My 90 YO mother wants me and my husband to take care of her. We are adamant that we don't want to do that, but she refuses to consider group living. She complains all the time about being lonely (and just about everything else). I have never gotten over my resentment toward my parents for my unpleasant childhood, and I frankly don't want to have anything to do with them. She never made any plans for herself in her old age, assuming that it would be my duty. I don't want to be cruel and be honest with her. Meanwhile, she keeps throwing "hints."
You need to be straight, clear and direct.
"Mom, I will not be caring for you in your home or in mine".
"I can't possibly do that".
"Mom, I can't do this".(you have to explain what "this" is--at least I had to explain it to my mom.
Above all--DO NOT get sucked into being her only CG and getting her to the point she will refuse all outside care.
BOUNDARIES!!
I know of which I speak. My own MIL is now 'dying in place' at her home with Hospice on board and her 3 kids taking 24 hr shifts to care for her. Her 'kids' are 75, 71 and 67. All Srs themselves! This slowly crept into place (we call it Mission Creep on this Forum)..you go from maybe just 'helping out' a day a week and in the blink of an eye, you are in the situation my DH and his sibs are in. Their mother's overarching needs is sucking the joy and life out of all 3 of them, not to mention the damage it's doing to their marriages and families.
My MIL was placed in Hospice b/c she was deemed to be actively dying. She has rallied and now the 24/7 CG is solidly in place. It could go on for months.
What your mom WANTS and what she GETS may likely be complete opposites.
If you have issues with her, from past abuse or whatever, the CG becomes untenable. My DH is burned out and crabby all the time.
Sorry she didn't plan for the future, but she must have some funds--I'd sit her down and be very frank with her. NO more 'hints'--just "No, Mom, we cannot possibly care for you appropriately in our home. We'll help you move to a better placce for you, but we won't bring you into our home." (I'm not stating that very well--but you get the drift.)
IT IS NOT YOUR DUTY TO CARE FOR YOUR MOM IN YOUR HOME. I get the feeling you know that.
Don't let guilt sit in the driver's seat on this. 'Cause it sounds like mom is laying a guilt trip on you.
Good Luck. You sure aren't alone in this--as if that knowledge makes any of us feel better!
Good luck!
My MIL moved to Fla when her granddaughter was 4. Never really tried to have a relationship with her. It was a 2 day drive so we only went every 2 yrs, When girls were on their own, 1x a year and when she got up there 2xs. After FIL died, she started hinting to DH to move down there. No, he had a job with a pension and was not moving. Sometimes he said nothing. Then when we retired it was "there's a house for sale" DH just let her talk. Problem with this is by not saying N0 she thought she could talk him into it. One day she got me on the phone and mentioned the house. I told her NO. My Mom was 80 by then and a widow. My MIL said you can move Mom down with u. I said no, she has her Church and friends wouldn't take her away from that. MIL said "We all have to compromise" I felt like say "Everyone but you E" I didn't. She always wanted things her way.
Stick to ur guns. You have very good reasons why you should not care for her.
Much like the noble cockroach, once an elderly person infests a home, it makes removing them significantly more challenging. Ounce of prevention vs a pound of cure type situation.
You’ll likely have to wait until she has a medical emergency and then get her placed.
Im going to link one of the best threads this forum has ever seen. Read it over and in particular read Kimber’s post. Great info there.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/elderly-parents-trying-to-force-themselves-into-your-home-do-i-start-calling-senior-living-places-no-459759.htm?orderby=recent&page=2
Be kind but blunt. Don’t give her any hope. And emphasize that she will need more care than you are qualified to provide. She’s going to have to cave or find another willing relative.
More and more, the children of the very elderly are refusing to step up to the plate. That’s the way it should be.
Although we did our best to prepare, nature has definitely thrown us a curveball. Since we both had long careers in the nonprofit sector (not known for munificent salaries), putting away million$ for retirement wasn't in the cards, but we did save. Our legal paperwork, including POLSTs and healthcare directives, is in order.
Still, there are decisions we could not fully anticipate having to make. That said, we don't expect our adult children "to step up to the plate" except on an occasional basis--their choice--when/if the time comes.
Mother, living with me is not an option & I will no longer discuss it.
However I can help you find alternatives.
You can have people come to your home to help. Or move where there is is help.
It is also time to be certain that you do not enable your mother to believe she can expect reliable and continuous help from you. See to it she has numbers to call to hire people to drive her where she needs to go, to shop for her, to cook and clean for her so she can maintain her independence.
To be quite frank I cannot imagine even taking on POA work for a parent that let me down, whether due to her honest limitations or not. I would in fact have only few and brief visits and contacts. But that is just me.
Your purpose on this planet to live out your life, not hers. She has already had the opportunity to live her life and she has no right to steal your life from you.
Best wishes to you.