My Mom is obsessive and can't be distracted or redirected...

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My Mom is obsessive and can't be distracted or redirected...

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We have kept, maintained and visited my parents lake home since my Dad passed 3 years ago. Mom moved in with me right after Dad passed and in early stages of her dementia. We would regularly return to my parents home on a lake for weekend visits, holidays, etc. and enjoy our time home without issue when it was time to leave. Mom is now in Memory Care since late last fall.

We went back to the lake for a week this past Christmas and once we returned, there has been a significant decline in Mom's communication, delusions have started, her personality has changed, and she is obsessive compulsive about multiple things. Obsessive about my sisters wedding that isn't planned but she says it is, doctor appointments that we have already had, her teeth, and the lake.

She has become agitated and verbal about her hate for her Memory Care home and says she is going to stay at the lake as soon as I take her there. It has become the only thing she talks about and is angry and mean about it.

I discussed with her doctor and he recommends that I do not take her back to the lake. He says it will be too difficult for her to come and go like we used to. I explained how this is literally the ONLY thing she talks about and how do I manage not taking her? His suggestion was to tell her the house burned down or we sold it!

My Mom is not the typical dementia patient that I can distract her or she will forget about - she is OBSESSED about her lake home and to tell her that it burned down seems more harmful than taking her there. Telling her it burnt down would only turn into another obsession about seeing it and fixing it.

Has anybody experienced dealing with dementia obsessions or similar? My sister and I said we would rather try to explain to her that she has dementia vs. telling her their beloved lake home and legacy burnt to the ground or had to be sold.

Have you told your loved one they are sick?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Memory Care

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I think your doctor is an idiot! What an unhelpful suggestion that will clearly only cause her more agitation & upset. I don’t think telling her she is sick is good either though everyone is different & until you try you won’t know the ramifications.
Have you tried telling her you’ll take her to the lake tomorrow, end of next week or whatever time frame that you know she’ll forget within?
My Mum too is obsessive, mostly with constantly eating anything sweet & today has been constant nagging for sweets, biscuits or chocolate. She ended up trying to eat a wet wipe!! Such a tough disease isn’t it. Blessings to you & your family xxx

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“I think your doctor is an idiot “Ha Ha. 😂

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Apologies for calling your GP an idiot. I do appreciate that they are not dementia experts but I wish they would signpost to experts rather than giving such advice xxx

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I would try to consult with a doctor who is more informed about the treatment of people who have dementia. Do you think this one understood the full picture?

I ask because, It's not uncommon for patients who have dementia to become or grow more confused, agitated, resistant, insistent, etc. as their condition progresses. It's not something that is odd with dementia, but, common and even expected.

IMO, that's why there are professionals who are specifically trained to manage their care. So, I'd discuss what you are experiencing with your mother with the MC staff. What are they seeing with her? What works best for her? And, would medication help her with her agitation? That's why, I'd find a doctor who is more familiar with this kind of patient and their care.

Mental distress is just as painful as physical pain, imo, and that's why special care must be taken. Plus, does the doctor not know that mother would likely forget whatever you say about the lake house burning and the news would need to be repeated over and over. Each time the pain would be horrible for her.

And, I would be surprised if she were able to process the information that she is ill and not able to visit the lake house. When, the brain is damaged, the patient often is not able to process or retain it, so, it would likely make her angry, suspicious and confused.

But, family members try different things. I say go with whatever works. Often, a repeated excuse, such as, we're getting the house ready, new roof going on, spraying for insects, driveway being fixed, etc. will delay until the point that she will forget about it and stop asking. Most of the time, that phase does pass. But, until it does, it may be just be a thing that has to addressed at each visit. And, if she believes that she will return to live there, what's the harm of allowing her that fantasy?

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I agree, Mom needs a more qualified doctor and meds. This is like an anxiety. It not goid for them to be anxious all the time. Its also time for a little fibbing. I agree, its not good at this point to take Mom to the lakehouse. The next time she may not be easy to get back to the MC. When she says something just go along with her. Say, "when we can get thd time off. Just too much going on now".

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not to mention how she may not willingly get back in the car once there! We have enough hassle on this end with my mom refusing to go to get her hair washed or nails filed.

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My FIL is quite obsessive as well. Imagine if you KNOW something but feel it slipping away so you do everything you can to hold on to it. I imagine dementia is like that everyday and as the pieces start to slip more, they become more agitated. He was obsessed with going back to his house (where they lived for over 60 years, so it was one of his longest memories) to the point he was writing ugly notes (that were broken sentences and one could barely understand).

We would tell tell him we were busy or we had to come home and cook for our son, whatever it took, to beg out and leave. You can’t tell them any different and if you do, it leads to arguing which is upsetting for everyone. My husband still has issues with “therapeutic lies,” but is coming around. The more we can do to make him less agitated, the better for everyone.

I would not not tell her burned down, just do what you’ve been doing- telling her you’re busy, etc - but then leave (with some excuse about somewhere you have to go. She will eventually stop and focus on the next obsession. For as upsetting as it is for you, it’s equally or more so for her. I told my husband I imagine dementia as riding in a car at 150mph trying to count telephone poles and calculate the number of poles per mile while still counting. The world moves too fast for them to process, so they obsess over trivial things.

I often wonder if FIL from 10 years ago would be appalled at his behavior now. Obsessive, demanding, argumentative, etc. Doesn’t care if he turns out world upside down to have his needs met because his needs must be met now, much like a toddler. I hate this disease.

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Yes tried that. Found that mom cant really understand that.
Its extremly frustrating to explain anything since she has no short term memory
I am only starting to realize the depths of change that have happened in my mom's mind
There is no reasoning with her anymore
She went to assisted living a month ago, not happy and cant be reasoned with. I think the mistake on our part is dealing with the parent we knew, not who they have become.
It is now like dealing with a small child, patience, love and staying the course.

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You are spot on with that: you’re used to dealing with the parent, not who they’ve become. This was SO hard for my husband and his siblings. My husband came around first because we lived with him. His siblings though! They would often call or text “Dad wants xyz” or “sad doesn’t like such and such.” Eventually I got to the point that I listened and then did what I had to do. If I dropped everything every time he said such things, all I would do is cater to him. It even went as far as moving furniture (where I drew the line). They didn’t realize he is no longer the same person. His daughter said the other day, “I have to work myself up for visits.” Honey, how do you think it is for me? You come for a week and then back to your life you go. Try living it when you’re the one he’s constantly bombarding, lol!
I wish I could say it gets better. It doesn’t, it just becomes different. That obsession will get replaced with a different behavior. Crappy disease this is...

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I don't know where to start since I deal with most of this daily and there seems to be No pattern in it. So, let's start with the worst of it. Trying to tell your Mom she has Dem is just going to cause more problems. Since she is in mid stage, akin to the terrible 2's for kids and the absolute worst stage to deal with, she's going to ramp it up if you try to explain how bad her Dem really is. Next is her obsessive actions recently. Like my Mom, it comes and goes with what her focus is. For the last 6 months, she "sweeps" the carpet with erh slippers constantly because of the footprints left when you walk on them. She says it's disgusting looking but for the last 2 weeks that has waned in place of her wanting to smoke again. She hasn't smoked in 6 mo. Then there's the case of her driving. The car is gone and she hasn't driven in 4 years. Trying to divert incites a verbal tie-raid, the same about not smoking. Telling her the house is gone won't matter just like trying to divert the conversation. Just go about doing what you do with her when you're out with her and ignore when she brings it up. Don't try to explain it away and don't get hot when you respond if she keeps it up after an hour. Just be flat in your response that you don't have the time to talk about it at the moment; then leave. It's all part of the disease and it runs it's course. You just have to find a way to deal with it or distract yourself from the situation.

