I have recently discovered that my dad has been connecting with people on Facebook including fake Facebook accounts. He had 1700 friends and some of these have been asking for money. We tried to tell him that there are scammers, but he says he’s not stupid, however I have since discovered that he is sending money to some of these people including one Filipina woman he has been having an emotional affair with for nearly 2 years. How did I discover? I purchased his relatively new iPad for my son as he purchased another tablet and when I went to restore factory settings, I found multiple messages pop up one after the other. I felt sick! She has been asking for money from him to buy watches, pay for internet, have her teeth fixed etc. My mother is 89 and has been suspicious for some time, but he tries to tell her she’s crazy. We have warned him several times about scammers, but he says he's not stupid. He tells this woman he is going to marry her! The texts to each other are disgusting and I can’t believe he is treating my mother this way. He is emotionally abusive towards my mum and has threatened her multiple times. I have begged my mother to come and live with me, but she refuses to and said she doesn’t want to give up everything so he can go off with another woman. She is worried about our inheritance, but I just want my mum to live her last years happy. My brother and sister are too scared to confront my dad because of what he may do, yet I have to stand by and watch whilst he messages this woman from 6am to midnight every single day having cyber sex and continually telling her that he loves her and they will be married one day.
I get it - he is old, lonely and concerned that he may be alone one day (he is 8 years younger than my mum), but I feel sick at the thought of how he is treating my mother. He has taken her landline from her and left her with a mobile phone she simply struggles to operate. Her licence has just been revoked due to an accident she has recently had and he goes off every day and leaves my mum at home so he can talk to this woman. He is gaslighting my mum making her feel that she is going nutty and suspicious for no reason. He hates having visitors because it interrupts his talk time with his lover (I read this recently) and he complains that we never visit but every time we do, he’s on Facebook and messenger and says it’s very important he responds to all his 1700 friends. He has taken photos of my house and send them to this woman and says that everything he owns she will own one day. I really don’t care about the inheritance. I would simply prefer he just let my mum be and took everything but I also don’t want that because my mum would be absolutely devastated. I apologise for the long message, but I simply don’t know what to do or who to turn to anymore. I have thought about confronting him, but unsure if I should just let it be. I created a fake account (I know it’s bad, but was desperate) and contacted this woman pretending to be a man, in the hope I could trap her. She constantly messages me now so clearly she is doing it to several people. She has about 4 Facebook accounts that she uses. Please help.
And that was the end of the story. But these women STILL texted him continuously, until my sister got so angry she smashed his phone to smithereens.
I don't know how on earth you can 'delete your father's FB accounts' w/o him going absolutely ballistic and disowning you. This is a serious addiction he has and God knows what it will take to stop him. If you change his passwords, all hell will break loose. You can't force him to go to the doctor for a dementia evaluation either, that's unrealistic.
All you CAN do is keep working on your mother to salt money away in her name only so when it's time for divorce, she's not left with zero funds. She needs to speak to a lawyer about what her next move should be. Her husband is unfaithful and she needs to look out for HERSELF now, especially in her old age. Keep at her about that.
I'd also let daddy know the GIG IS UP, and you're onto him, and so is mom. It's not okay that he's cheating on his wife and sending money to other women. Embarrass him something fierce. If there are repercussions, who cares? Look what HE is doing to the family w/o worrying about repercussions!
Good luck!
What about: print off, say, five screen shots of the pages you found, set them down in front of him (think Line of Duty interview style) and saying simply "explain, please."
Try not to be judgemental or accusatory. Do more listening than talking. Think about what he says before you respond. And meanwhile, be thinking as well about what has changed in his life to take him away from healthier pursuits and make this cesspool so attractive to him.
So, you need to protect Mom financially. You should get their assets split so Mom doesn't end up with nothing. She may need to leave him. She is entitled to half of everything. Sorry, it may devastate her but do you want to find out he has spent everything on this women and maybe even lose their home. Better to be devastated now with some money or be devastated later with nothing.
Consult a lawyer.
Also go through and report the fake accounts to Facebook.
So sorry you are going through all this. The threat of physical force makes it even worse but here's my own two cents for what it is worth:
Long exhale needed on your part. It is usually impossible to save those who don't wish (or know that they need to be) be saved. The relationship between your parents is............ between your parents, no matter how difficult it is to watch and hear. As you state your Mom is "old generation English". Many of them just "stuck it out" in what we now consider "bad" relationships and suffered. That type of thing does happen in the younger generations but it is becoming more rare as women have made gains in education, careers and self esteem. Your Mom is not willing to leave him and I personally don't see this happening. She wants him to "behave" like a loving husband but if he has no medical diagnosis of a psychological or emotional, I truly believe the chances of that happening are slim to none.
