My mom's personality has changed considerably. She was always kind and caring, now she is paranoid and mean. Is this common?

Your mother has dementia/ALZ and so, this behavior she's exhibiting goes with the territory; paranoia, feeling unsafe in her home, and that people are in her home that shouldn't be there, and that stealing is going on. Her doctor needs to be notified of this new behavior, so she can be checked for infections like a UTI or other organic issues first, to see if that's at the root of the change, and if not, perhaps anti anxiety meds can be prescribed. My mother had great results with .25 mgs of Ativan when her dementia behaviors (mostly Sundowning in the afternoons) got pretty bad.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
 
 Another good reference book is The 36 Hour Day which has some good info on dementia/ALZ and will answer on the spot questions you have that will crop up.

Teepa Snow has some fantastic videos on YouTube about how to speak to dementia sufferers and how to interact with them to achieve the best results.

Here is a list of useful tips from the above mentioned e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Best of luck!

It sounds like either your Mom has depression or is well on her way with dementia.

I suggest you take her to a geriatric doctor to get a health assessment. However, if she was like my Mom, that just increased the anxiety until I could get her to a doctor that she respected.

What does your Dad think about what is happening? Ultimately, any actions taken will affect him too.

LeaLonnie1 gave a comprehensive answer that should help you greatly.

Your mom saying she is taking her money out of the bank is VERY concerning, as she is very vulnerable to scams, phishing and predators, and even greedy family members. Is your Dad in control of things at home? He may be lost as to what to do, so maybe offer some help.

An important question is: who is her DPoA? Is anyone? If no one, it may not be too late for her to create this very important legal protection and tool. FYI herr DPoA should not be your Dad -- he's too old now. Otherwise someone will need to become her legal guardian, and it may be the county if no family member can afford the cost of pursuing it through the courts.

Get all those legal documents in order now, if they are not n place.

your mom needs medical intervention as others have stated before. I would think she may be in need in higher supervision as her state of mind can be down right dangerous. She may set out on her own etc ..if she Has an iPhone get find my friend set up on it. You can track her if need be.

hugs for the hard road …

As others have said, this is dementia. There are legal things that you must get rolling and she must get care Asap! Please proceed and don’t give credence to the crazy things she says. That’s the disease talking.

As others have already advised you, it's Dementia and you've come to the right place! Welcome to the "club" of us who are dealing with a parent/loved one with this horrible disease. Coming to this forum has helped me tremendously!
If you haven't already, see chart that describes the stages at https://dementia.org/stages-of-dementia

Your profile says Dad is also caring for an Aunt. This is too much for one person. Maybe an alternative needs to be found for the Aunt.

If you have not called her primary doctor about the recent changes, please do and request a lab order for UA (urine analysis). Some geriatric act strangely as you state when they have a UTI (urinary tract infection). She may need to be put on antibiotics. It is very common for geriatric women to have mood swings, confusion, hallucinations, paranoia, etc if they have a UTI.....good luck

My mother also changed with her dementia. She distrusts everyone, says she hates everything, makes nasty comments about the other residents at her home, and puts the guilt trip on family whenever they visit. She was not like this before but the dementia has changed her personality. We had to move her into a memory care home against her will and develop thick skins to withstand her comments. You need to get legal advice on how to deal with her so you can help her and your father deal with the dementia. We needed a court mandate so we could move our mother out of her house and into the memory care home for her own safety.

My mom became suspicious and paranoid. Eventually, her self care became an issue and she was not taking her medications corrections. She was so off the wall in a public place that the ambulance was called. It was the best thing to happen. She would have gone home and hidden herself from outside influence. At the ER and while it was hard to say to the docs, my sister was concerned about her bizarre behavior and if she was a threat to herself because she was thinking others were a threat to her! She was admitted by “Baker Act”. After 3 days in the hospital and medication stabilization, they determined that Olanzapine (zyprexa) might help. She was in night terrors and pretty scared all the time. The medication did help! She is not mean. She is articulate and while her short term memory and her understanding is not great/good, she laughs at jokes, loves to listen to others talk and when she looked at a assisted living apartment, she was willing to try it out. After 6 weeks, she wanted to buy her condo. We are so grateful that the medication was good for her. In my research, dementia is normal go-to for cognitive decline and paranoia but precious little information/research is done for studies of schizophrenia in elderly. Mom’s thoughts were dark and scary re: others hurting her. I am so grateful that she had an unrealistic argument at church and the nurse that was there said it was time to call 911. My sister helped by not taking her home and letting the medical dr. Get her help. She is in her bubble of bliss now in assisted living and she loves living along in her apartment. I did have to get her a caregiver 3 days, 4 hours a day after a year to help her with showers and lotions, mouth care, hair wash/fix because she would not let the staff help her. She loves her caregiver and I am relieved that she is safe and not afraid anymore! She takes 5 mg of Olanzapine every evening at bed and I make sure she does not run out. She gained the 10 pounds that was noted as a possibility but that is okay since she is happy and peaceful. I have Alexa to drop in on to talk to her face to face and I took her phone and secured it to a standup charger and set it to automatically answer after 10 seconds and only accept calls from those in her contact list. I have Blink cameras in there and she thinks they are speakers to help me hear. I did not ask permission. The facility put up a sign by the door stating Surveillance but she doesn’t notice it. This has been a win/win. Routine is important to her being happy and comfortable.

