My mom is accusing my father (her primary caregiver) of the most horrible things. How can I make this stop?

EBE,
The thing you need to learn and remember is that your mother's BRAIN IS BROKEN. (Sorry didn't mean to shout.)
She isn't doing any of this on purpose. Her behavior is irratic because she has a disease called dementia that doesn't LET her think clearly.
I'm sure, before she got this, she would have never acted in this manner.

They don't WANT to be like this but they can't help it. You wouldn't punish a 2 year old for doing something wrong because they don't know any better. Well, it's the same with your mom now. She has lost the ability to reason and act rationally. It's not her fault.

I know you're hurt. I was too when my mother accused me of stealing from her, lying to her, wanting to do incestious acts with her and physically beating her....of course all were untrue. I ran out of the room sobbing. BUT, I knew WHY she said those things-because she has Alzheimer's.

You are going to need to educate yourself on dementia/Alzheimer's and then have a consultation with her doctor. Is she on meds for dementia? Read about the stages of Alzheimer's and familiarize yourself with what stage she's in. The more you read about her disease the better you will understand her and not hold this upsetting behavior against her. It really takes superhuman strength and fortitude NOT to take this personally. She is NOT doing it to hurt you or your dad, nor is she doing it of her own free will. Think of your mother's brain being taken over by the disease. She is no longer who she once was, I'm sorry to say.

Alzheimer's/dementia is a long, hard road for the patient, their families and caregivers. This is one level with a specific type of behavior. Next year it will be something different.

Give your dad some time to accept that he has lost his wife. He may not be fully accepting of her condition yet.

In the later stages it is practically impossible to keep them at home and he will be forced, by circumstances, to place her in a memory care facility.

My heart goes out to you all. I remember being where you are (but it seems so long ago).

You will come to accept her unusual behavior and disrespectful things she says as part of her disease. It will do you NO good to try to "set her straight ", because she is no longer able to tell right from wrong. You can try to pull her back into reality but she isn't able to make the trip.

I'm sorry. 😢

you mention UTI's in your profile. does she get those a lot? Ive heard with older adults there aren't  always physical symptoms but are mental symptoms

The only advice I can give is to perhaps have the doctor change her antipsychotic medication to a different one. My mother would get mean and threatening on one particular med but on Seroquil she’s calmer and sweet. People are different and our body’s react to medications differently.

EBE, it’s been a few days since the last activity in your post, please let us know if you all have accomplished anything.

Just another vote to do whatever it takes to get her to the doctor right away for a urinalysis and exam. After she’s treated for the likely UTI, an evaluation for a meds change.

The conditions you describe, to me, are fairly critical. Please be willing to upset your dad by insisting this all needs to be done, not asking. You can run her to one of those little clinics for a urinalysis *today.* Tell her the doctor needs to collect a tinkle test for all his patients who enjoy ice cream, I don’t think you have to be sensical.

Dear EB,

I have a similar situation here.  I convinced my Dad to see someone and talk. Now that he has heard a professional say she needs other care and he is being verbally abused. He has been more open to finding her a nursing home (albeit , he is dragging his feet) it is progress.  It was put to him in a way he could justify. They told him it was better and safer for her as well.

Have you tried asking the woman caretaker if she has noticed any changes in her behavior or mood swings when around her. Also have you kept a eye on your to make sure she is taking the meds. If she goes off and on without you knowing it; she may be going through withdrawal symptoms if not taking them.

My sister (early dementia) was recently hospitalized due to a fall. They gave her Seroquel. She began having the most horrendous hallucinations imaginable. Horrible! Her children demanded they take her off Seroquel. She was taken off and all hallucinations stopped with a couple of hours. She was back to herself. If you Google Seroquel, you will find that it says DO NOT give Seroquel to a person with dementia. When my mom would try to wear the same clothes, I went to the store and bought her three or four changes of the SAME outfit. I would switch them out and she never knew. This is part of that disease. Mom would forget to flush the toilet too, so I got a piece of wood and made a beautiful sign. Painted on the wood "Flush Toilet" in pretty writing and nailed it to the wall directly IN FRONT of the toilet. She pretty much never forgot again. Best of luck to you and your dad. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it is not easy!

