Follow
Share

He always wants to run off to "his wife" at every hour and I'm burned out. He doesn't believe we are married even if I show him pictures. I even told him that his wife is on a trip with her family, but he says I am lying. What should I do? We live together and are not rich, his body is in perfect health. I am trying to postpone AL or dementia care as much as possible.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time with your husband. The way you describe him sounds like he is experiencing dementia. He's not thinking straight or able to make good judgements about the people around him. It's best not to contradict or try to reason with people who have dementia. Their minds can't handle new information and often they lose their short term memory. Try changing the subject to get him thinking about other things. Tell him you're there to take care of him. If he's receptive, tell him you love him. Try to maintain a trusting and loving relationship, even if he doesn't recognize you as his wife. I had to do this with my mother, who did not recognize me as her daughter as her dementia advanced. Talk to his doctor about medications that will calm him. If he becomes violent, please consider moving him to a memory care/assisted living facility. If it comes to that, try to find one nearby so you can visit often and oversee his care. Make sure his (and your) paperwork is in order. If it is not too late, you both need to set up Powers of Attorney for medical (health care proxy) and financial matters (durable POA). You both should also have Living Wills (advance medical directives) and wills. These legal documents need to be signed by someone who is capable of signing legal documents, and you may need an attorney. Contact your state's Department of Aging to find out what your and your husband's options are. They may be able to recommend a pro bono attorney. Social Security and Medicare also need to have you on file as someone who can speak on your husband's behalf. Set up a support system for yourself, too. Who can help you if you become unable to care for yourself? All the best to you and your husband. A big hug to you!
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to NancyIS
Report

ps if you have any issues w him w anger. b careful bc yes the ywill send him off for a psyc eval.. you dont want that. We put my mum on celebrex and it helped w her anger issues and we used xanax. she was mellow.. then on. Get with pallative care now. and get some help. and then you cn transition to hospice but pallative care is not hospice so.. dont freak out..
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BanburyOkie65
Report
Sorrynotsorry Mar 23, 2026
Why not. He needs a psych evaluation.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
My mum had vascular dementia from the valve she had done 3 yrs prior. she was sharp as a tack until that happened. Then she began thinking i was her mom. lol So i let it be. Didnt matter. i would still tell her i loved her and she would tell me she loved me. I would suggest you figure out who he thinks you are and go w it. Tell him you love him. What does it matter?? Sadly he will be gone soon as dementia shortens the life. and then you will miss him.. my point of view...
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BanburyOkie65
Report
lealonnie1 Mar 23, 2026
What's the point in guilt tripping this OP??? She needs solutions not judgements or nonsense!
(0)
Report
My husband behaved the same way. His neurologist said it was "Capgras Syndrome". He believed that I was an imposter and our home was not his home. He was always escaping to try to get away from me and to go " home". Do research on Capgras. You can't do anything about it, but there are things you can do to keep him a little calmer and one thing that will never, ever work is arguing or trying to convince him that he is wrong. One thing that worked for me was that when he wanted to go home, I told him to get in the car and he could show me where his home was and I would take him there. Most of the time, by the time we got to the end of the driveway, he would point at our house and say,"there it is". We would drive back in the garage and he would be okay. As far as looking for his wife: have him call her (you) on her cell phone and you go in another room and answer it and talk to him. After a few minutes, walk out with the phone and say, "Honey, I'm home." This worked more times than it did not. Hope this helps a little.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sharovd
Report
Sharovd Mar 21, 2026
AnnaKat, I forgot to mention to be careful about trying to convince him that you are his wife. As my husband's disease progressed, he became angrier and angrier about me pretending to be his wife and started getting aggressive. After the third time of 911 calls and Sheriff Deputies, they called the EMTs to take him to the ER for a psych evaluation as they were afraid he was going to hurt me.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
My husband also had Capgras syndrome. It is almost always directed at the primary caregiver. Early in his disease, he asked me to reinforce him with the truth. Men are very sensitive to touch and tone of voice. So I gently touch him, and remind him that I am the real Mary.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Quitecontrary
Report

