I took care of my father for over 10 years while my brother and his wealthy wife traveled the world in luxury. I paid for every restaurant lunch and dinner, with the exception of like two times, probably on my birthday. Recently my brother, who now lives close by, bought my father $300 in groceries. He forgot some items and my father asked me to go out and get them, at a cost of about $80. I am not in the same situation as my brother, particularly right now. I kind of hesitated and my father looked me up and down with this look of "what kind of disgusting person doesn't have $80 to buy groceries for his elderly father?".
Yesterday I told him my work is consuming all my time, which is true, and he says "Well, your brother is the only one with time that can help me." That is so insulting to me! It's like he's trying to play me against my brother. Am I imagining this? I am ready to leave right after the holidays. I don't care if I leave with just the clothes on my back. This just feels so abusive to me and I want out! Am I overblowing this?
PS. I just found out that my brother's wife has cut him off from large spending and has given him a long list of daily chores. So now my father will have to make plans to have a paid caregiver tend to him if I leave. This will be good for him. I now feel like the position of parent and child has been reversed!
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caregiver-treated-this-way-am-i-wrong-476855.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/issue-with-brother-update-relationship-over-473809.htm?orderby=recent&page=2
Lisatrevor your posts are always looking for validation of some sort. There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but we only get 1 side of the story so it's not objective validation. But maybe that's really what you want.
The overarching answer to all your posts is to move out and move on. This is called a boundary. Have you ever talked to a therapist about co-dependent relationships? It might be helpful. Plus you'll get a truly objective opinion of your situation.
You appear, quite consistently, not to get the subtleties of social relationships.
You brother invited your father to dinner. Having you show up at brother's would be awkward, as you were not invited to dinner. Thus the "hint" not to show up at brother's.
There is much you seem to miss about the social "big picture". Perhaps you should consider working with a therapist who can help facilitate the development of your social skills and "savvy".
I have never been diagnosed of anything but all my life I do not do well in social situations. It seems others can't get things out of a relationship with me that they can with others. This started when I was started middle school. I was part of the "in", cool kids. That's ok because I learned that works in my favor in a number of ways. I have one good friend but we haven't spoken in a long time because they are having major issues with their family. I am more of a decent person than most people. For example, since I moved here there have been so many problems in my neighborhood. A lot of people are simply disrespectful of others (noise, unbehaved dogs, dishonesty, etc.).
You and your brother have had problems from the beginning. The family dynamics are what they are, what I suspect they always will be. If you don't like it, your idea of moving away, whether figuratively or literally--the idea you always mention--still sounds good to me.
Sorry to be rude, as far as other reading this go, but suggest reading the history of lisa, the father and the brother; it's a long one.
You have done enough, time to leave the drama behind.
Based on your other posts it didnt sounded like you were taking care of him for 10 years that was all your brother.
I bet you are regretting not supporting brother when he wanted to move him into a facility right about now.
The lack of communication in your family is sad. But not uncommon with a dynamic like your family has. You need to sit down and have a talk with dad. Tell him you cant afford to buy him groceries and whatever else is on your mind.
Now that husband's wife has finally stopped the nonsemse of buying dad whatever he wants maybe real change can happen. It's not going to be easy but it can be done.
Good luck to you.
I forgot to add that I did all my father's house chores over those 10 years and gave up most of my precious vacation time to make sure he was not alone. It was never a burden, I did it gladly, but the way I'm treated now makes me feel like I wasted so many years. The good news is still do have a fairly long future ahead.
THAT was your first big mistake.
NOT moving away like you claimed you would do months ago is your second big mistake. Why didn't you do that?
Leaving would take me away from my father's remaining years. He took care of me and my brother as children and did so at great sacrifice. He wasn't perfect but overall he was and is still a great father. It's a tough decision. At least I have a little bit of nature here where I can go safely for walks. If it were a totally urban environment I would have left by now.
Give her credit and acknowledgment for acknowledging this now instead of harping on her for what she said before.
Look at past posts. He/she is not a caregiver.
This is a bored person looking for attention. This isn't the place for that.
A therapist's office or a support group like group therapy is.
That was their job, to raise you to become an independent individual.
Your job is to live a successful life, not hang about and wait for gratitude.
LIsa, move on and leave your dad to your brother. Stop competing with your brother to be "the best".
Many adults, especially women, present with the sort of profile you do and are in fact on the Autism spectrum. The diagnostic criteria have changed over the years and there is increasing recognition that ASD in girls looks different from ASD in boys.
You should read this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-Marriage-Asperger/dp/1439189749?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=7226f65d-458c-4ab9-8f5f-778d5f302170
But thank you for listening and your opinion. I believe the internet is overwhelmingly a benefit to mankind; it's people who abuse others on it are the problem.