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Once had a client obsessed with cleanliness of her home...no dementia. She used a stolen sheet (hospital name on the borders LOL) and spread it out OVER the emerald green plush carpet. Vacuuming was to be in one direction ONLY....so no lines...so one would have to pick the vacuum up and go to the other side...

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You can't tell her that she has dementia. It will not compute the right way. She won't understand, believe you or she's fine.
We try not ever lie to Mother. To tell your mom the lake house burned down would be awful for her. Tell her the truth.
Fear and paranoid episodes are common with dementia. At her stage she will hold to what she remembers, usually long term. The places & times that were secure, common, memory, safe...Always point out what a great beautiful place it is she lives, how safe it is, etc. I wouldn't mention about the lake house.
Hallucinations & dellusions are typical but can be managed with the right meds but as little meds as possible. Her feeling safe is key. With dementia any past traumas or fearful episodes will surface.
As you go you will see how to work WITH her. Never try to manipulate or deliberately lie. Tell the truth, be mild with it, but be consistant. And it's ok to remind her what she had desired though she doesn't remember. If she's insistant, then say that we'll have to work on it or plan it, etc. Keeping things in the future most of the time works because she won't remember.
Blessings

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sometimes helps in communicating to use as few, and as simple, words as necessary to get the point out.

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I agree with you and several others. Do not tell her it burned down. It wouldn't help this issue and would devastate her.. my dad was the same way with his farm. It's hard to deal with. Explaining to her she has dementia would also be counterproductive. There is no reasoning. Just give an excuse and move on. I dont think it's bad to take her there if possible though. It might relieve her anxiety temporarily. But I believe lying to her about the home would be unnecessarily cruel and she would then obsess about fixing it. Let her plan. That's all she really has left. Take her to the lake if you can or just put it off....tomorrow, next week etc.

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Oy. I feel for you. I'm not sure what I think about what the MD said. And you cannot divert her attention. Can we take something used for the car issues and twist it to work for a home? That something is wrong and it is being worked on? That way no harsh feelings toward you for selling it, no upset at it's destruction...maybe you found an insect infestation? Maybe storm damage?
My guess is as that the dementia continues and life goes on, she will lose memory and this may fade away. For over 25 years my mother volunteered at a local hospice resale shop, every Weds AM. It was a very long time before the routine stopped. They actually closed the shop and she would get up, get dressed, and be ready to go with my dad who continually had to tell her it was closed. He even took a picture of the outside with the sign that said FOR RENT on it and had it developed to show her.
In my support group I know there are numerous people who have gone through an assessment with their family member and some have told them they have the illness. My mom is considerably older and was not assessed until age 94 or 95. Officially. The dx was never discussed. To what end? She sees herself as quite competent though all important tasks are no longer being done by her. In her mind she does. That gets rather annoying to me who has taken it all on...it's an interesting disease. I hope it works out for you...

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Oh yes, the "tomorrow" "day after tomorrow" etc...great ideas. When my elder folks went to visit my sister in FL a few years back, before we realized what the hell was going on, the trip going went fine...but the change in environment, activity...in spite of being with the beloved good daughter was not good...and mom...WANTED TO GO HOME. Repeatedly. Only by chance after showing her the calendar and when that would be, which further contributed oh no, I have to go home...did my sister hit on "the day after tomorrow". That worked.

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I agree with everyone who has said not to explain that she has dementia. It doesn't help them understand, is only upsetting. My mother is in denial most of the time, and the only times she seems aware of having memory problems, she says it is just terrible. I think denial is the mind's way of protecting us. In this case it is a blessing.
As to the times she wants to go to the lake house, have you tried reminiscing about happy memories from there? It might work better than trying to redirect her to another topic.

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This is a wonderful idea! “Oh mom! I miss going out there too. We just don’t have time to fit in a Trip right now. What is your favorite thing about being there? I remember one year when Sally was 5 and we thought her how to swim....” or some such thing. And then just be non-committal about when the next trip will be.