I think it’s time fur hobby to go into care before you get burn out
check with charities and/or legal and find out what options are available to you
one thing forgetting
another getting temper outbursts

in the meantime I’d leave a photo in the bedroom and living room if your marriage and not say anything further
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Jenny10
Report

Thanks to all of you for the support and the great suggestions! This post is keeping me sane. You are all wonderful, it is great how we all feel free to ask and vent, as well as receiving great advice. We will survive caregiving together.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AnnaKat
Report

But why are you trying to postpone care in facility?
You stated you are burned out already. I am sorry it will not get better.
It is hard deciding about facility. I know as my husband just went to AL.
He has Parkinson’s, no dementia and improved physically in past few months.
But I realize it is not going to last and actually being in fairly good shape I think it is better to go to facility before it will get worse as adjustment is easier.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Evamar
Report
Rosie47 Mar 21, 2026
In our state Memory care is 10k-13k per month. Unfortunately that is a major reason to not put a loved one into a facility
(0)
Report
AnnaKat, has hubby been tested for a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) as that sometimes can mimic dementia and cause a person to be angry.


Another writer, lealonnie1, had an good idea of you pretending to be a hired caregiver, doctor's orders. I would suggest purchasing some scrub tops so this idea would be more understandable for your hubby. But I wouldn't share the same bedroom.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to freqflyer
Report

Since he has already climbed a wall to "escape," chances are good he'll do it again. My husband was also an escape artist. It was harrowing because I tried everything to keep him inside. Locks, alarms, bells, all of it. I had trackers on him; he wore cargo shorts and pants, and I distributed his ID, two air tags and his phone among the pockets. He also wore an Apple smartwatch, and I could track him on that. Despite all of that, he figured out the lock on the door in the 10 minutes I was out of the room to take a call from the care facility he was soon to enter. I searched his usual routes through the neighborhood, but he'd gotten onto a busy 4-lane and someone picked him up and called an ambulance. Unknown to me, he'd chewed his ID to bits earlier that day, so it wasn't on him and no one knew to call me. He couldn't tell them. He ended up as a John Doe in a hospital 15 miles away, thankfully unharmed.

The time before that, he took an early morning walk before I was awake and tried to climb over a tall rock wall. He evidently slipped and slid down it because his face was torn up with bits of stone in the sores. He couldn't tell me what happened but when I looked up his trail on his phone, he'd walked about a mile (very fit runner) and tried to get over the wall to a major highway.

Don't ever think you can keep them safe when this behavior starts. He's past AL status now. Start looking for a memory care facility, and good luck.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
MG8522 Mar 16, 2026
How scary! Some of the very qualities that made people successful in life -- intelligence, determination. analytical and problem-solving skills -- make this so difficult if dementia sets in.
(11)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think your postponing days are pretty much over.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to olddude
Report

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation, AnnaKat. It sounds so hard and heartbreaking. I hope you have someone who can stay with him so you can have a break now and then.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to TeethGrinder65
Report

See an elder lawyer to have your assets split. His split will go towards his care in an AL and when its almost gone, your apply for Medicaid. Once a Community spouse, you keep the home, a car and get enough or all of the monthly income to live on.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

As mentioned, there are medications to calm his anxiety. He may also have some delirium for which other medications might help. He may have a picture in his mind of you at a certain phase of life and if you look different now (which most of us do) -- different hair color, longer or shorter hair, different weight, glasses, etc., his brain simply may not recognize you as the same person.

And this can be very sad for you. But him looking for you should make you realize that he does value you, in whatever version of you his brain is holding onto.

