My mother (85) lives with me. She can do a lot for herself, but won’t try to make own small meals. How can I set her up so I can take respite?

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My mother (85) lives with me. She can do a lot for herself, but won’t try to make own small meals. How can I set her up so I can take respite?

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She won't make her own meals like, sandwiches, toast or coffee. I would like to make plans for my husband and I to take a weekend trip together. My mom moved in with us after her neck surgery. A nerve was damaged and she couldn’t lift her left arm. It’s been a year and 1/2 now. Her arm is back to normal. She can wash and dress herself. She walks with a walker and moves along fairly well. I make sure she has breakfast, lunch and dinner, I wash and lay her clothes out every day and manage her medications. I manage her doctors appointments and also take her to them. I have learned that she is not self motivated and will wait until I ask her if she wants to go to a movie or out to a store. Since she’s moved with us, she hasn’t stepped out of the house for fresh air unless I ask her or she has a doctor's appointment. I don’t expect her to change but I would like some input on ways I can set her up for a few days while my husband and I take a day or two away. Setting up her clothes is easy but getting her to fix her own toast, sandwich or heat up a dinner is questionable. I can have my daughter check on her but I really need her to do some of these things herself. Especially when I know she can. It took her a year to adjust and mentally settle. She’s moved from Philadelphia to Texas. Which was a huge change but, she asked to stay. We welcomed her with open arms and put a good bit of money in to make things comfortable (bed, new toilet, chair, pull out drawers for easy access, bars for the tub etc). I think she has gotten so use to me doing everything that she doesn’t want to try. She tells me the coffee maker is to fancy or she doesn’t know how the water dispenser works. She almost coughed herself to death once and didn’t think to get up and get water from the sink, frig or the dispenser! Any advise will surely help.

PH

Activities of Daily Living Care Decisions Multi-generational Living

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This How she controls you with passive aggression. Do you remember recipes she made When you were younger that were simple like PB J sandwiches or tuna? By putting out a tuna salad container, A plate with lettuce or tomato if she can use his it And 2 slices of bread with her plate and whatever condiments she uses. Be sure she's sitting at the table And find an excuse to have to give away from the table quickly And tell Her to help Make herself and you a sandwich, Because you have an emergency we have to deal with and may not be back until after lunch time. Even if it's a fake phone call in the other Room. If she doesn't eat, Keep in mind she may not remember how to assemble things. Try to pick something she likes a lot to eat and can't resist an urge that she's hungry. Promise or a tree when you get back for being such a sweetheart and is stepping up.

You may want to the day before sit down and play music she loves and reminisce about the lunch's she was to make for you, And how she taught you to make aspecific simple sandwich. Sit down with her at the table and assemble all the ingredients but keep it simple and do it together and be excited about it as if it's a project we do together out of love And fond memories of her is a great mother.

IfYou think there's a problem with her assembling the ingredients because she can't remember, Then maybe number sir them one, Two, And have a photo of a Finnish sandwich.

If your Mother is prideful, She might even be insulted enough To step in especially if you do something wrong.

MaybeIf you ask her for help, Because you can't quite remember how to make that terrific tuna salad she used to make or whatever, Noting she had some secret ingredient like a little mustard along with a male or a little sweet pickle relish. Get my drift?

This Turns as a battle of wills Into something that helps your mother feel better about herself

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I addressed the question of the weekend trip but I wanted to say something about your other question. When you are there with her, you can try to get her to do more things. Stand there and guide her through each step for making the coffee. Pretend you're teaching someone who has never seen a coffee maker. Don't be suprised if you have to do this multiple times. This may help you understand what her actual capacity is. Try offering her two outfits of clothes and letting her pick. Find things she can do like folding towels, setting the table etc. The thing I said before about not being able to initiate an action is very real but is very confusing to us because it looks like the person is lazy.

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Thank you so much.

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People with dementia have a problem with what is called initiation. They can't get STARTED with an action. You seem to be describing this. I have some doubts she would be safe left alone to use the stove etc. It's not easy to know what a person can actually do. You say you lay out her clothes, so this means she can't pick out clothes to wear. If she can't do that, I doubt she can do the things you want her to do. Perhaps there is a day program your daughter can take her to and then stay with her at night. I understand your desire to get away with your husband--this is so important. You might want to have some regular evenings out with husband. Get someone to stay with her. If you had an five year old kid, how would you handle this?

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Are you sure that it's safe for your mother to operate say a coffee pot, a toaster oven?

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So right. If a person can't figure out hoe to use the coffee maker, they are way beyond the point were it is safe for them to use it or other stuff.

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Are there any day programs or senior citizen outings that you could try and get her interested in?
You or daughter may have to go with her at first.
What about meals on wheels?

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Once my mom's dementia started showing up, she was increasingly burning pots and pans, and eventually unable to use the microwave. My sister, who lived with her at that time, had to remove the knobs on the stove. Mom didn't like it but sister didn't want to wake up to a house on fire.

