My fiancé and I are 39, and most of our aging parents are driving us bonkers when they visit us from MN in Colorado. Any suggestions?

I think you have to meet loved ones where they are.

Look, I'm about to be 70, and my memory ain't what it used to be. My daughter just said to me on the phone "I haven't had my coffee yet" and I thought to myself "but you don't drink coffee", except I guess she does.

If dad asks an off the wall question, how about "why do you ask?" as a suitable response.

I agree with Barb. Since no one knows why they're asking what appears to be odd questions, just try to acknowledge that the whys aren't really important. It's only for a few weeks.

I'm finding that electronic communication has made me less of a communicator in some ways. Almost always, electronic communication is about removing the fluff and getting to the point (don't waste time!) Oral conversations encouraged whimsy, tangential thoughts and even absurdity. Be patient and just go with the flow.

You'll know the difference with dementia. It's more of a same exact question being asked three times within 4 minutes type
that occurs many times a day.

The below link is Tam Cummings talking about the different stages. Stage 4 is where non-spouse family members typically see dementia impact. It might reassure you with the worry about your loved ones.
https://youtu.be/tansVVDM0fE

Here was I thinking how lucky you are that they all live so far away and only VISIT. I sometimes jokingly (half seriously) suggest the best place for families is 1,000 miles away. There is so much less tendency to take over their lives, to enable their poor decision making on when to move to some type of assistive living, and etc.

So we are down to visits. I wouldn't take seriously much that I have heard from you above. I think such questions pretty innocent. But if a question feels at all invasive I would consistently answer "I would need to think on that a bit! I will get back to you". It is really the best and most honest answer for such things as "When will you start having grandbabies for us" and so on. They will soon get to recognize that they just asked one of "those questions". The ones that won't be answered.

I think you may be putting a little too much thought into these visits. Too much worry. I think that if your Dad forgetting whether you take coffee, tea or milk is one of MANY things he seems to be forgetting while staying with you, you could be looking at some beginnings of change. But we do get "forgetful" and especially with any anxiety of travel at a certain age. I am 80. I guarantee it.

Be grateful that they still want to "connect" with you and be grateful that they live many states away and only come to visit once in a while. Surely you can put up with them for a short visit right?
And even if neither parent has any mental decline you can still meet them where they're at and just make the best/most out of your time together, because some day they won't be here anymore and you may just end up wishing for one more day with them.

Its hard to answer without knowing the background - how long you have been with your fiancé, how much each of you normally see and interact with your parents. Sometimes it's hard to establish a new adult relationship with our parents, especially if either party is still hung up on the old parent child dynamic. I suggest that you approach them as you would any older unrelated couple, putting aside any expectations of what they should know or remember, say, or do.

I have a different take on what might be going on with your folks. They're your parents but they also fall under the general category of house guests. In my opinion, inviting overnight guests into one's home requires a certain amount of forethought and preparation to make them feel comfortable. And I don't mean the thread count on your sheets. I mean things like if your mom likes fresh flowers, have some on the dresser or nightstand. A newspaper and magazines to flip through while making chit-chat over coffee and breakfast. Put out snacks and fresh fruits you know they like. Have a cutting board at the ready. Put a box of tissues and a roll of paper towels within reach. Such things go a long way to make a guest feel at ease. And remember that your parents are also trying to respect your fiance's house and v.v.

Nelson, maybe you may want to objectively think about what YOU bring to the table, in terms of opening up a topic of conversation. Especially since you stated that your dad is a "conversationalist" - how about bringing up your own interesting topics to discuss!

You said that "they're trying to connect with you" - so give them some credit for that ...and, how about making it easier for them and YOU open up a discussion...just maybe, they'll follow YOUR lead! It sounds like they may be bored by you.

There is a decline in aging. My DH likes any thing chocolate except...pudding and icecream. What did his Mom serve for dessert when we went for dinner? Choc. Pudding. She had 3 sons and he lived with her the longest. You'd think at 60 she would have had their likes and dislikes down. Have a vegan in the family. I have to think before ask about anything to do with food.

I'm sure they don't mean to be annoying, but perhaps they feel that the only way they can interact with you is to drag information out of you bit by bit.

