My mom (78) moved in with us in December 21 due to financial hardship. We talked beforehand, and agreed we would apply and seek HUD senior housing. She is healthy, drives and works PT as a "greeter" since Feb.
She moved from Texas to MI so I could help her. My siblings and I packed and paid 100% for the move.
I hand delivered the sr. hud applications and was told 1-2 year waiting list. 2 have come available, one I knew about, and one she never told me about.
She refused the one we both looked at "too dark and depressing", too far from her activities. The 2nd one she never told me they called her with an opening. I consider that lying.
She has been told, she must find a place of her own. She has a bankruptcy from 2016 and around $15,000 in credit card debt now that I didn't know about prior to her moving in.
I am at a loss and my DH has lost patience with her "entitlement". My siblings and I have all told her, she has to actively seek housing,
She has no $$ (other than SS), no saving and no plans for her future. I work FT and she lives in our basement, so stairs. Laundry room is on 2nd level of our home. So, more stairs. She will not talk about her "future" and what arrangements we might make for the next phase of her life. She cannot and will not address what happens when she cannot do stairs.
she refused to sign POA (financial) and refuses all attempt and resources to help. She was assigned a case manager at Area Agency on Aging but refuses to speak to them or return calls.
I want her out of my home. I am willing to help in many ways, but the refusal to accept a home she can afford is not acceptable. Her pride and stubbornness has wrecked our relationship. She tells me she is not interested in HUD Sr. Housing, but is going in a different direction. She told me she would be out 5/1, then 6/1 and now has a few boxes sitting around as if she is packing. She tells me she is moving to Arkansas as soon as her "work transfer" goes through. My siblings and I have voiced or non support for this plan, and have no idea how she thinks she can pull this off. Realistically, no one will rent to her based upon her income and credit. but she refused to see that reality.
I am considering a consult with an attorney about seeking a court appointed guardianship so someone can act on her behalf and best interests.
I made a huge mistake thinking she would let me help once she moved in.
Advice? Thoughts?
In the meantime, I am so desperate to get her out of my home, I found a senior roommates web site that allows renters and landlords to connect. I signed her up. It created matches for her and I then discussed with her how she would like to rent a room from another older person. She actually liked the idea. I read her the matches last night and she liked 2 of them. We responded to them together. One of them responded back. I am beginning to be hopeful. If I can make this work and get her out of my house, then there will be no coming back. If this doesn't work, I am going to evict her and be done with her.
Here is how I would handle her beating around the bush procrastinating and finding fault with the apartments that have become available.
Tell her plainly that if you have to involve the court and have her evicted that your relationship with her is over. You will have no contact with her whatsoever. That the only time you will even speak of her is when you're making her funeral arrangements.
She takes the apartment available to her or she will be dead to you.
Put it to her in these terms and she will go on her own into the available apartment.
Your home is now your mother's home.
That's a fact. Short of eviction there is now no way to remove your mother from your home. You would need to see a landlord/tenant attorney to remove her if she does not leave voluntarily. Given you have encouraged her to exit her home state, any familiarity she had, and even minimal support, this is all made more difficult.
You have painted yourself into a corner. You have moved into your home someone with ZERO intention to leave it, someone perfectly happy with the present circumstances. She has never been responsible. She won't start now. People don't easily change.
You and your hubby unfortunately serve as a lesson to others. I am so sorry, but you are in a horrible position here.
My advice? You and your husband should go to a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice and tell that person the above; you should get options on moving forward toward getting your mother out of your home without her ending up homeless under a bridge. Your options will be very tough and very unsatisfactory. You should then have a sitdown talk, you, your husband, and your mother. Next stop may be an attorney. And that not good enough, dark apartment? I would advise someone to grab it. Otherwise, get ready for the long haul of living together, which will not get better, but rather very much worse.
I am so very sorry.
Fast forward to my current situation. My brother is deceased now and I had to bring my mother to live with me 6 years ago - yes, because of a promise that she tearfully asked me to make - and because my role growing up was to please everyone and not make waves.
So...based on my experience with stubborn parents who refuse to deal with reality, and don't mind being a burden, even when it's not necessary.....she won't change.
You are going to have to make some uncomfortable decisions and take some tough actions if you don't want your mother to live out her life in your home.
I wish you the best.
My mother should not be living in her home alone but the sad fact is her daughters don’t like her enough to invite her to live with one of us. we just hope and pray for the next crisis to come quickly so we can place her in the NH via the hospital,
Evicting her will probably make you feel terrible. Even though she NEEDS to get out of your home. And she will probably react with guilt tactics... "You're kicking out your own mother! I'll be on the streets! Shame on you!". Remind her that she brought this on herself. Lying by omission and having no plan for her future. If she had been honest in the beginning it would be easier to have a little sympathy towards her. She is using you and no one likes to be used. And it’s not okay.
All this said, this mom is taking unfair advantage. If she is still healthy, has a job, a car, she needs to move out. Please put your foot down, set a deadline, don't be guilted into caving. I don't agree you must 'divorce' your mother, unless she's abusive some way; just tell her you did not foresee some of the details that have come to light since bringing her into your home. It was a Temporary solution; just be firm, honest, and proceed deliberately. See if you can be the contact person for her HUD listings, so mom can't evade picking a dwelling.
If she claims she's moving to Arkansas, wish her well, and let the chips fall where they may. When my mom's stubbornness became too much I asked her area's agency of Aging what becomes of such a senior: they told me to stop helping, let nature take its course; if the elder is disabled the state steps in and places them wherever there is an opening. Your mother will be her own boss, entirely, and have to deal with that reality. You've realized you 'made a mistake', so stop digging that hole, change course; you've done more than many would, commendable, but it takes two to tango: your mother is not cooperating and you/your siblings cannot help if your mom does not do her part. She cannot 'squat' in your home. Gone are the days when elders just stayed with their families automatically; as lovely as the concept of 'extended family' sounds those situations were not always 'a bed of roses' for the families and I suspect miserable/abusive more often than not.
I accidentally said it’s a helpful post so now it has a star.
First, she should be paying a share of household expenses equivalent to what other adults in the household pays. Just search Craigslist for rooms and basements for rent and utilities in your area. If she’s eating the family’s food, she should be paying her proportionate share.
You can inform your Mom that if she doesn't assign someone as PoA then eventually the county will acquire guardianship of her once she is a vulnerable adult who cannot perform her ADLs or is a danger to herself or others. Ask her if she'd really rather have the county be in 100% control of her life at that point, or one of her children.
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