My boyfriend of two years is 26 and stuck caring for his 80 year old father and his 56 year old mentally handicapped brother. Any advice?

You don’t want to leave him so accept the fact that you might be in your 50’s or 60’s by the time your bf is “free” to pursue his own life.
Although between that time your parents may be dependent on you to care for them. At that rate unless you two decide that your lives are just as important as his father, his brother and your parents you two will never get to live your lives.
(and side note, if the brother has no intention of going back to his wife he should divorce and begin getting what he is entitled to as far as income, pension or social security disability if he qualifies no reason that all he gets should not go to his care

You're 22 for a start. You started dating when you were barely out of your teens, so don't get hung up on your BF being The One. I'm sure he's a very nice guy, but you have zero life experience and don't have any idea what your future holds.

Now, on to the other issues.

Your BF, if he doesn't have power of attorney for his dad, has no power to make medical or financial decisions for him. Do you know if anyone holds POA for Dad?

If your BF does have the power, he needs to get Dad into assisted living now or skilled nursing if he has no money. Your BF needs to know what kind of money Dad has and apply for Medicaid if he doesn't have enough to pay for assisted living.
He must enlist his siblings to help with this at least.

The brother is his wife's problem -- period. Once Dad is settled, inform the wife the house is being closed up/sold, and she has to figure out what to do with him. She's his next of kin, so he is not your BF's responsibility.

Now -- you. If you don't want to be part of all this drama (and frankly, you're too young to be in it), either take a break from your relationship or break up with your boyfriend. You also deserve a good life as much as your BF does.

He’s not stuck. He’s choosing to be there. You’re not stuck. You’re choosing to put up with it. I feel your pain, but you could find someone who is freer than this guy to move forward into a new future with you. If you continue in the relationship, fast forward ten years or so. You’ll likely be taking care of his dad (have you ever emptied urinals?). You’ll have his brother in residence (along with his scary mental problems, which freak you out because he keeps a collection of knives under his mattress). You could have a couple of kids, and they’ll need lots of attention, but there’s that dang urinal to empty and the doctor appointment you have to drive his dad to, and of course you still need to buy groceries on the way home but you’ll be too tired to stop with two crying whining kids and an ailing old man who can’t be left alone in the car because he wanders. And then it gets worse…..

Advise boyfriend to seek out some Counselling or a Social Worker to assist his situation.

He will have many decisions to make, starting with what kind of life does he want? Will he choose to continue to live with dependant family members or help arrange they have suitable housing?

Is he going to let others steer his canoe or steer his own?

Let him decide.

If you find after a reasonable time you need to row on alone, do so.

Your boyfriend did not "inherit" the mortgage unless he was a co-signer to it.

You are being sucked into a melodrama/soap opera of a situation that your boyfriend could get out of if he chose to.

Be smart and put some space between this family and you. Work on your career. Save money. Join Bogleheads.org and be frugal and savvy.

You are so young; TOO young to waste your life in this relationship as it is now. Your bf needs a lot of therapy to help him learn how to disengage from his toxic family situation. It may take a long time.

Be responsible by staying home, feeding your 3 cats, not leaving them for your parents. Live where you are paying rent.

Do not, repeat, do not enter or stay at a home where anyone has a disability, a history of a psychotic break, and is not supervised by a caretaker...(not the Dad). Stop that now.

If it is not safe for the wife to live with him, it is not safe for you.
BTW, it is not your business, but the income follows the disabled person. A legal separation or divorce is in order to provide the wife an income.

Your story sounds like the next (oft repeated) news headline:
"Mentally disabled man goes on rampage killing family members in several locations." Google it, how is your story much different?

You should exit this toxic situation for your own safety. Go back home. A person's brain is not fully developed before the age of 25. Forgive yourself.

Anon, the saddest stories here start out with "I had to...".

You don't have any responsibility in this sad tale, but it sounds like you are choosing to get sucked in.

Please disengage before these folks start to disable you.

What do you do for a living? Have you been to college or post secondary training?

Wow, lots going on here. If the sister in law is using the pilot’s disability benefit, that sounds like fraud. That would be big trouble for her and they pursue fraud aggressively. Turn her in. His benefit should take care of his needs by professionals.

As far as your bf, I gently observe he take back his life. His kind nature to mother hen dad and brother is drowning him at only 26 years old. Please, do not drown yourself to keep him company. Both dad and brother need professional care in appropriate facilities for both their sake and your bf. It will be a hard transition but his good intentions are simply not enough for all invested.

