She came to live with us after the death of my brother 2 years ago, she had been hinting at this long before then , I am now her only remains relative and as a child I got married and left home to escape her controlling behaviours , she is old school and spent most of her life pleasing and taking care of her own mother which she claims was her greatest joy , this was at the expense of her own husband and children who had to also do chores for grandmother, 37 years on now it's my turn , my mother believes it's my duty to involve her in every aspect of mine and my husbands life and frequently sulks for days if she doesn't get her way ,, I never ever agreed to this and am frustrated and angry that my mother thinks it's my duty to wait on her hand foot and finger as she did out of love for her mother !!! My life is my husband and my grown children and the relationship she now wants with me will never happen , I do not care for her enough in fact I do not even like her , I love her but have never been close to her and have no desire now to start !!! I take care of her needs , she's safe warm and fed is able to get out and about easily but refuses !! She resents my hubby and I having every other weekend doing things together and jibes me with sarcastic remarks , remarks she would never make to my hubby !!! She sits waiting for her food to be delivered to her lap , night after night and every night without fail will say as I walk away oh dear I could have come and got that , but in two years never has !! I've made the biggest mistake of my life allowing myself to be manipulated like a child again for her to live here but moving her out is not an option , she knows how to push my buttons and how to make me feel guilty ,, if anyone has any ideas or suggestions to help me I'd be very grateful thank you
Otherwise - you will have to set boundaries and a thick skin. What are you willing to do/ put up with? What are you not willing to? Then communicate this to her and hold her to it. Again, she will make you feel guilty.
What helped me was therapy. It might be something you need to do, so you can determine what YOU want (not what your mom wants), and the WILL to do it. Good luck to you.
NOTE - your mom is not going to change - it is up to you to change the situation.
2. Read the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
3. Stop dancing the emotional dance that your mother has you dancing using F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. The F.O.G. is strong with her and she's been in that darkness for years and is not going to change. You are the only one who can change by putting yourself on a healthier path regardless of what she does or does not do.
In several ways, my MIL is like your mother. Thus, I'll add this. When you get your freedom, your marriage will be much happier!
I wish you the very best and remember to take no prisoners in pursuit of the goal of getting your life back.
Kimber166 and cmagnum speak from experience. Listen to them! I do not share your experience and it took me a lot of reading on this forum to understand how hard it can be to disentangle yourself from a situation like this. With my lack of experience I would say, "For heaven sakes, throw her out!" but I realize now that is not an easy option. It may well take therapy to help you find what your really want and give you the support and strength to go for it.
Your mother 'came to live' with you.
You never ever agreed to this.
She sits waiting for food to be delivered to her lap, which night after night for two years is what has in fact happened - you can't really accuse her of having unreasonable expectations when they are confirmed on a daily basis.
Moving her out is not an option. Really? Why not?
Ideas or suggestions? Phew!
Well. If your life is focused on your husband and your grown children, what about consulting them about plans for the future? How would they like the family as a whole to move forward?
I'd also leave her to her own devices on the weekends. You don't owe her your life.
I realize this is easy for me to say. I come from a family with boundaries and no one is expected to give up their lives and privacy to care for an elder. Do find a therapist, and look into Adult Day Care. Or senior housing options.
Everyone of your stated rules at the start have been broken. They need to be reinforced by having consequences for her because she has broken them. A home cannot have two queens. Either the wife is queen or the mom is. She must be dethroned. I feel for you and your situation has reminded me of the anger I've felt over my MIL dethroning my wife until she stood her ground which I am proud of her for finally doing. It was not easy for her but with the support of her therapist over the years and my backing, she did. Her mother has never liked me and still doesn't which is ok. She's why there are MIL jokes.
Have you and your husband had a heart to heart talk about this and what needs to be done? How does he feel and what does he think about this? What about the feelings and thoughts of your grown children? How can they help you stand up to her. One thing I will add on this note. Your husband and children can help you but they can't do it for you. My wife tried to hide behind my pants and let me take her mother on for her. That didn't work. Nothing changed until she stood up to her mother.
Stand up and stop dancing with mom. Go out and dance on the the town with your husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
then POST THE RULES. A consistent schedule is the key to harmony.
Ideas for you:
1.find a bus for elders, elder daycare, senior center -- ask them to come invite and insist that she go participate on a regular basis.
2. Wear some large visible noise-cancelling headphones. I use industrial ear-protectors. Tell everyone you are not to be interrupted during certain hours, unless there's a fire.
