I have many physical limitations which makes me dependent on him for cooking, cleaning and even leaving the house. I do all the "mental" tasks like taking care of all the finances. He has shown that he can be dangerous to himself, me and others when driving, cooking and cleaning. He starts something then leaves and forgets about it. He has flooded our kitchen twice and our bathroom twice. He has burned up pans on the stove. He climbed on a tall ladder, fell and got hurt. I've helped him avert major driving accidents.
You will need support, maybe some legal advice, and actual physical assistance with a move and all the associated issues. If you have a support network in place, enlist them to help you look for a place where the two of you can both have your needs met. They should have a continuum of care for increased needs in the future. Start preparing your husband for the changes ahead. You’ll want someone besides you to reinforce the reality of your situation with him. Begin getting some help immediately with the tasks of daily living, until you are relocated.
If you don’t have a support network of your own, start one. Call your doctor’s office and ask for recommendations for a social worker or health care case manager. You can also contact the Alzheimer’s Association for information about your local services and programs. They have a 24 hour helpline: 1-800-3900. Or look online: https://www.alz.org/help-support/resources/helpline
You can also find support resources and information online through St. John's Dementia Resource Center here: www.dementia@stjohnsliving.org
Wishing you the best in your search.
2. If you already have POA, proceed to make the safe decisions to move into a facility that provides both of your current level of care needs and, will have additional services available such as memory care unit when needed ( or may be needed now for him).
3. As you have described his cognitive status, trying to have repetitive lengthy conversations with him about your needs to relocate will
only increase both of your anxiety levels and to no avail; he is most likely based on what you have described already unable to cognitively process appropriately ( hence unsafe behaviors as you have described). So, you or whoever has POA need to move forward with appropriate relocation decisions ASAP. When you know where you will move into, lovingly share with him the date and time of the move and that it is for for both of your safety and quality of life. Expect resistance, perhaps even anger, guilt tripping, and hopefully not violent lashing out. If he exhibits unsafe behaviors call 911 and have him transported to ER where you can then confer with staff and arrange a care facility for him while you are making the move. Then you can bring him to the new residence when ready
This may all sound somewhat harsh, but remember that YOU are making cognitively appropriate decisions for his and your safety and quality of life. He, by definition of dementia is not going to be able to " cognitively understand" and may infact act out or exhibit non compliance. His illness and most likely his unexpressed grief, fear of the changes and the unknown result in his inability to comprehend, acknowledge needs, and or even remember perhaps what you have said .
Move forward with relocation decisions of your choice ASAP. Enlist help of a case manager, or licensed social worker, or other Elder Law services to find locations that will serve you both .
Doctors definitely need to do a better job of assessing patients. But if they don’t, it’s the other spouse’s responsibility to inform of anything affecting the patient’s health. We shouldn’t be intimidated by our LOs.
Below is a link with suggestions. It of course is addressing someone who is moving in alone but he is blessed if you both move in together. One thing to emphasize is while your individual apartment may be a small area, the whole facility is your home and most have nice public gathering places where you can entertain family and/or friends.
https://www.newcarehomes.com/news/10-ways-to-support-a-loved-one-whos-moving-into-a-care-home/
You’re his wife. You know him better than anyone else. Tell him whatever you think will work in order for him to receive care.
Major transitions are stressful. Be at peace knowing that you are doing the right thing by placing your husband in a facility where he will receive 24/7 care.
Wishing you well during this difficult time of transition in your life.
You failed to mention hoping he would not need to see the NH doc during the weekend.
Their memory can go fast or hang on for sometime. Believe me when I say this because my BIL has had dementia now for over 8yrs now. We had to unplug his stove he only used the microwave to cook his meals or the family brought meals to him when he was living alone in his apartment. He left the stove on and burnt things set off the smoke alarm.
Their brain says they can do anything but its not true. And they will say they don't have a problem. We took my BIL keys away from him too because he would tell us he wasn't driving when he was a neighbor told us that.
For both of you look for a NH that has everything for you because an assisted living place doesn't have the staff to take care of memory care. It would benefit both of you. They have a dining room where you can go and get your food or they can bring it into your room. And most NH can put both of you in the same room even if he has to be in memory care.
Prayers you get it done faster than later.
Driving, no way take the keys away from him.
It is no longer about what he wants, it is about what needs to be done.
His brain is broken, there is no more convincing him, he no longer has a vote.
Sending support your way.
Do your research in advance, though. He needs memory care, not assisted living. He needs to be in a locked facility, and ideally you should have a place in the same facility's assisted living section.
If YOU need the help for yourself and for him then you make the decision to move.
I suggest you take your time and find a place that YOU like and one that will also have Memory Care for the time when you can no longer care for him even with help.
It may even be at that point now where he would be safer in Memory Care. (the "problem" with Assisted Living is that he could still wander out since most AL are not locked or otherwise protected.)
He stops driving today!
It is not safe for you to have him behind the wheel and it is not safe for other residents of your town.
If you have 2 cars take one "to the shop" for repairs.
Get child proof knobs for the stove so that he can not turn it on.
See if you can get someone to put a shutoff valve on the sink in the kitchen so that he can not turn it on.
And he needs supervision at all times in the bathroom. This is for several reasons.
1) to ensure that he is cleaning himself properly after toileting and in the shower as well.
2) Make sure that he is not flushing what should not be flushed.
3) That he is washing his hands
4) That he is brushing teeth and doing other tasks safely and properly.
Next time something happens, call 911. Don’t consult him. Don’t ask him if he wants you to. Don’t announce it. Just do it.
Is he officially diagnosed?
Are you POA for your husband?
Do you have assets to move together into ALF?
I would start with a visit to your doctors office; ask for referral to social worker so that you can discuss this issue thoroughly and find out your options.
You are correct. This is a dangerous situation.
Best of luck to you.
Make plans to move. If he resists, tell him he will be living alone and will need to hire in-home caregivers.
Just set up the move and follow through.