I’d say this to my granddaughter (deeply loved) find training or a job to secure independence for yourself. Depending on others is not a happy road to be on. Self reliance will lead to happier days ahead. You can do this. Hugs, kid. Your whole life is ahead of you now go get it.

"He doesn’t know what to do."

What sources of information has he sought help from?

Is he getting help from a therapist, mental health professionals, lawyers, the Area Agency on Aging?

Has he talked to his doctor? The Employee Assistance Program at his "really good job"?

Smart people are resourceful people. If you want to help, make him a list of these resources and see if he does anything. If nothing else, he needs to get his depression treated.

You said: "My bf has a really good job but unfortunately lives paycheck to paycheck bc of the amount of responsibility he has taken up. I haven’t gotten my own place yet bc I can’t afford it on my own."

So, you think that the boyfriend should spend his big paychecks on you instead of helping his family? Why? Because you want but can't afford your own place?

You wrote: "I’m lucky my parents understand my situation and haven’t kicked me out yet."

So you think your own family should/could kick you out, and you want some guy to abandon his family to rescue you? You want him to trade one crazy burden for another?

You wrote: "I don’t have anyone else I could ask to room with, and I’m not comfortable living with strangers."

This guy is your only choice in life? What happens when he gets sick of your neediness and kicks you out?

How about you focus on your own life, get a better paying job so you can get your own place?

Oh wait, you can't get a better paying job? Why? You don't have enough skills? Then go back to school, part time or online, after work, whenever. Make it work, not excuses.

Learn to stand on your own two feet and support yourself.
Learn to be a responsible adult.
Stop being a silly and needy little girl.

Notice I didn't mention one word about the boyfriend's crazy family and drama? None of that is your business. Stay out of it.

"But I love him" you might say. Oh yeah? Would you still love him if he was penniless, jobless and stuck helping his crazy family for the next 20-30 years? He's too busy with his own family drama to love you back.

Go make a better life for yourself.

What if you were to print out what you told us, and present it to your grand-parents?

Or, even your own parents?

What would they advise you?

You are very young. Don't tie yourself down to this situation dealing with disabled individuals. It happened to me when I was very young. I had an alcoholic mother, disabled sister and a father who was absentee even though he lived at home. Men will act one or two ways. They will either leave the situation permanently and have little to do with it, or they will become overly responsible for dependent grown adults that look to him for all of the answers.

I missed out on the majority of my education I should have obtained after high school. I married in my late teens. After the baby, the wuzband decided the baby and I were nothing more than milestones around his neck. He knew that I had one place to go and that was back home. Dad greeted me back with open arms since he saw me as a built in caregiver and left to go live with his girlfriend. Mom died later on and I was left caring for my sister. I started college and managed to get a new job that afforded me to leave and get my own place. I had my sister placed in a group home. It didn't happen overnight. It took three years to get her finally placed. I moved out. It was a lot of wear and tear on me. Finally, I got out of the helping profession altogether and worked in an office. I took classes again and it was fun in nursing, but my first few cases were terrible. Dependent people have a way of looking for the caregiver to fulfill all of their needs even if they can do some things for themselves. I started to feel a deep resentment for the one on one care. Unfortunately, nothing has changed in the private caregiving business except more responsibilites and minimum wage pay.

It doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are going to have a good start on your lives together. Starting out with family drama is not a good foundation for starters. Your haven't been alive long enough to decide what you want out of life and to discover yourself as a person. Taking classes and finding out your likes and dislikes is how you establish what your interests are and what you will pursue in the workforce. You can also get into a good trade school. There are online schools. Check with the Board of Education for each state to make sure they are accredited. Google and linkedin have courses as well.


Get an education and get a good job. You are going to need a 401K, medical and dental insurance for the next level of your life. Grow into your adulthood without the burdens of other people.

Run! Run away fast! This is a dead end situation for you.

Hi - you've gotten some great advice here from others - and I really hope that you re-read the comments several times to really process the feedback.
From reading your post, I got the impression that you're immersing yourself more on your boyfriend's situation rather than taking steps in developing and improving your own life. If you want your own apartment, then plan the steps to get yourself there - pursue an education, or classes, training - whatever it takes to plan your livelihood and a career. This is the time to do it. And finding a roommate, even if it's not someone you know, is still an option - if you really want to be on your own, then it's a first step towards your independence. From what you have written, if you continue down this course, you're setting yourself up for added burdens, that aren't even your own. I think you need to take a step back - start planning your own life - and the rest will follow.

