My mom was recently placed in a memory care facility near me. How do you cope with this decision without feeling grief and guilt?

My mom was in Memory Care too, 4 miles away, and lived there for almost 3 years. She lived in the regular AL for more than 4 years prior, and had to transfer into the Memory Care bldg after a hospital stay/rehab stay that put her into a wheelchair and advanced her dementia at the same time. She too wasn't 'as bad' dementia wise as the other residents, at least at first. She was demanding I take her home to live with me, regardless of the fact that my home would not accommodate her wheelchair, and that she had more issues than Newsweek, all of which I wasn't able to handle on my own. That makes it hard for US to deal with, listening to the endless asking to 'go home' when it's no longer plausible to do so. And, in my case, never was an option to begin with!

Never feel like you're making a pest of yourself by calling over to the MC to ask about how mom is doing. Speak with the activity director to make SURE she's coming to get your mom out of her room to mingle with the others. The AD at my mom's place made it a point to get the like-minded residents together; those that were in the same dementia range, so they could have something to talk about (at least to some degree). Of course, mom was always complaining about how 'stupid' the other women were, yet it gave her something to talk about, complain about, compare herself to and always come up smelling like a rose about, too. As time went on, she became quite 'friendly' with a few of the women, but not 'friends' as in times past, like MJ said. Dementia puts things into a whole new light, sadly enough.

But once mom's dementia got advanced, everything changed. She insisted she was living in a luxury hotel and that the caregivers were moving her to a new and fancy hotel every night which oddly enough had HER furniture in it, how could that BE? And they were driving her and her lady friends to a new and fancy restaurant with entertainment every night too, and how exhausted she was from all the running around! I'd listen with amazement at the stories she'd tell me, honestly. She led a very active life, inside her mind, my mother did, during the last year of her life in the Memory Care AL.

I visited mom once a week during the first 2 years of her stay there. I don't know what's 'correct' or 'incorrect' on that subject, it's up to YOU what you want to do, nobody else. If your visits upset mom, then naturally, stay away for a while. Call the nurse to find out how she's doing, and give her TIME to acclimate. You did NOT do the 'wrong' thing by placing her, so please ditch that mindset. She's safe, she's cared for, she has a nice room, activities, meals, companionship, etc. She's being showered and dressed and cared for 24/7, which is what she NEEDS. She doesn't even know what she 'wants' at this point b/c dementia has taken over her power to reason, let's face it. Ignore the nonsensical guilt trips about 'you don't love me anymore' and all that jazz; they STILL know how to push buttons, these women. You are not causing her dementia to worsen; time will do that on it's own, unfortunately. What you ARE doing is creating a safe haven for your mother who you love. When you do visit, bring photos and snacks, etc. I used to bring mom a new blouse and matching piece of costume jewelry when I visited, or a nightgown, and she always loved it. Or a bottle of perfume, shower gel, perfumed soaps, things like that, b/c I go to estate sales and could always find something inexpensive and FUN for her to enjoy (I sell on eBay). So she had quite a wardrobe and a vanity full of fragrances, etc. She knew I loved her, in spite of all the aggravation she caused me claiming otherwise.

You don't have to 'do' anything right now except give your mom time to adjust. Stay in touch with the MC staff and stop beating yourself up. As much grief as my mother gave me, when she was on her deathbed dying for a week, the staff lined up to come see her and sit with her. Some stayed after their shift was over, even.

I understand completely.

Talk to the administrators there and ask that the activities coordinator make a special effort to include her in activities. They probably do that anyway, but you can reiterate your desire that she be brought into the fold of the community.

There's one thing I learned from watching my mother's MC community, and that was that in many ways they're kind of like toddlers. Remember when you'd take your small children to play with other small children? They play side-by-side but not necessarily WITH each other. As they got older, they developed friendships, but when they're two and three years old, they just play next to other kids.

The same thing seems to be the case with dementia patients. Your mom isn't necessarily going to make friends in the way she once did, but she'll likely find her place with similarly-abled residents. That's where the staff comes in -- they'll make sure she sits at meals and activities with others who are at a level similar to hers.

Never be afraid to call and ask questions of the administrators at her MC. They work for you and your mom, not the other way around, so they should welcome a reasonable amount of interaction.

Send your mom cards and letters if possible, for the days when you aren't visiting. You can visit any time you want, but I think the place wants you to stay away for a bit just to let Mom acclimate to her new situation. Again, it's an experience mirrored from a different time in life. When my kids went to college, the school asked that we not contact them for the first 10 days, so they'd acclimate to dorm living and being independent. That was easy for my kids, since they had no issues going off to school, nor was I a helicopter parent. The same thing goes with Mom -- just let her settle in, but there's no reason why you can't drop off a card or letter telling her you'll visit soon and you love her.

MJ1929 gave excellent advice. I would only add that if she resists the invitations by the staff, to put up a sign in her room "from you" that reads something like:

"Mom, you will really enjoy today's activity. It's ok to go with the staff. Have fun! Love, [ your name in your handwriting ]"

We did this with my MIL when she was refusing to go eat meals with the other residents and not participating in anything. The staff would point to the sign and she had a harder time saying no to "our" gentle encouragement.

Continued:
After she passed in February, the ED told me the chain of emails that went back and forth was unbelievable (between the AL and the MC); the caregivers were so sad that she had passed. They paid tribute to her in a way that shocked me; I had no idea she was THAT well loved in her MC, but she was. When I packed her room up, I found cards and letters & notes from previous staff members who'd left, telling her how they looked at her as a grandmother, and how much they loved her. They sent photos of the babies they'd had, their wedding photos, etc. When I write my eulogy, it will contain some lines from those letters she had gotten over the years.

You are doing a good thing for your mom as a loving and devoted daughter, make no mistake.

Wishing you the best of luck as you both adapt to the new situation