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If my Mom really wants to go to another facility for long term care, do I call them ahead of time? Are there waiting lists? I don't know how long she'll be in rehab but they have so much more and it's a great place to live. I'm hoping she'll like it enough to stay. I'm just afraid that she won't have a place to go after rehab and the Dr. said she can't live independently anymore. She just got there yesterday so I haven't talked to anyone there yet. If my Mom is determined I don't know what to do.

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She got there yesterday?! - crumbs, give yourself a chance!

Where/what is the "somewhere else" that your mother is talking about, and what was she in hospital for? How long is she expected to remain in rehab?

You are worrying about this much too soon. Nothing terrible will happen if you don't sign your mother into the long term unit by this afternoon.
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Laura, take a deep breath.

Your mom will be in rehab for a bit, so as CountryMouse says, give her a chance to get settled.

Tell us why she was in the hospital; it will help us guide you better.

Please remember that you are not responsible for finding her "a different place" just because she mentions it. Your mother can speak to the social worker at the rehab and ask for help with that.

Don't jump through hoops.
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If she wants to go some place else, she can pull it all together.

If you jump through all the hoops and get her moved, what are you going to do when she decides that it isn't what she thought and now she wants to move again and again and again?

Sometimes I think this is a very active way of denying they are in LTC. Because it's not really long term if you are moving frequently.

I would definitely tell her she is able to do whatever she wants but, she will be doing it without your assistance. She does it all, you only visit and advocate where she is, wherever that might be.
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AimeeB Jan 2022
"Sometimes I think this is a very active way of denying they are in LTC. Because it's not really long term if you are moving frequently."

Wow, I had never thought of this, but it rings so true!
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Lets get real here your mom probably wants to go home and not stay in a long term care facility. She will not be happy anywhere. If she is in a decent place I would keep her there.

What exactly doesn't she like about the current place?
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Is there something in particular that your mother doesn't like about the place? Like maybe some of the staff or other patients?
It could be that she doesn't want to be in any care facility and thinks she should be living with you. So by being increasingly stubborn with you about the care facility it will result in you taking her to live with in your home.
Elderly people also get afraid when they have to go to rehab or when they hear talk of long-term care because it usually means they're in the "nursing home" for good. It's usually true most of the time.
You could start calling different facilities, and yes there are waiting lists for places. Your mother has to be told this truth. If she gives up her place where she is now it could result in her being placed in a lesser quality facility when her rehab is finished. The rehab facility is not going to let her stay there until a perfect place for her is found. They will either move her to whatever LTC has a bed available, or they will send her to the hospital and they will find a bed for her somewhere.
If the place she's at now is decent and they have LTC then leave her there. You can always look into different facilities but there's no hurry if she has a permanent place to stay. Please make yourself very clear to her that she will not be living with you. That I think may be very close to the problem of why she's being stubborn about finding a different facility.
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Is mom competent? What was she in the hospital for? Regardless of where she goes she won't like it. Stand back, relax, give it a few days. She may not change her mind.

Stepdad was sent to rehab following a knee revision. I didn't like the place, he was not picky about it. Problems with care did come up after a few days, serious problems. I made calls to find a place with availability and he was moved. That was a much better situation. So, yes it you want to move her, you do the research and arrange for the move. I will not happen overnight. It takes research and planning.

