My brothers hardly visit dad. One lives close by and the to here quite a distance, we share the visits in the dementia home with mum.
I can't help but feel upset and confused to there lack of visiting dad .
I know it is their choice and I stay out of it . I know if I was there I would want some love and extra care from my children . After all he looked after me for a long time.
It is OK to give them reminders that Dad would enjoy seeing them (until/unless they tell you to stop.) It is OK to have a non-accusatory discussion with them about their reasons. But if they don't want to talk about it, it is not your business. And if they do talk about it and you think their reasons are bogus, it is not your business.
Your Dad (and Mom) need your attention now. Any energy you waste on matters you cannot control is energy you don't have to give to your parents.
You can control your own actions. You are doing things that satisfy you. If you have minor children you can/should control some of their actions. But that is it. You can't control your brothers, and their decisions are not your business.
as far as visitors are concerned ; she has a brother, mother, aunts uncles etc who live in the same town. none of them visit. it took me a long time to get to realize that I am wasting my time wondering why they do not visit their kin.
it's a big pill to swallow.
thanks for your time
Then I looked at their day to day situations. If one works, what kind of hours? Is it a good paying 9-5 job, or a swing shift factory worker? Do they get one or two days off per week to handle all their personal affairs, or are they stuck with a random, shifting schedule (i.e.; like a nurse or retail worker)? For the sib that doesn’t work, why not? Is there illness or disability (whether or not it is obvious)? How does that affect their financial outlook? Could that be an issue? Do they have children or grandchildren they care for on a regular basis? What are their daily responsibilities?
I am not suggesting that we should make excuses for family members, but understanding the big picture makes it a lot easier for me to accept the choices my family makes. In our case, one sib recently lost a husband to cancer; another’s spouse had a double mastectomy 3 weeks ago and is adopting their grandchild. One supports an adult child with autism; two others have serious heart disease and depression. The final sib is caring for her father in law, who has dementia. So, when I have compassion for them, I can accept their limitations in visiting their sister.
It is HARD to feel as though we are it, and if we each stumble without the support of our families our loved ones will suffer for it. I have searched out support on my own, and participate in training programs in caring for my SIL, to increase both my sense of competency as well as building the emotional support system I need to cope. I wish you the best of luck and trust that you will find the right path to cope with your family with compassion and love.
1. He never visited our parents much even before my father died.
2. His visits always engendered some kind of argument, emotional trauma, teasing, complaining and anger.
3. He lies to everyone and exaggerates how much he communicates with Mom. of course I know what he's really doing.
4. I would just as soon he doesn't visit my mom at all at this point.
So, I try to arrange everything between myself and my sister like setting up her new house security system; we did not give him the pass code. I miss the camaraderie of our youth, but now realize even that was a dream I wanted to exist. Let it go but keep yourself strong. You will need that strength later.
As long as you and your Mom keep going to visit and it does not become a huge issue, I might say something gently to them, then drop it; and just live with the knowledge that you did everything you could for both Mom and Dad and you are blessed for having done so.
God Bless You Chrissie
firstly as far as not visiting your love one in a home because you find it just 'too' difficult. well I hate to remind you people that this is ''' not''' about how you feel but how about your loved one feels who is stuck in a home with no visitors.
secondly: just out of utter respect for your kin who is in a nursing home you should visit them how dare you not visit your own flesh and blood; and then make up phoney excuses for not visiting.
thirdly how dare the absent family member leave all the burden of v isiting and taking care of their kin in a nursing home. these family member also have a life outside of the nursing home and would probably love to have someone share the visiting of their kin.
I have been going through this problem for 10 years now; and I have heard all the answers.
years ago people visited friends in the hospitals and homes. but now we seem to have all the excuses 'not ' to visit.
I honestly thing the main reason people don't visit loved ones in homes is that we now have televisions and computers to occupy our time and we don't need to go outside to visit loved ones anymore.
When my father was in a nursing home for 1.5 years, I drove out there once a month (11 hours each way) to go and visit him and make sure that my parents were doing okay. My niece, who lived in the same town, and was raised by my parents, didn't visit once. She wouldn't drive my mother there to see my dad so the only time my father received visitors was when I went out there or a sibling went out every six months or so. He would beg me to get all the paperwork done so that he could go home to die. It was very hard but I went anyway. I am no saint, I just saw how much he appreciated seeing people and getting outside that I felt it would be good for him. I eventually got him home.
I called them once a week to check on them. I don't understand why any of my siblings don't call and talk to mom. I no longer update them. If they ask, via text, I reply "why don't you call her and ask her how she is doing, I'm sure she would appreciate hearing from you". It hasn't worked yet.
This is one of the reasons why I wanted mom near me when she goes into assisted living/memory care, because I know I WILL visit her and make sure that her needs are met.
One brother told me "just call me when mom dies, I don't need any updates". Sad people.