Is there any danger that he might try to hurt you, thinking that you are a stranger or that you are in some way keeping his wife from him or harming "her"? Do you sleep in the same room? Be realistic if there is any threat and be prepared. Locked bedroom door, phone always with you, ability to leave despite the door locks. And look into memory care, for both of your safety.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MG8522
Report
AnnaKat Mar 17, 2026
Thanks for the great advice and the concern. He is not aggressive, at least for now. I have the key to the locks and will move to the guest bedroom if needed.
(0)
Report
As he has started escaping and does not recognize you, I would speak with his doctor about his future and start applying for Medicaid in case he needs to be placed soon. If he becomes violent, call 911and let them know you think he needs to be checked out and you are afraid. Hopefully they can take him in and you can get him placed in a care home. He is not going to get better and suddenly recognize you. It's going to get harder to deal with him.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

Your husband suffers from anosognosia which means he is unable to recognize or acknowledge his deficits vs being in "denial".

Tell him you are Sue, the new caregiver and companion the DOCTOR prescribed for him to have 24/7. That his wife is in Europe on an extended trip and won't be back for many months. Don't tell him you are his wife, it's not working. Call the doctor for meds to calm him down.

Seriously consider placing him in Memory Care Assisted Living now because the quality of your life is being compromised now. But get him to a calm state with meds first, because Memory Care wants relaxed residents.

Best of luck to you and I'm very sorry youre going thru such a nightmare. Dementia is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
AnnaKat Mar 17, 2026
Thanks for the great suggestions! Telling him I was a caregiver worked today.
(4)
Report
If you told him that his ‘wife’ was off on a trip with her family, what’s true and what are lies is getting a bit too mixed up! The different wife is is a very confronting mistake to ‘humor’, but perhaps you could ask him to tell you all about his ‘wife’ – where they met, the wedding and honeymoon, where she is now etc. You might get some idea where it is all coming from. Perhaps an early girlfriend who he expected to marry?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report
AnnaKat Mar 17, 2026
I think it's the young me. We have been married 36 years, she supposedly has my name.
(3)
Report
He has been diagnosed with dementia, although of course he denies it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AnnaKat
Report

It is no use arguing with someone with dementia. They believe what they believe, and it is real to them. It is upsetting to them when you try to correct them.

I'm so sorry this is your husband who lives with you. You do not need to convince him that you are his wife. Just take on the roll of caregiver, mother, friend, whatever he sees you as. It must be frustrating that he keeps asking to go to his wife.

Surely, he's not able to leave the house, is he? You need to make sure he does not attempt to drive. For that matter, even walking away from home and wandering, he could get lost and get into trouble.

Try talking with his doctor about an anti-anxiety medication. Your husband is very anxious and upset, and he's looking for some comfort that he can not find.
Try and provide that soothing comfort to him, without correcting him.

You may need to place him in Memory Care sooner than you think.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report
AnnaKat Mar 15, 2026
Thanks for the advice. We have a security door and alarms on the doors. He doesn't have the keys. However, he is still quite athletic and has managed to climb the wall to get in our neighbor's yard and then into the street. So far he has done it only once, I managed to stop him every time so far, thanks to the door alarm.
(3)
Report
This sounds like Capgras syndrome.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/capgras-syndrome

I doubt there is any way you can convince him. I have no doubt this is very upsetting. I am sorry. It may be impossible to care for him at home. Meds might be helpful in any case to diminish his symptoms.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Suzy23
Report
AnnaKat Mar 15, 2026
Thanks, I will mention it to his psychiatrist. Our old doctor retired, the new doctor didn't even know he had dementia.
(2)
Report
I'm not sure if you've had an official diagnosis but you know that if he doesn't recognize you he's got dementia. What you do next is depending on you and how his dementia is affecting you..and him. Do you need a little respite And would hiring some help give you a bit of a breather. Tell us what you think you need and how we can help
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Hrmgrandcna
Report
AnnaKat Mar 17, 2026
Thanks! 🙏🙏🙏
(0)
Report
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter