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My husband was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia last year. We had to leave our home and move to Seattle for treatment. We spent a grueling 9 months there. My husband had chemo, radiation and then eventually a stem cell transplant. He had multiple ER visits in the middle of the night and was in the hospital up to two months due to complications. We finally came home in January of this year but he started to have trouble from day 1 when we got home. 6 weeks later after multiple symptoms I’m trying to get him to the ER and he refuses. Finally got his nurse coordinator to get him to go. He had to be scoped from both ends and they found graft vs hosts disease in his colon. So they put him on high doses of steroids. Now at home 6 days


later- he’s trying to do yard work. His transplant team in Seattle told him specifically that he can’t do yard work for a year because his immune system is not developed yet. Anyway he says he won’t listen to the doctors. I’ve been doing the yard work on 5 acres for him but it’s not up to his standards because he’s a perfectionist.


The thing is I can deal with all the stuff his disease has brought on but I can’t deal with his constant resistance to anything that has to do with keeping him well. It’s taking a toll on my health. I told him that I will leave if he doesn’t cooperate with the doctors. I’m fighting for his life and he’s doing everything to undermine that. I’m at my wits' end.

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My DH has diabetes and does nothing to control it. Last night he got up and ate 7 HUGE cinnamon buns. (He'd bought them for me, for Mother's Day--even though I try to avoid stuff like that).

Since he refuses to take care of himself, I refuse to do so either. I shop and cook diabetic friendly meals, and he eats those and then eats a whole nag of chips, or cookies, or ice cream (that I do not buy).

I told him he was on his own, I can't care enough for the both of us. He does know that if he winds up in the hospital one more time for uncontrolled blood sugar, I would refuse to bring him home.

You cannot make a person care, or change.
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This brings back memories of my Dad when he got throat cancer from smoking. My mother had been begging (nagging?) him for years to quit. He didn't.

One time during those years, I remember asking my Dad, "Dad, do you really like smoking?". He answered yes and proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that smoking provided. I never requested him to stop smoking again.

My Dad eventually quit smoking as the throat cancer made it too uncomfortable for him to smoke. Yes, he smoked after the surgery and my Mom went ballistic. She claims it was her reminding him that he still family duties that stopped his smoking. He told me that it was because smoking was too painful.

Similar experience with my brother and diabetes and high blood pressure. He loved to eat and got huge accolades for the food he prepared. He never wanted to be a chef, he just wanted to be appreciated and this was his area of expertise. My Mom nagged him about his weight while he was alive. However, at a meal she prepared, she would also ask "are you sure you had enough to eat?" and "please just finish this little bit" and "what is wrong, did you not like my cooking?". He died when he had multiple health issues that stemmed from being overweight.

So why am I telling you all this? I am trying to say that ultimately he makes the decision whether to do yard work or not. All the nagging and bullying and guilt trips will not make him genuinely stop.

What pleasure does yard work provide him? Relief from boredom? Then see if you can introduce him to something else that would grab his attention. The fact that he can contribute to the working of the household? Then find some chores that you do that you can give to him. Because you don't like to do the yardwork and remind him of it? Then either hire the yardwork out or stop complaining.

Your husband probably in some way, wants to live. However, he wants to live a fulfilled life. Since the yardwork bothers you more than him, you need to help him find out how he can leave a fulfilled life within the restrictions of his illness.

One other thing, when people do not do a task that is up to my expectations, I tend to take the task over (yard work in your husband's case). When he genuinely complains about something not being correct, make sure you address the complaint and take action, or he will start doing the task. Do NOT dismiss the complaints. That is just plain irritating and makes me more determined (stubborn?) to get the task done the way I want it to. I don't want to nag and complain, I just want things done "right" (however "right" is defined and "right" is negotiable). Remember, you only have to keep him out of the yardwork for a year....

These are the curves that life throws at us. How we deal with these curves shapes our future.

I wish you wisdom and strength, as you try to "read" your husband's mind.
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Here's some advice: respect his choices. We all want our loved ones to live forever, but that's not in the cards. It sounds like your husband would rather live for a month doing his beloved yard work than live for a year not! It can be hard to accept because it seems so obvious to you - just stop the yard work for a year and increase the chances of staying alive. But for him, it's not obvious or acceptable at all. For some people, there are worse things than death. If you can come to a place of acceptance, you'll no longer be at your wits' end and can relax and try to enjoy whatever time you have left together - and no one knows how long that is. We should all be more mindful of living today.
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He is tired from all the "treatment". He can get help from a psychologist if he wants to work on "I am giving up". God can help him and give you both peace.
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Sigh..... my stepmom had to deal with this with  my stubborn dad.

Finally she gave up. If he didn't want to get hearing aids, fine, but she no longer repeated anything for him nor did she talk louder.

So....  he didn't want to use a walker. Fine, but when he fell, and couldn't get up, she handed him the phone to call 911 and wait for them to do a lift assist.

He didn't want to wear depends. Fine, but when he soiled himself - she handed him cleaning products for the chair, the floor, had him rinse out his own clothes, and do his own laundry.

he didn't like what she  made.  Fine. But she didn't make anything else so he had to or eat what she made or not eat at all.

He didn't want to give up brandy in the evening even though it increased his fall risk. Fine, then when he fell - she handed him the phone to dial 911 for a lift assist.

When he didn't cooperate with his DR orders she gave up trying to plead, persuade, demand, etc. She let him make his own decisions and have his own consequences.

When a fall resulted in a trip to the ER, she didn't go to the ER with him. And she left him there as long as possible, THEN picked him up to go home.

You can't persuade them, but sometimes they come around if you no longer enable them and no longer argue with them. My dad finally got hearing aids, finally decided to use a walker, finally decided to use depends... but it was his choice after he had to live with consequences.
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carp62 Apr 2022
Gosh I hope this eventually works for me! I have tried this with my husband and it doesn’t work…he’s so stubborn, and I tell him selfish for making things harder for me and I have to start putting my health first!
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Look here. We all don’t follow our doctors recommendations: we eat until obese, we don’t exercise regularly, we drink, we smoke, and so on. We push back when someone tries to nanny us into compliance. I’m sure the man understands his behavior might shorten his lifespan. He is under no obligation to comply.

Do you pig out at Thanksgiving? Obesity kills. Shall we call the counselor because you had gravy with your turkey? Naughty-naughty! Do you watch TV on the couch instead of going for a walk? Naughty-naughty!

Informed and competent adults shall make their own medical decisions even if those decisions are bad. Unless you want a nanny.
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What will you do if an alcoholic refuses to give up drinking? Are you going to "fight for his life"?
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He appears to be having trouble with accepting his current health status and all the restrictions that go with it. I would suggest talking to his doctors so they can help connect you with counselling. He needs to be able to vent his frustrations and find viable alternatives to what he usually does. Counselling can help him - and you - with finding new ways to support his usual interests without endangering him. Counselling can also help you with finding new ways of coping when he becomes difficult.
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Lynn64 Apr 2022
Thanks for your reply. Yes I tried to get him to agree to counseling. He refused. He thinks he is handling things just fine. I have had counseling in the past and will probably do more just to keep my sanity. My husband is the type that never shows emotions and he says he is able to process it whereas I can’t. My feeling is that if you don’t deal with your emotions- it will show up as illness in the body. Obviously, my husband is not processing his emotions as well as he thinks.
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Edit: *fall* faint and ill - don't allow yourself to get ill.
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Lynn64: Perhaps you should speak to his physician(s). Your husband seems to be unable to comprehend the health protocol that is his new doctrine if you will. YOU cannot nor should not continue to take on the stress relating to his health if he refuses to follow the guidelines, else you all faint and ill.
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Honestly, I have taken a backseat and let my husband deal with the consequences of his choices. He lies to the doctors, eats terrible (mostly pizza for the last four months -- seriously!) and instead of water he drinks five 16 oz servings of beverages with high fructose corn syrup. Blech! It is not worth the fight, I just want to live with as much peace as possible. Perhaps you need to reach the place of letting go and letting come what may.
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i have mentioned this in several comments - my dad was stubborn and now my brother is stubborn. you are drained and exhausted bc you feel and rightfully so that he should be helping himself and that would be helping you! it seems they get selfish but sometimes i have learned it's about giving up control - they feel they are adults and want to continue doing what they did before the diagnosis. you will have to find some way to sit down and talk to him - tell him that you understand his need to continue life the way he knew it but at this time he must back off somewhat - what else does he like to do - read, paint, play chess etc. having some one to do the same things he likes helps. if all that doesnt work you need to tell your doctor to put you in the hospital and then maybe your husband will realize he is not only hurting himself but you as well - i'm serious about this..
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All the best to you and your husband. You both are going through a very difficult time! You don't say how old you both are, but due to your husband's health issues, would it make sense to make some changes and simplify your lives? Is it time to think of living in a condo where you'll not have to do heavy yard maintenance? Or do you love your home so much that you want to stay there? Is all of the paperwork in order for you and your husband, including setting up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, living wills with advance medical directives, wills, your bank and credit card company(s) may have their own POA forms, being on file with social security (and medicare or medical plans) to speak on each other's behalf, etc. He's not the first husband not to be taking care of his health. So you have to know how to deal with it so that it's not detrimental to your own health. Seek counseling if needed to learn how to have your own boundaries so that his decisions about himself don't hurt you. It's probably not helpful to lay down an ultimatum and threaten leaving him. I think that's coming from your being exhausted and burnt out. Try to find a more constructive way to deal with his, I call it "masculine optimism and independence" thinking everything is OK with him when it's not. You have been carrying the heavy burden for the past year, plus all of the stresses of the pandemic. You probably need a vacation and breaks from your work as a caregiver. Is he able to function on his own now? Or does he still need a caregiver? Could you bring in help a few hours a day to help with household chores (cleaning, maintenance work...), yardwork, snow removal, etc. Try to work in your schedule some relaxing "you" time. A big hug to you.
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I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my husband and Parkinson's and I have had to make peace with it. My husband refuses any kind of help or treatment. He doesn't want any medication at all, even the most basic. He won't let me take him to better doctors or specialized programs. Even the discomforts that can be solved with a slight change in diet, or the addition of some over the counter medicine or a necessary supplement. Nope. I know he doesn't have to suffer like he suffers. Yes, I ask him why. Yes, I try to understand why he is refusing but his answers make no sense (He's been diagnosed with Parkinson's dementia, so paranoia and delusions are a big contributor here). I'm making some decisions on medications for him because as his MPOA, I have to do the responsible thing and he resents me for it. Here's what I do. I don't frustrate myself anymore with endless loops of trying to attempt to offer solutions. Instead of advising, begging, cajoling, reasoning, insisting -- I try to let him be, respect his choices, and focus on my love. I'm not perfect at it, but that's what I strive for. And if he complains about something, I don't rush in with a solution (that he'll refuse anyway, and so set me up for frustration), but ask "how can I help? do you think something would help?" No one can live someone else's life. Our lives have been entwined, and he's my person, but ultimately his fate is his own.
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My Brother was like that - he listened to me for several months then got sick of me and started smoking again and died a couple months later . A social worker told me “ he wants to make his own choices - let him .” Another social worker said “ It’s about the quality of life he wants to smoke .” So if he wants to garden 🪴 so be it . Very difficult on you of course .
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Lynn, it could just be that your husband is done, not necessarily with life but with all the restrictions that curtail his lifestyle. The steroids could also have him feeling snappy and stubborn.
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Sorry your husband is being so challenging. You need to start putting you first. Take care of yourself. Make sure all his paperwork is in order. I would tell my husband that he I love him but I need to know if he cares about his health/life. You can't care more about his well being than he does. You will have to accept that he is going to be difficult and you will have to let it go. Or you will have to leave him.
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I quite honestly think that someone with this disease should be in charge of his own decisions. UNLESS you are telling me that your husband is no longer competent.
I would sit with him and truly discuss what he wants, how he is feeling. I don't know what his prognosis is at this point; you haven't said. If your husband makes choices to go ahead with gardening I am assuming you are afraid of the weakened immune response and a scratch or cut leading to infection, possible sepsis, and death. I would tell him what you are afraid of. I would ask him if knowing this possibility does he still wish to risk his life in this way. I would tell him you are terribly afraid of losing him, of his not clearly understand all he is risking in this behavior.
You may be surprised at his response. He just may tell you that he feels he will not beat this disease, and he wishes now to do the things he LOVES to do while he can do them. And that this is his decision for his own life.
Don't argue. Don't fight. Just listen. And understand that this is his life.
I was a nurse when, 35 years ago, I got breast cancer. I pretty much did things my way. Not the RIGHT way, but my way. I ditched the two drugs I was to take by mouth. I took the one infusion. I didn't mind the "don't use the right arm for gardening" injunctions. I refused radiation but accepted 5 course of chemo and not the 6th. I thought the "be positive stuff" was total nonsense. And yet here I am 35 years later , what with having had two positive lymph nodes, and mean as ever.
We get to make our own decisions. I feel we should share our feelings with the person who loves us so much; we owe that person that much. But I think you will get farther letting your husband manage his own illness. The truth is that when we get cancer there is SO LITTLE we are in control of anymore, that we sometimes make poor decisions just because we need to feel some sense of control over something.
I wish you the best. This is terribly hard. Get him good gloves and chaps to wear. Garden with him and take joy in the outdoors.I wish you the best.
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PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
Alva, my mil almost had an autologous stem cell treatment and was told not to garden because of tetanus and other soil based organisms. They have to give you childhood vaccinations again.
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Thanks for all the helpful responses and insights. I haven’t been able to talk about a lot of this stuff because no one I know has gone through this kind of experience so I’m grateful for this forum. I also have come to the conclusion that it’s not my job to make my husband well. That’s his responsibility. It’s a lesson I’m still learning and it has been tough at times.

I also have decided to make my health a priority. I already have my own health problems- autoimmune issues triggered by my having to care for my parents back in 2011-2014. Both were failing and lived in Arizona. My dad would not move to Washington so I was flying in every 2 months to help them. I had my own family that I was raising and I missed many holidays, birthdays and almost missed their graduations taking care of them. When my dad agreed to move I had to remodel my house so that it was wheel chair accessible. My mom was a complete invalid and died right before I was to move them. My dad had pulmonary fibrosis and was on oxygen 24/7. My dad lived a year and 3 months with me and died the day before my future daughter-in-law’s bridal shower.

Anyway, my husband’s illness was not my first stint at caregiving. However, after dealing with my parents situation I never wanted to be under that kind of stress again, yet here I am. Definitely my husband’s situation is 100x more stressful than my parents if that’s even possible.

Thank you for all your responses about the steroids. I think my husband was already like that before he took the steroids but certainly the drugs did not help matters.
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I worked with a woman whose husband had a big heart attack in his 40s. After hounding him about this and that he shouldn't be doing, like smoking, she finally told him she was not worrying about him anymore. That if he was not concerned about his own health, then she wasn't going to be either. It was his life.

I have a stubborn one. He has his own way of thinking right or wrong. Hard to change his mind once he is set on something. I have already gotten to the point his life not mine.

Just tell DH that you love him and will support him but if he does not care if he lives or dies then you can't worry about it either.
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TChamp Apr 2022
Totally agree. But assuming the responsibilities that belong to a mentally competent adult you become an enabler, just like in cases of alcoholism or other type of substance abuse.
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I agree with Geaton; steroids will take a kitten & turn him into a tiger, in short order. To say they can make a person aggressive is a gross understatement. I don't know what the 'answer' is to this dilemma, however, b/c I'm sure he NEEDS these steroids as part of his treatment program. And I'm also sure he's quite stubborn about doing the lawn work himself. You are between a rock & a hard place. Call his care team for advice, that's what I'd do.

I disagree with TChamp, as usual, in saying that your husband is not your child. No, he's not, BUT, you gave up the better part of a YEAR of your life to get this man's leukemia into remission through a grueling process for WHAT? For nothing, that's what. If you knew then what you know now, you both could have avoided the entire debacle and stayed home, letting nature take its course. WHY did DH agree to go thru the treatment just to REFUSE the recovery treatment that came with the territory afterward? THAT is the question you need to ask the man, seriously, before your head blows off entirely!

My husband is in need of a liver transplant at the Mayo Clinic in AZ (we live in CO) some time in the near future (we are waiting for The Call to relocate), and have talked extensively about what happens AFTERWARD while his immune system is suppressed. If he is unwilling to do what's required, we wouldn't be going thru the nightmare in the first place. I pray to God he doesn't get a wild hair up his arse afterward and start wanting to do lawn work or something similar himself!

I think if you call the doctor and DH needs to stay on steroids, and his behavior continues to remain the same with him doing yardwork, etc., then your only alternative is to sit back and watch him self destruct. I hate to say that, but what are your other choices? You can leave him, but he'll self destruct even faster if you do that, so that's not a 'solution', just a means to stop watching him self destruct. Or, you stay with him and watch the nightmare unfold. Either way, it's a nightmare for YOU, and I am truly sorry you've been put in such a situation esp after all you've been through to save his life in the first place.

Lastly, I would tell DH you're asking for a hospice evaluation for him since he's dead set on DYING. Since he won't listen to reason and follow his care plan to LIVE, then he might as well have hospice give him comfort care as he goes through his dying days.

Make sure his will is in order, and all the legal ducks are in a row so that you are set up once he passes. Go check yourself into a nice spa for a while and treat yourself to some well deserved pampering; massages, facials, sauna, etc. Get room service every day & binge watch trash TV to unwind. NO news, no documentaries, just 90 Day Fiance & Love After Lockup! :)

Wishing you the best of luck with a terrible situation. Sending you a hug and prayer for peace in the midst of the chaos.
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If ur husband is mentally competent, he has the legal right to refuse treatment. You're not responsible if he in his right mind, refuses to cooperate, He is not your child.
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First off, he NOT you should be fighting for his life. If he doesn't care about his own life then why should you? You have to just make sure that you're taking care of yourself and get your "ducks in a row" in the event that he dies before you. And please remember that often the caregiver is the one to die first from the load of stress that they carry, so please make sure that you're taking care of yourself.
You can't change him, but you can change your response to his nonsensical behavior. Then and only then will you have a chance of him changing his ways.
I wish you the very best.
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Steroids can do that to a person. I had an employee who, when she was first diagnosed with COPD, was put on steroids...yikes did it amplify the worst of her already aggressive personality! We had to keep her away from clients. She couldn't help it. I would discuss this with his medical team to see if anything can be done about it. Hang in there, and bless you for being his advocate. Please make your own health and well-being a priority. See if you can take a break and have a relative or friend come and stay with him.
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I agree with others to have a talk. Non-accusatory and as calmly as you can. Ask him why, what his thoughts are when he attempts things he shouldn't, tell him how it makes you feel when he does risky things.

He must have somewhat of a positive prognosis if they told him he can't do anything for A YEAR--so maybe he needs to be reminded of the prognosis, and that he's working against it by his behaviors. It's a change in perspective, and he might need to change his.

The day a doctor told my husband that he could do little things if he wanted, I wanted to throttle her. She was brand-new to my husband's very complicated case, her first time seeing him, in fact. When we got home, he tried to shove a dresser across carpeting and lift a large flat-screen. He immediately failed miserably at both and ended up in more pain. Neither of those things were "little things" and he wasn't capable of even "little things" without increasing pain and the risk of additional fractures from "innumerable" bone tumors.

They get tired of treatment, tired of being sick, tired of being less than who they once were, and tired of feeling useless.

(A quadriplegic to whom I gave caregiving told me one day: "Some days I just want to turn a wrench." I think we can all appreciate that on some level.)

They don't understand the impact their behaviors have on their caregiving loved ones b/c they are the ones fighting for their lives. I once, rather adamantly, told my husband: "Your cancers don't just affect you!"

My husband wasn't physically able to do anything, but he didn't mentally reach the point of accepting that for a while. E.g.: It was standard procedure that he'd wait until I came around to his side of the vehicle to help him; one icy day, no sooner did I get out and look over---he wasn't in the passenger seat but no where in sight, either. Unbeknownst to me, he'd decided to get out on his own, and the second his foot hit the icy drive, it took him down. I found him lying on the ground and had to scramble on the ice to get him up. He suffered an injury from the fall. He fell quite often, but that one was clearly on him.

I think you'll find he'll come around, especially if something he attempts works against him enough. I know it seems like a lifetime to you already, and it must feel that way for him, and maybe he feels he's had enough--if he can't do basic chores after all the grueling treatments, what's the point?

One day in knee-deep snow I struggled for 20 minutes to move a very heavy, awkward object. As I neared the house, I saw my husband staring at me through a window; rule was he was always supposed to stay on the couch whenever I wasn't near him. When I got inside, I found he'd been crying watching me struggle through the snow. I was having to do all "his jobs"...and it hurt him not just b/c I had to do these things, but also b/c reality dictated that he couldn't do them.

If your husband is anything like mine was--a workhorse--it's very hard for them to accept.
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I guess they resist the doctors to regain a feeling of control of their lives. Saying “No! You can’t make me!” or “The doctors are idiots!” makes them feel better, stronger. I guess it’s common.

My mom refused to follow the doctor’s orders during chemo. What was the offending order? Drink at least this much water/liquid a day. What was the result? Impacted bowels, a few ER visits, ruptured bowels, colostomy bag, lots and lots of crying. The whole time saying “No! I won’t drink more water! The doctors are idiots!”
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Lynn, your husband told you he wouldn't listen to his doctor Did you ask him why? If so, what did he say as reasons for not following his doctor's order?

Do you think perhaps he has decided to take risks with his health because he hasn't gotten much to lose?

Or maybe after months and months of grueling treatments and being so close to death's door that he wants to do something that makes him feel like he is living?

If you haven't, I recommend you have a heart to heart talk with your husband. What does he wanted to do with the rest of his life?
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First thought: 5 acres? Blimey! That sounds like a lot of digging.

First question: how IS your health? When did you last indulge in any self-care? You're posting at - whatever time it is, ohmygod o'clock I assume - and I imagine you're pretty much swallowing your own tongue with rage and frustration. Is it just the yard work? What happened today that brought you to the forum?
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