Thank you so much for taking the time with all this invaluable information. Two years ago my husband and I moved across country to be near my 96 year old mother, in order to support her desire to live in her own home by herself. She is healthy in her body but extremely difficult to help. I see every sign of full frontal lobe dementia. Basically everything we do for her is made very difficult by her heightened mistrust. We find ourselves way over our skis on this one. I, her oldest child, have no power of attorney, don’t want to spend a fortune on trying to fight with her in court. The county taking control would be fine with me. I just want her to be safe.

It seems like at some point, we all have to go through the misfortune of a parent or parents who have lost their minds. It makes it all the worse when they become mean and or violent. Sometimes I think we live too long, where quality of life goes out the door along with the bathwater. Often, we feel helpless and unable to intervene for many different reasons. I wish there was a magic wand that we could all wave, to take these painful situations away from us and our loved ones. These are things that life does not prepare us for, and there are very few resources available in this day and age when there are shortages of healthcare workers and exuberant prices of long-term care facilities. I am grateful for this website, as I feel so many of us have so much in common with these extremely difficult situations. Thank you all for being there, and by the grace of God maybe we will all get through this somehow together.

This is my parents 3years ago. Very similar. First my sisters and I manipulated my mom in giving us (not my dad the POA) to both medical and non medical. My dad was okay with this arrangement and we did the same with my dad (we were his POA). We succeeded and then established a trust for my parents. Second, we came up with a fib and moved my dad in one of us kids and my mom stayed at their house (and my sister moved in to take care of my mom). We placed my mom on 1mg risperidone to take care of paranoia hallucinations etc (make sure other meds are not causing this as we found my mom toprol heightened this and we switched toprol to amlodipine). My mom was night and day with risperidone. It took a month or so before my mom was more agreeable and easy to talk to. My dad has early signs of dementia too so we started him on 1mg risperidone too and it worked (my dad was narcissistic and belligerent and all this was gone). Fast forward 3years later (it was tough keeping them separated - holidays separate and we constantly had to hide my dad’s whereabouts to my mom. Unfortunately as my mom’s Alzheimer’s progressed she forgot how much she hated my dad. Recently, we brought them back together (small reunion) and my mom was not upset at all. It couldn’t be better. When my mom asked where my dad went we all said just at work. He was assigned somewhere. It was a sufficient fib. My sisters and I made sure we were the POA for both my parents asap as my mom was almost swindled. I hope this helps. My parents (married 56years) are now living together again under my roof, under my supervision. Time helps but it’s also time lost that they could have enjoyed each other’s company. Prayers 🙏

This kind of paranoia is not unusual with dementia. People "forget" how to interpret things and people around them. Does she have caregivers or housekeepers coming into the house (are these the women she referred to)? It sounds like she is not recognizing your dad any more and is close to the point where she should no longer be handling money. Speak with her doctor about medications that might calm her. Sometimes people with dementia also get physically abusive (hitting and kicking). Make sure her paperwork is in order while she is still able to sign legal papers. She needs to set up powers of attorney for financial and medical matters, a living will with her advance medical directives and a will, if she has assets. You may need an attorney specializing in elder law to do this. Would it make sense to place her in a memory care facility? Professional staff know how to deal with paranoia and suspicion and can also help advise whether the medications are working. I think your mother's state must be very disturbing for your father. It may be better for both to separate them. He can try visiting later; the current stage is likely to pass, and she'll move on to another stage of dementia. Sadly health and mental health only decline with dementia. If you decide on a facility, try to find one close to you and your father so that you can oversee her care and visit frequently.

Please get her seen by a doctor - NOW! These are not usual "aging" type of issues. These are symptoms of a disease process - an infection, poor oxygenation, poor circulation to parts of the brain, or severe anxiety/agitation... Let the doctors evaluate and treat her.

It may be time for memory care placement. That is one option. Medication is another. Your mother's doctor may be able to prescribe medications that will help keep her delusional and paranoid behaviors calmed down a bit.
It could also be a good idea for yoru father or even yourself to get conservatorship over her and financial POA. This way she cannot 'showtime' and get someone to take her the bank.

Sounds like dementia.
Dementia is NOT "just memory"..it is BRAIN DAMAGE. The brain is dying and parts of it become very hard to access, memory, behavior, understandings and rationals...
She needs assistance and compassion.

In a heightened state of paranoia, you could call 911 and get her behavior documented or you could film it yourself and call 911 to request a psychiatric welfare check. A Geriatric Psychiatrist can assist in medications that might help her return to realty.

A few years back, we had a husband murder his wife, because his paranoia convinced him she was cheating.............they were a very elderly couple.

Oh yes, I have been in your boat, which often felt like a sinkig boat at that. My mom, once kind and caring, became irrational, paranoid, and delusional, once Alzheimer's hit. Hubby and I took care of her for 5 years. Once, we went to a fast food place and she loved the breakfast there. She took her leftover coffee home. We got home, and she said it was poisoned. I said "Mom, this is the same coffee that you just drank a few minutes ago and loved it," but she was so headstrong about it, that I took the coffee into the kitchen, put it in one of our cups, and she loved it. I agree with the others; you might need to take her to a doctor for an evaluation. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I tried to write it with humor and heart, since you need both in life, and particularly dealing with Alzheimer's/dementia (if that's what your mom has). My mom also had hallucinations, both visual and auditory. I learned, especially with the auditory ones, the one voice she really needed to hear, was mine. I could comfort and reassure her, but I couldn't reason with her. Good luck.

Is it possible your mother has had a TIA? Trans Ischemic Strokes are known to affect personality. My grandmother was a very strict, stern woman who always intimidated me and had little to say when I visited. After suffering several TIA's she became very chatty and friendly. A positive change enjoyed by all of us!

elliotttnt: As your mother suffers from dementia, her thoughts cannot be rationalized. While certainly it is a good idea to check for cystitis, commonly known as a urinary tract infection, perhaps her neurologist could assist with an anti anxiety medication(s).

It sounds like your mother has all of the classic signs of Dementia.

Have you had her tested and diagnosed?

You will need to get POA ASAP, and prepare for her long-term care.

Lealonnie1 has given excellent advice here. I will add three pieces of advice based on my very similar experience with my husband in his initial stages with dementia.
1. Go with your mom and dad to her initial doctor’s appointment. Take other supportive siblings if appropriate. Her doctor needs to hear all perspectives on her behavior. Your mom will not be a reliable reporter. In my situation, Our children and I had to talk to the doctor alone because my husband accused me of telling untruths about his behavior. It also made him angrier at me, like I was “telling on him.”
2. In addition to anti-anxiety medication (lexapro for him), my husband responded well to a low dose anti-psychotic, in his case it was Seroquel. This quickly addressed his paranoid behaviors and our relationship became less threatening to me. Similar to your dad’s situation, my husband thought I was an intruder and wanted me out of the house.
3. Encourage your dad to join a support group and this forum where he won’t feel alone in his situation. Read and research as much as you can about this disease and educate/support him and your mom. My husband has progressed to late stage and is in hospice care here at home. I now have outside caregivers helping me.

It’s now five years since those frightening early stages. Our children have been and continue to be a blessing to us in this heartbreaking journey. Bless you for caring and supporting both your parents!

Sadly, this is common behavior with dementia and Alzheimers. Here is the link to an article from the Alzheimer's Association that may be helpful. www.alz.org/media/cacentral/Dementia-Care-30-Personality-Changes-in-Dementia.pdf (alz.org)(alz.org)

My mom was the same in the beginning. We now treat her with cannabis gel tabs. If they are available to you i would suggest starting on a light dosage 19:1 and gradually ramp up until you see her behavior lighten up. Cannabis saved my mom. Anti-psychotics completely flipped her out (ended in ER) and we would not have been able to keep her at home without Care by Design gel tabs and Pappa & Barkley pills. These were game changers in her life and for her caregivers.