Also, others on this post provided the best resources for your boyfriend in providing help and support for his dad and brother - please share these with him. And I agree that his brother needs to take the necessary steps for a divorce - he should have access to his benefits and get the proper help that he needs. It's unfortunate that your boyfriend is in this situation - it's a lot to manage and handle, especially at his age - he must feel overwhelmed. And I hope he is able to reach out to extended family, as well, for help.
By taking each step, it's moving closer towards gaining more clarity, and in achieving the best results so things don't remain stagnant.

Wishing you all the best~

Your boyfriend is not responsible for this situation. By "inherited the mortgage" do you mean that Mom left Boyfriend the house or her half? If he owns half, then Dad should be paying the other half of the Mortgage.

This is how it works. Dad gets Social Security. I hope after his wifes death he went to SS and had it adjusted. She may have made more money than he did. If so, he gets the highest SS.

The Uncle gets Social Security. The Uncle needs to have his Social Security and pension sent to a new account. This can be done because its his money. His wife can then take him to court and the Judge determine how much she is entitled to. She kicked him out. If she too is 56, she can work. He also receives Medicare and Medicaid so should have only maybe co-pays.

Dad and Uncle should be able to care for themselves. If the Mortgage is too high, then sell the house and use the proceeds to help offset the cost of them living together in an apartment. If your boyfriend inherited half the house, he gets half the proceeds. He then can get himself his own apartment.

There are solutions. Really, with older siblings, he should not be held responsible. He can walk away and allow them to take over.

I remember being 22. I had so much to learn about life. One thing I did learn was to let things go at their own pace. Not to rush things. You are paying to live home, then live home. Let ur boyfriend come to you. Really, this is not how I would want to spend my time at 22. Being around a person who may have Dementia and someone who could fly off the handle anytime. Your 22. You should be having fun.

You need to get a job where u can live on your own. Get some training, go to College/Jr College. Do not depend on a man for your support. Do not live with a man without some commitment like an engagement ring. If you live with him, always easier to walk away. Take those Rose colored glasses off. Boyfriend has to make changes. If Dad is showing signs of Dementia, he needs to be placed with medicaid paying for his care. Uncles wife needs to find him help. So just place him back on her doorstep. BF needs to do this. If he doesn't there is no future for you. No way should you ever be asked to move into this.

Your parents, why should they "kick you out" your paying half of everything when there are 3 people, at least, in the house. It should be split 3 ways.

There is a possibility that your boyfriend is not being fully honest about the income and expenses at his father's house where they all live.

And why would he tell you? You are not family.

Is there a need for you to pay a rent, split expenses, or contribute?
Has he received any money from you?
Or, are you paying for dates, dinners out?

Does he need to say how much money he doesn't have to create a boundary with you?

Think about the powerless position you have placed yourself in: Not being family; not married; no changes or commitment from boyfriend; not safe to stay there or live there unless boyfriend is present.

Keep your own income to yourself in any case.

This is the best advice you will ever receive: Get out now. You are young and will find someone else to love who does not have this baggage. My husband has a developmentally disabled sister. His parents never made financial provisions for their daughter. They also believed she should live with her family after they were gone. No one in the family wants to live with her and deal with her issues and there’s been so much hateful arguing amongst family members that it’s destroyed my husband’s family relationships. So far I have avoided having her live with me, but we have to give my brother in law money monthly to cover her expense shortfalls. We are retirees in a fixed income ourselves.

I love my husband very much but I don’t have the temperament to live with his sister for the rest of my life. If his brother demands that we have to take her, I will be divorcing. Up until now we’ve had a happy 45 year marriage but I really regret marrying into his family. I was 22 years old and I was so in love that this situation wasn’t even on my radar.

The fact that you posted your story means you acknowledge you don’t like this situation. Know this, the current situation is as good as it will get. It will be a steady downhill as time goes in. Know this too, from the reading I’ve done, statistically most marriages where there is a DD sibling living with the couple ends in divorce. Spare yourself this scenario.