" But for the last year and a half she has been drinking excessive quantities of regular (not diet) soda.......She’s also become obsessive with wanting ice cream. "

Maybe the increased need for sugar is related to the dementia. Of the entire body, the brain requires the most energy, and uses one-half of the supply. I just searched and read this.

Seroquel is a strong medication,that does have strong side effects,and I am educated on its use,and it’s power.A small dosage can often be powerful..May I offer my thoughts as such,to follow,for consideration......Perhaps,A Gerentologist,as a medical Dr.to seek out,which currently are yes difficult to find,and locate.( Drs.are certified specialists in treating just the elderly,) Most large cities have a teaching hospital,and a medical school,which is a good place to start,to try to locate one..Even if the drive,is far,perhaps be open,just once to the trip.( and even if you go by yourself to see one and ask a ton of questions)Just like we see cardiologists for our hearts,dermatologists for skin issues,etc,these “ specialists” few and far between, I have found to be superior,when compared to the old tried and true,” just go see your primary care Dr”....all Drs.like counselors,educators,medical professionals,nurses,etc.are NOT created equal.I seek and try to search for the best,get 1st ,2nd,and 3rd opinions if needed,and am 200% open always to an ANP,in any medical field.I appreciate their time,and what appears to me,more understanding.Also I am aware older folks are not readily open to change Drs.Also does your state,or county,have an Office of Aging & Disability services,? Or Generational Office,etc,That may be useful,for some guidance,,for you and your current issue.Knowledge can be powerful,and the more we know,the more we learn.Ask questions,and do not laugh,but, like me,I now write down the answers,because I by nature,these days with brain overload, usually forget.Also write down ,& in one notebook,any and all questions you may have.Also in addition to seeking a gerentologist ,there are new blood tests out now,for anti depressants and the like,( in a newer category that measures “ if” a particular drug is compatible to ones blood type,DNA,how ones body will process it etc.; you can google,blood tests for depression “ as a start.)Again it is the next generation of prescribing,still in the development process,but it is available,from Drs.,APNP,APR,Drs.who are psychologists,etc.etc.I have some names here in NJ,but am not stating them in general,as I am unaware where you live,and do not want my knowledge to sound like an advertisement or endorsement).It does offer hope,and makes so much sense,as we all know,any medication is not a one size fits all approach!( the original studies on this began with a Dr.from Chicago,and Mass.General,and Harvard Med.have been at the forefront,of “ blood tests for depression,” & the like.)And no,insurance usually does not cover the tests,( not outrageous) but finding a Dr.or med.professional who is open to this style of treating patients,is the challenge.Those med.profess..are hard to find,but not impossible to locate.Any medical professional open to exploring and at the least listening to options I appreciate.Drs are tools and directors,but not always Gods.I have found in my family,and with mostly all the elderly,a resistance to another Drs.opinion,and also that they rarely question or challenge their Drs.,or dare may say,”I would like another opinion”...and so,seek and ask,and as their daughter you will learn,and not feel so alone and over whelmed.I am so sorry you are going thru all that you are,and understand your stress,and your job as a caretaker.It is you,who I am thinking about the most,and will.In closure perhaps consider some of the above suggestions,as even when I have been and am emotionally and physically depleted,and am tired of doing,seeing,hearing,living in family chaos,I am usually glad when I ask questions,and ask and ask,write down my answers,from a potpourri of med.professionals,counselors,etc.or this site,and now realize,I often keep those new educated revelations to myself...and that is because I have found when I share any new found knowledge,it is most often,instantly dismissed.( people in general are not readily open to change,&many fear change).You have courage.

EBE,
We recently lost our Mom to an 8 year bout of Dementia, it was the hardest thing we have ever had to witness. Each of us finally understood about 2 years into the disease, Mom was gone and that did help some with "grief relief" but her husband (they were only married one year before she was diagnosed) stood by her, what a saint, and kept her home until the end.

What I am saying is your Mom, Dad, you, and family members are experiencing the symptoms of the disease as it progresses individually on different levels. As the child you want to Mom to be as you remember her, Dad wants her back, and Mom is is at the mercy of the disease and the best that can happen is you keep her safe, comfortable, and continue to love her.

Often times as the disease progresses she will become despondent almost docile, but you have a bit to go to get there (so it sounds). Our Mom would pull down her pants in public places asking people if they "Want some" and oh my we were mortified the first time it happened - we put loops on all her pants and added a snug belt so she could not.