3. She can't be happy herself to be so grumpy. Hide lots of probiotics in her foods, and give lactobacillus - fermented pickles and saurkraut.
4. is there anything the three of you could do together that would fulfill her longing for that, such as watch a favorite tv series together, do a puzzle twice a week...etc.
5. Get her favorite shows on DVD or on demand, and set certain times for viewing, so you know you'll have that time to yourself.
6. Assign her chores. with perks -- If you do the dishes, Mary from the senior center will take you to the buffet tomorrow.
7. Also --it bites, but kindness and praise is the best way to control behavior. Praise everything you like -- Mom, I surely do love it that you're independent and strong and we have our separate time that helps us get along. read "calmer happier easier parenting" book --same techniques
8. last resort -- herbs, antidepressants, anti-OCD meds, medical marijuana I hear can be put in chocoloate, melissa lemon balm tea, homeopathy, light therapy...
Vitamin D3 may be deficient.
Love and Good Luck!
Counseling is great, but, when there ware longstanding, complex family dynamics and dysfunction, it's not so easy to just fix it in a short time period. Especially, if only one person is on board.
Life is too short to waste time on trivial matters about which room someone eats in. IMO, the resentment and intolerance runs deeper than that and would require a lot of therapy to have a real impact. You might consult with a professional to see what they might offer, but, if your life is fine, except for mom living with you, then, I'd focus on finding mom another place to live.
So obviously mother couldn't come with you. You sell your house, and mother goes... where?
The key thing is to start driving a metaphorical wedge between your household - your income, expenses, liabilities and assets - and your mother's. At the moment, because your mother is in a safe place, there is no obligation on anyone's part to assist her. But if that safe place were to vanish - poof! - in a puff of smoke, you could not be forced to take her with you and the obligation would land on whichever public body is responsible for housing indigent incapable elders in your neck of the woods.
Mistake one was to allow her to live in your home and become your de facto dependant. Mistake two was to agree to her being discharged from hospital to your home (another time, stay away - they can't do that without your active co-operation).
Family friends and co-workers... oh boy. With family, friends and co-workers like that, who needs...?
But, their airy pronouncements and counsels of perfection aside, there are going to be ways to do it. Those defeatists running the system still have the keys to the minimal placements available. Don't give up bending their ears, because it's their job to help you not whine to you.
Is the 7 year relationship surviving?
That being said....I think you may have some unresolved childhood issues you need to work through or past. I would suggest taking the position that your Mother loves you and did the best she could. The mistakes she made (and is making) is not a reflection of that. Life isn't about "equality and fairness" or some sort of balanced give-n-take. The mindset of either side owing the other anything is ridiculous and needs to be removed. You do for those you love simply because you love them!
Do you not think your Mother (aka Any mother) could list a few occasions where she felt disrespected, ignored, unappreciated, etc etc when you were a child. That she is probably aware that there are things she could have and wishes she did different.
Perhaps.........she is at that point in her life when many of those she loved have passed and is just trying to hang onto (and be part of) what is left.
Perhaps.....she isn't doing this the way you feel it should be done but that doesn't make it wrong.
Perhaps....her desire to be so connected with the details of your life are a reflection of what she sees as a failure to do so when you were her little girl.
Look, I don't have the answers but I do know you will be giving yourself the best gift if you try to see this situation different. There will come a day when she will be gone and not around to upset you anymore but with that goes the opportunity to heal the pain and make better memories with a person who has loved you her entire life.
God Bless,
I know it's extremely difficult because she lives with you and she's there 24/7 but start with the meal thing like another poster said. All meals are served at the kitchen/dining room table. The family dynamic has changed. Mom is no longer the Queen of her castle and she resents it. Start having some CALM heart to heart talks with her. You may be surprised at what comes out.
I did and now my Mom's gone (passed away almost 8 months ago). I can recall the many times over the last 8 years she made me feel angry and guilty but now looking back, I am sad about the way I reacted and have 20/20 hindsight now. I miss her now as well as my Dad. She taught me many good things, especially how I hope to treat my children when I'm in my waning years. I want to be pragmatic and not have any regrets.
Since my Mom's death, I have been rediagnosed with breast cancer, have undergone surgery, but have a hopeful prognosis. I am keeping a positive attitude for myself and my children and hope to set an example for them.
My advice is to seek out some counseling either through talk therapy or caregiver support groups in your local area. I've gleaned a lot of perspective from this site and taken many posters' words to heart. It has helped me tremendously even now that Mom's gone.