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My Mom's Dem. is very similar. I know she is/was obsessed about returning home to N. CA. to be with my brothers. You would think that is all she has as children. There were 3 men, 2 women. My 2nd oldest brother passed 3 yrs. ago and she still says she needs to go see her SONS. I was in process of searching for a home in AZ. when she came to live w/me(siblings could not hang anymore). I knew she might give me a hard time when she came to live w/me. I had 2 bdrms for a long time telling her she had a bedroom w/me anytime she wanted to visit or move in w/me. Nope! I am really not her choice, but she really does have the best care w/me.
After a lot of repeating things about how we are not close to them anymore, she has calmed down on saying those things. Every once/while she will say, the bed, the bedroom are not hers. :/ But when she does ask when we are going to visit them? I say, I cannot Mom, there are too many miles between us now. It would take us 22 hrs to go to CA. THEN she seems to accept it, only after almost 2 yrs!

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Hi, I can totally understand her obsession. My mom gets obsessed about my brother getting married. My nephew got married a year ago which she went to but she still thinks that her son is getting married. So what we did is we wrote a little 3 x 5 card and when the subject comes up she reads it. It explains briefly that David is already married and his son got married and there’s no weddings coming up. That quiets her down for a while. So try writing a little simple card that explains things in an easy way for her to understand. You’ll have to make up a story about the Lakehouse that satisfies her and write that down. Good luck! Hang in there.

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We do something similar but we use a whiteboard and keep it near dad’s chair. We write the answers/explanations to “the Top Ten” questions/obsessions. We change it as needed. It really has helped.

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Unfortunately this is the elements of a broken mind. My SIL knows that she has Alzheimer's, but she keeps forgetting that she has it. Her 3 adult children are, to much extent, in denial. Her one daughter is needed the most for her VERY ill mother, but she prefers to indulge in boob jobs, drugs, 42 going on 19, having a 17 y. o. who started using - but "She doesn't want to talk about any of it."

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You can tell her, but it won't change the broken thoughts in her head. She will probably forget that you told her anyway, so why have the conversation? You are still in the mindset of trying to reason and her brain as slipped past that. Don't frustrate yourself arguing and trying to explain things in order to clear up what she is thinking because from her perspective, her thoughts are as real as yours are. Go with the flow.
As for the wedding that isn't, just agree with her thoughts on the matter. It's not hurting anything. Maybe buy some wedding magazines and tell her to circle things that your sister might be interested in or that she thinks are pretty. You never know, if your sister plans a wedding in the future - perhaps your mom's magazine could add something from her to the big day!
Where the lake is concerned, I think even if you told her it burned, tomorrow she won't remember that conversation. Clearly that place has memories left in her head and if she wants to be there, must be good memories. When she says she wants to go there, go with it - as soon as the dr says you're well enough maybe we can arrange that. I would never tell her something bad happened to the lake house. Think about how sad that is for a healthy mind. I think it's better to have happy conversations (remember when we did this, or that) than to make her sad by saying it's gone forever. Right now, it is still a good place to remember.
Not knowing your ability to go to the lake, is it possible to go more often on the weekends so that she can be in a place she evidently remembers? Is it possible for her to go there for a week or more with a family member? Then return 'as a visit to see so-and-so' back to the facility for a while?
From what I've seen, the short term memory goes first. Long term is last and these patients can remember very minute details about something from long, long ago. If possible, I would suggest to enjoy what she remembers as long as you can.

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I too would be hesitant to use the doctors suggestion, not only does that sound cruel to me it sounds like a whole new can of obsessive worms. A few suggestions, maybe not the doctor you mention but perhaps she should see a doctor that specializes in Elder care or Elder mental health, I don't think the obsessive, compulsive behavior is uncommon (I'm seeing it more and more in my mom too) but it does sound like your mom's is particularly extreme and she might benefit from a medication or perhaps a change in medication. At the very least a professional familiar with this should be able to give you some better tools for dealing with it, I would hate for it to become a problem at MC.

