My husband won’t admit to the fact he’s in mental decline. Lately I’ve noticed he’s soiling himself, mostly at night but times during the day. He flatly refuses to consider wearing some kind of Depends or under garment. He refuses to face reality and continues to live in his fantasy world where I’m wrong and know nothing. I cannot get him to even consider possible elder care law to oversee his financial responsibilities. He refuses to give me POA. His primary care physician won’t further test him or discuss his declining state. I feel powerless and hopeless.
Why won't his primary care doctor further test him? If you're in the U.S., husband should be having an annual Medicare wellness visit, and doctors MUST evaluate mental status at that time. Before his next visit, you can send a note to his doctor explaining your husband's symptoms. You won't get a reply, but doctor might take some action such as ordering further tests.
I'm so sorry you're in this mess, but you do have power. (Just because someone tells you that you know nothing, it doesn't mean it's true.)
Seize your power.
1. Refuse to clean up after his accidents.
2. See an elder law attorney to find out your rights and how to protect your financial future. Don't take husband to the appointment. Don't tell husband you're going.
3. Leave home. Go visit a friend or family and stay away for a while. During that time you can make plans to leave permanently.
4. Quietly start cleaning out closets and removing your belongings to a safe place; for instance, a storage unit that he doesn't know about.
OR you keep the house and he gets out. If he needs 24/7 care, which may be the case, he goes to a facility. His doctor can recommend that.
5. Don't listen to his pleas to reconcile - you've been there and done that and you don't want the tee-shirt.
There are ways out, but you have to be willing to step out of your usual habits. Unfortunately, you've had long training to accept your role as a lesser person in this marriage. That's sad, and you don't have to go on that way. Many women have suffered this, and many have escaped. You can too.
That's the good news; the bad news is that you are next of kin as his wife, so they will all come to you anyway.
My advice is to leave.
You have, however chosen to stay all these years.
And you are an adult, so will have to make your own decisions and bear the responsibility of them.
I would leave, I would empty the accounts and put them into my own name, see an elder law attorney for division of finances, or skip him and go directly to divorce attorney for the same.
This is a man clearly you cannot and likely do not love. So why would you allow him to rob you, in his caregiving needs, of all assets save for a paultry 100,000 that won't do much for your own care when you need it.
After you are out of the door and the accounts are in your name to the extent you are able (if everything is in HIS name only you have SERIOUS problems and need an attorney appt Monday.) you need to call APS. Tell them you cannot and do not intend to provide him care and he is an elder at risk and needs assessment and likely guardianship of the state. As I said, better to have assets in your control and a divorce before that is done, so be guided by a good divorce attorney.
Or, hey. You can stay. That is an option. This all rests in your hands. I can only tell you what I would do in this moment, tho it is for certain that I would have LONG been gone from this situation, and that would have been before the poop hit the fan.
Good luck.
Whose name is on the deed to your house (if you are in one)? Or car(s)? Or any other assets? I would start looking for important paperwork to bring to the attorney (and also to protect it from him destroying it -- sometimes people with dementia can become very paranoid or exercise pockets of very poor judgment).
You may need to find his credit or debit cards, checkbook, etc. to make sure he isn't doing irrational things with your shared assets and joint accounts. When we discovered the extent of my MIL's memory impairment she had $930 in overdraft fees that the bank was unwilling to waive (they waived about half of it, but still...!)
If he still drives, you may need to deal with this if you have witnessed him being an dangerous driver.
A "simple" temporary solution for his incontinence is to through out all his cloth underwear and replace it with disposables and keep throwing them out if he replaces them.
You can also contact social services for your county to discuss possible court-assigned legal guardianship for him (and not you but a 3rd party as the guardian).
If he has an online presence you may want to see who he's been interacting with (if anyone). This is where many people with dementia get scammed.
If, in the meantime, he does anything to you that feels threatening or abusive (even just verbally) call 911 and tell them he is being aggressive and "not himself", that he might have a UTI. Do not tell them he has dementia, since this is not considered a medical emergency and they can't fix that at the ER. Once he's there make sure they know you are not his caregiver and he is an unsafe discharge. Ask to talk to a social worker to transition him into a facility directly from the hospital, if possible. Don't let the discharge staff pressure you into taking him home. Just keep saying no. Make sure other family, neighbors, friends, are told to NOT go get him if he calls for a ride home. This situation might be a golden opportunity to get him out of the house more easily.
I'm so sorry for this situation. It will feel overwhelming and a lot of work but then as you "eat the elephant one bite at a time" things will improve, ie you will have more protection and a plan of action. I wish you much success!
If he is ever in the hospital, tell the SW you will not take him home. His care is more than you can handle. Have him evaluated for 24/7 care. If they say he needs it, place him in LTC. When his split of the assets is almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. You then become the Community spouse, remain in the home, have a car and have enough or all of the monthly income to live on. But you need an Elder lawyer to split your assets.
If he ever hits u, call the police, tell them u fear for your life and he can't come back. You could also call APS, tell them that you cannot care for him. He needs to be placed and you don't have the abilityvto place him.