I'm reduced to moving back to NJ to care for Mom. I'm running on empty. She is insatiable. For example: a simple new pair of socks are always too hot, too thin, too short, too long, too big (you get it).
This is one of 100 daily endless needs I consider "non-urgent." She tries to micromanage what remains of my life. She refuses to take anti-anxiety meds, however she is on antidepressants. Once she's locked on to something, my brothers and I will receive endless phone calls, messages, and emails that demand "immediate" attention. It's exhausting, draining, frustrating and endless. I'll agree that part of it is dementia-related, but much of it is outright controlling, demanding, and abusive. When challenged, she becomes belligerent or despondent. Then I ride the guilt trip to nowhere. My own mental/physical health is at risk with no end in sight.
This is from your profile and after reading that I said to myself
"DON'T DO IT".
You are already burnt out. You are so going to resent this move. Your attitude going in is tainted. Its not going to work. You have to tell ur brothers time to place her. And they will make sure she gets the meds she needs. You are living in Cal for a reason.
You do not have to move to NJ. You do not have to become the 'Designated Caregiver' because your brothers and mother find you to be the most convenient choice.
You also do not have to play your mother's games. No one has to live with abuse, regardless of whether or not the cause of the abuse is dementia.
None of you have to take all of her calls. None of you have to answer 'how high' when she says 'jump'. None of you have to tolerate her controlling, demanding, and abusive behavior.
Stop enabling her to be a senior brat.
From what you've said here neither you nor your brothers want to be her caregiver.
Then don't be. Understand? You and your brothers need to have a meeting without your mother and discuss who is willing to do what as far as her caregiving needs go. Everyone's boundaries must be respected at all times. If the lot of you decide that no one is going to become mom's live-in caregiving slave, start looking for 24-hour help for her or care facility placement. The important part is that all of you do this together. If you and your brothers make these decisions together, your mother will have no choice but to accept them.
It is up to you to set some workable boundaries, perhaps some therapy will help you to understand what boundaries are and how important they are. If not at least read up on boundaries.
Please try to change out your G-words. The one you are looking for is grief. Grief for your Mom and grief for you.
You need to create boundaries for yourself. They won't come with moving into all of this; that will make it exponentially worse. They will come with your Mom getting placement in the care that she needs 24/7.
As we say to the young with their media and phones and computers, it's time for you to UNPLUG.
I hope, before you move to NJ, you get a good counseling with a Social Worker certified to counsel people on life transitions. It is my feeling that you are making a dreadful mistake.
You do not say, either here or on your profile, whether your Mom has dementia, diagnosed mental problems or both. You also don't say if she is in care. If she is mentally ill and not in care I advise you to read the excellent memoir by Liz Scheirer called Never Simple: a Memoir. She (and a whole army of New York State Social workers) tried to help her mentally ill mother until the woman's death. And of course, there WAS no help. Please don't sacrifice your own life on the altar of your mother's illness. She belongs in care.
I would also suggest that when the inevitable hits you don't allow well-meaning medical personnel to talk you into POA for your Mother. This task is impossible enough for a WELL person serving another WELL and well-organized person. It is an utter nightmare for a non-cooperative and mentally compromised adult. Let the state take over.
This all, I am afraid, falls under "not everything can be fixed". And that isn't your fault and doesn't make you guilty of anything but being born to someone whose illness has no answers.
Please get counseling for yourself before this move. I want the best for you. I don't think this is it; moreover, I doubt it will be of much help to your Mom, either.
By answering the constant flow of emails and calls you are enabling her. For her, this WORKS.
Learn to set boundaries. Don't answer the phone when she's blowing up your line with constant issues. They're HER issues, don't make them yours.
I have long since learned that when mom voices a need/concern/anxiety issue, I'll listen, and say "what do you expect me to do?" Usually she just wants to complain.
I make a decision as to what is important and what it not. I let my YBs handle most of the CG since she wants them, not me.
Both my OS and YS are 'once a month phone callers' and don't DO anything.
Moving in with her or close to her will increase her ability to drive you crazy with problems that much quicker.
Talk to brothers and all be on the same page as per her help needs. Don't answer the phone right away. Unless it's an emergency, which I bet it never is!
Good Luck!