Then depending on her memory and sense of time you might give her time in the future when you will go to the Lake House, after schools out for instance or once my project at work is done, I don't know if it might be helpful or more difficult but consider a photo album or one of those electronic photo frames with photos of family there at the lake and wherever else. that is if you think she might find some joy in revisiting, reliving places and times that way. Will she know and remember a date if you give her one for when you will visit next, is there something that could come along and interfere? If you told her you all just made a trip to the lake a few weeks ago would she buy that?

As far as hating MC, was she on board with moving there in the first place, did she have any part in choosing the facility? I'm looking for some ownership or reason for her to want to be there she could be gently reminded of. Maybe Dad's last wish was that she be safe and not alone... Is she a social person, would getting her more involved in activities at MC help? Again maybe it's more a matter of breaking her obsession about MC and if medication isn't available to help with that maybe backing off on your visits for a couple of weeks will help re-set her for lack of a better term. Re-setting or giving her time to move on to different obsession might be the only thing to try too and out of sight out of mind might help with that. Or perhaps fining something else for her to obsess about not that I have any ideas about what that could be. Do they allow pets? Good luck, this sounds like a tough one to be dealing with and I'm sorry you are but don't loose track of how much you have given your mom too with the extra time she got to spend with her family at the lake because you made that happen.

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Thank you! Mom actually met with a new doctor today and I have a call with the doctor tomorrow. The responses to this post have been so helpful and I appreciate the time people have taken to share

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Dementia and Alzheimer's is a very difficult disease to accept and live with. I experienced similar with my mother with hatred and anger that left me no option but to keep my distance for a period of time. My mother is in a Personal Care Home with Alzheimer's dementia. Through time I have learned that it is not a good idea to take them to their past but rather allow them time to adapt to their new environment. It takes a lot of time and patience. With dementia, removing them from their present environment only increases their confusion, and anger. For some they know the part of life they want to return to but are not able to comprehend the part that they are no longer capable of safe living independently. I have learned you cannot tell them they cannot do something, as it only increases their anger and combativeness as in their mind they are battling between where they were, where they are and where they want to be. I have found it best to tell them, in time, and once you are a little stronger and better. Once the doctor feels you are well enough. Do not tell them that their house burned or was sold. That is a very bad idea. Their home is the last thing they can hold on to as being their own. They worked their life for it and it is the last thing you want to take away from them. Not saying not to sell it, just don't tell them. Really avoid taking them back to their past as it only makes them more angry. My mother would wait for me to visit and physically and verbally abuse me. She knew she was deteriorating and was her way of fighting what was happening to her. My dad died, I work, and I tried to keep her in her home but living miles away could not keep up the pace and worry. It took a year in the personal care home and would be a good idea to get your loved one in house counseling with a psychiatrist or social worker who specializes in such. Anti-depressants help! It is a rough road but in time things will get easier. They just need to be allowed the time to adjust with the help of counseling and meds. Eventually they become comfortable with their new environment. We, as children, sometimes have difficulty letting go of the past and the way things were and the relationship we had. The most humane thing we can do for them is allow them to adapt. In the beginning I tried to keep my mom in connection with family, events, and such. I found that it only increased her anxiety, frustration, anger and confusion. Any change in routine for a dementia or Alzheimer afflicted does more harm than good. Things do not get better but for them they become comfortable and secure in their new environment. They begin to forget the past they lived and live for now. Their life becomes happier without reminders of their past. Take time to read and be counseled on dementia and/or Alzheimer's and it will allow you the ability to give yourself and your parent peace. Wishing you the best!