What is quality time to you? It may be way different from what it would be to them.

Ask them about their lives, comment about their activities and how you might be interested in them. Mention that you miss this or that or whatever about the old neighborhood where you grew up, ask if they keep in touch with so-and-so. Let the conversation grow from YOUR interest in THEM.

It's simply a matter of being good conversationalists, and that seems to be an art that too many have forgotten. There are plenty of tips online if you want to brush up on your skills, but the first thing is usually to focus on THEM, not on yourselves.

I know people who cannot catch a breath for half an hour while marching out every last cute action of every grandchild, or their gardening, or (the worst) their golf game the other day. I actually started to go to sleep when Rude Aunt was nattering on and on for 45 minutes about civic matters in a town I don't live near and with people I've never met and have no idea who they are. Needless to say, I try to spend minimal time with such bores.

Quality time to me is exchanging ideas and original thoughts, and it needs to be participation on all sides with all making an effort.

Since you're both much younger, go visit them instead. They need to feel welcome in your home not like an 'annoying' guest

We all age unless of course we die young. Aging brings many changes. Retirement changes you. I wish my 89 yr old mom with Lewy Body Dementia could have any meaningful conversation with me. I wish she could ask me what coffee beans I grind now. I wish she could go on trips with me like we used to. I long for the days I thought she was prying into my personal life. Compassion. Enjoy your parents while you have them. PS. They probably would prefer you visit them. My daughter comes to me {72yrs young} and stays 5 days. I am glad when she leaves! Too noisy, too much action.

Are they visiting at your invitation or just whenever they want to? Have them stay at a motel so at least they are not constantly underfoot and asking questions. If you are inciting them to visit, you should pay for the motel. If they are showing up uninvited, they should pay for a motel themselves.

When my parents came to visit me, my mother would scrub my clean house to the point where she rubbed all the numbers off the oven knob. For years I had no idea what temperature I was cooking food at.

She would organize my kitchen pantry foods in size order. Which had nothing to do with common sense, so cake flour was next to boxed potatoes, etc bc it looked pretty to the eye. Bedlam to deal with, but hey, OCD you don't argue with.

Mom dug up ADT Security stickers in my junk drawer and adhered them to windows so high up that had no stair access bc "burglars were lurking" everywhere. 20 years later I still can't scrape them off bc I think she used super glue for extra hold.

If my folks were "driving me bonkers" asking if I liked coffee, I'd have kissed the ground and sang Hallelujah. Speaking of coffee, mom had to drink hers SO HOT, she'd put it in the microwave after it brewed, for 2 minutes, so it was literally boiling. One day her cockatiel flew into her coffee cup and burned all the skin off of her leg. Dad had to give her shots of antibiotics daily for 2 weeks to save her life. 🙄

It could be worse. Be glad the phenomenon is not happening often and you still have an oven kno with temperature settings on it! 😁

Poor bird! I'm guilty of nuking my coffee only because refrigerated creamer makes it cold.

So sorry you feel their questions are an annoyance. I miss those questions daily, even dad asking for a glass of water knowing perfectly well he could of gotten it himself.
I am so glad my son has invited me to cruise with him in a few weeks. Both of us have said how excited we are for the chance to spend some time a lone together. Both of us have spouses we love dearly and both are supportive of this trip without them. FYI-no he was not a only child.

I so understand this situation. My Mom made the honor roll many times of motor mouth, foot-in-mouth and non-comedic monologue when she came to visit me. She also rearranged my kitchen, cleaned my refrigerator, went through things and sometimes asked before tossing items.

My sister loved my Mom's visits because she would have a list of things for my Mom to do, like clean the oven, rearrange the kid's play wall, go through old clothes, do laundry, clean the kitchen shelves, pull the weeds in the garden, etc. Then my Mom would state how my sister just needed her and how she was doing a service for her and not getting any thanks.

I found my Mom's visits intrusive and irritating. My house was organized the way I wanted it and I valued everything in it. I did not make a list of things for my Mom to do because in my mind, there wasn't anything I wanted her to do, other than just enjoy the scenery (she came (with advance notice) and I did not suggest that she come). Many decades later, I finally had the self confidence to tell her that she was an awful guest. She and I had a heated discussion.

