My 63 year old mother is always going to the hospital. Should I just put her in a nursing home?

Good Morning & Merry Christmas,

You must be concerned if you are on the forum at this hour. First things first--the drinking has to stop. Some 12-step program needs to be implemented immediately, especially with the 1st of the year around the corner, it's a good time for change.

I agree with others 63 is young nowadays, life is a gift. We all have a purpose in life, when our feet hit the ground in the morning.

With the way the medical care system is, you can't just walk up and say we need a bed for Mom. The NH decides--not you. As I am sure you are well aware mother needs to be sober to see what her "baseline" is after she stops drinking.

More than likely the primary care doctor will do an assessment and provide home care services. But, a day respite program will not allow the behavior that you explained. It would be unacceptable. You haven't mentioned about her nutrition. Is mother eating properly. Is anyone cooking preparing a well-balanced meal? What about dispensing of medication.

I would call on the troops--get a Social Worker to pay a home visit, an occupational therapist, physical therapist and speech therapist, if need be. A home health aide, meals on wheels, or weekly grocery delivery. You can get a camera to see what's going on.

The alcohol is causing your mother's belligerent behavior. Would you want to be the roommate in a NH with your mother? No you wouldn't. I don't think, at least right now, any facility would take this on.

If you sense that your sibling is stealing from your mother, go online and check your mother's account everyday. It only takes 5 minutes in the morning so you can catch anything that looks suspicious.

These things happen when there is no supervision but you do NOT have to be anyone's punching bag. You don't want to go down with the ship.

You don't want to live in a state of chaos from one emergency to the next every time the phone rings. What is it now? Usually this type of situation, one doesn't ask and how are you doing? It's always you are on the giving end and them receiving.

You can't compete on your own with an alcoholic. Perhaps, a rehab for 30-60 days is the answer. Then, start from ground zero. What do mother's living conditions look like? Is the place clean, is there food in the frig, are the sheets cleaned weekly, laundry caught up?

An emergency at 2AM may solve this. An ER visit and assessment. I would fill in your mother's Primary Care Doc with the "true" story. What is really going on. A lot of times the Nurse Case Manager's at the doctor's office are extremely knowledgeable about services and will give you more time than the physicians.

You have to break off once branch at a time but there is more than one issue here. You have to realize this could be a downward spiral at mother's own choosing.

I will pray for you. You sound like a good daughter and I hope I gave you some hope and I didn't want to sugarcoat anything because you can't mix an alcoholic in a NH with a feeble defenseless roommate.

Give them so much time and that's it. You have stay standing. I know it must break your heart because it's a wasted life. We are created and designed for much more and to enjoy our life abundantly.

Merry Christmas to All on this Forum and thank you for all of your advice and sharing and the things I learned from you this past year.

Thank you everyone for your words of advice, & encouragement. I really appreciate a lot. I’m going to go back home to NY and resume my own life. Although I do feel a little guilty it’s for the best. I’ve also noticed how my mother moans/grunts and complains how much “pain” she is while around me, always calling out for help…yet when company comes over, or when she is talking on the phone all of a sudden she talks normal and her moaning/grunting stops. For my peace & sanity I’m going to distance myself.

If anyone I was trying to help told me to shut the f up, that would have been my cue to get the heck out of dodge. People who have drinking problems and are non-compliant with the medical care they are receiving have made their decisions no matter how messed up this decision appears to others. You can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. Your mother is satisfied with her life the way it is. Get a job back in New York and move back home. Don't sacrifice your life for someone who doesn't appreciate you or who in this case is not trying to improve their condition. Even though your mother is in her early sixties, she probably has the body of someone who is much older. If she has dementia, it is probably alcohol related such as Wernicke Korsakoff Syndrome along with all of her other health problems. These types will always be okay with government funded help and facilities. So, don't feel guilty about leaving.

Focus on your life and livelihood. So many people have ended up homeless with no income messing around with these people.

Get in touch with Al-Anon. There are phone and electronic meetings all over the world. The drinking on your mother's part has taken over her life.

The first time my mother told me to shut the eff up would've been the LAST time she saw me. Don't tolerate such blatant disrespect from a woman who's chosen to commit suicide slowly.

Go home and leave mother to her boyfriend, her mooching son and her own poor choices. If she winds up in Skilled Nursing care, it won't be for you "throwing" her in there, as NONE of us children do, in reality. It will be for a crisis situation where the hospital or rehab refuse to release her to live independently again.

When a parent is placed in Skilled Nursing care, it's because they can no longer function on their own and/or have dementia bad enough that it's too dangerous for them to live alone.

You can't "throw" your mom anywhere; you cannot, in fact, even genly nudge her.
Your mom is of sound and competent mind.
You also cannot change your mom. She is exceptionally young to be in such severe heart failure, and your knowledge of the disorder is lacking.
You have now left a job and where you lived to care for someone who doesn't need and won't thrive with your care.
If you are living with her you could end up homeless and jobless yourself, so it's time to get all the knowledge about this you are able.

