Bill has been a been a good friend for 40 years.
He is the only one of Gary's friends who has made an effort to visit or call since the dementia diagnosis. These two men spoke on the phone every day, visited each other just as often, and shared common hobbies.
Now, Gary doesn't want to see him or talk to Bill, claiming Bill stole some tools, screwed up (unspecified items) and is a no good b*stard.
Should I just ask Bill to stay away, hoping this phase will pass, or should I continue to have Bill come visit?
This is a scary confusing time. Even if you don’t agree with his reasoning, stand by his decision.
There may be a deeper reason that he can’t explain.
If all is well during the actual visit and the visits don’t upset Gary, I would let the visits continue.
I would warn Bill that the dementia is worse, he is welcome but be prepared to leave if Gary gets upset.
My DH aunt, 94 with dementia, will speak
despairingly of someone if their name is mentioned. However if that same person appears you would think it was the greatest gift just to see them.
So, I would take guidance from how he behaves face to face with Bill.
And how it affects you.
It sounds like Bill has been a good friend. It really depends on how much the dementia has progressed.
if he is, and he wants to continue his visits, let him.
I will say, what is likely to come up next from Gary is that you & Bill are having an affair. So expect that and role play in advance how you will deflect & deal with that conversation. Yeah it goes from he’s stealing my tools to he’s stealing my wife. Dementia is such an awful disease.
I spoke with Bill the other day. He is well versed in dealing with Alzheimers/dementia as his lovely MIL suffered from it.
When Bill comes over, he and Gary talk like they've always done. Gary is pleasant and they have good visit. It is usually several hours later when my husband Gary starts in ranting and raving. And then 2 days later he tells me that we need to take Bill and his wife out to eat!!
And its not just Bill he's mad at. Two of his old partners live close by and they will call and ask about Gary. When I tell him they've called, Gary starts in on them!!
Anyway, when I told Bill what was going on, he just laughed and said his MIL did the same thing. So, we left it at Bill will continue to come visit when he can, unless Gary gets really agitated while he's here. I just think Gary needs the contact.
At the very least, Bill deserves to be told what's going on. There's no point in Gary getting riled up or agitated while this is in his head.
It's very possible Gary will mention that Bill hasn't been around recently and you can advise Bill that you'll let him know when there happens to be a good day. It's also possible that Bill is one of those people who can defer him to another conversation, wearing rhino hide, to get Gary on to another subject. It is very difficult to do, but some folks are really good at it.
You and Bill are free to discuss Gary's anxieties and agree possible approaches to relieving them, of course, and you can continue to suggest that Gary might like to call his friend whenever it seems the right time.
Please talk to your husband's doctor about these outbursts. Your husband may benefit from anti-anxiety medication. Your husband will also benefit from redirecting conversations that stray into accusatory language and agitation.
But I do think that Bill should decide because your husband probably won't remember much two days (two hours?) after the visit. Dementia is a nutso disease ... keeping a sense of humor in light of the horrendous things that can be imagined and said by those with the disease is paramount.
Meanwhile, you probably need to have a chat with Bill and explain that your father is in an angry, agitated phase of dementia right now - and that explains the behavior. Bill may choose to stay away until this phase passes.
It certainly must be hard for Bill to watch his friend deteriorate, but if he has the heart to keep visiting in spite Gary it should be his choice. Disregarding Gary's negativity can be a gift Bill can give to his friend.
Has your husband told you not to let him visit?
You could just tell your husband that his friend brought back the tools and you forgot to tell him.
You want to insure that your dad is not unnecessarily negatively emotionally impacted.
Likely, the friend will not know how to interact / communicate with the 'dementia talking,' i.e., if dad says you took my tools . . . friend will likely say "No, I didn't." This is NOT the way to communicate as it sets up an argument based on dementia thinking / brain chemistry 'talking.' And, setting this scenario up will upset your Dad.
It is somewhat common for dementia inflicted people to think those close to them are stealing - or doing something inappropriate. What you want to avoid is trying to convince your dad that he is 'wrong' - this doesn't help because the brain (chemistry has changed) is what is talking.
I'D TRY THIS: You might introduce your Dad to Bill, as someone else - and see how that goes. I don't know if your dad has the wherewithal to know who Bill is. You will need to determine this and how best to approach. Gena