Make a few calls today so you find out about availability. It will be impossible to find out much or tour over the weekend.
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I would give her a little more time to adjust in the place where she is now but, in the mean time, call and visit a few places that might be options. We had very little notice from the rehab facility to move my mom to LTC. It’s good to have another place in mind as a back up.
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Does your mom have a place in mind that has been part of her plan? Have you talked to her about why she prefers to be in another facility and visited that facility? Perhaps gathering all of that info and then having a conversation with her about the benefits you see for staying where she is, move is easier, maybe it’s closer to you, the fact this one has a good rehab if the other doesn’t is a big plus future need always a good possability… You have a big benefit here if she is as on board as it sounds with entering LTC after rehab so foster that. Listen to her, visit the place she is set on or a few if she doesn’t actually have one picked out and talk about them with her, take pictures even. There is nothing wrong with shopping LTC facilities now, talking to them about availability, including the place she is in and then making a decision. Patient/residents coming from acute rehab facilities is a regular event for them as is releasing people to other LTC facilities or home for the rehab facility. Ideally they want her to stay with them and move to their LTC so make sure you are talking to them too but shopping around its the responsible thing to do as is including her in the decision as much as she can be. Good luck!
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I went through this two years ago with my then 91-year-old mother with dementia. I am the only living child. I lived 4 hours away.
Ask how long she will be in rehab?
Will she need SN or AL or MC?
Years ago, after surgery mom was in for three months. The last time 10 days for dehydration. Her doctor said she could not live alone. She would not need nursing care after rehab.
Will she need Medicaid at some point?
I am the POA and we had all the necessary papers in place from years ago. I got options from friends and talked to an elder care attorney who did Medicaid applications. He gave us his top three choices. We chose one that had assisted living, memory care, skilled nursing care, and a rehab unit and some Medicaid beds in case it was needed. It is 8 miles away. She fell and broke her hip and had to go to rehab, got better and was back in her room in 6 weeks with PT a couple of times a week. Mom wants to go home, we tell her as soon as the doctor says it is ok probably just a couple of days. It has been two years but to her she just got there yesterday. She says the place in clean and nurses are nice.
She is doing better than she has in years because she gets her meds, meals and social interaction. Good Luck.
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Its too soon, she hasn't had enough time to adjust to the place she is and she will have the same situation no matter where. If she doesn't have memory problems, just give it some time. And yes, some places have a waiting list, many don't. The better places may be more likely to have a waiting list.
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I am going through the same thing with my 94 year old mother. If the place she is at is close to you and it is nice and you like it by all means get on a waiting list if there is one. A facility that has it all is best. My mom has been in several different places over last year due to different accidents she had. She never liked any of them at first. She is not happy where she is now but hopefully she will eventually like it. It is a very nice, brand new place. Much closer to me so I can visit her often. It has rehab, assisted living, long term care even hospice. My cousin told me once you are in such a place they cannot kick you out. My mother will not be happy anywhere that is not her home. She started to get to like one of the assisted living places, it was awesome, but then went home and had her last big accident. Now she is in long term care which is eating up all her money. It is twice as expensive as assisted living. I am hoping she get well enough to get to move to assisted living in this place. She was in very bad shape when she first got to long term care. I wasn't even sure she would make it. Now I know she is getting better because she is complaining and wanting to move. I know she is well cared for where she is now and they all like her very much. I would never leave her in a crummy place, believe me. She is just going to have to get used to the idea this is her home now. I have friends in similar situations who all tell me how their parent will complain to them but when they are not there, the parent will actually be happy. One friend saw photos of her mother on their Facebook page having fun and smiling. They just like to make you feel guilty I think. Hang in there. I am just changing the subject and hoping for the best right now that she will eventually give in to her fate.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
Do what some others have done so you can see for yourself…..when it’s activity time etc, quietly watch her without her knowing you are there. If she’s having fun, then you know she’s just gonna complain, it’s just what they do…..all we can do is laff sometimes.
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Sometimes what allows all of us to thrive- a whole body, a whole mind, a network of acquaintances (built up through kids, work, hobbies, church), the ability to reach out and make new friends, flexibility— is much harder to provide for the elderly, and so there’s a sense of discontent no matter how nice the place is. No ones’s fault, really, but unless you have the money or the time to provide them with one on one engagement it’s hard to overcome some of the barriers that aging puts in place.
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AimeeB Jan 2022
This is a beautifully written reminder of the painful truth behind so many of the issues and questions we are all confronting as our loved ones (and we, ourselves) age.

I've sent it to myself in an email so I can have these words on hand to restore compassion when I feel frustrated and out of patience.

Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts.
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What is her reason for wanting to go to the other place for long term?
If the reason is valid, she has friends there, closer to friends she has, closer to stores she shops....or whatever. Then it might be a good idea to give some consideration to her wants.
After all if SHE wants to go to the other place and then she is not happy you can try to get her back to the place you think is better but remind her that the move was her decision and it might take time to arrange the transfer. If she stays where you want her to be and she is unhappy she will let you know each and every time you see or talk to her. Even if she does settle in and is happy (when you are not there or on the phone)