As far as hygiene that was a little tricky, but got her to come and get us when she was done so we could flush for her - she never was able to connect the dots on the need for flushing. We also learned to limit her choices to a couple of mix 'n match outfits and placed them everyday in one particular dresser drawer the night before so she felt she had some control/choice over what she wore.

The road to taking care of a loved one is not easy, no matter the circumstances. I compare it to taking care of a regressing 2 year old, there is no reasoning with them or a loved one in the throes of Dementia.

Have heart - we are all here for you and send you love, support and hope you realize you are an amazing person for supporting your family when they need you most.

Warmest wishes and prayers!

When my friend, Beth, who was diagnosed with frontal temporal dementia, became resistant to all care in her memory care facility, I was advised to take her to a geri-psych ward at a hospital to find an anti-psychotic medication that would calm her down without doping her up. I found one with an opening and brought her there. It took 3 1/2 weeks for them to find the right medication and right dosage and after that she could be worked with and was not dopey at all until she passed away 5 months later. Her brain was just shutting down from the FTD. First she needed a wheel chair, then to be fed and at the end, she could no longer swallow. She was in hospice care the final two weeks, so was always kept comfortable. She had had frontal temporal dementia for about 8 years, but was diagnosed with it only in the last year. That was a 6 hour evaluation by trained specialists.
I hope such a facility is available to you, too, so you can get the help she needs. She may need more care than can be provided at home as this disease progresses. I felt lucky to have found a place that could do that care and that did it well.

@EBE2002, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I’m glad you’ve been able to read some books that have helped you accept what is happening to your mom.

You mention that your dad is an analytical sort of person, I wonder if you’d be able to share one of your books with him? Perhaps if he read about similar cases to your mom’s, he would be better able to see the reality that is facing her.

Re: Seroquel, each of these meds is different. My dad reacted badly to Risperodol, he was too dizzy to stand and felt really bad. But for him seroquel is well tolerated, and actually helped his hallucinations and paranoia. We’ve reduced it over the years as his disease progressed and it became less necessary. It’s like there is almost a transitional period where hallucinations, paranoia, anger and acting out become the norm, but eventually things even out.

I’m curious about your mom’s sugar cravings. There’s one theory that a better term for Alzheimer’s is “diabetes of the brain” and that consumption of too much sugar plays a role. I know my dad has to be given sugary things only in small amounts, or he will eat them non-stop. (Cookies are hidden in a cupboard and I give him one or two, because if he knows where they are he will eat all of them.) It’s very interesting how these things go together.

Best of luck to you in handling your mom’s illness. Just remember it is an illness, and when she’s speaking to you harshly or saying crazy things, it’s the illness talking!

Sorry to say but 'WELCOME TO THE CLUB' - often things that were suppressed the most come out when the 'social stop' leaves - sometimes items that their mother's said were tabu like: don't go naked, don't talk about sex, turn a blind eye to X, we don't talk about those things, etc were dictates without explanation so have been suppressed all their lives for social reasons & now it's free rein to do so - if her mother was either very strict or repressive then you & your dad are reaping that crop

I had a great aunt who was so lady like she wore white gloves shopping with never a swear word but in her last weeks in hospital she swore enough to make a sailor blush - her family said she made up for 89 years & she said all the swear words that she suppressed in that time

This doesn't help much but occationally when mom would say things that happened when I was there I could say that it wasn't how I remembered & we would discuss things then she would drop it - asking 'when did this happen', 'who else was there', 'what did they do about it', 'why didn't you say something at the time' etc can stop these memories but only about 10% of time -

I call them 'chinese menu' memories with something from row A, something from row B etc that now come together as a new distorted memory [that can include data from movies or things others have told them] - some of the questions above may take them out of that loop otherwise it becomes a worse/larger story or at least stop it from mushrooming bigger

Your dad [& possibly you too] is in denial about her situation & needs to talk to a professional about it - when my mom first came into my care [after she wore out my dad then 89] then weeks later I made an appointment with a psycologist & she gave me insight into what her behaviour was & would become - I feel that session of one on one gave me a lot - I never felt guilty about some on the necessary things I had to do nor did I ever take what was happening personally - my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner as I would have proceeded slightly differently on past encounters but her guidance kept me from stewing about them too much

I would ask that you have a caregiver 24/7 if she is not willing to go to a long term facility. Others can make it that so many lives are hurt while one person is in this position. I am so sorry for your pain. It comes through with your letter and you are among friends on this site. It sounds strange, but humor can do a world of good to add to the situation. What is the woman's name that Dad is dating? Where do they get to go with each other? She probably isn't as fun or pretty as Mom? The humor needs to be added for both your sanity and Dad's. I feel for you.
Warm thoughts,
Kate

Put her in a care facility. This is the "voice of experience" speaking.