My Mom came to visit, because she wanted to be needed and wanted something to do with a change of scenery. She wanted to talk to someone. I told her that she needed to go visit my sister more often as my sister truly needed her. I'm an introvert and happy to just be.

So, I'm thinking, that is what is going on with your parents. They want to be needed, they want a change of scenery aka adventure, and they want to have conversation.

If this is it, I would suggest the following:
1. If they drive, put out brochures or arrange for ideas for them to do during the day. Encourage them to go out and do stuff. Take a drive in the mountains. Then you and they would have something to "discuss".
2. If they don't drive, arrange for them to do something during the day. If you live in the metro area, maybe they can take the light rail and visit things. Zoo and Botanical Gardens or a walk in an enclosed mall, come to mind.
3. Arrange with them ahead of time, of how long of a visit they will have. Maybe they stay at a motel/hotel for part or most of the time, while they are with you for dinner.
4. If they have hobbies, have material at your house that is connected to their hobbies, just so that they can be occupied and you can have some time to yourself. Warning: they could get through the activity much faster than you planned.
5. Check in with the local senior center, library, etc. and see if there are any "events" that they can attend. If you belong to a church, see if there is a volunteer opportunity that they can be involved in while they are at your house.

I'm sorry. The situation really sucks.

To this very day, I still do not miss those endless, pointless conversations and the intrusiveness of my Mom's visits....and she is now in a Memory Care unit. In many ways, I don't know how I survived those times of my life.

My sister sees it differently.

Ask they stay in a hotel when they come to visit. Plan an itinerary for them to tour the state and minimize time with you. Relax, be happy they love you and want to visit, just try to be cool.

Do not visit anymore.

When it comes to communications, it's a different world out there. Both sig-other and I are both in our mid-70's. It's been about 3 years since sig-other's grown daughter [45] and her two teen girls were here for a visit.

We use to enjoy their visits, having the grand-daughters here was so much fun. Lot of chit-chat going on. Lot of sight-seeing, etc.

But once the grand-daughters became teens and cellphones got into their hands, and their Mom's hands, forgetaboutit. It was like everyone forgot how to talk to each other.

It might help you/your fiance to find out if one or both of your parents have dementia. Ask them to get a general physical. Asking them to get tested for dementia may not sit well - and then again, they might want to know (although I doubt it as dementia means losing independence and brings up fears of the 'what ifs' and 'what is going to happen to me."

That you call this a phenomenon is interesting to me. I interpret this to me that this way of communicating with you is new. And that you do not know how to respond / handle it - (which may be obvious - what you are asking us here...)

Educate yourselves on dementia / various kinds and levels by going to Teepa Snow's website. Or call her office. Lots of information on her website. I studied with her for over 1-1/2 years and printed out ALL KINDS of information she offered through webinars.

You dad may feel uncomfortable for any number of reasons, including that, due to, perhaps the beginning of dementia, he doesn't know (is unable to communicate as he used to be able to do). He might be trying to 'hide' the fact that he is confused OR very aware that his brain is changing and he is embarrassed and frightened).

Impulse Control, or the lack thereof - happens to many of us.
Yes, they may speak without thinking. Could be anxiety, excitement, confusion / brain changes.

Consider if / what medications he / she / they are on and how this may be affecting their communication / behavior.

How you handle it.

1) Stay calm.
2) Don't take their 'impulse' responses 'too' personally. They likely cannot help how they are communicating and know that there are reasons for this shift. Be a listener, first.

3) Try reflective listening ...
"Oh yes, I like coffee, would you like something to drink now? I have xxx"
(this isn't exactly reflective listening ... let me try again)

"I'm tired... its been a long trip."
Response: Oh, you are tired now? what would you like take a rest?"
(this isn't exactly reflective listening either)

"I went into the garden today and found a beautiful rose."
Response: You found a beautiful rose?
(this allows the person to elaborate and / or add to what they already said).

While all these are perhaps useful responses, a 'true' reflective response clearly reflects back their own words.

