My mother (82) moved in after her domestic partner tragically died. This was under the guise of helping me.

*UPDATE* So I met with my mother's Dr for 2 hours. She doesn't believe it's dementia. I guess I didn't say why my mom moved in. We were very close and best friends in my 20s and up until my diagnosis. Then she met someone and that's what she did. I get that, she was younger and deserved a partner. They were together almost 30 years. Christmas of 2022 he fell down the stairs and died instantly. It took 6 hours to take his body and then I cleaned the remains, it was Christmas. Her father also died in front of her when she was a child. It was traumatizing and awful both times. I had (like an ignorant 20 something year old) promised I'd never put her in a home. I'm medically destitute and even with a credit score of 860, I cant even refinance or get a mortgage being disabled. I dont work full time. I need my mother here. My septic needed work and I have no money so here I am. I had no idea she was drinking or talks and swears to herself. The Dr. said that their appointment was much better than the one they did the memory test for. She carried on for 3 weeks then. The test for onset dementia is a score up to 30, 30 being good, 24 is the beginning of dementia and she's a 26. So, they discussed everything and the only thing she lied about was her drinking. She told the Dr her grief and depression are out of control and she's not taking her antidepressants. I told the Dr she isn't on the right one and she agreed. She also admitted to not doing what she promised she would for me when she moved in. Shes still very capable. We've devised a plan and she's going to try and get her to take an SSRI, and get her mood better, talk to her about therapy and then she'll have her come in and tell her to bring me and she will mediate a conversation that her actions are making me even more ill. Let her know shes independent and doesn't need my help reminding her of things. She said my mother is in an oblivious bubble and that we need to get her out of this stuck trauma, grief depression funk and her memory should improve. I'm glad she's not in dementia. She paid for a ton of work around my house and that's the guilt. I'm not using her, but I am. She's my mom, I love her, but she seems to forget or not want to see how sick I am. This is also why I'm divorced. He told me when I was fighting for my life with 2 cancers, "if you just got out of bed you'd feel better". So that was a good meeting I had with a glimmer of hope. She knows she is self medicating even though I never say anything to her about it, she hides her bottles. So I'm hoping the Prozac or Paxil works, whichever it is. She's paying to open the pool because I always do it myself and I just physically can't anymore. I couldnt pay anyone to do it. This is good, it means the next 3 months, I'll be outside. Sadly, in America, being so sick isn't easy. The more I want to work and make a little money. I lose other benefits and I'm worse off. It's ass backwards. I built this house 34 years ago and still have a mortgage. So money does matter in this situation. I'm in NY and can't leave the NYC area. It's a very rare cancer and he's one of the best specialists around. This makes downsizing and relocating nearly impossible.

Tell her that it's time to go because living together is not working out anymore. Why would you think you are obligated in any way to allow an abusive person (even when it's a parent or other LO) who treats you like crap to live in your house? Also, because it's YOUR house and not hers, you can make a rule today that you no longer allow alcohol in your home. So collect all the wine and dump it down the sink. If she has a problem with that:

TOO DAMN BAD.

If she refuses to leave, have her served with eviction. Either way set a date that she will be out by and that's it.

You are too ill yourself to be anyone's caregiver or to deal with an alcoholic. She's leaving.

As for your brother. OMG, I was laughing so hard when you said about your brother and his much younger girlfriend at Burning Man. There's no fool like an old fool. I went to a Burning Man once in my 30's and felt like the "elder" in that crowd. At 60? Call him and tell him he can either come and get mom or she's going to be homeless or APS will put her in a care facility because you're evicting her.

You can also put your house up for sale and move somewhere else. You don't have to take her with you.

You've had a very hard time and a lot of unfortunate health issues that you don't deserve. No one does. So that being said, no way do you have to live with what you're living with.

Forget trying to get your mother's ducks in a row and sorting out things like POA and Wills. You have to be about you now. Forget about these things.
You're in no condition to be a caregiver to her. Call APS and your brother. Let them both know you're legally evicting her.

I am so sorry that you are so ill.
I know that you have much medical help and a medical team given your many challenges, so I hope that you ask each and every one of them to hook you up with a social worker so you can access all the help you can get. You should also be pointed to a psychologist if that's an option.

Taking an 82 alcoholic into your home was not a good decision.
You state somewhere that initially you thought she could help provide you some support. Instead it has gone the opposite way. She should be evicted.

Guilt, of course is also a poor choice, and it is a choice because it is not based in reality. Guilt implies that you chose things, your own illness, your mother's alcoholism. That would make you responsible. You didn't choose them. You can't fix them. So change out your G-words from guilt to grief and that will help right there.

I will recommend you keep going with Al-Anon, virtual or not; privacy is not longer a concern you can afford to worry about. As a cancer survivor myself it's time to stop caring if the gown's closed tight in back. You will not only get support and sympathy there, but KNOWLEDGE and resources. You will find out that you cannot help or change an alcoholic; you can only choose whether or not to keep them in your life. I suggest "not". Your mother should be evicted and on her own, whether in a shelter or a small rental room I honestly am not interested. There's too much on your plate for me to add her as a concern. Your mother is NOT a caregiver, and cannot serve that role.

I wish you a lot of luck. I know that you recognize that as a Forum of individuals from around the world we can only offer our sympathy for your plight and suggestions that MAY help. You MUST seek help available to you "on the ground" in your area, and again.......Al-Anon......a world of help and suggestions and pointers and resources and if virtual the only way to get it now, then so be it.. The very best of luck to you.

Cut Mom loose and stopping being jealous that your brother made better choices.

There are 0 possible positive outcomes to taking a alcoholic octogenarian into your home.

On the one hand you are rightfully upset and frustrated at how she treats you. On the other hand, your suspicion that she has a cognitive impairment now makes any improvement in behavior towards you medically unlikely. You are the person that needs to change and create a solution, although I totally understand how unfair and overwhelming that is. You have options, you just have to accept that there's not going to be a perfect, or even great, solution.

Frankly, her Will is not what you should be thinking about but rather her PoA. If you are not her PoA then getting her out and into a facility will be much trickier. At your age, and with your health issues, would downsizing be a logical step for you? Moving closer to services and people? Age-related health challenges will only increase as you age. Mine started in my early 60s and I am healthy and athletic. A move would give you the excuse to get her out and you'd get the bonus of simplifying, since you will eventually need this for yourself anyway. You need to do it before you are too old or sick to be able.

It would be helpful for us to know whether your Mom has a PoA or not.

I read your profile . You said you feel guilty . You should not feel guilty . You did not cause your mother’s problems .
You are also too sick to take care of your mother .
Try calling your local County Area of Aging . Get a social worker on board to help you navigate this . Tell them you are too ill to take care of Mom. Mom needs to be placed in a facility . If Mom ends up in the hospital or rehab do not take Mom home again. Tell the social worker at the hospital or rehab that you can not take care of her and walk away .

Honestly walk away , don’t answer phone calls from the rehab or hospital or visit Mom. Don’t go to the facility , they will be on the lookout for you . I know this sounds harsh but it’s the best way to get Mom placed in a facility because they will try to force you to take Mom home since it is her residence and you don’t have POA . Once Mom is out of your house , change the locks .
Good Luck , you have to take care of you .
Mom needs to be taken care of in a facility .

You have to ask her to leave and say " This is Not working for me and I need my Home back . " Just be firm . The situation is Not working for you . Create that Boundary and make that a Goal and hopefully your therapist can support you In this decision .People do get alcohol induced Dementia .