I’d start with a psychiatric evaluation and potential trial of meds.
I’d also attempt to encourage your father to consider taking a tour of more than one residential facilities “for the future”.

Google Teepa Snow, an expert on dementia behaviors. She has all topics on utube videos.

The Alzheimer Society offers support groups for caregivers and family members. You and your Father would benefit greatly by attending. Others in similar situations will share with you how they are coping with problems you may be experiencing. Being a caregiver for a loved one with any form of dementia is one of the hardest things there is. You need a good support system or your own health will suffer from the stress of it all. Don't forget to take care of yourself!

She confabulates when expressing those “tall tales” about her husband. This is actually normal for many people who are living with dementia. It is routine, that they try to hurt the ones who love them the most. Please listen, agree, and repeat the confabulation stories back to her as if they were the gospel truth. Her belief in these delusions will never be shattered, so don’t even try. Start keeping a log of her behavior and cover the details in private with her PMP. If she is having hallucinations about her husband doing these terrible acts, she may have Lewy Body Dementia. If so, any antipsychotic stronger than the lowest dose of Seroquel can be very dangerous. There is a world-wide initiative to replace the use of antipsychotics with other types of hands-on caregiving initiatives. These antipsychotic “zombie” drugs are commonly used “off-label” on dementia sufferers world-wide, but that approach sometimes has negative consequences including death. Thank you and your father for what you are doing. Enjoy her every day, because she will soon be entering the severe stage, and then the caregiving will be much more difficult.

Get her seen by a psychiatrist. Her behavior is not normal.

My mother was always a prude and probably cold as ice to my dad in “that way”. Yet when she suffered with dementia in her final years, 90% of her delusions and paranoia were about sex. It was disgusting. It was the only time I basically told her to knock it off. I usually let her have free reign with her delusions and hallucinations, but like you, to hear my mother talk like that was awful. I told her to be a lady and ladies don’t talk like that.

Your mom needs very badly to be evaluated. There are lots of unscrupulous people out there and some day she may get into the wrong car. Plus, her behavior is not normal even for people with dementia who lose their inhibitions. Please take her to a geriatric psychiatrist and have her tested.

Separate, separate, separate ... separation is essential. Your dad is being inwardly tormented hearing negative dark and brooding accusations (if untrue) constantly.
It sounds like your mom has Alzheimer/Dementia which seems to bring on this ugly type behavior. Although (in my case) my mom’s Dementia has brought out that which has always been there. Save your dad from that acid environment. Make it happen. Create him a “safe” place in the home if your Mom cannot be placed in a facility. Get dad to Adult Day Care. Get ear plugs. Play his music on a personal contraption that has an ear piece. She will merely get worse.

Oh, BTW: She slowly killing your dad with stress. At first read I thought the three of you lived together. The same still holds true. But in addition, your dad needs to stop being an enabler and realize she is the woman he married & at the same time she is NOT the woman he married.

I think the first thing you need to do is have a professional evaluation of your mom. Does she have a psychiatric disability or does she have dementia/Alzheimer's? That would determine what medication she should be on. Maybe a combination. I have bipolar disorder myself, so I know first-hand that psychiatric dysfunction is treated very effectively with medication. Seroquel may not be the most effective medication for her if it is psychiatric either. Sometimes it takes time and trial and error to find the right medication. Your father needs to understand that taking medication is not an admission of weakness, it gives you the strength to create a balanced life. That was a hard learned lesson for me, because I was in and out of mental hospitals almost all my adult life. I am 61 now. I kept going off my meds because I didn't want to be dependent on them. If you have an illness, any illness, taking medicine to correct it is OK. We don't think twice about taking high blood pressure meds or diabetes meds. We have a double standard when it comes to taking meds for mental illness, which is a chemical imbalance, just like anything else. Good luck. I hope your mom gets better.

