Mother is living in AL and has been telling wild stories about staff trying to sleep in her bed, taking showers in her bathroom and taking her apartment away. She is convinced this stuff is going on and is refusing care from at least one staff person. She is accusing us of setting her up and can't understand why we would do this. It's so difficult to have a conversation with her and she begs us to tell her we love her and to come and see her.
We try and reassure her but nothing is working. She is refusing going to the dining room and c/o not stop about pain which has no basis. We are at wits end and need some help. I am feeling really burnt out; love her but don't like her at all. Every visit leaves us feeling exhausted and phone conversation are even worse.
Help, we are desperate.
If these behaviors came on suddenly or suddenly got much worse, a test for a UTI may be in order. Oddly this kind of infection can cause strange behavior in elders.
If the UTI tests are clear, then I would discuss these symptoms with the doctor who is following her dementia. Is that a specialist? Delusions are common in some kinds of dementia. They are difficult to treat, but you won't know if there is something that might help until you try. If she hasn't had a full evaluation and treatment plan, consider an appointment at Mayo Clinic -- Alzheimer's Disease Research Center (which also researches and treats other kinds of dementia).
Continue to offer reassurance, without arguing or telling her she is wrong. Not easy, I know! Instead of saying "Of course no one is getting into your bed at night!" you might try, "Oh, Mom, you must feel just terrible thinking someone is trying to get into your bed. Of course you need your privacy. I love you so much and I feel bad that this is happening. I don't think that anyone wants to use your bed, but I will ask the Director of Nursing to investigate and see what might be going on that makes you feel that way."
Another approach is to talk about dreaming. "I am sure that it seemed very real to you that someone was in your shower. Sometimes when we have very vivid dreams they don't quite end when we wake up. It would be awful if there were someone using your shower, but it was just part of your dream."
Sympathize with her feelings but don't confirm her delusions as reality.
When you say she complains of pain that has no basis, does that mean she has been thoroughly checked out medically? Again, a UTI can be experienced as pain in odd places.
Distraction is another time-honored technique. She complains about pain in her side. "Let's get an ice pack from the nurse, and then I'll wheel you in the garden. It is a beautiful day and I see that the peonies are blooming."
Poor Mom! Poor you! Remind yourself "This is Not Mom's Fault. This is the dementia. I hate the dementia!"
It seems doubtful, but you never know.
Probably she's imagining these incidents, and they seem very real to her. When I was in high school, my father still kept in touch with one of his former elementary school teachers, who was almost 90 at the time. She lived in a retirement community and was very active and intelligent. She was in remarkable shape for her age, and when she started telling my father about people getting into her house at night, my father was very concerned, to the point that he volunteered to drive to where she lived and sit up in her living room all night, to try and catch whoever was doing it. (The lady refused to get the police involved, wisely so, as it turned out.)
After camping out in her living room for several nights,waiting for the mystery people to appear, my father told the lady that it seemed like the problem was solved; whoever had been getting in had stopped.
"Oh no, they still do it," replied the lady. "They come in every night and stand by my bed and look at me."
That's when it became clear she was imagining it, although nothing would convince her.
Don't argue with her or try to convince her that this isn't happening. She can't be swayed from thinking these things are happening. Redirect her attention when she starts talking about these delusions. Talk about something else. Anything.
Always make sure your mom knows that you will keep her safe. You don't have to buy into the delusions to do this. At the end of each phone call or visit tell her that you will always take care of things and that she doesn't need to worry. The #1 goal is to keep your mom as calm as possible.
My dad had delusions and I would listen to him and tell him that I would take care of it which made him feel better. By the next visit he had forgotten we had ever spoken about it.
These are all just band-aids for the dementia. The phone calls and visits will probably continue to be exhausting which is just one reason why this website exists. And with dementia, as I'm sure you've discovered, what works one day may not work the next day. Dementia changes and progresses, so should our ways of dealing with it.
I think it would be easier to say that my mother's life is now based more on non-reality than reality. For many years she was rewriting stories of things that happened. They were based on truth, but she would fill in the details the way that she wanted. For example, when my father died, we were at his bedside. My mother was zoned out -- a mix of dementia and Ativan. When she talked later of the death, she talked of how she ran up and down the hall looking for a doctor. She talked of how she returned to be with him and how he had squeezed her hand before he died, letting her know he was gone. None of this happened, but I didn't correct her, since her story did no harm. Other mental creations, however, can do harm if not dealt with.
lindek, your mother's delusions make her feel unsafe. They are not unusual and may disappear with time. I wonder if there is a way to reassure her that even if there are people, they do not mean her any harm. It is so hard to know what to do. I think I would talk about it to her doctor and the facility to see if they know something that may help.
Yes, she could be delusional and sexual delusions are not out of the norm but I'd check her stories just to be on the safe side.