She goes out for a manicure once a month, gets her hair done bi-weekly, out to restaurants for breakfast once a week, trips out for ice cream and farm stands. All of this, with an 80-something- year-old male companion she has been with about 8 years. He drives her to all of these places. However, he has health issues and both are weak, hardly able to walk independently, but still they go. My brother and I are quite concerned they will either hurt themselves (fall, choke, auto accident) or they will cause auto accident and hurt someone else. The gentleman has 2 sons, but we are not sure to what extent they know what their father is doing. He visits my mom daily at her assisted-living facility. What, if any, is our responsibility as her children if something happens while they are out and about? not sure to what extent the sons know what their father is doing. He visits my mom daily at her assisted-living facility and signs her out when they go somewhere. We have agreed in the past that he could drive her within 1 mile of her assisted-living facility however over the month the visits outside of the facility have them driving all over the county on some occasions and this was prior to his failing health. What, if any, is our responsibility as her children if something happens while they are out and about. She would be quite angry if we contacted the sons and expressed our concerns. Do we have the ability to limit, if not refuse, to allow them to leave the assisted living facility. She has very limited short-term memory and confuses quite easily.
Being nearer to home won't stop anything bad happening to your mum. In fact, being nearer to home won't stop an accident happening if the friend is an unsafe driver (in which case he shouldn't be driving at all).
If your mum's friend is perfectly capable of driving and doesn't have any cognitive decline himself, and your mum enjoys her days out, then there shouldn't be a problem.
We can't wrap our loved ones in cotton wool, that's preserving, not living.
I have been considered disabled since my 20s, my stepdad can barely walk beyond a few metres, many disabled drivers cannot walk at all.
I'm not saying this gentleman is a safe driver - I don't know him - but nothing has been said to suggest that he's a bad driver.
Let her have some companion and freedom of doing so.
This reminds me of Jeanne Louise Calment, french woman who lived 122 years. I believe at age 117 she quit smoking as advised by doctor.
Or she was advised to quit smoking and eating huge amounts of chocolate? She ate half a pound a day or so.
So maybe she quit both.
I can understand smoking but chocolates, non.
Your options:
1 - Move mom from assisted living to skilled care or memory care that will not allow her to leave facility without POA approval.
2 - Put an air tag on mom - probably her purse or a life alert type of jewelry (necklace) so you know where she is at all times.
3 - Have another talk with this friend and explain your concerns. Give him options that let him know that longer drives/outings are out of the picture. Let him know consequences could result in her not being allowed out of facility with him.
Reason for my reply, he could kill someone. If he can hardly walk, then he is not capable of driving a car. He probably doesn't have the leg strength to stop a car if a car stops in front of him suddenly or a kid rides a bike right in front of him.
Yes, he should'nt be driving and she shouldn't be leaving without being accompanied by an able bodied assistant.
I'd rather die enjoying myself than being cooped up in a building because someone is afraid that I might fall or be in a car wreck.
If you have POA, read it. Immediate means you now have control. No doctor needing to say Mom has Dementia. You can tell the AL he is no longer allowed to take her out. That would be sad though for both of them since they enjoy each others company. Gives them something to look forward to. Does the AL have a bus they take the residents on outtings? Maybe he can join her for a small fee. Your between a rock and a hard place here.
The other POA is where a doctor or doctors need to declare Mom incompetent.
My concern would be that he can just about walk. Does that mean he would have trouble putting on the brake to stop suddenly. I had immediate POA and I am sure if I was in your position, I would tell the AL he could no longer take Mom out because you fear for her safety. There comes a time when we are now the parent and parent is the child. Your Mom can no longer make informed decisions and you need to make them for her.
If you make the decision to not allow the man to take her out, that may be the time to call the sons and tell them why you have done this.
Let her enjoy her time left in this world.
The way I see it, any one of us could fall, choke, or be in a car accident at any age. Teenagers tend to get into car accidents more so then older folks. And with regard to this gentleman having problems with walking, people of all ages who have problems with walking do drive. If this gentleman's children haven't stopped him from driving, then they feel he is ok to drive.
Let your Mom enjoy herself, my gosh she is 100 years old, and still on the go. Amazing and delightful. Otherwise if Mom is tethered to the Assisted Living, never to go out, she could pass on quicker as her brain isn't being challenged.
Just a few days ago an 80 yr old man drove around a blocked out road closed due to flash flood and died, (his car and he were found the next day). In this case, he may have have a suicide wish.
If you are asking about moral responsibility, again, there is none. This gentleman is still driving. So is my guy at 84 and he's excellent. Whether he is safe to drive or not isn't your business or your concern.
Will you at some point get a call that while they were out they were in an accident? That one of them fell? Perhaps. You are BOUND to get "the call" about "something" soon enough in any case.
I would not interfere on the face of what you have told us. I am certain other may. I would not.
I see below that you say you are POA. I have zero idea the level of dementia your mother suffers from. Only you know that. If you feel her dementia is so severe that she has no idea where she wants to go or why? Then, yes, you have some call to make here. However you tell us she has a beau, wants to get her hair done, get manicures, go to the farm stand, go for ice cream and go out to restaurants. To ME that isn't someone with a level of dementia in which she cannot make those decisions for herself.
If you are your Mom's PoA then I would read the document to see what activates your authority. Usually it is 1 medical diagnosis of sufficient incapacity, Once this happens then you can dictate who she goes where with... but it doesn't mean she'll cooperate.
Are you her POA? Has she been diagnosed with any memory issues that would invoke POA? Without that, there’s really not a lot you can do other than explain your concerns and ask that she consider taking fewer trips with her friend. Unless she’s been declared incompetent, you are not legally responsible for her actions. And then, only if you are her POA and you act in an irresponsible manner.