My dad is 95, legally blind in a wheel chair and lives in assisted living. My mother had dementia and I helped take care of her at their home for years until her falling became a big problem, they moved into a facility. He was in assisted living and she full care, when she passed he moved in a house beside us, at that time he said he would get a Lifeline necklace and a housekeeper but he would not do it, so I hired a house keeper, checked on him several times a day and he did get Friendship Meals. Several years ago he said he could not see well enough to live alone so he moved into the same facility. I really tried to talk him out of it, thought we were doing fine but he insisted, he was walking with a walker at that time. He also always has a dog. Two months later it closed and by this time he was in a wheelchair so we found another facility that would take dogs. He has long term care insurance and it was very hard to get them to pay when he moved back, moved again and again! He did not like this place so we moved him again, we have moved him 8 times, trying to make him happy, several times just to a different room in the same facility. He has been mad ever since the first place closed, of course does not like this place either.
He has fallen 3 times since January and they have had to pick him up, he cannot see to run the microwave or adjust the thermostat! He will not ask them for help, I will go in and he will have the heat on and it will be 90 degrees outside! He gripes about everything from the food, the other people, the housekeeping, the administrator, etc. I just don’t comment. My sister is almost 80 and lives 2 hours away and is dealing with her husband’s health problems. My husband works 7 days a week but helps when he can, my son takes care of his two rental houses. He called him today (he just pushes a button on his phone and says who he wants to call cannot see to dial even with his magnifier). He wants him to move him to one of the rentals which is 10 miles away from us. I visit at least 5 times a week, drive in early every Sunday and bring him back here for church, take him to his appointments, take the dog 20 miles to the a veterinarian! He is pretty sharp but has been somewhat forgetful lately, has forgotten appointments when I get there and other little things. First the house would need a major remodel, ramps, shower, try to make it safe. I’ve been battling this for years, I am tired, not sure what to do? I know he would not be there long before he would realize he could not do it, afraid he would not hire help after he got there. I am afraid it would be really hard to get the insurance to start paying again and it would be dangerous for him! He does use his walker when I take him somewhere but I am always worried he will fall! He cannot have PT because he has two hip replacements that have worn out. Surgery is not an option and his bones will crack when he is just sitting so he is to walk as little as possible. He also has an aortic abdominal aneurysm they are watching. I hate that he is not happy and I do not know what to do, any advice would be appreciated! Sorry this is so long!
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-05-11/scooter-rider-monash-freeway-stopped-by-police/11104106
Someone commented that he could not hire someone to help him but he could, he has a big magnifier to read and write checks with, insists on paying his own bills. Sometimes he makes the checks out wrong, one time he lost his payment to the facility and I had to stop payment on that check and write another one! He will not let me take over, I have tried! I can understand that he is hanging on to this last bit of independence. I bought a journal and I started documenting everything off the wall he is saying and doing and my reactions and thoughts. I am hoping this will help me be more patient and could help with his care in the future. Thank you!
Best of luck!
Hopefully you made some headway at the appointment Wednesday - if not, MORE pressure on doc to get additional testing, with a specialist.
"When he sees the doctor he uses his walker, he stands up straighter and walks better while he is there, he cannot even stand without hanging on to something and cannot go very far before he has to sit down, always in a wheel chair or scooter when he is at home. He smiles and jokes with him acts very sharp! ... When he is at church he talks to people acts like he knows who they are instead of telling them he cannot see their faces, he is too proud to ask. He always asks me who that was, he is a really good faker!!"
This has a name... it is called 'show-timing' and is often a sign of early dementia. People in the early stages can often muster up enough to "seem" normal. Doctors and others who do not see them all the time or for long enough often cannot see through the charade.
"He thinks he can do everything himself, that’s the problem! He claims they do nothing for him, that is why he needs to live alone. ... he said he had people he could call, always has an answer! I am just leaving from now on, or turning the radio on if we are in the car, there is no reasoning with him."
Thinking he is fine, independent and the short term memory losses, also signs of early dementia. The silly test the doctor office does WON'T identify issues that he has. He needs an in-depth test, so they can really assess him. Our mother had plans to move to AL if/when the time came. HOWEVER, once dementia set in, that plan was out the window. She was ADAMANT she was fine, independent and could cook. None of that was true. She refused to move anywhere, especially AL. She refused to let aides in. None of her self images were true. She self-isolated and only ate frozen dinners and boxed crap. Complains about the place she is in now (MC.) Nothing to do here. Doesn't participate in many activities. Mostly reads magazines, newspaper and sales catalogs!
"...looking for advice on how to best handle him and keep my peace of mind."
Enough advice was given about setting boundaries, etc and you are attempting to distance yourself/ignore his complaints. IF possible, try redirection/refocusing - sometimes we can change their focus onto something else. It doesn't always work - that's when you give lame excuse and leave. It isn't easy, it's painful, but you'll have to do it. You can't reason or argue with dementia. In his mind, he is fine, just like he was years ago! Placate him and keep telling him the move is delayed, but is in the works (lie lie lie!!!) If he calls your son again, son needs to be advised on doing the same - promise the moon, but it will take more time gramps!