I completely understand and relate to your feelings of hurt and frustration. Dementia pays no attention to how old one is when the symptoms begin. Dementia is as bad for the family of a loved one as it is for the patient.

The things the patient say are far away from the truth. My mom did the same thing about her second husband and two of his three kids. These are delusions and she may even hallucinate, which takes it to the next level. My mom had hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. She was even getting violent, which is not the real her. It typically comes from them being afraid and not able to fully process and verbalize their fears. I realized this after looking throu my mom’s files. I found a copy of a letter that she wrote to her cousin saying that her greatest fear was becoming like her mom who also had dementia. Finding that letter made me realize that on some level, she knew she had dementia (she has both Alzheimers and vascular dementias). Understanding that helped me deal with the out breaks of behavior that was not my mom.

As for playing along...I was told that and read that too but I just could not play along with what she was saying. She thought that I was going to jail! I refused to play along with that. She also said horrible grotesque things about her second husband...I never really liked him but knew he was not alive and trying to kill my mom. One thing that helped a lot with the murderous gorry comments was I realized she would insert herself in to Fox News channels news reports. So, when she was at dinner one evening, I went to her room (she was at assisted living then) and blocked all 24 hour news stations. That helped tremendously! So, if she is watching things like that, block those channels. Redirect her as many times as you can, otherwise just don’t respond and when she gets mad, just leave or walk out of the room. Its so hard to not take things personally...I am the same way.

First thing you really need to address is her being a flight risk (taking off out of the house). Add a chain lock or some kind of lock up high so she cannot reach it. That will prevent her opening the door and leaving the house, dressed or not. When she refuses to put clothing on is a tough one. While dementia patients can be so stubborn and difficult, just remember, its not the mom you know. Try to convince her that its time to get dressed. Redirect her by asking what color she likes and ask her to help pick out something to wear. Look for videos by Teepa Snow on youtube. She is brilliant with showing how to redirect and why it works as well as so much more info about dementia patients. She explains it extremely well. Since she has a caretaker, she might respond better to them gett8ng her dressed than you. The sexual charged behavior is basically her “filter,” the one that gives us common sense and good behavior, does not work anymore.

Lastly, Seroquel is a medication to help with bipolar and schizophrenia, not dementia. It does help with sleep too. If she isn’t seeing a doctor that has a lot of knowledge with dementia, try to find a geriatrician (doctor for old people). They know a lot more than a family practitioner or general doctor. Some more common medications that are used are:
Donepezil (Aricept)
Galantamine (Razadyne, Razadyne ER, Reminyl)
Rivastigmine (Exelon)

Do keep in mind that whatever medication is used will likely say that it is not for use with dementia patients because it may increase the possibility of a stroke. I asked the doctor in the hospital about that for my mom and she said that at this point in her like, we are not looking at quantity of life but we are looking at quality of life. Dementia will take our loved one at some point but if it can calm them and make whats left of their life better, then that’s what we want.

Lastly, know that you are not alone in how it hurts to see your mom going throught this horrible disease. Find a support group. There are several good ones on Facebook.

If you are not satisfied with the doctor's answer, seek a specialist in dementia for an evaluation. The current medication may not be the right one for her. The naked and sex type thing is not unusual. My aunt liked to grab my breast, hard, when I bent over to fasten her seat belt. She would giggle when I detached her hand and said NO. My uncle went skinny dipping in the neighbor's pool. I wish I could get away with that! Sex is a primitive drive, like eating and sleeping. Dementia can remove the social inhibition normally present. You have seen drunk people's behavior-- same thing. The constant talking, yes I've seen that too. I keep thinking please just shut up, please just one minute of silence, please!
Can you get your dad alone to have a talk about the situation? Having multiple talks may result in him seeing that he should take different action than he is taking now. It seems that her safety is now at stake. Maybe if you bring that up with dad he will change his mind. You can be supportive of him and ready to help when he decides to do something. In the end, it is his decision what he does and puts up with in his marriage. You wouldn't take it well if someone interfered in your marriage because they thought you husband was being mean to you.
You might want to see where dad is with cognition. The first sign I saw with each relative was the development of bad judgment.