Glad you have DPOA but other than listening to your Mom's complaints there may not be much you can do at this point. You might consider investing in a good eldercare attorney to see if there are any steps that can be taken legally to protect your Mom's assets. (see the attorney by yourself or with your brother). Again... you can't make her leave and you can't make her press charges against your Dad.
I wish you good luck on this rough journey. Please keep us updated and accept our Hugs
im afraid you are right.
I had a friend who fell hard for a guy she met on FB. Cute, huh? The 'guy' didn't even EXIST. It was a stock photo of some dude--and the scammers were targeting women who were kind of desperate for ANY male attention. And she sent him thousands of dollars, too.
Even when my friend finally figured out (by flying to CYPRUS!) to 'meet' this guy---and she found him and found out he was really a 22 yo kid and his buddies---she still maintained she was 'in love'. She said "What do you think people will think when I walk into church with the love of my life?" I answered that they'd all think she'd gone and adopted a son. (She's in her mid-50's).
He obviously wasn't leaving his cronies in Cyprus and coming to the states to live with a woman who was older than his mother.
FB---I call it 'FakeBook' b/c all you put up there is your best of best--or worst of worst, there's nothing in between, really. And our elders really can get upset by it.
My MIL routinely sends out SOS's when she needs something, not realizing that the family is not 'on' FB all day and night.
Your dad is being used, no doubt, and I truly don't know how to get him to stop it. Maybe by confrontation and explaining that things are NOT real in FB land.
He probably just feels young and desired---when the truth is far from that. It's hard to get old and feel disconnected to our spouses, who are, in turn, not that attracted to US either. But seeking attention elsewhere isn't kind, nor appropriate.
Good Luck. Hopefully you can shake some sense into him.
If your mother will not address this, and your father is competent, be clear in your mind that there is absolutely nothing to be done about it whatsoever. You can try various things such as getting in and putting a block on her account. If he is savvy computer wise he will get round that soon enough. You can also email her that you are prosecuting her for elder abuse, but as she's in another country that's unlikely. She can be reported to facebook. She will simply make another account. As I said, given your father is the man he is, there is really nothing you can do if your Mother will not.
Although she insists she doesn't want to leave him, I would work on her every chance you get. You say he takes off during the day, to have privacy for his chats - can you take her out, show her a good time? Convince her to come stay for a few days, for a break?
It is fairly clear, after reading through everything, that he has cowed ALL of you. I also would be concerned about her safety, because emotional abuse IS insidious - it builds up over time, making one believe they are the problem and even if they do eventually see it, others don't believe them because they can't see the bruises. Been there myself!
Work on getting her confidence. You did once, but she buckled. Encourage her setting up an account, preferably at a different bank, in her name only and start siphoning off money, a little here a little there. She already suspects his dalliances, so just sell this as assurance that she won't be left destitute if he does take off. Tell her it doesn't have to be in your name as well, just hers. This is for HER benefit, so all is not lost if he keeps giving money away. She needs to know that she won't be left with nothing. Perhaps her backing off was him feeding her garbage about you wanting to keep it all for yourself, just like he promises this witch that she'll have everything! I WOULD show those messages to your mother, in the process of trying to convince her to protect some assets for herself!
Sadly if he notices the "drain", there may be hell to pay. All the other "tricks" likely won't work, such as changing passwords, blocking people, etc. There are ways around all that. If he were a bit less competent, cutting off internet would be the way to go, but that isn't likely to work.
If she won't listen to you, perhaps you can find an attorney who can work some magic. Sit with one or more and explain the situation to them. If you can find the right one, someone you think might resonate with mom, and has good people skills, they may be able to then explain how it is best that she look out for herself. Take her there, but let her be alone with the attorney. See how it goes. She's not getting any younger and will need money to help provide her care as she ages more.
If nothing will convince her, just be understanding and supportive. Maintain good contact with her, so that if you notice any regression in behavior or signs of physical abuse, you can get her out! Until she can make that break, it's about all you can do.
I have decided I am just going to speak with him and say the gig is up! We know what’s going on and should he wish to continue speaking with this woman it is his choice, but if he doesn’t stop, we will speak with my mum and he will need separate everything and leave mum alone and we will take care of her. Enough is enough. At least my mum will then have the choice as to what to do.