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Yes. This is what I tell my husband. “When you are feeling better we can do that”

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Yes. My DH is 63 and has early onset Dementia he has always been an obsessive person. I see that now.Also extremely anxiety Before he became ill he poured this into work. No hobbies, friends of his own or activities. Not even his children. Just work. Things had to be a certain way. The house and garden had to be perfect. It had to be envied. So therefore the work work work. However, his major obsession Me and I had to be always working. The mobile phone became the stuff of nightmares

now it is just the same but about food. What (he thinks) he can eat and what he can’t. When will the meal be ready? A restaurant he saw or saw an ad for. You think he has forgotten but then it pops up again. Nothing can turn him away from the subject. Truly maddening

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I live in assisted living because I became disabled and can't walk but I am the fish out of water. At nearly 86, my mind is like a photographic memory and getting better because of my constant daily challenges - I still work at two jobs and love them, 50 years and l4 years; I just finished six years of online college courses a few months ago; still have another year of computer school lessons to go; handle all of my own affairs; I am involved in all kinds of challenging hobbies and activities; I make it a daily goal to learn about at least one new subject of interest on my computer; I have written half of my book; I go swimming and drive and go out to eat by myself. There is not a soul here who is like me and I am very lonely so I belong to discussion forums on the computer and learn so much and love it; and I go out of the facility and meet new friends which is working. Living here I see nothing but feeble old people and almost all have dementia. From experience and observation, I have come to one conclusion. I understand fully the anger and frustration of being away from home and in a facility - not everyone is like me - motivated and still doing all the things I did at age 30 (well, at 75 when I became disabled, I had to give up shoveling snow, cutting my big lawn and raking the leaves - I was heartbroken) - so they lash out and demand to go home, etc. Talking sweetly and explaining things their minds will never absorb, is useless. Yes, a few times in the beginning do this with kindness but when it does not stop, and the obsessions and bad behaviors and verbal outbursts continue, stop and immediately put them in their place and let them know in no uncertain terms what they are doing is unacceptable, you will not tolerate it and stop - or else. They won't remember but you will release the horrible stress building up in you before YOU explode. Then if they don't stop the bad behavior at once, get up, walk away and leave. Say good bye - and stay away for quite a while. Keep repeating this and you will be surprised, eventually it will stop and there can be peace. I learned this after being so angry and frustrated and I no longer have the problems. Believe me - it works.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your perspective is unique and I so appreciate it. I have actually responded like that to Mom once before and the immediate guilt was horrible but you are right when you say it will stop. The behavior that caused me to react poorly has stopped. When Mom is mean or nasty to me she will call to apologize later- which is confusing. If it were just the disease causing to act that way how does she know it was mean and worthy of an apology?
Wishing you health and happiness - thanks again

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My husband has always been obsessive about our house out in the country to the point it has put us in a precarious financial condition. He would not let go of it and after he could no long work, we went through our savings. I didn’t realize he was already making horrible decisions not based in reality. I’m 64 and will have to keep working until at least 70 now. But I allowed his daughter to take him out there while I was out of town, and he’s more obsessed than ever. I have it in escrow to sell, and keep telling him that we are never living there again. Some mornings he says he’s going to walk there (30 miles). This all sucks the big one.

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I am in the same boat only my husband is obsessed with selling our home. He has also become agitated with me in particular. He continues to tell me I undermine him on everything. He’s become hostile toward me and I can’t tell u how much this hurts me. He became aggressive toward me to the point I called his doctor. The advice I’ve been given from this site is
1. He’s no longer the person u knew
2. U r now his caregiver, not his wife
3. U must set aside ur feelings
4. U must redirect his anger
5. Try very hard not to lose patience

and the list list goes on. He also believes that the 2 silent strokes he had r the only reason he can’t remember. He says he does not have dementia.

i honestly don’t know who is more affected by this disease - the individual or the caregiver. It seems so unfair that u plan a lifetime with someone for 50 years only to have him not know u. It’s killing us both

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I am so sorry. I can’t imagine going they this with a spouse., so heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your insight- it was very helpful. Wishing you peace

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Thanks everyone. My Mom is also engaging in similar behavior -- she constantly asks for my Dad who she still thinks is in respite with her at the nursing home. He has been home for weeks and not comfortable with visiting her. We keep making excuses for why she has not seen him, since she is afraid of being there alone although she is doing well there.
I have used all the techniques you have suggested (not the grand lies suggested by the doctor).
m

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My Mom is obsessive and can't be distracted or redirected...

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