FIRST I would caution you NOT to take on being POA for your mother.
She isn't cooperative, and trying to "get her" to do ANYTHING will be impossible.
She is what we in medicine call "non-compliant", meaning she will not cooperate in/for her own best interests.

SECOND Your mother is allowing your brother to steal her money. Soon enough she will have none, and will be dependent on the state and federal government for minimal care.
This spells disaster for her, and once again, there is absolutely NOTHING you an do about this.

THIRD You have a very poor understanding of CHF. You need to look it up online-- what it is, what causes it and what can be done about it. The amount of fluid and what fluid mom takes in is relatively unimportant. The fact is that her body cannot handle fluid as a body must. CHF means Congestive Heart Failure. Those last two words are key. The heart has failed and is no longer a good pump. It can't basically pump fluid through the system for elimination through the kidneys. There is nothing to be done about that other than medications to help eliminate fluid buildup, and medications to replace the electrolytes washed out with said diuretics.
If fluid builds in legs and abdomen it is right heart failure.
If in the lungs, causing shortness of breath and inability to lay flat and breathe well, then it is left heart failure which may quickly become deadly without treatment.
Some patients critically have both left and right heart failure.

Non compliant patients do not thrive with a disease this serious. They do not long survive.

FOURTH It sounds as though your mother has a drinking problem. This is again something you can do nothing about other than to attend Al-Anon sessions.
This is unlikely to change.

FINALLY You need to get on with your life.
There is nothing you can do here but supply your mother with phone numbers for emergency help. She is young still (my daugher's age, in fact).
She will make her own decisions. Don't throw yourself on the funeral pyre of someone who has made these choices in her life. You will never hear what you long to hear which is that you are a wonderful daughter who she just loves so much and who is such a wonderful help to her. And she is unlikely to change her ways.

Get out of the home, get your own place and your own job, help a little with shopping or whatever, and otherwise steer clear of this completely. Do not interfere. Do not offer advice.
I am so dreadfully sorry, but Dr Laura is correct: Not everything can be fixed. You didn't cause this and you cannot change it.

Your profile says Mom has a Dementia? Has she been formally diagnosed? If so, she is not capable to make decisions for herself. Having CHF will effect Moms mind. She may not be getting enough oxygen to her brain. She does not take care of herself and your being abused.

While she is in the hospital speak with the Social Worker and tell her what you have said here. Ask if Mom can be evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found she needs it and no one has POA, ask that the State take over her care. If they find she can take care of herself, then go back to school. Ask that she be helped with resources. Maybe someone to come in a few hours a day.

With a mother with this mind set, it will not be easy to care for her. Especially since she is not willing to care for herself. You trying to care for her will be futile and looks like all you will get from your effort is abuse. Go back to school. If Mom is sent home you can call APS every so often for a well check.

I don't think anyone would feel like you were a bad person for letting an unrepentant alcoholic continue to rule your life.

Go back to NY. She's only 63 and can obviously make her own (poor) decisions.

Go home to New York and resume your own life. You are caught up in an alcoholic’s drama, but you don’t have to be. It’s up to her to turn this around.

Next time she checks out of the hospital, you won’t be there. If no one will take responsibility for her, she’ll need to be placed by the hospital. That may be the only way for mom to get the help she needs.

Leaving her would probably be the biggest favor you could do for mom. But be advised that she isn’t likely to get better no matter what anyone does for her. She’s an addict who has chosen her path.

You need to go home and leave your mother to the life she has chosen. Nothing you can do here.

You can’t throw her in a home. You have no power over her. Idk why you and your aunt think that is a choice.

Go home to New York and allow your mother to make her decision about how to live her life.

Agreeing with cwillie. If she has her mental faculties, she's entitled to live her life her way. If you can talk her into a nursing home for her own sake, great. If you can't, return to your life if NY.

If she has her mental faculties, good for you for trying. Best wishes to your both.

As cwillie pointed out, you have no power to make her do anything. So, just let her have the life she insists on having while you go off and rebuild your own.

You can't want someone's rescue more than they want it themselves. You aren't responsible for her happiness. You can't keep wanting her to be someone she isn't, never was and never will be.

This doesn't make you a bad daughter at all. It makes you a wise person with healthy boundaries. If you stay to insist on "helping" it would make you a groomed daughter, a dysfunctional daughter.

Also please consider that if you keep inappropriately inserting yourself into her life and affairs, it will delay her getting help from social services in her county. She's an alcoholic. Stay away from her unless she becomes sober and stays sober. Then you maybe can consider a relationship with her. But seek counseling for yourself first (BetterHelp.com) or attend Al-Anon meetings.

If you feel terrible about her situation, this is grief, not guilt. You've done nothing wrong so never feel guilty. She is choosing this and insisting upon it. We can't choose our family but we can choose how (or if) we interact with them. May you receive peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.

No matter how much you think it would benefit her you can't legally put someone in a nursing home just because they are making poor life decisions, she is mentally competent and free to live her life as she chooses. What you can change is the way you react to her situation, there is no need for you to dance attendance whenever she finds herself in a crisis, just like people struggling with addictions she may have to hit rock bottom before she is willing to admit her life needs to change - or not.