don't do the dance and don't let her hatefulness eat you up.
rlacy6 - it must be very difficult for you. Hang in there,
SnuBiz