My dad is 95, legally blind in a wheel chair and lives in assisted living. My mother had dementia and I helped take care of her at their home for years until her falling became a big problem, they moved into a facility. He was in assisted living and she full care, when she passed he moved in a house beside us, at that time he said he would get a Lifeline necklace and a housekeeper but he would not do it, so I hired a house keeper, checked on him several times a day and he did get Friendship Meals. Several years ago he said he could not see well enough to live alone so he moved into the same facility. I really tried to talk him out of it, thought we were doing fine but he insisted, he was walking with a walker at that time. He also always has a dog. Two months later it closed and by this time he was in a wheelchair so we found another facility that would take dogs. He has long term care insurance and it was very hard to get them to pay when he moved back, moved again and again! He did not like this place so we moved him again, we have moved him 8 times, trying to make him happy, several times just to a different room in the same facility. He has been mad ever since the first place closed, of course does not like this place either.
He has fallen 3 times since January and they have had to pick him up, he cannot see to run the microwave or adjust the thermostat! He will not ask them for help, I will go in and he will have the heat on and it will be 90 degrees outside! He gripes about everything from the food, the other people, the housekeeping, the administrator, etc. I just don’t comment. My sister is almost 80 and lives 2 hours away and is dealing with her husband’s health problems. My husband works 7 days a week but helps when he can, my son takes care of his two rental houses. He called him today (he just pushes a button on his phone and says who he wants to call cannot see to dial even with his magnifier). He wants him to move him to one of the rentals which is 10 miles away from us. I visit at least 5 times a week, drive in early every Sunday and bring him back here for church, take him to his appointments, take the dog 20 miles to the a veterinarian! He is pretty sharp but has been somewhat forgetful lately, has forgotten appointments when I get there and other little things. First the house would need a major remodel, ramps, shower, try to make it safe. I’ve been battling this for years, I am tired, not sure what to do? I know he would not be there long before he would realize he could not do it, afraid he would not hire help after he got there. I am afraid it would be really hard to get the insurance to start paying again and it would be dangerous for him! He does use his walker when I take him somewhere but I am always worried he will fall! He cannot have PT because he has two hip replacements that have worn out. Surgery is not an option and his bones will crack when he is just sitting so he is to walk as little as possible. He also has an aortic abdominal aneurysm they are watching. I hate that he is not happy and I do not know what to do, any advice would be appreciated! Sorry this is so long!
What you are dealing with is loss of executive function, he doesn't know that he doesn't know. The beginning of dementia is so tricky, they seem okay, but then they have these hair brained ideas that they are the only ones that can't see what a bad idea it is. Oy vey!
I would recommend that you start letting the facility do what they are paid for. Of course he wants you, but that doesn't obligate you to do it. You get to decide what you will or won't do. He will never be happy in the way that he wants to be. Unfortunately those days are gone forever.
I would tell him that he will lose his insurance if he moves to a private house, therapeutic lie, maybe. I would also be very clear that you will not prop him up, no more rides, no help at all. Sometimes you have to get tough and back away so they can see just what their realities are. Dementia changes the ability to have a sensible conversation, you are now the adult in the relationship and that means you have to say no and stick to it, no matter where he goes with his insanity.
I would tell him that he needs to do everything he can to find contentment where he is and stop trying to get some place that is not safe for him, everytime he brings it up, no, not gonna happen, find a way to be content where you are. You may have to remove yourself from the situation for a while.
No guilt, he has had a good long life, he is safe, fed, cared for. What more could he really expect from life at this point?
Take care of you and enjoy your retirement some, you matter!
Then the hardest part is to "Harden your heart" or do tough love. Not easy at all. He will be unhappy, you will be unhappy.
The only alternative is to have him at home with 24 hour caregiver if you have th financial resources to do so. Then he
will have 1:1 care. My general experience is that generally it is difficult to find consistent caregiver. Then you trade the headache of having him unhappy I AL with that of filling in whenever caregivers can't/don't show up and on and on, as an employer.
