My MIL will be 96 in November.
I was a certified nursing assistant, and worked with the elderly for many years. I used to go into individuals homes.
The Assisted living facility has treated her so very badly.
She fell in 2021, breaking her femur. This landed her in assisted living. She was supposed to go back home to live with her son (he is special needs from a TBI) But mom thinking she was already getting so much older put the home in her sons name. While she was in assisted living, he sold the home for next to nothing (special needs they don’t understand) he moved to Michigan. We all live in Michigan.
Here is my question, no one wants to take care of mom. She does have some dementia (not bad for 96) she incontinent. She doesn’t want to do anything at the facility. Because of the things that they have done in there.
I am the daughter in law and I was given medical POA on her. And her actually daughter will NOT help with any medical ( just finance) she wouldn’t even go visit mom after a horrific fall that landed her in Trauma ICU… nightmare.
It will be totally different having her live with us. My husband was diagnosed as having Parkinsonism.
Our home doesn’t have a walk in shower. We have a very deep Jacuzzi tub. So we need to change that. We don’t have the funds for that. Also we borrowed a wheel chair to see how she would get around in our home. The bathroom was the hardest part.
I am hoping with a small wheelchair she will be ok.
Also we have 3 steps to get into our home. So a small ramp will be needed.
In Florida I have her on long term care, which pays for all medical at the ALF and all her pull-ups, Any OTC items she needs. All of her food and travel to doctors’ appointments. The ALF she is at now just drops her off at her appointment. In 120 (heat index weather) and at wrong locations. No one goes with her to help her. It’s a nightmare.
We have to have her up in Michigan for 30-45 in order to get her assistance. It’s called waiver (I am told) like Florida’s long term care program. The day we bring her up here, I am to call NEMSCA and Medicaid. So get her signed up for everything. Then we can get her moved to an assisted living facility here. We already looked at some.
Is this smart to do. I feel awful that she is in a facility that I picked (I thought it was good esp. for a short term stay…) I had no clue the son sold her home.
We also only have one bathroom.
I am torn. I know that I can handle her. It will be a huge challenge. And if we need to hopefully she will be evaluated and be able to go to an assisted living here, where we can watch their every move.
That’s only if life here at our home becomes over whelming.
I am asking for your input please. In case there are things I am missing.
Thank you in advance.
AL is the answer for now, somewhere that there is a step down program to MC and a NH.
This is much more difficult than you realize, having worked with the elderly is one thing, living with you is entirely a different matter and your house is not adequate for this type of venture, 1 bathroom will never work.
Read around this site, doing this will help guide you to make the right decision.
Sending support your way.
No, do not move her into your home. Find a better AL for her in MI. I believe MI has more generous Medicaid rules than other states. See if she can get assessed as needing LTC from her doctor.
"Thats only if life here at our home becomes over whelming."
If? No, *when*... because it will become overwhelming... and sooner than you can ever imagine.
I'm sorry about your husband's diagnosis. There is no solution for that, but there is for your MIL's care. Your husband is your priority, not his Mom. Finding a better care facility for her is the best solution. Save your energies for your remaining good years with him. Please heed the advice that will be posted by those who have been there and done that. Just cuz you have a nursing assistant certificate doesn't make you Superwoman (I know, I was raised by an old school RN). Burnout is a real thing and having "experience" and good intentions won't save you from it.
I wish you clarity, widsom and peace in your heart on the PD journey with your husband.
my husband also is in the early stages of Parkinsonism. He still says that’s not what he has.
Would you bring her here for the 30-45 days until we can get her moved?
Just because you were a CNA does not mean you have to start taking care of MIL. I am assuming you are no spring chicken yourself since MIL is 95. What you could do when you were younger is quite different then what you can do now as a senior citizen yourself.
Mom needs to be in a skilled nursing facility not AL. At the SNF she would be seen in house and not have to travel for appointments, etc.
Plus reasons to not move her in:
1. She is incontinent.
2. You don't have a safe place for her to take a shower and can't afford to remodel your home to accommodate this.
3. Moving MIL in will be costly with new bathroom, ramp for the wheel chair, etc. This is money you don't have to spend on MIL who gave her only asset her house to her son and he took the money and ran so to speak. Why should you ruin yourself financially because MIL made a poor decision financially?
4. Husband has parkinson's.
5. You think it will be easy to move her into new AL if you can't handle taking care of her in your home. NEWS FLASH moving them into your home is the easy part. Getting them out of your house can be a living nightmare. Better to NOT have to worry about that.
6. The facility you chose turned out to be a dud. Don't beat yourself up over it, it happens. Find a new place that's appropriate for her needs and get her moved in there. I would keep her in FL due to all the hoops you have to jump through to get her services in MI.
I don’t know how to revise my question above. But if we move her to Michigan, the state said that we have to bring here here in Michigan for 30-45 day. The day we bring her up here, I am to call NEMSCA and Medicaid. So get her signed up for everything. Then we can get her moved to an assisted living facility here. We already looked at some.
my husband also is in the early stages of Parkinsonism. He still says that’s not what he has.
Would you bring her here for the 30-45 days until we can get her moved?
Your husband, children and yourself must be your main priorities. And having your MIL move in will push them all to the bottom of that list. And that's' not fair to them.
So leave well enough alone. If your MIL chooses not to be involved at her assisted living facility that is on her not you. No facility will ever be perfect as you know, so sometimes "good enough" has to be good enough.
Is there somewhere else in Michigan that she can live until you can get her into assisted living? Like a private pay board-and-care home? That way she could establish residency but not be in your home.
You are an aid. I need tell you NOTHING.
You know all the facts.
This decision is yours. I am sorry for MIL because she has gifted her assets; I cannot imagine how she can now qualify to assisted care with benefits from Medicaid when needed, so this is worrisome. But, for myself I would understand that I could not do this care. Only YOU can make this decision for YOURself. I wish you luck and hope you'll update us.