We agreed to move in with her because our home is small and she was not eating and is scared to stay alone and afraid of the dark. She was getting very depressed. Sometimes I feel she puts on an act to keep my husband there. I have since moved out and back to my home because she is so critical of me and everything I do. I stayed for a year and couldn't take it anymore. But my husband promised his dad he would take care of her and not put her in assisted living. We are the only ones that can take care of her. So we thought we could do this as a temporary situation for the better of the good. However, I feel like I ran out on my husband and left him with a huge burden. She will not allow me to move in personal items that would help me make that more my home, she is very critical of the way I cook and clean. She can't walk through the room without making some harsh comment towards me. She is very happy with the new living arrangements. Any suggestions? I would love to help my husband and live with him.
Your husband took the vows of marriage which among other things also means to put you before all others which includes his mother. For the sake of his mother and your marriage, she needs to go to an assisted living and the two of you live together again like a married couple should.
Sorry to write so bluntly, but this is a common theme on this site where an adult child has made a promise to a parent and the keeping of that promise is wrecking their marriage. Sounds like you and your husband need to have a very serious heart to heart discussion about your marriage, your future, and your MIL.
Oh God please don't tell me she has got dementia..!
Hmm. How were things with your marriage before you both agreed to this foolhardy move, by the way? Also missing: how long have you been married, and how old is your MIL?
I don't know a lot about lupus but my SIL has it and works a job and is a single mother. I know she often feels terrible, but she can take of herself. Perhaps your MIL is further along and there are other disabilities that come along as she ages, but from just what you wrote, it seems she is manipulating you both.
You can try to build a temporary life focusing on yourself while hubby takes care of mother. Or you can live there and find passive ways of dealing with her criticism. Or become more assertive. Counseling for yourself might help. After 31 years with this woman as your MIL, confronting her might be difficult.
You might try living in her home with earplus and/or microphones and not engaging with her. Stay in your part of the house if you want to be near hubby, but avoid joining her.
I'm just throwing out ideas. But one thing I've learned on here is taking care of ourselves is very important.
WHY do people do this? What is it about leave-taking that makes people detach completely from truth-telling and reality? Perhaps when I get there I'll understand, but for now… it beats me.
Be that as it may, it was a promise your husband made to your father. Your husband now has to examine it and decide whether he feels obliged to keep it. The factors he needs to take into account are his mother's welfare, and whether he will be able to ensure it living alone with her (he won't); his marriage, and whether he is prepared to sacrifice it to the unfeasible goal of ensuring his mother's happiness (if he is, he will be breaking his promise to you, of course - he's all right with that one, is he?); and the consequences of breaking his promise to his father, which is a matter of internal soul-searching - would he be able to accept the necessity, what would be the likely impact on him of breaking it?
Essentially, he has made two mutually exclusive vows. He has to sort out which has more wriggle room.
Can you help him with this? Can you help him, specifically, by moving back to share his mother's house with him? Well, you could try setting out conditions and gaining agreement to them from both your husband and your MIL. But given your MIL's likely progression, there is a limit to what change in her behaviour you can expect. And given that you've already been driven to walk out once, how much, realistically, can you be expected to take?
I sound harsh on your husband, I know. I feel harsh, and I'm venting. He made this absurd promise without pause for thought and you are suffering the consequences. In due course, so will his mother suffer because her needs will be too onerous for him, or for him and you together, to manage. He has been a noble idiot; other people are paying the price; and you're the one who's feeling the guilt for this?
I'm sorry, but this is all on him. Get him to look you in the eye and come up with a real-life plan.
Realistically, though, even if she would have moved-in with you, I think she'd be a problem. She probably was truly lonely and depressed but that doesn't mean she'll appreciate your efforts. Helping someone does not necessarily bring appreciation.
And what everyone else said, too.