Almost three years ago, my father passed away; three months later, my partner of 18 years passed away as well. My partner and I used to go over and see my parents every weekend for well over a decade, despite the fact that we lived 80 miles away; I have continued to see my mom every weekend ever since, but it wasn't long before depression kept her from leaving the house, so I began to take responsibility for getting her groceries, doing her laundry, checking her mail and mailing out her bill payments. I have spent over $10,000 to date. I've asked her to put me on her checking account so I can pay for her groceries directly from her account, as well as pay her bills (which has become increasingly difficult for her), but she has repeatedly refused my requests. I suffer from severe depression, and though I am on medications for it, I routinely claw at or beat myself in the face (often until I get a black eye or swell an eye shut), have sobbing jags which can last hours, and I frequently consider suicide. I am unemployed, and I may have to sell my house soon so I have enough money to keep taking care of my mom. I have three other siblings who've been conferring with me on mom's care--they consider themselves the "reliable ones" (I have 4 brothers and 4 sisters, most are out of state), but only one of them has truly helped out, and unfortunately she's been dealt a terrible blow which will greatly limit her ability to help. My brother, who lives in LA (I live in Arkansas) has adopted the "fake wallet pull" method of assistance ("Don't worry, I'm gonna get this! Hey--put that money away! I mean, I totally don't mind getting this! You don't have to--awww! Thanks! I totally would have gotten that!"), but he's really bossy and condescending considering all he's done is talk a lot on the phone about what he's prepared to do. My other sister uses the "I'm just soooooo busy! Work is SUCH a b*&ch!" excuse for never helping out. When they're comparing notes via the "text-tree" we're on, they tend to ignore my actual observations of mom's condition and reports on her mindset and suggest they can get her to do things I've failed to get her to do time and time again (grant POA, add us to her checking account, etc...). They have accused me of being confused and mis-seeing things (including when mom got a shut-off notice from the electric company--I had to photograph it at a later date to prove it really existed, yet they keep talking about it as if it were a manufactured crisis). They believe they are the only ones capable of getting anything done, but they mostly just talk about what "we" need to do. Well, tonight I snapped at my brother after I told him about asking mom to put me on the checking account so I can stop spending my own money on her groceries, and his response to the group was that "we don't need to ask to be put on her accounts". I told him I was the one who'd been doing all the work, and to quit using the word "we". I suggested that if they thought they knew what was best, maybe they could step up and do what I'd been doing. He shared my message with my sisters and began to dress me down in a series of increasingly lengthy, hostile texts, until he eventually told me he was going to strip my contact info from his phone and unfriend and block me on social media. A long time ago, my father came to our house out in the country and spent the day with me--we had lunch, he went fishing at our pond, and we talked for hours. As he went to leave, he began to work himself up, and rounded on me with anger and hostility and said "I don't care WHAT you've got planned for the rest of your life--that's all OVER! YOU--YOU'RE gonna have to be the one to take care of momma! The others CAN'T--they're too busy! It's gonna have to be YOU! GOT IT?" Then he stormed off and drove away. I told my brother this years ago, and he told me what our dad said to me was BS, that no one got to tell me what to do with my life. Well, tonight he told me I couldn't tell them I was taking a break and letting them help for a change--he said I was using her care as a weapon to get back at him. He was telling me it always has to be my responsibility. They're all married and working professionals. They're smart and they and their spouses make good money. I'm nearly at the end of the money my partner left me when he passed away--he was in deep debt and his estate had to be split between me, his daughter, and his nephew. It wasn't a fortune. Mom's broke (aside from her monthly SS check) and in debt to several home shopping channels, and her house is in a crime ridden neighborhood and in bad disrepair. I'm scared and now I'm totally alone. They get to feel like I don't deserve their help now, justified in their continued refusal to acknowledge that I'm in way over my head. Tonight I've seriously contemplated suicide, but I know I have to be there for mom since no one else will be. What do I do?
. I have spent over $10,000 to date. I've asked her to put me on her checking account so I can pay for her groceries directly from her account, as well as pay her bills (which has become increasingly difficult for her), but she has repeatedly refused my requests.
REPEAT: SHE has repeatedly refused my requests.
That defines the relationship-She refuses to cooperate so you can help.
That means she has refused your help.
The more important relationship is between you and your mental health.
Stop immediately going over there, tell Mom to call on others for help.
Present yourself to your mental health doctor or the E.R. right away.
Please stop hurting yourself.
You Don't Have To Do That To Yourself!
I am going to go now. Will check back with you after you return from the E.R.
I have been reminded that this website is for informational purposes only.
Even though there are mandated reporters and people who care about you very much, no one here will have the ability to intervene to prevent or call 911 in case you decide to act on your irrational thoughts about suicide.
