My Aunt (mother’s younger sister) recently called me to say she was not going to have any dealings with my mom anymore. She had to call the police on my drunken and distraught mom, who just recently lost her lifelong best friend to cancer. She was screaming and causing a bad enough scene to disturb the entire apartment building. My mom is a recovering addict and alcoholic who has recently fallen off the wagon, and stopped taking her antidepressants. She lives in New Jersey (same building as her sister) and my brother and I are in Florida. We will both be going up to Jersey in the next couple days, it would be immediate but we both have work commitments we can’t just abandon because our mom is acting out. We both love her very much, but her increasingly erratic and dangerous outbursts are making any kind of long term/distance solution near impossible. I would be very appreciative of any empathetic advice from others in the profession or similar situations. I’m at a loss with how to proceed once I get up north in the next couple days. Thank you so very much.
- do you have any legal authority for her (DPoA, legal guardianship)?
- what do you envision being a "solution", short of her regaining long-term sobriety?
- if she can't remain sober and you have no legal power (and understanding she could get kicked out of her apartment for any future meltdowns), are you willing to defer to APS?
The reality is you can't make her do anything if she doesn't cooperate or you have no legal authority to make decisions for her. She's only 67. Doesn't sound like she's a candidate for AL, but rather in-patient rehab, Section 8 or a sober housing situation. Again, she needs to be willing and committed to the long-term.
If you haven't already I recommend Al Anon for you and your sibling, since there may be some co-dependency and boundary-setting issues that need work. No matter what happens in her future please do not consider paying for anything for her: not her housing, care, etc. This doesn't mean you don't love her. It is a boundary and an acceptance that you are not responsible for her happiness. You can't have her recovery for her, either, if she doesn't want it herself. It is undeniably painful to watch her implode. But enabling isn't a solution either -- in fact it is counterproductive. I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you and your sister sort through what to do, if anything. Blessings to you both.
I can't blame your aunt for washing her hands of it (I'm pleased to infer that you don't, either).
Have you spoken to your mother since this all blew up? What does she say?
Would your Mother be open to talking to her Doctor with you? For referrals for grief counseling, possible meds/treatment for anxiety for starters.