My father will not stop ringing my phone and hanging up...

Question

My father will not stop ringing my phone and hanging up...

Follow

Share

My dad has been in a nursing home for several weeks now and has developed a weird compulsion to call my phone repetitively throughout the day and night. We are talking about 30 calls or more within the hour. On the occasion that he does say something when I answer, he says he doesn’t know why he’s doing this. I asked if he thinks the phone was a remote control. He does not. I have bought him several fidget toys like pop-it’s and he ignores all of that. I hated to do it, but I’ve blocked his number so I can get a few hours of sleep. This man was a manipulative narcissist all of his life. I wonder if that’s what this is. I’m not going to visit him today because frankly, I’m pissed. I’m definitely going to call the facility to ask that they give him a sleep aid.

Burnout Skilled Nursing Facility

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

17 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Does dad have any kind of dementia? My mother who has Alzheimer's used to call people repeatedly forgetting that she had already called them. Eventually she forgot how to use the phone.

In your dad's case, does he call anyone else repeatedly? Does he use the phone to make proper calls? Perhaps it's time to take the phone away if he does not use it properly.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

He calls others, just not repeatedly. He just pushes his redial button and naturally I’m the last person he talked to. He thinks it’s a multipurpose item-sometimes it’s a nurses call button, a remote control or a way to order candy.

(1)

Report

In my dad's worst times of dementia he would call and call and CALL! This is when he still lived at home. I finally had to turn the wringer off sometimes when it got so bad. He spent some time in skilled nursing last year and they were able to calm him down a bit by adjusting his meds so the calls slowed down. What you need to remember is that he is being taken care of in the nursing facility. If he needs something, they will get it for him. You need to set somee boundaries by turning off the phone when you need to.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Last night, I called the nurses station to check on him bc I could tell he was trying to use his phone as a remote or a call button. So she went to check on him and he told the nurse he was trying to get m&ms. Thank goodness they got him some.

(2)

Report

Change your phone number and don't give it to your father. Make sure the nursing home has it so they can reach you if they need to. Then you call your father only once a day and talk to him. Or every other day, or whatever call schedule you will be comfortable with.
If your father hasn't been in the nursing home for long, he could still be getting acclimated to his new living situation. All the calls could be because he doesn't understand why he's in a nursing home and it's a strange place to him. So he's calling you continually because you're what he remembers is familiar to him.
He needs time to acclimate to his new environment. Once he does the constant calls will slow down. Having sleeping medication prescribed is a good idea. Another good idea would be to speak personally with the activities director of the facility and find out if they're making any attempt to engage him in any of the social activities they may have going on.
Believe me when I tell you that a nursing home will tell a family they're always trying to engage residents and get them to take part in social activities. That's not usually true. What they actually do is ask if they want to join in and then walk away if they say no.
Elderly people can often be like children. Sometimes with kids you have to coax and be insistent to get them to do something even if they want to do it. The same with elderly people. Only in a nursing home they don't have enough staff where they can use the aides to coax and conjole a resident into joining in. The aides have actual work to do.
So it comes down to family to do it. Next time you go visit your father, go when there is a scheduled activity going on. Then attend it with him. This might get him comfortable enough to join in if he has someone with him. You might have to do this a couple of times with him. Try it.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Does he really need a phone? Are there other people he calls? If its just you, lose the phone. Make sure the DON is aware of it so they don't go looking for it. My daughter says in the facilities she has worked, a report needs to be written up and they must look for the phone. Only to find a family member took it away.

The facility staff will make you aware of any emergencies. The staff should not be calling you for every little thing. I always stopped at the nurses desk and ask how Mom was doing before I went in to see her. You should have a Care meeting every 90 days, in my State anyway.

If Dad is calling ur cell, then block him. I have my phone set to "Do Not Disturb" with only my contacts ringing thru. All others go to VM. I really don't see why u need to change ur phone #. That will cause so many problems.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

Either take away his phone, or just leave his number blocked on yours and tell the nursing facility to call you if they need to for any reason. Hopefully that will do the trick. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

This is unacceptable - either keep the phone off the hook and respond to voice mail and messages or get an entirely new private phone number and do not give it to him. And stay away before he destroys you. If he was/is a narcissist, walk away or do your thing at a distance and keep away from him.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

I’m not walking away from my dad! That’s really not right. You can love a narcissist or bipolar person. Are you saying that he doesn’t deserve that? Are you some kind of android without a heart?

(0)

Report

Block him or turn his alerts off and tell the staff to call you when needed.

This is ridiculous. My mom used to do the same although not quite as severe.
If she left a message and it was urgent only then would i call her back.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I think you're being too hard on him.
Nusing Homes are the Pitts! They are an awful place to live in!
There could be many reasons he's calling, to get help because Nursing Homes are understaffed and a patient can wait up to 45 minutes just to get help to go to the bathroom and who can wait that long?
So, you have to lay in your urine and or feeces til they decide to answer the call button.
If it makes him feel good let him call. Just put your phone on silent during the night so you can sleep and if he says something about you not answering, tell him you were sleeping.
Let him know that you will call him once a day and do it.
It gets lonely in those places, write down several phone numbers for him of other family members and friends that wouldn't mind talking to him.