Since you have the POAs in place, I assume you handle all the finances, so even if he could contact movers, scooter companies, etc, how would he pay for it? If he has access to finances (bank accts, credit cards, etc.), take them away. If he can't provide payment, no one is going to move him or provide anything like a scooter. Given that it's suspect he has early signs of dementia, someone will have to ensure he doesn't walk out of the facility (or wheel.) Definitely fib about the rental place (actually it isn't lies, as the place needs major work, but tell him it's in the works, it will take time.) Blame delays on the town, say they require occupation permit, and blame it on the companies that provide materials for ramp, bath, etc. Even lie about the doctor saying he won't approve the move!
Hopefully doctor can be reasoned with (mom's previous doc was useless.) Dad should get extensive testing for dementia, as the memory losses and delusional ideas are signs of dementia. If the testing indicates this, you'll have to line up a move, but to MC rather than a home alone! Hopefully the facility he is in has MC care as well.
If doc is no help, you can find a specialist yourself. The nurse who came for the CNA company did the extensive test.
Then the hardest part is to "Harden your heart" or do tough love. Not easy at all. He will be unhappy, you will be unhappy.
The only alternative is to have him at home with 24 hour caregiver if you have th financial resources to do so. Then he
will have 1:1 care. My general experience is that generally it is difficult to find consistent caregiver. Then you trade the headache of having him unhappy I AL with that of filling in whenever caregivers can't/don't show up and on and on, as an employer.
All the best to you as you figure this journey out.
Judy in Washington. Registered Nurse.
Judy In Wsh
What you are dealing with is loss of executive function, he doesn't know that he doesn't know. The beginning of dementia is so tricky, they seem okay, but then they have these hair brained ideas that they are the only ones that can't see what a bad idea it is. Oy vey!
I would recommend that you start letting the facility do what they are paid for. Of course he wants you, but that doesn't obligate you to do it. You get to decide what you will or won't do. He will never be happy in the way that he wants to be. Unfortunately those days are gone forever.
I would tell him that he will lose his insurance if he moves to a private house, therapeutic lie, maybe. I would also be very clear that you will not prop him up, no more rides, no help at all. Sometimes you have to get tough and back away so they can see just what their realities are. Dementia changes the ability to have a sensible conversation, you are now the adult in the relationship and that means you have to say no and stick to it, no matter where he goes with his insanity.
I would tell him that he needs to do everything he can to find contentment where he is and stop trying to get some place that is not safe for him, everytime he brings it up, no, not gonna happen, find a way to be content where you are. You may have to remove yourself from the situation for a while.
No guilt, he has had a good long life, he is safe, fed, cared for. What more could he really expect from life at this point?
Take care of you and enjoy your retirement some, you matter!
What can you do about it? Even if you moved heaven and earth, and moved him from one facility to another for the rest of his life, it still wouldn't work. It will not make him less dependent on others for his freedom of action, which is the heart of the matter.
But you don't have to fight, argue, contradict or in anyway gainsay him. Go for "masterly inactivity" - keep the discussion going, do nothing, but meanwhile just highlight any positives and pros about his staying put.
And, if you like, do keep looking. You never know what perfect facility *might* show up.
Nancy
Thank you, I do take breaks, love to travel went to the beach in August and leaving on another trip at the end of this month. It is just frustrating that he will not stop and I could not do this if he were not living there. I have just got to learn to live with it and realize it is not going away! He has forgotten that when he got this insurance he told me he got this because he did not want to be a burden to me when he was old. Ha! Ha!
Another thing that really bothers me is when he and mother were my age they went to Arizona every winter, did it for 15 years and had a great time! He often says he would still be going if he could see. He actually has had a wonderful retirement but is always saying that this sure wasn’t the way he planned on spending his retirement! I would not want to be gone that long but it is sad that he is only thinking of himself. I would think this selfishness was just a part of aging but I have met so many other people living in these places who are still considerate of others and just appreciate everyone and have a great time. My mother would be so mad at him, even with dementia she was always so sweet and appreciative! He is not changing so I am the one who needs to handle it differently.
I would say there are very few 95 year olds, who CAN see, that are able to safely live on their own.
I strongly suggest NO action. Do not move him anymore. Not to another room, certainly not to a house. If he insists, just tell him nicely that he can do as he wished, but you are not going to help because you do not think it is in his best interest. If he can coordinate it all, which is highly doubtful, but fine, go ahead.
You are already doing a lot for him in AL. If he were to live in a house, he would not be independent at all. That sounds like a big mistake to me.
Good luck!
WOULould his own doctor support his living alone?
#1 Just love him. Love & empathy that getting old is tough.
#2 Laugh. You want to... what?? Pull the other one Dad!
#3 Moan with him. I'd really like a big palace with a moat & a yacht.
#4 Be even sillier. I'm planning a round the world trip in my yacht - come with me!
#5 Let the guilt get to you & feel responsible for all his unhappiness.
Actually please don't choose #5.
