I took in my mom from not being taken care of properly. Since I got her she's always complaining about everything I do or downgrades me..She will start arguements with me for no reason and when I walk away she is once again happy and acts like things are fine..She can still do some things for her self and some days she puts on a act like she can't..I need help in figuring out what I can do with her for the two weeks I am leaving..I don't want her alone with my son.. I won't put that on him
Since your profile says she has depression, maybe. that's why she's so negative? Does she have dementia too?
Time to calmly stand up to her and tell her to stop complaining about everything you do. "Mom, that's enough complaining. You know what they say, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.". Something like that?
Do not engage in arguments. She can throw the first verbal punch and you can say "OK mom, that's not nice so I'm walking away now". And walk away. And do NOT argue with her.
I'm sure there are better ways to phrase what I'm suggesting. But it might be time to calmly and consistently stand up for yourself and not respond to her negativity.
If you can't find a place to take her, you could have your son stay elsewhere for the 2 weeks and find an in-home helper to stay with you.
Either way, good that you're getting away.
What other housing options are available?
Have you arranged for a needs assessment for Mum?
But for now, Mum has to go into a respite facility while you are away. And she has to pay for it from her own funds.
Next you need to put boundaries in place. Stand strong and firm and make it clear that her behaviour is not acceptable and she will be leaving if she does not change.
Depression is no excuse for her behaviours.
Be very clear, Mum, my house my rules. If you do not like it, move out, if you do not stop complaining, I will evict you.
My MIL is a total trainwreck of bad emotions. One of which is open-ended hatred, for people who have crossed her or made her mad. (everybody)
She is on good terms with her daughter and so poor SIL has 100% of MIL's care on her. SIL is not blind to the manipulations, etc., but she certainly doesn't see them clearly. I quit being in MIL's life over a year ago and while DH will heave a big, sorrowful sigh when the guilt gets him and he goes to see her--I will NOT go with him. 44+ years of her increasing anger and hate have made me realize I do not have to have her in my life.
I learned to walk away from arguments. I learned that DH would not stand up for me, nor support me one iota.
I am really sorry, actually that we couldn't at least be friends. But we can't. When someone looks at you and says "I hate you" there's not a good rebuttal. Just get out of their lives.
My own mom is a little this way, but since I can drive her places, she is less 'cruel' and is aware that I can, and have, stayed away from her for a year at a time.
It is really sad, and I'm sad for both of them. They are missing out on the many progeny that they have and they don't seem to care--except for one or two ggrand kids, neither of these women even know the names of my grands.
We may want to change that dynamic, but we cannot take someone's agency away that allows them to choose to be angry, mean and selfish. We also DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT!
Good Luck--enjoy your respite and I hope you get some help with establishing boundaries.
Perhaps it's time to be looking into having her move into an assisted living facility, or senior housing, where she will be around other folks her own age.
Your mom is not your responsibility you know. Never has been, never will be. Your only responsibility is to yourself, your husband and your son. So why don't you now do what's best for the 3 of you, and get mom out.
If she doesn't have the money, then she will have to apply for Medicaid, as you and your family are not responsible for her financially either.
And in the meantime, there are some facilities that do offer respite care. Just make sure that mom pays for that herself.
Best wishes in getting this mess taken care of.
There are Assisted Livings that will do respite care as well as NHs. I think there was a poster who placed her Mom in an AL while they were away and the Mom loved it and was able to stay.
You don't make any mention of your mom having dementia. So a different action for her behavior is called for.
She is living in YOUR house and will respect YOU and YOUR family and YOUR rules. No exceptions.
Remind her of this as much as is necessary. Then make yourself very plain that if she continues with the constant complaining, downgrading you, and instigating fights that you WILL REFUSE to allow her to continue living in YOUR home and will put her in a facility.
Here is what you will do for the two weeks you're going away.
If there's no one willing to take her in and assume the caregiving responsibilities for her she will have to be put in facility respite care. Medicare will pay for I believe 7 days of in facility respite care. The remainder of the time will have to be paid for by her or you.
Let her refuse to go all she wants. Do it anyway if there's no one to take her in for that time. She'll get over it. It also might be a real eye-opener for her too that will make her reconsider her behavior towards you in your house.
eat properly. Mom is not doing these things on purpose.
Stop insisting medication is bad and walking, exercise and eating well will fix every problem a person has. Yes they are all good things to do. But most people here have parents who are beyond that. Your "advice" is like telling a cancer patient to just think happy thoughts and go for a walk instead of getting chemo. Chemical and hormonal imbalances are REAL and medication is needed for them. Sitting out in the sunshine doesn't fix a chemical imbalance.
Stop guilt-tripping people here. If you think a person is terrible for placing their elder in a facility, then maybe you should volunteer to be their 24/7 caregiver? Most people here who place their parents don't do it without some heartache.
You have every right to an opinion of course, but your "advice" is not only uninformed, it's dangerous.
That said, you are probably seeing now why your sister had such difficulty with your mother. Some people are so toxic that they need to live in managed care environments where others who are not relatives look after them. You may need to explore such senior care residences in the near future. For the time being, you can look into respite care for mom for the 2 weeks you are gone; you can place her in an Assisted Living Facility for that period of time you're gone. That's also a good trial run for the future to see how she'd like living in such an environment permanently. My mother has lived in AL since 2014 and she's liked it a lot. The activities and social aspects of life are phenomenal, not to mention the hotel-like atmosphere that prevails. Those that tell you about 'homes' being so horrible are just spinning stories, trust me. Call around to some local ALs and see if they have room for mom for the 2 weeks you're gone. On HER dime, of course.
Please keep in mind the comfort and happiness of your family as you decide how to proceed with your mother. My grandmother lived with us when I was a kid and it totally destroyed our home and my childhood; my mother was fighting with her constantly and the climate in the house was horrible as a result. Nobody was happy; grandma, mom, me, dad........nobody. In retrospect, mom should have placed grandma in AL or into a SNF but martyred herself instead, at everyone's expense. I vowed long ago that I wouldn't be taking ANY elders into my home and to this day, I haven't. I still do a LOT for my mother (and my dad when he was alive), but there's no hands-on caregiving going on in my home, which is how I want it to be. We all have a better relationship for it in the long run.
Wishing you the best of luck creating the type of home environment that works best for YOU and your family.
If this is the case you sit her down and tell her point blank that you are not going to tolerate arguments, bullying behavior, negative comments about you, or any other member of the household.
If she continues to do so you will ask her to leave.
For your vacation I suggest that you look for Assisted Living facility that will take her for "Respite" I did that for / with my Husband when I needed to take a vacation. He did pretty well for the 2 weeks and he had dementia.
Bonus is IF you do have to find a place for m om the place you chose for the respite stay will be one that knows your mom and she knows the place.
If she truly can not care for herself and you no longer want to do so you, she can find Senior Housing that might work well for her. (if the Assisted Living is not going to work) If she needs help with some things a caregiver can come in a few days a week.