My brother came up from Florida & now we are fighting about her. I’ve been having dizzy spells, headaches & diarrhea. How do I handle this? She has some dementia which is part of her CKD symptoms. She won’t see a nephrologist. She won’t let us talk to her Dr. She’s mad if I call instead of come and mad when I come. I buy her groceries, I never get the right thing. I don’t pay her bills right. What do I do in this case, just wait for her to pass? This is really bad. Both of my parents were raging narcissists & made me feel like I did everything wrong my whole life. Now at the end of her life I’m made to feel like I can’t get this right either? My brothers & I will come into money when she passes yet she won’t let us spend a dime for in-home care. She is a bitter nasty old woman, who would want to be remembered that way.
Do you have POA and sign her bill checks? Can you set up online payment with her bank so you don’t have to keep worrying about that? Do her bills get delivered to your house?
Start emotionally and mentally detaching. It’s really hard at first but then it gets easier. Gray rock her. https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method
The solution here isn’t for you to learn how to take her abuse better, The solution is for her to stop abusing you. Since that isn’t going to happen, do the minimum of what you want to do for her.
Im curious why your bother is fighting with you. What is his point of view?
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it sounds like it's way past time time for you to reclaim your life.
I took an curious about your and your brothers argument. I suspect both of you tensions are on high right now and taking it out on each other.
Id tell mom , under no circumstances are you going to do anymore for her at this point, she needs more care than you can do. If she won't listen then walk away and call APS.
Best of luck, keep us posted on how things are going
In the meantime, you walk away. Do absolutely NOTHING for her. Do not take her calls, do not run her errands, clean her house, wash her laundry, buy her groceries, make her meals, or keep her company. Make sure you tell her why she's being cut out of your life.
Then give her a choice. If she wants you helping her to continue she puts the brakes on the verbal abuse and ingrate behavior. Otherwise she will be left on her own to rot in her own misery.
Try to patch things up with your brother. Don't let your mother's nastiness ruin your relationship with your brother. That's not fair to either of you. Tell him how she is to you and that you will not be her caregiver. Then the two of you can make a plan for her.
That plan will be either she pays for in-home care or she pays it to a nursing home.
You'd be shocked at how fast a stubborn and nasty elder gets on board with homecare when the other alternative is being taken out of their home and put into facility care.
That sounds "nicer".
No one can really "make you" feel anything. You choose what to feel and what not to feel, for the most part.
If you wish to have a nice day I would say it will need to be one in which you avoid contact with your mother.
If she doesn't want to see a doctor that is likely good news. Kidney dialysis is my idea of a torturous way to go. Without it she will be able to pass more peacefully. And yes, in all likelihood, you will feel relief when she is gone. She wasn't a good mother. She had a full life and did it "her way" and she will be gone. You will no longer have to worry, feel inappropriate guilt, shop, listen to her anger, witness her losses. It will be done. She is on her way where we are ALL going.
Make a life for yourself. Stop marinating in your mom's problems. Let her alone. If she calls and wants groceries, call a delivery place and have them delivered to them.
Or continue as you have been. You are a grown up. You are responsible for your own choices. You will have to live with the repercussions of your own choicses. Neither your mother nor your brother nor anyone else will thank you for having much more to do with her.
Just leave her be.
That would be my recommendation for your best path toward your happiest and healthiest life. I wish you the best, but this is all your own choice, sadly. If I had a magic wand I would wave it right quick! I just don't.
Your well-being matters too, don't let her walk all over you, set boundaries and stick to them, she cannot walk on you unless you are laying on the floor, time to stand up and be counted.
surprisingly: many, many elderly people don’t mind being remembered that way.
they’ll even get nastier and nastier. they’re miserable and want those around them to be even more miserable than they are: that makes them feel good.
No truer words have ever been spoken or written. Elderly people who are nasty bullies to their families or caregivers don't care how they will be remembered. They usually have a history of this kind of behavior long before they're old as well. When they're younger it's often done by a more subtle approach. Passive/aggressive behavior, gaslighting, instigating. They enjoy causing strife and discord within their own families.
I find that these types when they're old often proclaim to others that when they go they don't want a funeral or any kind of memorial service at all. I think it's because they believe no one will go to it. They're usually right even when there's a catered lunch and an open bar afterwards.
So many of our beloved seniors will trade legacy or love and respect for their families for the satisfaction of being a miserable, nasty bully while they're here. They want that more than the love of their families.