I had a severely abusive childhood.by both parents, when I was old enough I left to establish my own life. When I was twenty four and just recently married, my mother decided to leave my father for another man, but the new man in her life didn't want my little sisters so she dropped my three little sisters at my door and took off. My new husband and I raised them along with my two infant sons for 8 years. She destroyed my life, because it was so hard my husband and I divorced. I haven't heard from her in 35 years until her second husband died recently and left her with no money so she calls out of the blue after finding my phone number on the net saying the state will put her in a home if she has no where to go. So now she is living with me and trying to be "the good mother" she never was and trying to run my house, telling me when to eat and etc., she wants me to be her constant companion since the loss of her second husband. I do not feel obligated to her although I have tried for the last four months to please her. I am sixty years old and she is eighty she is exhausting me.She is independent and can get around but she does'nt want to do anything by herself. I have never had any help from her, nor did she ever come to the birth of my children or send them anything. When my sons came to visit they did'nt know who she was, but she wanted to be called grandma. This is sick, when I confronted her on several occasions about the abuse and leaving her children with me she claims she does not remember doing that. Meanwhile, my sisters are doing fine but want nothing to do with her and she says she does not understand why. She lived her life and did what she wanted but she has always destroyed mine and now she is dependent on me and keeps telling me I am a good girl. What????? I put myself through law school raised my two sons and her 3 daughters, never remarried because of too much baggage, have a beautiful home and recently retired thinking now I can travel and live my life but now here she is after 35 years moved in with me on a $600.00 SS check and again ruining my life.
You can't argue with reality. Well, you can -- but reality always wins. Your mother isn't going to listen to reason, isn't going to care for anyone but herself. It won't be easy to move her out. But it will be soul sucking not to. I hope you feel the encouragement of everyone here to get her out of there, and reclaim your life.
Let me remind you that your mom can qualify for subsidized senior housing. She can qualify for Medicaid, if she hasn't already, which will cover her medications and medical. She can qualify for food stamps and other assistance with her utilities.
What she can't qualify for and never has qualified for is the title of Mother. She's just a woman who had four children, you being one of them, and then left you holding the bag to raise three of them.
You need to find the courage to tell her that you've changed your mind and want to continue your life as it was before she moved in. You will help her get moved and that's the best you can do.
If you need help with this, get a good therapist. That you find yourself trying to please her makes me feel that the child in you is still wanting some validation from her. That she can't remember the abuse and dumping her 3 youngest on you tells me you will NEVER get anything from her except more BS and disappointment.
Do the right thing for you. She never will. Love and Hugs, Cattails
So while I totally agree that it is definately easier said than done, we have to start somewhere! It used to make me very angry when someone would tell me to forgive so and so! I'd just want to scream! But what choice do we have if our lives are to be better. It's very likely that no one is going to knock at my door and ask what they can do for me today! I've got to do it myself with whatever tools are available to me. I just can't keep running back to the well after it has run dry!
Love your last sentence: Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves!!
She has a sense of entitlement, but she is NOT entitled to live with you and treat you like a companion.
You sound like an extremely intelligent, capable person. When she called and said she has no money and the state will put her in a home, why on earth didn't you say, "Let me know your address when you get settled so I can send a card once in a while." I know that even intelligent, capable people make mistakes. You sound strong enough to be able to correct this.
The "state" surely isn't going to put her into a nursing home if she has no medical needs. Social Services will probably find her subsidized housing. That sounds perfectly appropriate to me. Get that ball rolling. Surely with your skills you can help her down that avenue. You raised three of her children for eight years and she doesn't remember it?!! I think you have more than done your family duties.
She wouldn't like subsidized senior housing? THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She lived her life the way she chose and the consequences are all hers.
Please look in Discussion section for a thread called
"Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore."
It has grown very long -- maybe 200 posts in about a month -- but I'm sure you will find it very interesting and relevant.
Good luck to you.
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