At this point I would let her finish the rehab where she is. As it gets closer to when she will be discharged you can look more deeply into the move. It may be that after a while and she gets to know the place where she is and gets to know people she ill be just fine where she is. Tell her that it sill depend on if the other place has beds available and if she has not toured the other place you can ask about taking her out for the day from rehab and doing a tour so she can compare the two.
If she still wants to move the facilities can arrange the transfer easily.
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Leave her there - it is really hard to find good places . Tell her to focus on rehab .
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You need many more answers as to what is really going on. Is there a problem or is she just wanting to "change" and go home. You need to get to the bottom of this. If you take her out of a nice place, you will most likely never get her back in. Once gone, gone. If you must go elsewhere, check them out very thoroughly, unannounced visits, possibly talk with the residents. Be careful.
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Laura22: Imho, since she just arrived at the rehabilitation facility three days ago, it's far too soon for her to propose this query. She must first get acclimated to the rehab facility before she says that she wants to relocate to another long term care facility. For all intents and purposes, she must give this location a fair chance as she may come to be comfortable in it.
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Give your mom a chance to settle into rehab life. If she still feels adamant about living somewhere else after 2 weeks or more, then ask social services to help with moving her to another facility.

Yes, most places have limited availability. You can check with the facility your mom likes to see about her chances.
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I am going through sort of the same thing. My mom just got out of rehab due to a TIAS, The Skilled Nursing Facility is very short staff which leaves them to be unable to open the other TCU with empty beds.
This is a major issue within Central Minnesota.
If this is an issue in your area, give mom some time to adjust, meet people, socialize, feel better, the more she is there the more hopefully she will adapt. We are taking care of mom in shifts because there are no open places. The cost is outrageous. If she has Medicare & the facility is licensed through Medicare/Medicaid. not just private insurance/Long term care. Please make sure there are other options, talk to SW, Doctors, Insurance. We have done a lot of leg work. They will take your moms money and leave her with very little a month. But she will be safe & with 24 hour staff. If its a clean, reputable facility, good staff, no abuse or neglect. try to keep her there at least for a little while. My mom is still in denial and does not want anyone to take care of her, but we or her has no choice. She is 98, sound mound, very sharp. Is having small strokes & has Menieres with the Vertigo. every 2 weeks. It is a safety issue. This is very hard for all of us & mom. the hardest thing I've had to do. But stay strong lean on each other, seek support, ask questions. and be honest with mom. Hugs to you. Hang in there
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For starters, if you don't think moving is a good idea, at least at this time, how about refusing to help her accomplish it? It is OIK to just say no to a bad idea.
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Stall! and stand your ground! - Make the arrangements right now to have her transferred into longterm care and when she's finished with rehab, tell her how lucky she is to be able to stay in another "wing" of the rehab for the time being. - - - And again: Stall! and stand your ground!
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You need to drop by this place at all different times when you go to visit. My Mom was also in a nice clean long term facility for rehab. I went every day but at different times , they did not know I was coming. Mom was in there for rehab but they fed her in the bed! I put her call light on a few times it always took 45 minutes or so for someone to come. My mom is 88 and can't live alone as she can't walk. Rehab did not help her . They put diapers on her and wouldn't get her up to go to the bathroom. Just make sure they are treating your Mom right. If they are taking good care of her I would leave her just where she is. There are some really horrible places out there! I have Mom home now and she is now retrained to go to the bathroom again after laying in bed for 2 weeks with diapers on. Give it time before you decide to change facilities. Watch and see what goes on first. Just my opinion .
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We can't possibly know what the vacancies are in long term care facilities in your area. You may want to consider accessing the agencies that will take you and your Mom on tours of the facilities that might be appropriate for her. Meanwhile, in rehab she will have a discharge planning team; contact them today and say that you will be looking for care. Many can contact appropriate placement facilities in your area to visit with you and your Mom.
She is right now in shock adjusting to her loss of independence, so try to go slow and easy and tell her you two together will look into placement possiblities. You will need to tell facility scouts and managers a ballpark figure of Mom's assets and her abilities to afford care.
Are you yet a POA? If not there is a lot to discuss in terms of getting wills and POA together for Mom.
Now if Mom is COMPETENT, and refuses care, there is little you can do about that until nature takes its course; if she is "determined" then you are correct, you can do very little OTHER THAN TO tell her loud and clear in a gentle manner that you will not enable her in staying in a dangerous situation, so she had better be ready to hire for herself what folks she needs to help her.
Speak honestly with social worker and discharge planners about Mom's personality. YOU are the one who knows best what to expect from her and we will wish you good luck.
On the upside of such helpers as "A Place for Mom" is that they may help you choose best placement. On the downside, they will pester the heck out of you until you tell them "Mom's broke" at which point they will have zero interest. Sorry, but the sad facts can be the sad facts.
So continue to support and guide Mom best you can, and hope you'll update us.
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