My Father is falling and recently stopped showering because he is afraid of falling. His wife has chosen not to be his personal caregiver, we are prepared to hire someone to assist but he refuses any assistance other then his wife. What can we do? My fear is that he is going to fall and do more damage.
And even with those things his wife or paid caregiver may have to assist him in the shower.
My late husband had vascular dementia and was a fall risk. I had to literally help him into our walk in shower and also help wash him up real good, and then help him out. It's not that difficult when you have the right tools in place.
But until you get things figured out, your father and his wife can use the extra large body wipes to wash him up and the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps to wash his hair. Both can be ordered from either Amazon or Walmart.com.
Best wishes in getting things figured out for your father.
Is the shower itself seniorized? Has grip bars? Is warm? Has a shower seat and a hand-held shower head? Has a non-skid bath mat and rug? A place to sit while he towels off?
That is the question of Sibyl, who is right on top of your own question currently. Her mother is experiencing falls as well.
This is one of the most common and problematic questions we get. The falls, which have a frailty and age component has more a component of aging brain in which the lower brain areas responsible for balance are simply "going". An elder (I am 81 and guarantee it) feels a bit like a feather in the wind. As both an elder and a forner RN I guarantee you that diligent as you are, and no matter what you do, Dad is more than likely to fall. He can feel this as he moves about. And short of moving with an assist, it is almost impossible to prevent. Walkers help some. Balance exercises help some (and take others down!).
I would check in with doc, ask for a PT consult, and attend with your father to see what might help. But the sad fact is that this is a sad fact of aging. And you are right, eventually things will break. It spelled the beginning of the end for my mom in her 90s. Led to hospitalization, catheter, infection, sepsis, home again, another fall, pneumonia. And eventually her body could not sustain. I am so sorry. I wish you the best. Get all the expert help you can and hope for the best.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/93/bathing/articles
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=water+shoes+men&crid=3BQITIF0D1U3F&sprefix=Water+shoex%2Caps%2C188&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_11
Best of luck.
Do not expect the male aide to shower him on day one. Let them get to know each other first. Show the male aide the bathroom and if he says buy X, Y, Z, do it so that he will be able to shower your father safely. Once the bathroom is "seniorized" the male aide will more than likely be able to coax your father to shower.
When I was seniorizing my FIL's shower stall, I found 3M Safety-Walk Tape for the tile floor. My FIL already had a shower chair. He loves the tape and feels safe.
Perhaps it's time to have a blunt conversation with your dad that his wife is not going to be his caregiver and neither are you and so his choice is between allowing a male aide to help him or alienating everyone with his body odor, which will happen if he continues to refuse to shower.
I know the feeling of "It's complicated" and I sympathize. Once I realized that we were allowing my FIL to make things "complicated" because we were allowing him to tie us up in knots because he was averse to making any changes, I changed my approach and helped my husband change his too. It takes courage (FIL got angry) and practice (it's okay to sound like a broken record) but only you can change the dynamics between you and your father for any meaningful change to happen.
We did trick out her shower in all of the ways others are recommending.