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My mother will not eat well and will not meet new people. She spends her day driving to the other side of town to look at her old condo. She says her knees her her but they are new knees.
Jennifer, where is your mother residing now? And why did she move from her condo?
My Dad was no social butterfly, he would go to main living room if someone was there to entertain on the piano. Otherwise he was happy as a clam sitting in his living room watch the local 24-hour news and reading his newspaper. Dad did have a paid caregiver in the morning, so he did have someone he liked to talk to and had a lot in common. She would get him up and walking to some of the social events.
Depending on your Mom's age, let her do what she wants. But I would watch her driving, if her knees hurt, they could become too painful for her to brake the car.
I would try and get your mom's new knees checked out. She might need more physical therapy or different meds? Something doesn't sound right. She might be depressed if she is driving to her old condo. It sounds like she misses her old life and her old home very much. Try talking to her and see if you can get to the root of her fears. My dad had a handful of good friends, but otherwise didn't socialize very much. Everyone is so different so try to respect what she wants.
My mom was never very social, even though she claimed that before her marriage to my father, she was a "social butterfly". She blamed her reclusiveness on him, but after his death she remained anti-social and looked down upon people in her apartment who were social. Your mom, like mine, seems attached to the past, which was probably a happier time for her. My mom never physically returned to her past dwellings but did talk about them constantly. Mom did wind up with dementia and thinking back on it, there were signs of this for years previous to her actual diagnoses. Go with your mom to her doctor, and the three of you speak with him/her frankly. If mom trusts her doctor, she may feel more comfortable speaking out about how she feels than automatically resisting when you try to convince her to socialize.
I was always a people person, very extroverted, worked full time, heavy involvement in animal welfare (by now nearly 50 years), always first one to help anyone in need, lots of volunteerism, social activities, etc. Then I became disabled - my spine went and I could no longer walk. Had to give up everything (which killed me, especially losing my animals for whom I found homes - I did get to keep one in the assisted living facility where I now have to live). I was in for a major shock - most people were very elderly and feeble and many had dementia. I was terribly disappointed as it became impossible to make friends - other than just simple chats without substance - and all their activities were geared to people of grammar school age - nothing for high functioning adults. I am 83, still hold two jobs and am taking college courses and will soon be joining an athletic club to go swimming - that is one thing I can do and love. I became so disillusioned with the status quo and made up my mind to find things to do that I loved to do (jobs, going out to eat - I still drive, swimming, school, etc. ) It helped me cope with the loss of what I once was. It is possible that where your mother is has no activities that are of interest to her and the people are not mentally stimulating. My advice is to all caregivers - do what you can to encourage socialization and activities but do not force it. Sometimes the patient is much happier being alone and doing the few things they like to do. And it will be less stress on you. And, remember, these are the few remaining years - let the patient decide what he/she wants to do. Good luck. My heart broke forever when this happened to me but it is what it is - and I know I have to FIND MY OWN PLEASURE and then do it.
Jennifer, where is your mom living now? How long has she been there? What do you mean that she doesn't eat well? Skips meals? Eats only junk food? Just what is her nutrition situation?
If she is having pain in the area surrounding her new knees I think that is what I would start with. Sometimes if you can treat the pain other things get better, too.
I agree that trying to look at the big picture with her might help figure out what is causing her trouble. If she's having pain, then, I might use this as a way to explore her overall health with her doctor. I'd take notes on what you are observing with her symptoms and provide to her doctor. Sometimes, depression can cause someone to lose their appetite, sleep too much or sleep little, lose interest in hobbies and social events, think of the past too much, cry, etc. Depression can also cause physical pain. Or it could be something else. I'd try to rule out things, so if what she has can be treated, then you know.
If it's cognitive decline, then keep in mind that when that happens, the person may feel confused, scared and embarrassed, because they may realize something is off and that they aren't themselves. That can make it scary to go out and socialize. My cousin stopped doing any socializing and I didn't know why. She said she had a headache, but, I didn't believe her. Later, it was because she couldn't follow the conversation, forgot names, and forgot the directions to the places. She covered well, but, eventually the dementia was evident.
Jennifer, everyone is different. I have a friend that jumps at the chance to go to the Senior center for lunch or the resturant. Personally, I am happy to be home with my two yorkies. I walk them for about an hour when it is not raining. Since my car accident, I have been it has been hard to walk them. But, that will pass. I explained to my therapist that I am quite happy with myself. I have been a volunteer and Realtor my whole life. I need quiet and no rigid schedule any longer. I take at least two hours to even get up and going in the morning. I listen to music or read my Bible. I know I am different, but I am happy. I feel bad for your mom that she misses her condo, She misses her old life. I refuse to give up my home in Oregon. Why would I want to move to the big city? Give me one good reason. I hope your mom overcomes this loneliness. As for her knees, YES, get them checked out. Hopefully, she is not imagining the pain.
jennifer4402, if you are still on-line, its been 10 days since you wrote, please come back in to answer some of our questions. Knowing where your Mom currently lives will give us more information to work with :)
I imagine she feels safe and connected in her old neighbourhood, and the drive there and back has become a little ritual that helps to fill her empty days. As others have pointed out, you can't force an introvert to become a social butterfly, but you can help her to find places and activities in her new neighbourhood she may enjoy. If she has trouble connecting with new people and trying new things it may be that you will have to be the point person who looks for something appropriate and holds her hand while you explore it together.
my mom (deceased now) could never be arsed to socialize or go anywhere and that included the nh. I got annoyed when the help would try and get her to do something and tell her that I had wanted her to do it. Frankly my dear, I did not give a d*mn. I did not act like her sole source of amusement, I visited almost daily, she just preferred to sit on her butt and try to watch television. The one time I suggested we could try to walk a little bit she got nasty. Personally, I'd just let her do what she d*mn well pleases. Just don't listen to any whining about she has nothing to do. (my mom said it was boring there but, like my own advice, in one ear and out the other). I would just answer that there were various activities if she was so inclined. I knew she wouldn't ever go, so I never let it bother me. Only person she was screwing over was herself.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My Dad was no social butterfly, he would go to main living room if someone was there to entertain on the piano. Otherwise he was happy as a clam sitting in his living room watch the local 24-hour news and reading his newspaper. Dad did have a paid caregiver in the morning, so he did have someone he liked to talk to and had a lot in common. She would get him up and walking to some of the social events.
Depending on your Mom's age, let her do what she wants. But I would watch her driving, if her knees hurt, they could become too painful for her to brake the car.
I would try and get your mom's new knees checked out. She might need more physical therapy or different meds? Something doesn't sound right. She might be depressed if she is driving to her old condo. It sounds like she misses her old life and her old home very much. Try talking to her and see if you can get to the root of her fears. My dad had a handful of good friends, but otherwise didn't socialize very much. Everyone is so different so try to respect what she wants.
If she is having pain in the area surrounding her new knees I think that is what I would start with. Sometimes if you can treat the pain other things get better, too.
If it's cognitive decline, then keep in mind that when that happens, the person may feel confused, scared and embarrassed, because they may realize something is off and that they aren't themselves. That can make it scary to go out and socialize. My cousin stopped doing any socializing and I didn't know why. She said she had a headache, but, I didn't believe her. Later, it was because she couldn't follow the conversation, forgot names, and forgot the directions to the places. She covered well, but, eventually the dementia was evident.
As others have pointed out, you can't force an introvert to become a social butterfly, but you can help her to find places and activities in her new neighbourhood she may enjoy. If she has trouble connecting with new people and trying new things it may be that you will have to be the point person who looks for something appropriate and holds her hand while you explore it together.
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