I am the eldest daughter of 5 kids. We all grew up in an alcoholic home. Lots of emotional abuse. I was the scapegoat so I finally had to move to a different state to protect myself. My dad had a stroke and it’s serious. He can’t dress himself and can’t control his bladder. My brother was appointed the power of attorney over my dad which is fine but he’s taking it too far! He’s trying to do it all himself and keeps saying that he’s in the lead and he has to be in the lead because if too many hands are in the pot it causes him a lot of stress. He keeps saying that when I try to reach out and help him that I’m causing all kinds of conflicts in the family and extra stress and tells me that I was creating drama and that he’s got it covered. At the same time, he’s complaining that he’s stressed to the max, I can’t do this job, I can’t take care of the girls at home, his marriage is falling apart. I tried to help them out by helping him look into different assisted-living places that we can place my dad because I’m in another state and I don’t work and I don’t have any kids and I have lots of time that I can just be on the phone in the computer. I guess he hired some advisor and is paying her a lot of money and they told me that I caused a huge amount of drama because I was trying to get information and then I messed everything up and caused a huge amount of work for people because I was sticking my hand into the pot or didn’t belong. He told me to stay out of it and then told my dad who's sick, that if he didn’t tell me to quit trying to help out that he was gonna walk away from being a power of attorney. My poor father‘s trying to learn how to walk again and he called me all stressed out screaming at me and telling me to quit causing so much trouble in the family! Did I really do something wrong? Was I not supposed to try to help? I’m really confused? Does me trying to help really make things worse I truly was trying to make things easier on him. All of my family members have been calling and yelling at me for trying to reach out and said that my brother has to be in the lead and they always like to help to but they have to hold back because he said that he hast to do it all because it his position as a power of attorney. He said he can sign up for this job and he has too much on his plate but that it has to be done! Personally it sounds like he’s got some issues and has to be the hero or something but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe us trying to help is the wrong thing to do and I need to just let him do all of it. It just doesn’t seem right to me when I think about it I mean I have a good common sense. I often thought it was the other way around where the power of attorney is overwhelmed because nobody’s willing to help. It’s also strange to me here we have this family and everybody’s willing to do whatever they need to do but my brother won’t ask for any help but yet keeps complaining that he doesn't know if he could continue to do what he’s doing. I’m so confused and I just need to know if what I did by reaching out and trying to help him look for places for my dad to live was truly a horrible thing I did to our family that caused all kinds of stress and drama and made things worse for my father? If this is true then I will stay out of it but if helping out is the correct thing to do and I just need to know that I’m not the horrible person that everybody has made me out to be!!! If I did do something wrong and I wasn’t supposed to help I really need to know so that I can change and just stay out of it and let him do all of the work. Personally I think that sounds crazy why wouldn’t you want people to help you especially when you’re telling them that your plate is so full that you can’t take anything anymore but I’m so confused the way everyone has been yelling and screaming at me and telling me that we all need to let him take the lead. I was letting him take the lead I was just trying to help him lead???
From what you have written, you did not just offer help and then get shredded by the family.
You took actions that interfered with what was already happening for your dads placement.
Huge difference between offering help and taking actions. Every facility that you contacted now has multiple initial contacts and more than likely the person your brother hired to find a facility is not actually paid by the family, they are commissioned and get paid by the facility, which is now a problem if you contacted them.
A leader doesn't need anyone to help them lead, they need people that are willing to follow directives and step aside when needed. They need people to back them up, not get in front or along side them. That's what a leader needs.
If you really want to help, ask him what you can do and if he has any specific ideas about how it needs to be done. Let him lead and you follow, he is very correct saying that it becomes a mess when more than 1 person is leading.
This needs to be about getting your dad the best care possible, not anything else. Dad chose your brother to be in control, honor that decision and be a true helper for him and not someone who is helping him lead.
You sound a bit like me, oldest child and family scapegoat. I am a forward thinker and do lots of research. I also tend to take control and that is not always a good thing.
From your post it appears you saw your brother getting stressed out and instead of asking if there was anything you could do to help, you decided what needed doing and started to do it.
Your brother hired someone to help him and your actions have created more stress for him instead of alleviating it. There is nothing wrong with hiring a professional to help.
Creating a bigger problem for your brother was not your intention, but it is the result. And it has extended beyond him to other family members including your father who is trying to recover from a stroke. You must step back. You must apologize.
It is not easy when you are a take charge person to step back, I know from personal experience. It is harder to apologize, especially when we are trying to help, but if the help was not requested, we are in the wrong.
You got away from this family once. Why are you insisting now on re-inserting yourself in their drama? Stay away. You can't change other people. Offer your help as in "I am glad to help if there is something you can think of that I can do, and if I am capable of doing it." Then stay out of the rest of it. And consider yourself lucky not to be in the middle of it. If your brother ASKED for your help in finding placement, then that's good. If he didn't and you did this on your own, it isn't good. As far as the people who are hired for placement, they are almost always paid for by the facility that is chosen. There are many of them, but A Place For Mom may be the best known. They take note of the persons needs, their assets, and they take family to different facilities until one is found. That facility is the one who pays them.