You have others here saying it's 'not your boyfriend's responsibility' and this that & the other thing. The reality of the situation is something different, however, b/c dysfunctional family dynamics DO exist all over the place, which is what YOU are witnessing with your own 2 eyes here. Whether your b/f 'should' or 'should not' be giving his family members financial support is irrelevant: the fact remains that he IS giving them financial support and likely will CONTINUE to do so for LIFE, forcing him to live 'paycheck to paycheck' forever. That means YOU are a party to this lifestyle he's agreed to, like it or not. Some family dynamics are impossible to escape b/c the person involved doesn't have the chutzpah or the heart to do what's necessary TO escape. #Fact. This is not a figment of my imagination, but a fact of life we see all too often here on the forum. A situation where the wife or the g/f is involved in a relationship where SHE comes SECOND. Do you want that for your life? Do you want to be #2 or #3 in your b/f's life while he's busy doting on his family members and giving them his time, attention and money? Because THAT is what your life is going to look like moving forward.

You may think love will change his mind, but in reality, it isn't likely to. His family bonds and responsibilities are stronger than any love you will show him. I know b/c I was married for 22 years to a man who's familial bonds were stronger than his love for me. And it took me 22 years to finally say ENOUGH and to divorce him. And it's been only lately, at 65 years old and after 20+ years of being divorced, that the reality of what I put up with is hitting me in the face. I'm not sure why, either, after all this time. But it is. I was 22 also when I hooked up with my ex. Why in God's name I did is beyond me, too, because he DID show me who he was and I did not believe him. I should have. What I should have seen and believed was that he loved and honored his family MORE so than he did me. And I should have stepped away from that situation entirely, as I was strongly advised to do by others. But I didn't. I fooled myself into thinking that he was good & kind & sweet FOR being devoted to his family. Silly me.

So now you are faced with a similar choice. You 'don't know what to do; you don't want to leave him and you love him.' But sometimes, love is not enough when it means that you're accepting that you will be put on the back burner in this man's life while he attends to his family first. Do you want that situation for LIFE? THAT is the question to ask yourself, and then you will have your answer about 'what to do.'

And if your decision is to stay with him, you too may be facing a tough decision later on down the road, after having a few kids and finding yourself STILL unfulfilled in this relationship. Because his dad will die and he'll have that guilt to deal with, but his 56 y/o psychotic brother can live for another 30 years or MORE. Which will undoubtedly foul up YOUR marriage b/c your b/f will allow it to. The way I see it, b/f either makes a decision NOW that he chooses YOU as his #1 or you walk away. But that's just my take on things after decades of life's experience dealing with dysfunctional people.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision.

Drop the rope.

Focus on college and/or your career.

Consider dating other men. Twenty two is an age in which you should be dating a lot of men to see what is out there.

Only your boyfriend can change your boyfriend.

You can change yourself and work on yourself.

A slightly different approach: Your life is too full for you to think about anything different. You are coping with the dynamics at your parents home, the awful dynamics at BF’s home, and spending a lot of time driving between them (doubtless thinking about what’s at each end of the drive).

You are probably the best thing in BF's life. He needs headspace too. If he "has a really good job but unfortunately lives paycheck to paycheck", he should have the brains to sort out the money issues, if he is not running around after you.

You need a break. You don’t have to drop BF if you don’t want to, but you do need a chance to think about something different from this overwhelming situation. Can you have a holiday by yourself? Visit an old school friend? Agree just to talk on the phone for a couple of weeks? Check out a job or a course? BF can cope without you in his bed for a bit, and if he can’t you certainly need time to think. A break for a couple of weeks is nothing compared with the sort of long term commitment that you might be walking into. Look after yourself – no-one else can!

I’ve been thinking more about you today, and want to add a bit more. You don’t know what to do. You probably feel powerless. And that is exactly right – you are powerless. It is BF who has the power, and he doesn’t want to use it. BF has no responsibility to be there at all. He can walk away when he likes.

Leave brother to sort things out with his wife and pension, leave father to decide on his own accommodation. You don’t mention the finances for Assisted Living, so the chances are that BF has done virtually no investigation of that option. If BF owns the house, he can sell, take the proceeds minus outstanding mortgage, put it in the bank and start saving himself for a house of his own. If he doesn’t own the house, he can’t have taken over the mortgage. This about father “loses everything in the house constantly to where my bf has to keep buying new stuff” makes no sense at all.

Father may be manipulative, but BF is not acting as though he is a grown man who needs to take charge of his own life. If you follow the previous suggestion of taking a break for both of you to breathe, see if it changes. It certainly needs to!