My nana is a narcissist. She gets mad at me when I don't give her money (I have no room to give her 500/week). She spends money recklessly (hundreds of thousands in debt). I immediately get anxiety when I return to the house. When I walk in I feel like I'm doing the walk of shame regardless if I've been to work or out and about. I can't buy anything/food without being harrassed ("it must be nice to be able to afford to go out to eat") but she yells at me for cooking at home. She gets angry very quickly and enjoys telling everyone around us how big of a piece of crap I am. She has thrown me out multiple times for not giving her money. I recently left a toxic job and feel pressured to get a second job on top of my new one to stay out of the house. If she asks me to do something, and I don't drop everything to do it, she goes on rants about how I don't help her and how I don't care about her or that I'm using her and it starts an argument. She has become physical with me but I never hit back. She goes out of her way to belittle me and put me down and enjoys triggering my Borderline PD. When I try to calm down she instigates the situation and refuses to respect my boundaries when I tell her I am triggered and to leave me alone, even if I leave the house. She sends me passive aggressive texts and I have blocked her because it triggers me. I do my best to be respectful but I'm extremely stressed being around her. My therapist encourages me to go no contact but I can't until I move out. I'm trying to build a homestead and be on my own and every day she harrasses me about when I'm leaving. When I don't give her a direct answer (I can't when I don't know for sure, permits take time) she gets angry and starts attacking me verbally. She is extremely impatient and refuses to see any level of reasoning. She gets mad when I don't spend time with her but then gets mad because I'm always around. She got really upset over my recent engagement and said that it's ridiculous that I can afford a wedding (barely, we're paying for it and scraping by to do so) but that I can't give her money. I refuse to give her money because when I first started it was $30/week and turned into my whole paycheck because she would purposely not pay the house bills and would buy things on QVC/HSN and such. When I first bought the property for my house she tried to put me out in a tent on it with no electricity or water. I have a dog and we live in Florida, I can't leave him in a tent, he will die. She used to let my dog out the front door after I told her not to and she finally stopped when he got hit by a car (he lived). I think she did something to my cat too. We fought over her house because she wanted me to cosign for a re-mortgage and I refused, knowing that she is financially irresponsible (she has 2 bankruptcies) and that it would prevent me from ever being able to move out. I've lived with her for 2 years now (I moved back after a toxic relationship ended) and have been focusing on doing what I can to recover emotionally and financially (he was a narc also, put me thousands in debt). I've cleaned up my credit and I'm on the right path but her lack of patience and understanding combined with her constant aggressive behavior has me constantly agitated and on edge. She yells at me for showering and for being there and I am currently showering twice a week and I sleep as much as I can to avoid her. She complains about her bills but I'm purposely barely home, she sits and watches TV and eats all day. There have been points where she has pushed me so far that I am enraged and she has threatens to call the police and have me committed. Her mind games are exhausting me mentally and emotionally. I was so stressed that I had a heart attack at work. I don't know how to cope. She refuses to acknowledge her behavior or accept responsibility for her actions. I'm at my wits end, what do I do? I can't live like this.
1. You mention that your are giving her $30 a week but are unwilling to give her more than that because she has lots of debts that you don't agree with. I understand that but who is paying the actual bills? Is she also paying all of the bills that come with the home you are currently living in for $120 a month? Or are you paying the electricity, mortgage, homeowners insurance, taxes, water/sewer and other associated bills that come with homeownership, along with the $30 a week? All due respect - if you are ONLY paying $30 a week to live in someone else's home and THEY are paying for everything else - I don't mean to put too fine of a point on it but you really aren't being fair to her at all.
2. If you aren't paying to live there (beyond the $30 a week), then you should start taking the additional money you have in your pocket to find yourself somewhere else to live and invest your money in your own place. That way you don't have to answer to your grandmother.
3. Do not sign or refinance anything, if you don't intend to stay there or live there or be responsible for paying the bills in her home - which would also be your home if you co-signed.
4. If you are done with the situation, then the responsibility is on you to remove yourself from the situation. Win-Win. If you aren't there for her to bully, and you don't make yourself available, she can't get access to you.
5. Stop worrying about building your home for now - I would think that your sanity and self preservation would be more valuable at this point than building your future home. Take that money and find yourself an apartment and save your sanity first.
6. You had a HEART ATTACK. At what point are you going to draw a line in the sand?
7. You cannot make her change. The only person you can change is yourself. You can change what you are doing and how you deal with her. And you can get yourself away from her.
The only way to change this situation - is to change this situation.
I hope you get as many jobs as you need to to move out and live the independent live you should be living.
I wish you the best going forward; the choices are difficult, and they belong to you and you alone.
Only you can change your life and fix your living conditions. I suggest you do so. Good luck to you
Does this seem like something your nana would write about you?
Sell the property. Move out. You can’t afford your situation. Financially, emotionally or physically it’s a bust. And your nana needs relief from the stress of having you there for two years. It is the most humane thing for all concerned.
How old are you?
How old is she?
How long have you been there?
What is IN my control is reassessing my dream. Changing the timeline, comprimising. Saying well this is rather s#ite. Oh Well. This is Life. Let's roll with it. Not get flattened down under it.
Camel, I'm sure you know - marriage will be full of ups & downs.
What I am doing is reassessing what is important to me. Having a roof over mine & my families heads. Making our space our home (whatever the size or shape). Having a reasonable commute to work (time & fuel money).
Being able to cook fresh food. We were laughing today that living on pumpkin soup will be ok.. better than cabbage soup. My son said things are not TRULY bad until aliens invade.. 👽😅
Take a long walk or a meal out with your partner & start making a new plan. If keeping the land is killing you, reassess if this is the right time for it. Losing the land will be heartbreaking, but the GAINS of freedom may be tremendous.
Let us know how you get on.
My house is still on the market, equity beginning to diminish. So, I will stay put until the house sells, then find something when I have cash in hand; might even rent until things settle down. Sales have slowed tremendously! Interest rates are climbimg. Just not good timing to sell a home now, so much unpredictability!
Evaluate where you are and your dreams. It was time to adjust mine. I still shop for homes online but haven't looked at any in a couple of months.
Reevaluate what is important. That 6K wedding has increased in cost too. There is nothing wrong with small, private ceremonies if you think that marriage is the right thing for you, right now.
Is this is your property, why is grandma there?
I really don't think you are going to take anyone's advice here, because your therapist has surely gone over the scenario and solutions with you. Surely they had more advice other than to go "no contact." I suspect that they advised similar things to what is being advised here, and just like you are making excuses here, you did the same thing to the therapist.
I have some questions, though, which of course you don't have to answer.
Where is the rest of your family? You said Gma is the only family you have.
You can't afford which meds? Meds for your heart, for your BPD, or what?
Do you have health insurance?
You need to give up on the idea of a trailer on land, because it is causing you to stagnate. I'm sure you are increased risk for another heart attack.
Is this the way you want to live your life? Gma isn't going to fix things, your fiance isn't, your therapist isn't...the only one who can change things is you.
A.1980's mobile has to be very well maintained to even be liveable that is the reason for them not being allowed. They contain asbestos and lead. Some jurisdictions will allow permits for them if HUD inspects them and will label them.