4) It is always a good rule of thumb that when you do not know how to respond (we all find ourselves there, especially with varying degrees of dementia - and words / thoughts / conversation communications can and DO come out in all kinds of ways ... to respond:
* That is an interesting thought, I'll have to think about it and get back to you... then change the subject.
* I never thought of that. (Stop).
* Yes, I agree.
* I don't know, I'll check into it.

Know that it is MORE THAN OKAY to not have 'ready made' responses to anything they say.

Pauses are okay.
Saying I don't know is okay.

If you want to know more about why they are responding as they are, I believe you need to
1) be a good listener;
2) check on meds (physical/mental health and sleep;
3) see if you / they could be medically evaluated (although - for the record, some people with dementia can 'fool' an MD as they often ask very pointed questions and the person can answer ... even the dementia 'test' - a person can do that.

The key is for you to (also) manage what / how much 'energy' of this nature you can handle. It might be better if they stay in a hotel or Air b n b close by vs in your home. You need to take care of yourselves equally as you want to care / take care of them.

Gena / Touch Matters

I really doubt three out of four of them could possibly have dementia but who knows.

It sounds like they are trying way too hard to have a connection with you and to be in your lives. And it sounds like you really don’t want to be around them for a great lengths of time. It might be better to stop hosting these visits since it sounds like it is stressful for you. Go visit them several times a year for a weekend staying at a motel so you can control the duration of your visit. That might be a way around the situation.

nelsonb23: Perhaps you can say "Why dad, don't you recall that I DO indeed like coffee?" If you believe that some of them may have cognition issues, speculate no further and have them tested.

Remember the time when you were a baby , your pointlessly, dreary babbles talks ? They took care of your when you were helpless, so you can grow up one day to be an independent individual so that you can have a family of your own and be accepted by the society but now they are aging and you sneered at the thought of someday that they might have dementia? Parents ! This is a warning sigh that you should be selfish and save up your money so you have someone who can take care of you when you are old and grey , don’t ever spend any more money on ungrateful kids or children, let them have freedom and not be bothered by you . And all you want is only to see if they are doing ok , my god what has the world been coming down to.Sad….so what if they use silly language, you are their supposedly love ones!!! What happens to LOVE?

Has he only asked once or multiple times. Look for other signs. Start a conversation with open ended questions and listen to the responses. Talk about recent events, those are the one’s forgotten first. Old memories stay longer. Do they talk about long ago or things happening recently. These responses will help determine if it’s possibly dementia or just conversation.

There is apparently no poster involved with this question anymore.
When one tries to look for this account the "kitten page pops up"

The lady is saying stuff about herself that worries her and looking for help. It is scary to see the people you once depended on to begin to weaken. The fact that she is asking says she cares and is concerned. Time for positive suggestions or sympathy.

My Dad was a conversationist. He would repeat story after story. Despite having an abusive childhood my Dad made amends with me and appreciated my relationship
with him.

dad died 1 1/2 years ago and I miss him and our talks.

work out a visit schedule so you and your parents can have a quality life together.

I hope my kids want to spend time with my husband and I when we get older

Let's not forget, back in the older days it was easy to remember this or that, but today there are just way too many distractions that it isn't easy to recall who likes what.

Plus over the years, when it comes to food and drinks, taste do change. We use to be huge pizza eaters, but now that we are older, the pizza menu gets tossed aside. I know that our adult children won't remember that when they come to visit, and want to order a family size pizza.

Some adult children think their parents still have their children's lives at the forefront of their minds. Trust me -- we do not. I couldn't tell you the names of most of my kids' teachers, I don't know where they buy their clothes, and I have no idea which of my kids drink coffee or what they watch on TV.

Out of sight, out of mind. You moved out and got on with your lives, and we did the same. It has nothing to do with my cognitive skills. It has to do with being engaged in other things now.

I’m wondering if your problem is really too many visits. If “3 of 4 are divorced”, so they visit as 8 individuals rather than couples, it could be a lot of visits. If they all choose to visit when your weather is better than theirs, you might get tired of it all. The same type of questions could come up from each of them, and I could certainly get a bit tired of it.