My mother is verbally abusive and run us out of the house and I worry for her falling she had 2 strokes. She is mostly sound mind.
Since the Stroke she needs our help with daily needs. For the most part she can cook and bath but not able to get food for the house. She has changes 180 degrees since and very mean and nasty she hates everything we do for her and now has no problem telling us so, I would say she is of sound mind but has moments when she is paranoid and very abusive verbally. She calls my wife stupid and many other things. Mother is very angry and tells us to leave and never come back. I'm an only child and we have nobody else to step in. I fear her alone in the home. She broke her cell phone I bought for emergencies, She threw the home phone on the floor after beating it against the wall. This is totally out of character of her past self. I know she is depressed and a Dr. just prescribed a med for that today. She makes silly statements like she is giving all her money to a distant cousin she's not seen in 40+ years and sometimes just worries me with the way she talks. I'm at a loss here. She is still under care for therapy in home 3x a week and needs transportation to doctors. She recently has a pacemaker put in too. My main concern is her safety, with no phones she can fall and not get help for hours if it's after 6pm till I check in in the am. Some days are better than others but every day it turns ugly. My wife is a angel and very patient and tonight she was forced out of mom's house. I get she is depressed and angry but why at the people who are trying to help? I don't know if she will take her daily medication of fix something to eat since we are not there right now. I drove over tonight she has the front door open, the garage open and all the lights in the house on. She has destroyed all the phones in the house. I'm at wit's end. It would almost be better is she was not of sound mind, then I'd be able to care for her without any legal trouble. My grandmother lost it and I cared for her and she called the police numerous times thinking I was a unknown thief. Mom is not at that point and don't think it will be the same as Grandma, but she needs care. She needs to be taken to doctors, take her meds, make sure she eats, pay's the bills, all of these things me or my wife have been doing till today. She would not qualify for Guardianship I don't believe but still needs help. Besides me forcing her to do something she won't want to do causes a verbal fight, not very much fun for us.
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Your mother has had two strokes, so areas of the brain could be damaged that have caused the change in her personality. She is also a prime candidate for vascular dementia (VaD), given her history of strokes. It is hard to find good information on VaD, but it would be good for you to read about. Some of the symptoms include the loss of the ability to reason things through and make logical decisions. Thinking something is broken or getting angry at an object can be a response to not being able to figure out how to work it. This would be typical for many people with VaD.
I hope that things work out and that you're able to get a good diagnosis for your mother. You are right to be concerned about the food and medicines. Making a plan and sticking to it could be a challenge IF she were to have VaD. You may not be able to do anything right away, given that she is combative. There may come a crisis point where you can step in. Good luck and let us know what is going on.
APS calls and guardianship may be in your future as well - being armed with good information, courage, and deep concern you have for your mom and her well-being will serve you all well, but yes, it is one hard road to travel. DO get a hold of the documents and make copies to keep and to give others who will have to ask you for them - you are going to need them. I kept PDFs of mine in Dropbox account so they were handy to print or even e-mail at any time. The other thing you will need, whether the POAs are sufficient versus needing guardianship, are letters of incapacity usually from two of her doctors. Your giving information in advance to them, maybe even with pictures of how her home is, could be invaluable.
Thanks for the reply I'll accept any ideas at this point.
BTW, she went through a long period of confabulation -- making up things that weren't true. They might have a bit of fact to them, but she would add the rest. I learned to not believe much she said during those times. To her, though, the things were true.
Your mother may never be like your Gram. No two people go through dementia exactly the same way, plus there are about 50 kinds of dementia! But that doesn't mean that Mother doesn't need care. You must be so worried about her!
Your mother may have dementia or other cognitive problems and still not be incompetent, that is true. And she'd have to be legally incompetent for a guardian to be appointed for her.
But, my gosh, leaving all the doors open and lights on? Whew, I'd be worried. And will she take her meds?
I wonder if you might want to call APS and explain the situation. You don't think she can safely be alone, but she has kicked you out. You are just interested in her safety.
This might be marginally easier if you had a diagnosis for her current behavior. Has this been discussed with a doctor?
She tell us to get out and never come back again and adds I'll call the police if I see you back here. I left and as I was driving up the street I thought, maybe I'd better call the police myself and document this situation. She had said something to my wife before we left about did you see him hit me. I never hit my mom, never have, never will, didn't think much of it outside crazy talk. Then I thought how would it be if I had to defend myself from her calling the police and telling them I did hit her. I thought it best I be the one to call and report our family issue. The police ask me what it is I want them to do. I told them I just want permission to drop by for a quick check in 3-4 times a day and that would be fine. After talking to her they came back out and said I can stop by, not go in and will my wife drive her to doctor appointments and such, all of which we agree to. I need to get with her doctor and explain everything. When she was thinking ok, during 1 of her few hospital stays I was made Health Care Power of Attorney. I'm not sure where those docs are but the hospital is sure to have a copy where we first signed them. At least this way I can make sure she does the right thing for herself medically anyway. I'm going to have to just be smarter than her and figure a way to get her calm down around us. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and still can't believe the stuff that comes from her mouth, she used to be so sweet and kind. Thanks again for the replies and take care.
The next morning she would come to my room and apologize, then ask me to stay. I think about the times I could have left. I had a "get out of jail free" card and blew it. And here I sit typing on my computer to AC still. :)
It got better when she got through this phase. The bad part about that phase of her illness is that her judgment was terrible. There was one plumbing event that ended up with them being conned for about $10K -- really, their insurance was. I knew what was going on, but she was so busy fighting me that she wouldn't stop. After it was all over she realized she had really messed up, but it was too late.
I wish it were easier. If your mother is like mine, she will go through phases that are worse than others. We just either have to ride with them or get professional help for them. They can be dangerous to themselves when judgment is poor. I'm glad you called the police. I hope they'll drive by occasionally to help you keep an eye out for her.
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