That said, please seek help. Then, when it becomes true that you "will not act upon suicidal thoughts or feelings" and "will no linger hurt yourself as you have described", tell everyone here.
In the meantime, keep talking to the caregivers who can help you through this difficult time. I wish you the best, take care of yourself, and hugs, so many hugs, from a friend-a cyber-friend, in cyber-space, but the caring is real!
She needs to call the AAA and APS and report that her mom isvin need of care that she can no longer provide.
Your siblings are most likely never going to help. They don't want to and they don't have to. They may give you some lip service, but it doesn't mean anything. In their eyes, they are glad you're dealing with it so they don't have to be bothered. I would just cut them out of the plan altogether unless they start to show more interest.
I see that your mother has old-age decline. Is her mobility okay? If it is, she can go shopping with you and write the checks or make the charges herself. If she doesn't want to do that, she can let you use her charge card. It isn't your job to support her. You are not her husband or her SS check.
Next, don't think about hurting yourself. I have a feeling it is the people around you who are making you feel so small and angry. Are you living with your mother? If you are, I know you probably can't afford to move right now. I would get to a psychiatrist soon, though, to see what can be done about the depression. It is so treatable and you deserve to feel better.
The best solution I can see right now for you is to get back on your feet emotionally, then find a job or apply for disability to help you break free of this. You need to work on you right now. I don't know enough about you to know the things you enjoy and what may help, but you could work through these things with your therapist. I just have a strong feeling that you've been beaten down in your role in this family. They don't have any power over you and how you feel anymore. Your siblings' relationship to their mother is between them and her. You are only responsible for yourself and what you do for her.
If my brothers were to unfriend me on FB or block my calls, my only response would be meh. Who cares? It would be nice to have their support, but it's not there. You have to work at things on your end and forget about things that only hurt. I do have a feeling that you have a lot of family baggage to work through and hope you can get into a new light on the other side of it.
Do you plan to move in with your mother if you have to sell your house?
I see nothing wrong with telling your mother it is now your siblings' responsibility to take care of you, and that you have been taken advantage of.
If this situation is driving you to contemplate suicide and self-abuse, then you must get out. YOU are more important than your mother.
Perhaps, if your siblings get together, they can effect this change, i.e., get mom qualified for Medicaid and get her moved to a facility. Just remember, this is not a mess of your making!
(((((big hugs from St. Louis))))
Do not spend your own money on your mother's bills. If your mother needs things or has bills to pay, assist her to order them and assist her to pay for them using her own debit card or her own checking account to obtain her own money. Do not pay out another single red cent.
Collect as much data and paperwork as possible on what you have spent so far. If you have, for example, utilities bills for your mother and a receipt, those are good enough proof for you to be able to recoup your expenses. In other words, your mother can pay you back. Where you don't have receipts or other payment records (bank or credit card statements showing the payee, for example), still create a list of expenditure with dates so that the family has a clear understanding of what has been going on. They probably have no realistic idea of what your mother's day to day living expenses are.
You need a professional to make a formal assessment of your mother's care needs and help the family to create a care plan for her. What support does she need now, what is she likely to need in the future, where is it best for her to be living now and in the longer term, what resources will be available to her.
As you've discovered, airy-fairy piecemeal attention is not good enough. Your mother needs a well-considered, properly planned care framework. You understand this already, I know. Your siblings won't listen, which is why they don't realise. You need professional allies - your mother's doctor should be able to advise you on social services you can call on for advice and support.
Look. Your mother will be fine. What your father said to you about caring for her obviously went deep; and his assessment of his children's worth seems in fact to have been quite shrewd. But what he didn't explain, because he won't have known or understood it, is that while you are indeed the one who is tuned in to your mother's care and has the right attitude to it, that does NOT mean that you alone can or should provide the manpower, the money, the hands-on day-in-day-out presence. There are other people who will help you with that. Your siblings can be more or less use, as they please and as far as they are prepared to learn, but that actually doesn't matter. Even if they'd physically left the planet, there are still other people, other resources you can turn to. Your mother doesn't need all of you and only you to be kept safe and well cared-for.
And meanwhile... you have gone through three years of increasing grief over your father - because your own mourning takes a back seat when your mother is widowed, as I know, but if you don't get a chance to tackle it it grows - and then suffered the trauma and loss of your partner on top. No wonder you are savagely depressed. And your family may be, they may be, ignoring it because you are ignoring it. You can't. Can you think of any people or services you can reach out to, ideally today?
Get yourself back to your mental health practioner and get your meds adjusted.
You need a break from caregiving in an impossible situation. If the family member you're caring for won't grant you PoA, you don't do the caregiving. That way lies madness and destitution. Let your "smart" siblings handle this. They are in for a shock.