They are a nightmare and they get credit if you use a place that they provided your information to. Even though you tell them that you are not interested in using their services, they give out your information anyways.
Using someone local that gives you their time and experience, actually helping you find a place that you can afford, is so much better than a place that tries to guilt you into giving several thousand dollars a month to pay for a facility that your loved one can not afford, this is all the help I received from a place for mom. Thieves and cons is more appropriate.
How many times have you asked your brother what you CAN do to help HIM?
And with spare time on your hands, have you offered to come and take over for a few hours or days to give your brother some respite?
Sorry to be blunt, but I think it's appropriate.
" I was letting him take the lead I was just trying to help him lead???"
Helping someone lead is confusing and less productive than being an assistant who is waiting to have a task delegated by the leader. There are plenty of communication and action snafu's that can happen in the multi-sibling caregiving scenario. You may want to consider giving him a sincere blanket (and unqualified) apology and then just clarify that you are happy and willing to help out and will wait for him to contact you with how best. Apologizing doesn't make you the scapegoat in this situation. It elevates you in their minds and makes you emotionally stronger. I'm sorry for your father's stroke. Try not to internalize all the chaos and rather just learn from every mistake you make. Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human. Continuing to make the same mistake is another story. I wish you courage and peace in your heart as you navigate the family dynamics!
The Advisor says you are causing problems. Siblings say u are causing problems. Dad says ur causing problems. You moved out of state because you were a scapegoat. Seems there has been a family dynamic going on for a while. Time to back off. Let brother, the Advisor and Dad work through this. Seems you are not being singled out, everyone has been asked to back off.
My YB is POA for mom, but she DOESN'T NEED ONE. She just needs a little help in making decisions--nothing major, just general family support. "should I buy a new mattress? What kind?' that kind of thing.
YB stepped in and just took over. Mom lives with him and his family--AGAINST the 'wishes' of the rest of the sibs.
He misinterprets what a POA does. He doesn't need to lock her down and not let her out of the house. He doesn't need to make her run every single decision past him. She can't go to lunch with a friend w/o asking his permission. (I'm taking pre-covid days here). Now with covid she has been ONE place in a year and that was to get her shot---and YB wouldn't schedule it, she actually got a call from APS--somebody (I think it was a family member) ratted him out for elder neglect. He likes keeping her under his thumb.
I used to try to step in and do what MOTHER wanted--mostly cleaning and organizing, to a degree--and YB would call me and scream at me until I couldn't even get a word in. I don't need that stress.
I'm a doer, an organizer and a quick study. I see a need and fix it as quickly as possible. YB has mother completely terrified of him and she won't let me do so much as sweep the floor by her birdcage for fear of what YB will do/say. She has stated to me many times that she is terrified of his temper. I called APS once, years ago, and he was called on the carpet, as neighbors had heard him yelling at her--it wasn't just me. Nothing changed, really.
It COULD be that your jumping into the fray to HELP, and I have no doubt that was your intention, made brother just furious. Maybe it messed things up, but not irrevocably! Sounds like you have a really hard time communicating with brother--I can't even talk to mine. The dynamic between him & mother is sick.
Look at other areas of B's life. Is he stressed out about EVERYTHING? Mine is only 58 but he hasn't worked FT for 10 years. It's not like he takes that time and cares for mother, he just sleeps for hours and hours. I know he's severely depressed.
Another telling thing: He has 4 daughters and one son. The son got married and moved out and hopefully won't move back in--but his 4 daughters, ages 34, 32, 29 and 25 all still live at home. They work minimum wage jobs and pretty much never leave the house. The 32 yo is a schoolteacher and she is only living at home while she finishes her Masters. The rest graduated HS and never left home. YB has them absolutely terrified of the world--from since they were children. He has to have complete control over everything and everyone in the house. The 34 yo has a CURFEW.
I'm the only sib who is even remotely unhappy about this living dynamic, but any ideas I have about bringing in aides for mother are shot down and I am the only one who feels mom could/should have better care. It's hard to have her complain to me about YB and then when I find a solution--she and he blow up at me.
I no longer get involved. A visit about every 6-8 weeks and that's it.
I could go on, but don't need to. If I were you I'd just give out a blanket apology and walk away. I did tell my mom if she ever felt truly 'threatened' she should call ME and I would come get her. She's said that she's wanted to do that many times but is afraid of what YB would do. (Yell, that's all he does, but it's very unpleasant). She also knows that I cannot have her in my house as we have a ton of stairs and she can't manage one. I'd have to take her to my sister's--and maybe someday that's what we're going to have to do.
My heart goes out to you. I was where you are a few years ago and it was absolutely horrible. YB has a ton of mental health issues and they are going unaddressed. Nothing I can do.
Feel free to PM me. I'd love to talk to you privately.
SIL happened upon A Place for Mom. We both called.
Well, mom got placed. But WHO had made the placement and who was going to get paid for the referral (both places recommended the same place). With all our good intentions, we ended up screwing things up pretty badly.
Lesson learned. Let one person lead on each task and reach out before making a final call.
See All Answers