My 84-year-old Mother has various physical problems. I have believed for many years she has some undiagnosed mental health issues. She lives in one unit of a two-family home we own. We live in the other unit. She has recently become even more needy and seems to do little for herself. She squeezes as much free labor out of me as possible. When I hit my breaking point and lose it, she does just enough to fool me into thinking she's going to help herself at least a little. She is capable of much more. I recently told her I can't do this anymore. My life is falling apart. I can't take care of two households, work full-time, and take care of 90% of her personal needs. I do her shopping, banking, bill paying, housework and everything in between. Her response to me saying I can't do it anymore. She said, "I didn't complain when I had to change your dirty diapers.” I told her I never asked to be born. I am at the edge right now. I am crying non-stop and can't think straight. My Husband is a big help, but she should not be his problem. I think I'm just venting and don't imagine there's anything to do but keep watching my life be squandered. I truly believe I will die before her just from the stress of taking care of her and her awful attitude. Thank you for the forum to let off some steam.
You can’t do this anymore. She is yet another elder who didn’t plan for her old age (other than foisting herself off on her children). It’s not fair, you are not legally obligated to care for her, and nowhere does it say you have to kill yourself in the process of living up to her impossible demands.
First of all, been there done that. Burnout is why I joined this forum, and you are there or close.
You may not like everything I say but please here me out. Your mom is manipulating you, trying to control you and likely a narcissist. You are a good person that just wants to help your mom in her aging years but you also don't want to feel like someones pee-on, slave or whatever you want to call it
Did we ask to be born? Did we sign up for this the day we were born, I contract that gives them the power to treat us this way. NO.
It is my job to love my kids , take care of my kids, it is not there JOB to love me back.
I was grumpy and at times missurable to my dear wonderful husband, and the only reason I was able to do as much as I do for mom was because of him. So please don't let this effect your marriage, it's not worth it.
You are absolutely at risk of some horrible illness , the human body is not ment to deal with daily stress.
The stress actually changes your brain chemistry, it gives you a type of PTSD.
You need to set huge boundaries up, and when those boundaries are not met you need to guilt free back way way off. All the way off if you need to.
Your health and your marriage has to be number ONE.
Best of luck, from one damage caregiver to another.
If these little changes don't work, tell her it is time to consider AL. Also remind her that changing your diaper did not mean your future indentured servitude and that caring for a baby is an entirely different thing than caring for an elderly person.
Above all remember she needs you more than you need her. remind her of that fact. You actually have the power here.
KEYWORD: 2 unit home that YOU OWN.
Yourself, husband and your own family come first! You never made wedding vows to your Mother, did you? Hopefully she is paying rent (probably less than market rate as well). A typical selfish and inconsiderate Senior Brat.
Was Mom ever her own elderly parent's free servant? Did she ever work full time? Tell her your concerns are REAL AND JUSTIFIED. She has become a burden and it's time to change or go. She has 30 days to hire her own help, or find another place to live (such as AL), where she can sit on her lazy behind and pay for being waited on 24/7....with her own money.
WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD, MOM.
Then stop allowing her to treat you that way. It really is that simple.
Just because your mom lives right next door to you, does not mean that you owe her a thing, as you honestly owe her NOTHING!!!
You are the one that is choosing to be at her beck and call, I can only guess because you've not yet learned the art of saying no. It's such a simple word with only 2 letters in it, yet it carries such power for those who choose to use it. Plus it's a complete sentence.
You may want to try it sometime(like today.)
NO mom I can't go shopping for you today. NO mom I can't do your banking today. NO mom I can't do your housework anymore, you'll have to hire someone to come do it for you. See...it's not that hard at all.
So put your big girl pants on and just start saying NO. You'll be amazed just how good it feels to once and for all set the much needed boundaries that should have been set before mom moved in next to you..
You are totally right. You can NOT take care of 2 households! Does she have any money? If so, hire a cleaning lady for her to pay for. Then hire an aide once a week to take her shopping, if she still goes out or to just do it for her. Unload the bigger jobs and get back some time and freedom for yourself. You do not OWE her anything. Any help we give our parents is VOLUNTARY so only do what you are comfortable with. Just ignore her ridiculous "I changed your diapers" comments.
Your mom might not like these new ways but YOU don't like the way things are right now. So basically your mom gets to choose - in home help or assisted living. I would try the in home version first. Set your boundaries and stick with them.
Baby steps. Tell her you are going to stop doing her housework. (the world won't end if her house is messy) Inform her she will have to do it herself or make other arrangements. Then stop. Seriously, stop doing it. See what happens. Likely she'll turn on the tears, lay on the guilt, call you all sorts of horrible names...
But you need to recognize that only you can put an end to this. Set one boundary and stick with it. (baby steps - I was groomed from childhood to believe I was responsible for my mother's moods, obliged to her forever) Then she either cleans for herself, hires help, or lives in filth which can be used as evidence that she needs to be in care. Baby steps because I know it's tough to stand up to our mothers. You may see hints if she is just unreasonable or in the early stages of dementia and fails to recognize her deficits.
You will never do enough to satisfy her. Trust me. I was in your position 5 years ago.
She did take care of me for a year, when I became virtually paralysed, for which I am forever grateful. However, if the spinal surgery hadn't fixed the issue, I would have told my daughter to go and live her own life, then made alternative arrangements for my care.
Your mum's incapability to even sort out her financial affairs suggests that there is more going on here than just physical health problems. It looks like time for her to move into assisted living, or similar.
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness, as AlvaDeer often says. You need to learn to say "NO" to all your mother's demands. No excuses and no guilt. You have no need of either.
If your mother cannot look after herself, she needs to go somewhere where she will be looked after. Not by you.
Parents change diapers because they are parents and that is what they do. Let mama move to an apartment for elderly people (senior housing) and let the government handle her food, medicare and etc. Some of these senior programs have excellent resources especially for people that have no children to cater to their demanding and selfish needs. Some of these places have social workers on staff to help clients navigate their needs through the system. These people are being paid for it. Never in my life have I run across such a bunch of miserable self entitled seniors.
I went through this with my own family and once I was free of the nonsense, I was determined to never place myself in another situation like this again to be used and abused. I had all types of agencies being called on me by my older sister and it kept on until I moved out. It still didn't stop there with them even after I moved. It was just a coldness and anger stemming from them unless they needed something. I was a relative of convenience when they needed something like a place to crash if they were in town to avoid paying hotel fees, or if holidays were approaching, and they wanted a free meal. Eventually, I stopped that as well. It took years of therapy for it to finally sink into my thick skull that I did not have to play this scapegoat role any longer.
Your mother sounds very manipulative. It sounds like she is angry because she is old and has picked you out to scapegoat and dump all of her bad feelings. Stop being the trash dump for all of her bad feelings.
Personally, I couldn't take this type of abuse any longer and will walk. It could be a client, or a family member. A job doesn't pay me enough to take this type of abuse.