She is incontinent and won't change pads and depends regularly, doesn't bathe (just a washcloth that she doesn't wash regularly), has a hard time remembering to take her meds. Husband and I work full-time and live 15 minutes away. It's becoming overwhelming with her demands. Gentle hints at "Mom, can I come assist you with a bath sometime" or hiring someone to just come in (who's already in the facility) to make sure she's got her meds for the day, compression sox on, and a bath on occasion has her fuming! "I don't need help!" Yes, Mom, you do. Please let us! What can I/we do?
If no one is her PoA, you can attempt to take her to an attorney to do this. The attorney will interview her privately to see if she is capable of understanding what a PoA is and does. Sounds like she probably won't go but you can create a therapeutic fib to get her there (anything you tell her to motivate her to go. Once at the office she might be more amenable to creating the documents if it's explained to her by someone other than family.
If she ends up without a PoA you won't be able to easily manage her affairs legally and may end up reporting her to APS as a vulnerable adult. They will move to attain guardianship of her (if family doesn't choose to do this). They will assume management of all her affairs and make all decisions in her best interests going forward, including transitioning her into a facility.
I came home from a client today having overheard her daughter say on the phone to a respite care provider "... she can't get out of bed or walk to the bathroom on her own." Ha! - au contraire, the problem is that she not only can but DOES go walkabout all on her own. She is a broken hip waiting to happen.
Could anyone at the ILF arrange a needs and/or risk assessment, and explain to MIL in a professional manner that a regular service review is part of their contractual responsibility? She may take suggestions with more grace if they come from someone with a uniform and an ID lanyard (won't necessarily accept them, mind...).
I can't add but to say I am living similar... so sympathise.
Mine is hanging onto her independence firmly (understandable) despite have dreadful mobility, lack of bathing or pad changes too. Plus poor diet. Plus frequent falls.
Physio said best for her to stay on her feet - until she can't. Then things WILL change.
Her Doctor said I am in the club: 'awaiting a crises' club.
You too. Welcome.
And the one of the reasons people don't change their incontinence products is because they are expensive, grab her CC and stock up, an over abundance may make her more apt to change.
The other one.. just can't physically manage. Says can. (But can't).
Your husbands POA must read that he can take over once she is found incompetent. She is now incompetent and if his POA reads he needs that confirmed by a doctor or two, then he needs to get it done. DH needs to realize that Mom can no longer make decisions when it comes to her care. That is now his job.
My Mom had lost her sense odpf smell so I did bluntly tell her she stank. She needed to at least have her underarms washed and deodorant on.
The important thing now is safety checks. This WILL, of course, come to a head, often enough with a broken hip or other bone. There will then be transit to the ER and there will be a diagnosis. Get the Social Worker to assist you in getting emergency temporary guardianship and work with him or her on placement from hospital or rehab.
I wish you good luck. We have had people on Forum with elders they struggled to get diagnosed or place, and were unable to. I hope a few are reading now. One of our frequent contributors did all she could to protect/place/assist a stubborn Mom who ended dying at home. That of course, is an option, and there is little upside to losing all control of your life and your faculties and your body, and ending with your rights taken from you as well.
I am so sorry. I recognize you spend so much of your time in fear and pain worrying; but there is little you can do ultimately.