All the best to you as you figure this journey out.
Judy in Washington. Registered Nurse.
Judy In Wsh
Hopefully you made some headway at the appointment Wednesday - if not, MORE pressure on doc to get additional testing, with a specialist.
"When he sees the doctor he uses his walker, he stands up straighter and walks better while he is there, he cannot even stand without hanging on to something and cannot go very far before he has to sit down, always in a wheel chair or scooter when he is at home. He smiles and jokes with him acts very sharp! ... When he is at church he talks to people acts like he knows who they are instead of telling them he cannot see their faces, he is too proud to ask. He always asks me who that was, he is a really good faker!!"
This has a name... it is called 'show-timing' and is often a sign of early dementia. People in the early stages can often muster up enough to "seem" normal. Doctors and others who do not see them all the time or for long enough often cannot see through the charade.
"He thinks he can do everything himself, that’s the problem! He claims they do nothing for him, that is why he needs to live alone. ... he said he had people he could call, always has an answer! I am just leaving from now on, or turning the radio on if we are in the car, there is no reasoning with him."
Thinking he is fine, independent and the short term memory losses, also signs of early dementia. The silly test the doctor office does WON'T identify issues that he has. He needs an in-depth test, so they can really assess him. Our mother had plans to move to AL if/when the time came. HOWEVER, once dementia set in, that plan was out the window. She was ADAMANT she was fine, independent and could cook. None of that was true. She refused to move anywhere, especially AL. She refused to let aides in. None of her self images were true. She self-isolated and only ate frozen dinners and boxed crap. Complains about the place she is in now (MC.) Nothing to do here. Doesn't participate in many activities. Mostly reads magazines, newspaper and sales catalogs!
"...looking for advice on how to best handle him and keep my peace of mind."
Enough advice was given about setting boundaries, etc and you are attempting to distance yourself/ignore his complaints. IF possible, try redirection/refocusing - sometimes we can change their focus onto something else. It doesn't always work - that's when you give lame excuse and leave. It isn't easy, it's painful, but you'll have to do it. You can't reason or argue with dementia. In his mind, he is fine, just like he was years ago! Placate him and keep telling him the move is delayed, but is in the works (lie lie lie!!!) If he calls your son again, son needs to be advised on doing the same - promise the moon, but it will take more time gramps!
Since you have the POAs in place, I assume you handle all the finances, so even if he could contact movers, scooter companies, etc, how would he pay for it? If he has access to finances (bank accts, credit cards, etc.), take them away. If he can't provide payment, no one is going to move him or provide anything like a scooter. Given that it's suspect he has early signs of dementia, someone will have to ensure he doesn't walk out of the facility (or wheel.) Definitely fib about the rental place (actually it isn't lies, as the place needs major work, but tell him it's in the works, it will take time.) Blame delays on the town, say they require occupation permit, and blame it on the companies that provide materials for ramp, bath, etc. Even lie about the doctor saying he won't approve the move!
Hopefully doctor can be reasoned with (mom's previous doc was useless.) Dad should get extensive testing for dementia, as the memory losses and delusional ideas are signs of dementia. If the testing indicates this, you'll have to line up a move, but to MC rather than a home alone! Hopefully the facility he is in has MC care as well.
If doc is no help, you can find a specialist yourself. The nurse who came for the CNA company did the extensive test.
Best of luck!
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-05-11/scooter-rider-monash-freeway-stopped-by-police/11104106
Someone commented that he could not hire someone to help him but he could, he has a big magnifier to read and write checks with, insists on paying his own bills. Sometimes he makes the checks out wrong, one time he lost his payment to the facility and I had to stop payment on that check and write another one! He will not let me take over, I have tried! I can understand that he is hanging on to this last bit of independence. I bought a journal and I started documenting everything off the wall he is saying and doing and my reactions and thoughts. I am hoping this will help me be more patient and could help with his care in the future. Thank you!