This has become a very significant problem in communicating and looking out for her best interests. He has slowly taken away all of her independence and is sadly using her dementia against her. He will not take my calls and I believe he is purposely hiding her phone from her as to limit our conversations. He doesn’t want me to come over to (his) house as I’m am not welcome there. But believe me that will never stop me from seeing my own mother. When she’s in my presence she expresses interest in retaining a family lawyer to assist her in regaining some sort of control over her own life. But as soon as she’s back home with him he’s changed her mind. He is very much concerned that she might possibly leave him as she’s spoken about doing so many times. He totally fits the description of a narcissist. His main concern is (his) money and wealth. My parents have done very well for themselves financially over the years. He has on many occasions let me know I will not be seeing a penny of (his) money. Of course this is the opposite of what he tells my mother. She has tried to contact they’re financial institute to make an appointment for me and her to sit down and go over their will but is told that it up to her husbands discretion’s. They are not willing to deal with her without him. I’m under the impression that he’s had her sign many legal documents that she has no idea of their meaning. Possibly a Power of Attorney has been given to him that she was not clearly aware of. The more contact I have with him the more controlling he becomes of her. He has been very abusive physically and verbally to me my entire life. I sense that he might be treating my mother with emotional abuse. I’m in a very unfortunate situation and I am not unsure of how to go about looking out for my mother. Can someone please advise me on what I can do to help her?
Here's something my cousins did with their 80-yr Mom (with early ALZ), who was being controlled and emotionally abused by her lifelong husband, a greedy sick man: two of the 3 sons made a reason to go out with their Dad to get him out of the house for an extended period of time. While they were out, the 3rd son packed up all the Mom's stuff and took off with her. They had in advance arranged for a facility for her. No one was her PoA at that point and one of the sons got her to legally assign him as her PoA. They didn't tell the Dad where she was, just that she wasn't coming back. It'd be over their dead bodies. The Dad was 90 but not a completely frail person...however, now he had no slave to cook and clean for him and yes he was worried about "his" money. So worried that he flew off to the bank where he had a tantrum and fell and got a brain injury, was went by ambulance to the ER, lingered a few days and passed away. The Mom got his money (and wow did he have it stashed away like a greasy little squirrel) and it took her sons a long time to find it all.
If the variable for your Mom is being back home in the presence of your Father, then maybe that needs to be disrupted. But this type of plan can't happen unless there are the financial resources to sustain her being out of the home and living somewhere else. While out of his presence she may still have the legal capacity to assign a new PoA (the bar for that is pretty low).
You may want to take pics of any bruises on her, for legal purposes.
I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you sort through her options.
Wow never thought about him getting a restraining order against me. But that would be exactly what he’d do. I’m the only problem in his very calculated life that has cause ripples plan and he hates it. It’s so deeply troubling the mind games he plays on her.
I’m going to speak with an attorney next week to see what insight they might be able to offer. Don’t know if they’re able to find out if he has a P O A over her or they can gain access to their will? I’m not sure if a married couple with a joint will can be appropriated by her to ensure both her daughters receive equal amounts. My mom’s concern is that I won’t be in it. I must admit that’s mine also but is definitely the main reason. I only see my moms health and livelihood slipping away
I suggest you find a lawyer who will draw up a POA and have Mom assign you. Then you have some control when Mom can no longer make her own decisions. Even though she has a Dementia, if she understands what she is doing, then a lawyer may draw it up. You need to do this sooner than later. If you can do this, the new POA will revoke any done before it. I would not tell Dad you have done this. Its just for you to use when you need to.
When I was in this situation, I felt so powerless. Every time I tried to help, my father would tighten his grip. I finally found a book that helped me understand the dynamics of financial abuse in dementia, and it gave me the tools to fight back. The name of the book is WALKING THROUGH MEMORY'S FOG BY MARIA SANTOS (Available on Amazon). The chapter on financial exploitation was a game changer. It explained that people with dementia are prime targets for abuse because they are trusting and forgetful, and that family members are often the perpetrators. The book gave me a step-by-step plan for documenting the abuse, keeping a log of every suspicious transaction, every time he refused to let me see her, every time she said she wanted to leave him. That log became evidence when I finally went to court. It also gave me the language to talk to the bank and to Adult Protective Services, and it helped me understand that I was not being a difficult daughter, I was being a protector.
You are not overreacting. You are not being dramatic. Your mother is vulnerable, and he is taking advantage of that. The fact that she expresses a desire to see a lawyer when she is with you is huge. That is her real voice, the one that isn't being drowned out by his control. The next time you have her alone, call a lawyer from her phone, on speaker, so she can hear herself give permission for them to speak with you. Or take her to a lawyer's office, and ask to speak to them privately. You can also request a guardian ad litem, a person appointed by the court to represent your mother's interests. This is a long, hard road, and it will not be easy. But you are doing the right thing. She is lucky to have you. Please, get that book, and then get a lawyer. You can do this. Sending you so much strength, you are not alone in this ❤️.