My mom has suffered with anxiety and depression her entire life. She is being treated by a Dr. However, she recently fell and broke her leg and had 2 surgeries. She lives alone and is non weight baring on the fractured leg for 2 months and has been confined to the home which has made her more irritable and depressed. Often times getting angry with me and lashing out to the point that I have to leave. She now tells me she cannot afford her bills anymore and wants to sell her home. But doesn't tell me what her plan is. She has a 2nd mortgage on the home and is barely making ends meet. Do I need to get a lawyer to sort out her financial issues? She does not tell me everything but she did say she has been using credit cards to pay for house repairs. I'm concerned not only for her mental health but now I'm concerned about her financial issues and decision making with wanting to sell her home.
My caution is that there will be no help for Mom if you are all the help, and I doubt you will get ANY thanks for it. I am pretty realistic in how quickly things can go south, because at 80 I have seen so much travel in that general direction. Wishing you the best.
Meanwhile give Mom the phone numbers of every single senior asset in your community from Meals on Wheels on down.
Good luck.
Her failure to plan does not constitute an emergency for you.
Choices have consequences and you don't really want to have to suffer her consequences. From what you have said, you will become a statistic if you move her in to your home and then she will end up in a facility, without an advocate.
That she listens to your sister to her own detriment and has you stepping and fetching is a HUGE taste of what will be your existence. Notice I didn't say life? Yeah, because you won't have one. You will exist to serve her and her BS.
Go to www.nelf.org to find a certified elder law attorney. Take all of moms paperwork, mortgages, CC stmts, just everything and ask them what MOM needs to do to ensure she qualifies for public assistance because she can't live alone or handle her affairs any longer.
Be an advocate, NOT a solution.
As others have said, be an advocate for her but do not be her solution to her problem.
If Mom lands in the hospital again, allow the discharge people to find Mom a rehab. And if Moms leg doesn't heal right or has a problem with standing, do not let her blame you. Tell Mom that it was Sister who claimed she was in a NH and Mom chose to leave. So, since she thinks sister knows better than sister can help her.
I am 72 yrs old and my DH is 75. My 2 girls are under 45. I think my husband and I are very capable of selling our house. When she sells the house, that mortgage will be paid off at closing leaving Mom with what is left.
There is really not much you can do. Mom is not incompetent just not good with money.
You can only help her if she cooperates or you are her DPoA and she either gives you permission to manage her affairs or has too much cognitive decline to function in her own best interests. You would need to read the wording in the PoA document to see if you need 1 (or more) diagnosis of incapacity. If you are a Durable PoA you might not need any diagnosis, just her permission.
If she cooperates (and even if you're not her PoA) then make an appointment with an accountant who can sort through the mess and tell her where she's at and what it would take for her to improve her financial situation (or at least get clarity on it, and get it under control). She may need to file bankruptcy and I don't know the consequences of that in regards to her Medicaid qualification in the future.
So, you're sort of in a loop with her: she needs to cooperate and provide full transparency of her financial spending/debts in order to start sorting it out. If she doesn't cooperate, it may be because of her depression, or she has cognitive/memory impairment, which means you will either need to activate your PoA or convince her to assign you as her DPoA. Her "not telling you everything" can also be interpreted as her not remembering things or being confused by it.
Would she be willing to see her doctor regarding her depression and possible meds to address it? If she is willing to go such an appointment, go with a pre-written note that you discretely hand to the staff telling the doctor your concerns about her cognitive/memory problems and to give her a cognitive/memory test so that it gets into her record and you know what you're dealing with. Also ask them to test her for a UTI, just to discount it. Pick a place to start with your mom, as this is not going to solve itself. You can always contact APS if she never cooperates. I wish you much success in making headway.
Our DPOAs are valid for one another but, for our secondary there must be 2 specialist that diagnose inability/incompetence to safely function without intervention.
Mom needs to be transparent. You need to know how she stands with her mortgage, her credit cards, her bank accounts. Is she paying her taxes? I would freeze her credit cards at this point, especially if you can't trust sister. No more spending and try to get balance down. Be aware that the minimum payment covers more on the interest side than the principle. So the more you can throw against the balances the better. Once you know where Mom stands financially you can go from there.
Mom is only 75 but u never know when Medicaid will be needed. In most states there is a 5yr look back. Medicaid requires that a home be sold at Market Value. So make sure it sells at a good price. Pay everything off if possible. Of course taxes and water are always the first thing that needs to be paid. If she makes a profit, secure the money someway. Something allowing her to withdraw maybe monthly but that sister cannot get to. Like an annuity. You set up what your withdrawal will be monthly.
Now, its where will Mom go. In my area there are HUD apartments which require 30% of your monthly income for rent. They have elevators, maybe transportation, activities. Then there are low income 55 and up apartments. I would check these out prior to the sale and get her name on the list. Do not consider allowing her to move in unless there is no other choice. I would also make sure she knows its only a temporary fix.
I am 72 and I can see where owning a home alone would be overwhelming. My DH, 75, does not work in the yard like he used to. The property needs a good power washing. We have some stuff inside that needs to be done. If my DH had passed, this house would be up for sale. I am tired of the upkeep.