My mom came home after visiting an aunt almost 2 years ago. Our stepdad allowed our stepbrother to move in their house while she was away. He was drunk and smoked pot. We found out soon that he had cancer. My mom was trying to take care of both of them after she had a knee replacement. She had a heart attack and the dr said it was stress induced. Since then she has fallen and had a hip replacement as a result of that. Our stepbrother passed away in October and Mom hasn't been able to get along with our stepdad. They've only talked on the phone a few times in the past 6 months. He considers her his ex wife. He told the doctors that when he was recently hospitalized. She found that out when she called to check on his well being. We think he has dementia but there is not any communication to determine this. Our Mom is just kind of lost. She won't discuss any legal action to go to her home and get the rest of her belongings. He has a daughter that lives in another sate and will not respond to us or our Mom. It seems we cannot find anyone else that has been in this situation. Mom is frugal as can be and not open to hiring an attorney either. Has anyone ever came close to being in this complicated, frustrating position of just wanting an 81 year old gracious woman to have peace?
Picking the stand-out one: when exactly did your mother hear that she is to consider herself your step-father's ex-wife?
So she is now living with you? - or with your sister? And she last set foot in her own home, where all of her belongings are, when?
She was labeled his ex wife when she called the hospital to learn of his status after having a heart incident. The nurse said that to Mom on the phone and she corrected the status by saying we are married.
She has been staying with both of us off and on. She does not drive and is receiving physical therapy following these tragic incidents. She walks with a walker or sometimes a cane. The last time she was at her home she was accompanied by my sister and gathered some necessary items on May 1st, 2020. She only took her clothes and some personal items. The house is fully furnished and step dad is there by himself. Their home is approximately 6 hours from my sisters house and approximately 4 hours from my house.
If she is currently cognitively competent, you and the lawyer will be able to tell from the conference.
If she is NOT cognitively competent, the lawyer will help you and your sister figure out how to proceed from where you are right now.
”Not paying” for a lawyer is NOT FRUGAL, (or for that matter, NOT GRACIOUS, either).
You are allowing your mother to attempt to control a situation in which she stands to lose whatever rights and /or assets she has.
Whether she gets mad, gets tearful, gets loud, WHATEVER, SOMEONE has to take charge and GET HER HELP, whether she initially cooperates or not.
You and you sister are now THE ADULTS IN THE ROOM. Your mother, at least in her current situation, IS NOT.
It’s time to DO THE RIGHT THING for HER!
Is Mom on the deed to the house? How long were they married?
It will all depend on the State she lives in if she is entitled to any of the house if not on the deed.
Why don't u see a lawyer. Then u will know where Mom stands and can go from there. With stepchildren involved she needs to protect what is hers.
Does mom have feelings for him or do you think the relationship is pretty much over?
Interesting to me that your stepdad’s doctor was so brutally honest with your mom. That must have been like a kick in the gut for her.
Does she live in a community property state? If they divorce, he is entitled to half, unless she has prenup before marriage of certain properties.
She really should get an attorney, perhaps a mediator to help guide her.
Others will chime in and give ideas.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Mom being able to re-house herself & have a place to call home will be a priority. I would imagine splitting assets would need legal advice but also significant emotional support for this big change.
I have a friend who's grandparents separated in their 70's-80's. I have no idea how finances where handled but the Grandmother moved into a retirement village type place (independent living) & loved her new life & making new friends. I think in that case it was embracing some well earned freedom.
I have heard of some people with Dementia suddenly cutting contact with family or friends before, especially with FTD. It could be grief? Stepdad just lost his son.
It's wonderful your sister & you are being Mom's support. Maybe the right councillor could be added to her team to help Mom to make sense of her new situation.
Is it that you wish to know whether your Mother is divorced or not?
Because if she were divorced she should have received notification both of filing and of final decree (usually some six months later) and the divorce, being a legal document will be filed in your Mom's county records.
There would be some division of estate ordered in any divorce decree; your Mom may even be able to collect a portion of pensions in place while the two are married.
Being frugal and not open to hiring an attorney of course will have Mom eventually parked at a big "STOP sign". Money goes to "need" and this will be a "need".
Why not start with family helping Mom to plumb the records for any evidence of a filing for divorce.
You say "Mom came home" and living with Sister. Is she receiving her own Social Security? Is she on title of the home she lived in with StepDad or any other shared properties and assets? Is she receiving her own mail now at your Sister's home?
Your Mom, of course, can file for divorce herself, should that be her wish. That sounds like an excellent idea. Again, we bump up against that word "Attorney".
Wishing you good luck.
Mom is may likely be depressed as well, and cannot absorb what is going on..
take care of her..
How long have your mother and stepdad been married, by the way?
So: 2019, mother goes on a short trip away with you and sister. She returns to find that stepbrother has moved in, with stepdad's consent but not your mother's. Had this been mentioned or discussed at all?
Then stepbrother's cancer diagnosis, or anyway the news of it (though I wonder if this was his main reason for needing his father's support - did he know of it or mention it before he moved in?).
Mother has a knee replacement, then is racing around trying to take care of them both (what were stepdad's care needs at this time?) but succumbs to stress and exhaustion and has a heart attack. She remained living with stepdad and stepbrother - with any support?
Fall and hip replacement - when?
May onwards, mother is essentially not living there but is shuttling between you and sister.
Stepbrother's death in October. Was stepdad his only or primary caregiver?
Stepdad has a heart incident and is hospitalised. When did this happen? Mother calls to ask after him and is told that the hospital has been informed that she is stepfather's ex-wife. She corrects this information. She must have found the incident pretty upsetting, which is why I ask when it was - before Christmas, weeks ago, last week, yesterday? And did she tell you about it straight away?
She doesn't want to consider her options for ending the marriage, recovering her belongings, or generally moving on. Do you think this might mean that what she would want - in a perfect world - is for the last two years not to have happened, so that she can have her nice marriage back?
The only suggestion I can offer, I'm really sorry, is don't rush her. Peace may be hard to come by for a while, especially when you think of what the two of them have been through. The question to approach, extremely delicately, is whether they want to be reconciled or not.
Get the things she needs, changed her bank accounts, gete POA, on health and finances. get you names on her accounts s yo have control and take care of things that need to be done, get her to a docor, get her checked out -- situated.
baby steps.... she needs to agree....
Once that is done, then talk about her "ex husband"