My step mom and sister grab my dad to move him or care for him without first asking or letting him know. He is in pain but fully aware and can talk. So not only are they being disrespectful of his own physical control but it causes him sudden pain he isn’t prepared for. They also are constantly rushing him when they want to be done with moving him. Every time he is transferred he blacks out or has a mini seizure so we have to wait to make the next move so he can be ready to participate with the transfer but they just want to rush it to be done with it. They are also starting to talk about him like he isn't sitting right there he will be sitting there and they are always speaking to each other about him. To me these basic respect behaviors are obvious but they seem to not realize what they are doing is not being kind or respectful.
Does anyone know of a simple list or guide about these common respect concepts for someone dying and requiring physical assistance. He doesn't say anything because he is dependent on them and doesn't want to cause an issue. I am really struggling watching this. My dad always asks for me because I'm the only one who doesn't hurt him but I can't be there at the moment. They won't listen to me I think because they are hurt he prefers my care and company. Help! Just need to give them some information so they will stop unintentionally hurting my dad!
I hate to say it but your mom is the one "in charge" she is the one that is making decisions at this time.
Do you have Hospice that is coming in and helping? If not you might want to suggest that.
With Hospice a Nurse will come each week.
A CNA will come 2 to 3 times a week to help with a bath or shower and changing bedding and ordering supplies.
All the medications and supplies will be delivered to you so mom does not have to run out to get those items.
You can make this suggestion but other than that there is not much you can do.
Other than...
Be there with dad, try to help him as much as you can. Be kind and gentle to yourself as well as to him.
Another issue that has come up is my dad tells me is feelings on things such as he doesn't want the hospice nurse to come so often. He complains to me about it and I tell my sister and today she said to me that she thinks he's fine with it and if he isn't he can tell her he isn't. My dad doesn't tell them things because he doesn't want to make a fuss about it. But since he will tell me, I try and share his true wishes but she refuses to hear it from me and is forcing him to tell her when that's not what he is comfortable with. I believe the issue is coming from resentment of my and dad and I being closer. She has never cared to know my dad better so it is just how it is. Challenging.
I am afraid that sitting them down may come across as being too judgmental of care they are trying to render and may come off as criticism. No matter how gently you put things they can get taken wrong in a time of stress. It is a GOOD thing that there's so many of you there and trying for your Dad.
You know your family members better than we do. If there is someone who you feel could receive you openly to have a discussion, then gently remind them that you understand how hard this care is, and how rushed, but that your dad is still fully there, and it's important to include him, explain to him, address him.
I sure wish you luck. This is going to be real touchy, I would guess. Simply do the best you can with gentleness. Don't "fight" anyone or "argue" with them as that'll just raise frustration levels.
Blessings on your for your being so very caring of your dad at this time.
My mom's really jumpy, when she was in ER once, a nurse scared her. So I said something to the nurse that she doesn't hear well, but reads lips really good. Even that little jolt the nurse did made me really annoyed, so I can't even imagine what you are going through.
Can you talk to the aids by yourself, like meet them at the car. Explain to them and maybe they can explain it to your family, and would come out better from them?
Rather than a list of do & don'ts..
'I like to do it this way' or 'I find this is the most gentle way'. 💗
If you don’t feel like they will graciously accept your input, then I wouldn’t bother to say anything to them.
They don’t sound like they are very approachable. You say that your stepmom and sister are jealous of your relationship with your dad, so I doubt that you have ever been able to have a close relationship with them which is sad for everyone involved.
Some people take offense with everything that is said to them. Plus, if they are prideful, they wouldn’t dare own up to anything that they are confronted about.
You know the truth from seeing it for yourself and speaking with your dad.
All you can do at this point, is look out for your father’s best interests as best as you can.
If you feel comfortable addressing this situation with your father’s hospice staff, then do so. Hopefully, they will inform you of anything that you need to know of immediate concern regarding his care.
Your father is blessed to have you in his life. Wishing you peace.