Try to line up visits once a day. If you can't drop by, see if you can get others to commit to give you days off.
If he has the money, hire a Sitter an hr or two to go in his room to visit and ir play games or take him for a walk or wheelchair ride in the facility.

Mat each he could meet a friend.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

I guess I was lucky. My Mom was never treated that way. All the residents had clean clothes and never smelled. All seemed as happy under the circumstances.

(5)

Report

See 5 more replies

Your dad has been asked to adapt to a new nursing home environment in “several weeks” and “doesn’t know” why he’s compulsively calling. Could he have developed OCD in response and needs psychiatric evaluation?

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I hope not! He’s been bipolar and borderline throughout his life.

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

Your phone number is in his long-term memory. If he's calling you, he may be calling others whose numbers he remembers. We found out this is what my MIL was doing when her old friend called my husband to tell let him know she was calling her a lot and at inappropriate times (this woman lived in Hawaii and MIL is in MN -- so many time zones away). We had to get her address book and erase the numbers out of her book, which broke my heart but short of removing her phone, we didn't have any other solutions. Now MIL only answers her phone and no longer calls us unless she asks the aid to call for her. So, you're dad's behavior won't last forever.

It's such a hard place to be when your dad can't really help his behavior but you are justified in being annoyed by it. I wish you success in finding a solution that satisfies you.

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

What I found with my mother and a few of my clients who have done this (I am a psychotherapist), is that they gained some comfort from the sound of my voice and were calling my machine for that sole purpose. With my clients I set specific limits. With my mother who has always been demanding but isn't capable of honoring any sort of boundaries (now because of dementia,) I had a separate number that she can call and I check it once a day.. She has people there so I know if there's any sort of problem I will be alerted to that on my regular number but this way she got to hear my voice and be comforted in some way and I didn't have 40 calls coming in every hour. I hope that helps.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Great idea, a separate number for Mom to hear your voice; I was thinking that answering machines used to have a way to set up who would hear your message, I think; seems voicemail might be that way, too, like 'Press One for Daughter' sort of thing. But the separate line/number is brilliant...just check it often, even answer if it's convenient. Turn Ringer OFF when you don't want to be disturbed; it's not a sin! Just remember to Turn it back ON when you are available to talk.

(2)

Report

See 1 more reply

Blocking will frustrate him and maybe scare and agitate him more. Instead of blocking him, which he won't understand, just turn your ringer off. If its your house phone, turn the ringer off and the answering machine volume down. As Zoebyrd said, your Dad may just want to hear the comfort of your voice. A sleep aid may help, but be sure it's mild so as to keep any side effects down.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

What NH is this? Many NHs you have to have the line connected and activated in the room the senior is in or no phone, unless this is a cell phone

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

It’s a cell phone.

(0)

Report

He's not doing it to be malicious. If he's got dementia, sometimes they do not know what they're doing. Believe me, I went through this with my mother. She had all these beautiful little light up village houses on her living room table. One day I went over and it looked like a complete mess with all of the bulbs removed and all the cords tangled up. I said, "Mother, what happened to your little houses?" And she replied, "I don't know what you're talking about...I didn't do that!" And then my dad said he watched her do it while he was watching TV but didn't say anything to her...they're in a fog and have no idea what they're doing. My mother used to "root" around for stuff too but she didn't know what she was looking for. She passed in April and I miss her terribly. Hold your daddy's hand. It won't be long...

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Is this a cell phone or landline phone he’s using? My FIL had a Jitterbug phone and had the numbers to family programmed in. Sometimes he would go thru a phase where he did that same thing. All hours of the day/night. His days/nights were turned around and he would go down the line pushing the buttons for each one in the memory bank. He couldn’t understand that it wasn’t just bringing up names but actually dialing. We finally had the AL help us with a little therapeutic fib and tell him that they had a new rule that they needed to be turned in at night after medications so they could go on the chargers to be re-charged. Fortunately/unfortunately he had been very random about charging it and several times thought it was “Worthless because it kept dying”. He just wasn’t remembering to charge it. That stopped the late night calls. And miraculously “fixed” the worthless phone that kept dying for no reason. 😅

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

AlyssaMcManus: Imho, blocking his phone number is not the answer, unfortunately. Instead, ask the DON if he can be visited by a physician to get to the root of the matter. Also, perhaps you could speak to the DON in regard to the protocol of the NH patients having phone privileges/time of day/etc.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Definitely did this. Now they quietly take the phone at 8pm, when they remember to. He actually thinks his phone is a remote control and nurse call button.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Can you switch phone out to an inactivated one ?
Then he can dial away and it will not go anywhere?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

My father will not stop ringing my phone and hanging up...

17 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions