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Has anyone experienced this before? how did it work out? Did your loved one think you abandoned them? Did your loved one still remember you/still love you?
We had a terrible experience at the first facility and if I hadn't gone every morning and evening with occasional drop ins, I would not have known. What they promise is rarely what is provided for the residents. The second facility is better, but they were not giving him his meds correctly - if I hadn't been there to check his meds, not sure where we would be today. It also took several weeks to make sure they were not giving him sugar oatmeal, fruit juice, and a donut - he is diabetic. You can not trust that "everything will be fine." You are the one that cares about your loved one 24/7.
You do what your instincts and gut tells you is the right thing. Maybe you keep visits short and maybe not every day but you don’t let facility staff at a facility you are paying, dictate your interaction with your LO. As another poster said, the facility is a business and cannot be relied upon to always have your and your LO’s best interests at the forefront. Consider what they say and respect their experience, but in the end you have experience too. You are his family and number one advocate. There needs to be mutual respect between you and the staff. No one at the facility gets to dictate your visitation schedule as long as it is reasonable and within their set visitation hours. No one at the facility gets to administer ANY drugs without consulting with you first. If you feel that this facility is going to bully you into care decisions you are not comfortable with, then start looking for a different facility. Even if you don’t move right away you will at least know where you could go if necessary.
It's not the same, but it reminds me of when my mum went into hospital. When I went in with her last autumn, I did all the talking and Mum seemed helpless . She became confused, scared and agitated. Every few minutes she tried to get out of bed and fretted that she had to get out of there.
The next time Mum was admitted, I wasn't around to go in with Mum. When I arrived at the hospital, she was much calmer in the A&E ward than she had been the previous time.
The time after that, I said that I wouldn't go in with Mum, as I couldn't keep taking time off work, and she was in good hands. I would visit her after work.
When I got to the hospital later that day, I found that Mum had been quite calm and confident. Admittedly, everything she had told them was wrong - her age, that she lived alone , was independent and had no carers, and that she was perfectly well - but, a quick phone call to her husband set matters right. However, on seeing me, Mum started to get anxious and was worried about why she was in hospital and thought she must have annoyed her husband and he was getting rid of her.
It could be that Mum was sundowning, but the next (and last) hospital admission showed me that Mum coped much better when she was left to adjust on her own.
Having said all this, I didn't leave Mum completely alone. I visited and she soon got used to the arrangement - she stayed in the hospital and I would come and go.
You have to see what suits you and your husband, taking into account time of day and other factors. Wishing you all the best.
There may be a problem if my husband goes to a facility before i do since i would want to have daily visits before the facility might want me to. In fact id probably look for another facility if i thought he would understand me “going to work”, “going to the grocery”, leaving to do whatever “chores” i had to do … and then id come back the next day.
if he didn't understand and didnt recognize me then it’s a whole different thing.
I say, as others have, to trust your instincts. You know your relationship better than ANYONE. I can only say what I would do. My mom tells me she feels safe around me, and I'm guessing as this nasty disease progresses and she forgets who I am, the feeling of safety around me will remain. No way would I stay away.
The advice to stay away for a week or two is so that the new resident begins to see and adjust to the 'new normal.' Seeing you right away when he's in a new environment is doubly confusing, not a good thing for folks with dementia. It may sound cruel, but it is just for transitioning. Don't be guilted into going a lot in these early weeks; give husband time to adjust, kind of like immersion therapy, or learning a new language (done best in a country where the language is their native tongue: you pick it up faster because it's all around you!) Find a social worker or mental health counselor to support you in this transition as well; they can help you adapt to the change which will also help your husband. When you are at peace, as much as possible, your husband will be too, as you two develop a different style of partnership.
The advice to stay away for a week or two is so that the new resident begins to see and adjust to the 'new normal.' Seeing you right away when he's in a new environment is doubly confusing, not a good thing for folks with dementia. It may sound cruel, but it is just for transitioning. Don't be guilted into going a lot in these early weeks; give husband time to adjust, kind of like immersion therapy, or learning a new language (done best in a country where the language is their native tongue: you pick it up faster because it's all around you!) Find a social worker or mental health counselor to support you in this transition as well; they can help you adapt to the change which will help your husband as well.
Never forget that they are, first and foremost, running a BUSINESS. The individuals working there may be kind and knowledgeable, but they are caring for a great number of people and at the end of the day will do what is most efficient and economical for them. That may include medicating your loved one because he’s “stressed”. I may get flak for saying this, but it’s the truth. Very few facilities are founded because the owner thought “let’s do something wonderful for our aging community”. It’s a business.
On the other side of the equation, your spouse belongs to you and you are committed to one another. Entering a facility is terrifying, and our loved ones are already feeling vulnerable and helpless. Be there as much as you see fit and make it clear to them that you won’t be instructed otherwise. They have no right to tell you such a thing, and it raises the question WHY? What do they intend to do unsupervised? He needs a familiar face, someone who truly cares about him, and a fierce advocate right now. That’s you.
It is hard for the person with dementia to not want to leave with you. He probably gives them hell after you walk out the door. There will come a day when your husband no longer remembers you. That is because he has dementia, not because you have placed him in a facility for care. They don't want you to stay away permanently, just until he gets acclimated to his new surroundings. Even if you visit him every day, he may not remember you were just there.
There is so much guilt associated with placing someone into care and no matter what we suggest to you, you are going to feel bad because this is a crappy disease and a crappy situation, and you love you husband.
We are on year 16 and my mom does not know who I am, but when I get up to leave she is upset and begs me to stay. It never goes away. My advice is to make the decision you can live with because your husband isn't going to know the difference.
Normally I woujd say do what your instincts say as you know your husband best in this case it may make things worse as he isn’t accepting being in the new place maybe a compromise and not visit but call its a fine line I. Showing you haven’t abandoned someone and show you care not the same but a little example I take our little dog to the vets he plays up because I am there and will be one a little beast - he’s only a compact chihuahua the vet takes him to the back and he can’t see me so behaves ? maybe that’s their logic
I did stay away for the first week. My mom had become aggressive towards me prior to going to MC and I did not want to trigger any aggression while she was “adjusting.” That said she is doing well because of the meds, calm environment and great staff. Every situation is different. Good luck and take care of yourself.
Do what you think is best. You know him more than anyone. His brain is broken and he may be scared. And yes be there every day if you can. Watch what goes on. It's easier for staff to sedate someone then work with them.
Ensure you are the poa and put in writing that you require approval before any med change, and any med prn be given.
Memory care units are now all corporate owned and they squeeze profits by hiring too few staff and unqualified staff. And it's a hard job. But this is a huge gap in our societal system. The elderly, and babies and animals are the most vulnerable of all. People with dementia can't even say what happened to them, so very vulnerable.
Do what you think is best. And love him and love him. You are his safety blanket.
I cannot believe you would be told to stay away. I would transfer your husband somewhere else. I am sorry you are dealing with these bizarre ideas. Your husband needs you. My parents were always asking for me. That would be so detrimental to your husband.
I did not stay away at all. I was there every day to check on my DH. I'm not sure if it was for my benefit or his, but I would have struggled not knowing how he was adjusting.
When my wife first started getting bad with Alzheimers, everyone abandoned her, her boss, her colleagues, and her friends. Her adult children were too busy with their lives, so I was her rock. I was there to stay by her side. I was her shadow, but she would softly cry and say she was lonely. She was used to having lots of people around her to talk to and interact with everyday. I was the one true constant though. The one she could come home to every single day and tell me her troubles no matter what happened at work. I knew she needed people around her to socialize with until her condition became so severe that I would have to bring her home to her safe space and again be her rock until the bitter end. So, I put her in a local memory care where she would have others, similar to her condition, to talk to, eat with, and celebrate holidays. Sure, the "experts" told me I should not visit for several weeks. I was having none of that. Should I abandon her in her hour of need? Leave her to deal with all of these strangers, good or bad, without being able to come to my arms and hold her and tell her it was okay? Would you leave a toddler in daycare without coming everyday to give them a big hug and ask them how their day was? She's home with me now. She's safe, content, and no longer cries that she's lonely, and still no one cares, no one visits. The staff at the memory facility have never bothered to call and ask about her, so stay away for a while if you want to, I didn't.
Many facility administrators/management will say "stay away."
It is really up to you how to proceed. No one is in your shoes - "Did you loved one still remember you..." ? - with advanced dementia, one never knows although I believe that they do not have the cognitive ability to 'hold resentment' ("still love you?") - they are scared and confused, perhaps hallucinating.
Be aware of what drugs they are giving your husband. It can be heartbreaking to see how a person responds to drugs (when they are trying out / finding out what works.) If you can, contact your own MD and/or reseach medications on-line - and more (i.e., TEEPA SNOW. I can only speak of a client who was hospitalized after a fall, then went directly into a memory care unit (with advanced dementia). I worked with her briefly before she left her large home); I went to see her in the hospital (she was / wanting to physically 'hit' / lash out at the 'sitter' (a caregiver or someone who sits there with the person bedside) and screaming, trying to get out of bed. (She was a narcissistic personality so very vocal anyway.). When I came in, I spoke to her in a soft voice and asked her what she wanted. She calmed down immediately and went to sleep. (I don't know how or why I had this positive calming affect on her although everyone around her was grateful. In memory care, while she had advanced dementia and spoke gibberish, she always remembered me - week after week - for close to two years.
* I believe your husband will ALWAYS remember you. Even if it doesn't appear to you that he does. Smile, touch, use even calm voice.
* Remember to take care of yourself during this transition. It is an emotion and psychological adjustment for you, too. It is a gut wrenching difficult transition - for the entire family.
You can still be a calming presence for your husband even if you’re not living with him. You staying away is helpful for staff, not your husband. Remember, they are medical professionals, not mental health experts. You do whatever feels best, you’re the expert on your relationship.
No!!! Do not stay away. Generally speaking this is the way to really depress a person who is confused anyway and is scared. It is a lonely place, they don’t know anyone, cannot carry a conversation or even express well and then to take away a trusted person who can “read” their mind? That is cruel. My mom is comforted by the “reading” of her mind. The patience. (Staff will not have that kind of patience and pace). I eventually got mom a 1/2 time caregiver to make sure she was being cared for the way I wanted her to be cared for. Her showers and lotions and cueing comes from a trusted person who sees her daily. When she didn’t have this, she was withdrawn and didn’t want to eat.
This was recommended two years ago when we moved dad into an assisted-living that included memory care commingled . dad’s Alzheimer’s was at the mid stage where he didn’t really recognize us, but he was aware of his surroundings and he was verbal and still able to get around. He has six children and we refused to stay away, but it wasn’t a big issue once we let it be known to the staff that we were going to be visiting. Sure dad would want to leave with us and he would ask when he was going to go home and where was his car but he would’ve done this anyway if we weren’t there. We did have to tell Little fibs, like his house was being tented for bugs, we had been telling him already for the past month or so that his car was in the shop. He actually thought for the first month that he was in a hotel and he would want to tip the girls at dinner. And he was telling us that it was really a nice place. But eventually, he stopped asking about going home and he settled in fine. I wouldn’t have changed anything with the move in. We didn’t like telling the little white lies , but it was better for him.
I know that most memory care facilities ask that family members stay away for 1-2 weeks to allow their loved one to acclimate, and I've known many folks that have done just that and their loved one did just fine, and yes they still knew them when they finally came to visit. You have to do what ever you feel is best for all involved. And even if you choose to stay away for a bit, you can always still call the facility to check on him whenever you want. I hope everything works out just fine for both you and your husband.
Don't let people here scare you Lisa. My mother lived in a great Memory Care for 3 years and had fabulous caregivers who loved her dearly. Only a DOCTOR can write a prescription for medication to be administered by staff, which was never done w/o MY approval.
I did not stay away for any time when mom went into MC. I wanted to be there for her and so I was. It takes time to acclimate for everyone. It's a new unfamiliar environment, so if you feel strongly about visiting your hubby, do so. The admin make suggestions only.
I don't know what level of dementia your husband is at right now, but if he knows your face and that you're his wife, he'll likely know you when you do go visit. These situations are difficult for all concerned at first, but most folks DO acclimate in time. When I worked as a receptionist at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, wives would come visit their husbands all the time and stay for lunch or watch a movie with them. Most people cannot afford 24/7 care at home, let's face it, so Memory Care becomes a great alternative where the residents also get activities and socialization.
yes they had me stay away 5 days and I would do no longer. He had been so drugged and not the same person I dropped off 5 days prior. I was heart broken. Hope fully I pray your place will be better. Safety was a big issue but afteer a year I brrought him back home with 24/7 care. They kept using thickener so he could drink but in all of my research and trying different things this thickener they want to use can coat the throat which makes it very difficult for them to eat and drink later. I have since cleaned all of that out and we now use baby rice cereal, banana and water blended. It works great! Good luck and I am praying for you...we are in our 13th year.
Lisa, this would be better asked in the question section, you will get more answers, and it works out better for you to respond back.
This is the normal process, and it seems to work out, but I don't have anyone in a facility, yet. Others will answer you better, just letting you know where to put your question to get the best advice
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I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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When I went in with her last autumn, I did all the talking and Mum seemed helpless . She became confused, scared and agitated. Every few minutes she tried to get out of bed and fretted that she had to get out of there.
The next time Mum was admitted, I wasn't around to go in with Mum. When I arrived at the hospital, she was much calmer in the A&E ward than she had been the previous time.
The time after that, I said that I wouldn't go in with Mum, as I couldn't keep taking time off work, and she was in good hands. I would visit her after work.
When I got to the hospital later that day, I found that Mum had been quite calm and confident. Admittedly, everything she had told them was wrong - her age, that she lived alone , was independent and had no carers, and that she was perfectly well - but, a quick phone call to her husband set matters right. However, on seeing me, Mum started to get anxious and was worried about why she was in hospital and thought she must have annoyed her husband and he was getting rid of her.
It could be that Mum was sundowning, but the next (and last) hospital admission showed me that Mum coped much better when she was left to adjust on her own.
Having said all this, I didn't leave Mum completely alone. I visited and she soon got used to the arrangement - she stayed in the hospital and I would come and go.
You have to see what suits you and your husband, taking into account time of day and other factors.
Wishing you all the best.
if he didn't understand and didnt recognize me then it’s a whole different thing.
On the other side of the equation, your spouse belongs to you and you are committed to one another. Entering a facility is terrifying, and our loved ones are already feeling vulnerable and helpless. Be there as much as you see fit and make it clear to them that you won’t be instructed otherwise. They have no right to tell you such a thing, and it raises the question WHY? What do they intend to do unsupervised? He needs a familiar face, someone who truly cares about him, and a fierce advocate right now. That’s you.
There is so much guilt associated with placing someone into care and no matter what we suggest to you, you are going to feel bad because this is a crappy disease and a crappy situation, and you love you husband.
We are on year 16 and my mom does not know who I am, but when I get up to leave she is upset and begs me to stay. It never goes away. My advice is to make the decision you can live with because your husband isn't going to know the difference.
in this case
it may make things worse as he isn’t accepting being in the new place
maybe a compromise and not visit but call
its a fine line I. Showing you haven’t abandoned someone and show you care
not the same but a little example I take our little dog to the vets
he plays up because I am there and will be one a little beast - he’s only a compact chihuahua
the vet takes him to the back and he can’t see me so behaves
?
maybe that’s their logic
Ensure you are the poa and put in writing that you require approval before any med change, and any med prn be given.
Memory care units are now all corporate owned and they squeeze profits by hiring too few staff and unqualified staff. And it's a hard job. But this is a huge gap in our societal system. The elderly, and babies and animals are the most vulnerable of all. People with dementia can't even say what happened to them, so very vulnerable.
Do what you think is best. And love him and love him. You are his safety blanket.
I knew she needed people around her to socialize with until her condition became so severe that I would have to bring her home to her safe space and again be her rock until the bitter end.
So, I put her in a local memory care where she would have others, similar to her condition, to talk to, eat with, and celebrate holidays. Sure, the "experts" told me I should not visit for several weeks. I was having none of that. Should I abandon her in her hour of need? Leave her to deal with all of these strangers, good or bad, without being able to come to my arms and hold her and tell her it was okay? Would you leave a toddler in daycare without coming everyday to give them a big hug and ask them how their day was?
She's home with me now. She's safe, content, and no longer cries that she's lonely, and still no one cares, no one visits.
The staff at the memory facility have never bothered to call and ask about her, so stay away for a while if you want to, I didn't.
It is really up to you how to proceed. No one is in your shoes -
"Did you loved one still remember you..." ? - with advanced dementia, one never knows although I believe that they do not have the cognitive ability to 'hold resentment' ("still love you?") - they are scared and confused, perhaps hallucinating.
Be aware of what drugs they are giving your husband.
It can be heartbreaking to see how a person responds to drugs (when they are trying out / finding out what works.) If you can, contact your own MD and/or reseach medications on-line - and more (i.e., TEEPA SNOW. I can only speak of a client who was hospitalized after a fall, then went directly into a memory care unit (with advanced dementia). I worked with her briefly before she left her large home); I went to see her in the hospital (she was / wanting to physically 'hit' / lash out at the 'sitter' (a caregiver or someone who sits there with the person bedside) and screaming, trying to get out of bed. (She was a narcissistic personality so very vocal anyway.). When I came in, I spoke to her in a soft voice and asked her what she wanted. She calmed down immediately and went to sleep. (I don't know how or why I had this positive calming affect on her although everyone around her was grateful. In memory care, while she had advanced dementia and spoke gibberish, she always remembered me - week after week - for close to two years.
* I believe your husband will ALWAYS remember you. Even if it doesn't appear to you that he does. Smile, touch, use even calm voice.
* Remember to take care of yourself during this transition. It is an emotion and psychological adjustment for you, too. It is a gut wrenching difficult transition - for the entire family.
Gena / Touch Matters
You have to do what ever you feel is best for all involved. And even if you choose to stay away for a bit, you can always still call the facility to check on him whenever you want.
I hope everything works out just fine for both you and your husband.
I did not stay away for any time when mom went into MC. I wanted to be there for her and so I was. It takes time to acclimate for everyone. It's a new unfamiliar environment, so if you feel strongly about visiting your hubby, do so. The admin make suggestions only.
I don't know what level of dementia your husband is at right now, but if he knows your face and that you're his wife, he'll likely know you when you do go visit. These situations are difficult for all concerned at first, but most folks DO acclimate in time. When I worked as a receptionist at a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, wives would come visit their husbands all the time and stay for lunch or watch a movie with them. Most people cannot afford 24/7 care at home, let's face it, so Memory Care becomes a great alternative where the residents also get activities and socialization.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Hope fully I pray your place will be better. Safety was a big issue but afteer a year I brrought him back home with 24/7 care.
They kept using thickener so he could drink but in all of my research and trying different things this thickener they want to use can coat the throat which makes it very difficult for them to eat and drink later. I have since cleaned all of that out and we now use baby rice cereal, banana and water blended. It works great!
Good luck and I am praying for you...we are in our 13th year.
This is the normal process, and it seems to work out, but I don't have anyone in a facility, yet. Others will answer you better, just letting you know where to put your question to get the best advice