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I live 1100 miles away. My wife and I plan our vacation around visiting and checking on them every three months. I do not have POA. They are in their 80’s. I have taken FMLA from my job to try and get this squared. Father refused to go back to doctor and get mom medical care. Unfortunately DHR had to get involved. Mom ended up having pneumonia and UTI even though we had people coming in 3 to 4 hours a day 5 days a week. They are is a safe place now but now have to go through the process of getting guardianship. I am 62 myself and traveling back and fourth is getting very tiring and expensive. I know putting them in a nursing facility is the best thing but I am feeling very guilty about this

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This was inevitable and guilt isn't appropriate because guilt requires causation out of malice.
You didn't cause this. And you can't fix this.
And that last is important.
Should you accept guardianship then no court of law will EVER allow you to resign it. It is taking full responsibility and judges don't let you out of it even if you are ill.

This is a huge mistake. Please don't do it. Let social workers know:
1. You are not responsible.
2. Do to age, illness and a lack of skills you cannot BE responsible.
3. That you refuse to take guardianship or POA
4. That should guardianship be required it must be done by the state.
The state will then appoint a Fiduciary through the courts to manage placement and care and to manage assets. You will have nothing to say about this and they will do it their way, according to how they feel the assets may best last to end of life.

I am sorry. I must be blunt here. You are not qualified or well enough to take this on. Wishes are about as useful as fishes in this instance. This is about the hard bite of reality. It is going to hurt all involved. And the only thing you can conceivably do here is to save yourself and hope for the best for your parents.
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Glockhart Oct 30, 2025
Thank you I will discuss the implications of this. I am in pretty good health. I do love and care about my parents but don’t want to spend my remaining years chasing them. I did try to get a POA and planning in place for years. The only thing they would agree to was a life estate for the small house and property they have.
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Seeing to it that they have a safe place to live with appropriate care is a kindness, not something to feel guilt about. If you neglected to act at all and didn’t care about their plight, that might be cause for guilt, this isn’t, just the opposite. This is dealing with the inevitable consequences of aging. Be sad it can’t be better, but know you’re doing your best. They are blessed to have you looking out for them
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Glockhart,

Thanks for the time to make the update.

I hope you get some peace and rest and some good family time with your wife and daughters and can get back to work.

As one who was ghosted by a family member it is a painful situation to be in.
Please be gentle with yourself and focus on self care for yourself.

I am so sorry for the family greed you encountered. I believe there is evil in this world. You fought a valiant fight.

Maybe take a bit of a break...3-6 months and then send a light letter to your Dad and Mom as Sam suggested below. Maybe send a periodic letter every 6 months or so. Keep it light and short.

The cousin may fade away. Who knows.
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Update from when this was happening. I did everything that was asked of me by the courts and got them to safe places. My cousin suggested that my father could live with them. I trusted her . living 1100 miles away I let this happen because I thought it best and he could visit mom in nursing home. I was made the monster. After about 4 months I let my daughter rent the house from me. My cousin is co guardian and filed for misuse of funds. My father said he no longer wanted me as guardian. So during the hearing that ruled I did none of this I said I would resign and the judge allowed it. Cousin thought that Dad had a life estate and filed to have daughter removed so she could move two of her daughters in with Dad. When I showed I had owned the property for 40 years they were outraged and the shit show started. The garbage they feed my parents about me and my family has it so they will never speak with me again. As stated be very careful trying to help your parents and trusting others because this has been very hard on my family. As some stated I did not create this discease but I caught with the consequences of trying to help
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Fawnby Mar 24, 2026
I hope your experience will help others not to make the same mistakes. You aren't the only one to have something like this happen!

You are the victim in this story. Your victimization had its beginning long ago in the past when your parents didn't make plans for their eventual care needs. So many parents do not want to assign POA, but it's in their best interest to choose someone when they are reasonably healthy. That way they get to choose who it is and not be at the mercy of some wackadoodle relative or the court system.

Glockhart, who's your POA? And other people, get a POA! And those who are thinking of caregiving a relative, never ever do it without being their POA!
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I’m sorry for your hurt in this. It’s truly sad how frequently families are torn apart due to selfish motives when dealing with elders
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Thank you for the update. I bet you loved being able to say that you owned the house your parents had been living in. I would have loved to see her face. Your cousin cannot personally profit off your parents. As guardian she must report to the court every dime she spends on them.
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