Seriously, he sounds like a lovely old guy that just doesn’t want to be old. I'd be asking in depth questions about what moving home would *feel* like to him. What would be there he hasn't got now, what stops his current abode feeling like home etc. Home is a feeling to me, not bricks & mortar. It's feeling comfortable at the end of the day, my old slippers, the worn out throw rug, my own coffee cup.
How could he change his current place to feel more like his home?
1 - Round the clock home health aides that are for your dad in his own place - a smallish condo is my thinking on that.
2 - Assisted living that progresses to full care as his abilities diminish.
In either case, please talk with his doctor about your concerns. Dad may need adjustment on his medications to prevent falls, strengthen bones, deal with depression/grieving (the anger issues in men are usually depression), and maybe meds for Alzheimer's disease which work for a time.
Talk with your family with dad present to discuss a long term plan of care. Please get powers of attorney (medical, financial, living will) as well as will taken care of while dad is still mentally competent to deal with these. There are specialists in geriatric care - think senior home health agencies or senior residential facilities - that have social workers, counsellors and advanced practice nurses that you can hire to help with questions that come up at your family meeting.
You are in a state of denial by wishing that he would just realize his good fortune, make the best of things and be happy. Not gonna happen. Once we get over that and come to the full realization that nothing we wish will change their attitude the sooner we will have peace of mind. Realize: he won’t be happy, not your job to make it so, he will always want to move, he will always complain. That said, stop visiting so often. If you keeled over tomorrow he’d have to make the best of it so just pretend that’s happened and live your life.p and go less often. My dad railed at me, cussed etc. when I moved him to the NH, but too bad...I finally took a two month break from him just to get my mental health back, I can’t change my dad's health and neither can you change your dad's.
Be clear to all that no matter what malarkey Dad might tell them, your words are the truth.
The next day, mail them all a notarized letter that repeats your words. Send it via registered mail + signature required + return receipt.
Then - of course - do not sign Dad out of the care home. Do not.
If Dad wants to leave, he alone must jump through the admin hoops.
The end.
Stick to your guns.
Let Dad complain to high heavens when you visit him. After a certain age, griping is the only bandwidth a lot of oldsters have. Or choose to have. [ahem]
Or don’t let Dad complain to high heavens when you visit him. When the convo starts taking a predictable turn, grab your keys and say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. And I cannot subject myself to any more of your negativity. I’ll come back when you are in a better frame of mind.” And walk out the door.
Walk. Out. The. Door.
You set the rules. You set the tone. Dad can take it or leave it.
Also - visiting 5x/week plus church shuttle plus vet taxi is excessive. You are giving Dad the explicit message that his life is more important than yours. And voila - the old goat is running with it.
Did you spend your entire adulthood seeing your parents 5x/week? Or is this the “poor papa” guilt train going off the rails?
I am in no way saying that you should turn your back on Dad. But it’s time for you to spearhead a reset. Pronto.
Do you know what I need to do to take my mother out of assisted living and move her into my home? (I have medical power of attorney.)
Thanks
Setting aside the hurtful words he used toward you, he's not going anywhere unless you and/or your sister help him, right???
He's going to hire a moving company. Really? How's he going to get the name and phone number of movers? Real moving companies have contracts and they schedule appointments to draw up estimates on the size of the job. What I'm asking is he really capable of executing a move himself? Doubtful.
He needs a bigger scooter. How's he going to make that happen? The amount of paperwork associated with a scooter is enormous, especially if he wants Medicare to pay for it. Again, is he really capable of getting another scooter himself?? Again, doubtful.
You are feeding his delusions by giving him rational responses to irrational statements/demands. Next time stick to your guns and L-E-A-V-E. Then, go downstairs to the AL director's office, tell him/her about his delusions, and ask to be notified if he tries to enlist the staff for help.
"His behavior is not normal, there has to be a diagnosis for this" Yes, and it's called delusional disorder. Delusions are firmly held beliefs in things that are not real - including him and Maxine moving - and also occur in the mid-to-late stages of Alzheimer's. Who is this doctor who feels he will pass the memory test? Maybe get a second opinion??
If he wishes to do this,that is on HIM. If a grandson wishes to help him in doing this, then that is on the GRANDSON, and the GRANDSON is the person who should be called for any problems; that should be made clear to the grandson at this point, immediately, by his own parent.
You, to be frank, should be withdrawing from any discussion of this whatsoever, including with the doctor. The doctor is correct. If your Dad is able to pass tests there is absolutely nothing he can do about your father's decision, but there are things YOU can do. That thing is to withdraw from this at once. Anything else is endangering your father, any contribution to this move, as YOU yourself describe your father, is participating, co-ing him in his own injury. Your sister should understand this as well.
The other thing that nobody is really saying is, for goodness sake, it's time for you to stop everything and take care of you. In fact, your kids should stop the madness and take care of you too! I am shocked you are still going strong. You really should talk to a counselor or join a caregiver support group. I know you love your father, but it is time to love yourself more. And show your kids by example what boundaries and happiness looks like! I pray you find your inner peace and get some rest soon. You've gone above and beyond!!