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I have to admit, I'm kind of envying your situation. I have the opposite problem. My 91-year-old MIL has an obsession with cooking huge amounts of food that she never eats, so it ends up going to waste. It's not even edible cooking; she's just "playing house." We live with her, plus she has a lady who comes to assist her several hours each day. There are plenty of helpers available, but she still gets into what I call a "kitchen frenzy" and we fear for her safety. She also starts calling/texting people to have them do things for her, without checking with us first. Almost 100% of these requests are redundant (something we already took care of) or just plain unnecessary. I would love it if she were more docile, like your mother is! ;-)

I agree with those who said to have someone check on her while you're away.

Loads of blessings!

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"I think she has gotten so use to me doing everything that she doesn’t want to try. "

"She almost coughed herself to death once and didn’t think to get up and get water"

You must be exhausted. I hope between family and professionals you can get periodic vacations. You are basically running an assisted living facility if not nursing home, which is commendable.

I highlighted quotes which suggest to me, anyway, that you may be projecting onto her. Remembering that our thinking is not what it used to be. That's why they need help.

If you want to start challenging her in a good way I would bring in a geriatric professional of some kind. What you don't want is a choking episode, fall, or delirium to set in. Like I said, you have basically set up the family home version of assisted living if not a nursing home and those places are staffed by professionals.

When I'm ready can I move in too lol!!! I read a post recently on humor with links to things like knock knock jokes and reader's digest. I'm trying to lighten up a little. The intensity of it all is getting to me at least.

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That’s my mom. They rely on us.

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Do NOT Go out of Town and Leave Her ALONE at Home...Please, Find someone to Look in on Mom...Making Meals without you There and no one to Care, That is the Most Important thing.

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Thank you...after many replies this is the best thing to do. My daughter will stay whenever we plan a weekend away. If my mom wasn’t able to get around I would never think of leaving her without me being there. Even with help.

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I wondered why my Mom stopped cooking and doing other things for herself too. It seemed to happen overnight but, in reality, there had been changes in her routine/behavior that I just hadn't noticed. Looking back now, I realize these changes were because of her cognitive decline. Either she didn't remember how to do things or they became too complicated, even if there were directions on the box. I tried the frozen meals but when I realized she was forgetting they were in the freezer, I knew something had to change. She loved to make chocolate chip cookies - they were her signature baked item. When she stopped making them too and that's when I knew she was really struggling. She would never say that, though, so it was by observing her in the kitchen that I knew she could not handle cooking or baking anymore.

I, too, thought maybe I was just doing too much for her - making it easy to stop doing for herself. I know now, though, that she was either confused or afraid to try because she wasn't comfortable - even in a kitchen that she had cooked/baked in for almost 60 years. You mentioned about your Mom's coughing and not thinking about getting up to get a drink - that is a good indication that she isn't able to think things through like she used to.

It is so hard for us to realize this is what is happening because this isn't the person we once knew. But, as difficult as it is for us, I can't imagine how it must be for the person who is changing. In her more insightful moments, my Mom would be so sad recognizing she could no longer do the things she always did. I, then, would wish she could just simply forget. My niece called it "dementia purgatory" which is an apt description. My lesson from it all was to try and put myself in my Mom's shoes and practice patience as that is what I would hope for if I ever found myself in the same position. Best to you and your Mom, I give you a lot of credit for taking such good care of her.

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When we had to stop my mother from using the stove due to her burning pots, we went to an all-microwaved meal diet. Fortunately the quality of those meals is steadily improving, and my mother loves having "official" printed directions. She doesn't have to remember anything. We have an electric kettle that turns itself off when the water for her tea reaches boiling. Sandwiches have too many moving parts for her to consider. Try being there the first few times she fixes her lunch in the microwave. I thought it would be much harder than it turned out to be. She likes the independence and the easiness.

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That is great!! Even with me being with her, it would be good for her to do every now and then.

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You can contact AL,s or Rehab places and they often have respite beds meaning a single room to rent by the day. Then she would have company, meals and med supervision. Others have already suggested you hire an agency or get daughter to stay there.
You absolutely must take time away when you can to recharge and give yourself a break and your marriage some attention. You would probably be worried the entire time away if you left her alone. And she would probably call you constantly. So that doesn’t sound like a true break does it?

when you are home, you could try getting a small plastic tub or container in which you put her favorite sandwich makings grouped together. Have a note taped on top for bread location. Put things like lunch meat, condiment, and cheese inside. Show it to her and then when she wants a sandwich show it to her again and see how she does without supervision. If she fails to be able to process the steps to make a sandwich on her own..you know she has executive functioning issues. The more you do for her also, the more ability she loses. But it’s not because she’s lazy per se. I think it’s fine to level with mom in a respectful way and tell her it would help you out if she managed somethings without you.

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Thank you
this is very helpful.

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bengentleben-
I am in a similar situation with my husband. He has Parkinson's and there is a form of dementia that comes with that. I am an active, healthy 68 yo and ride horses at least four times a week. My passion is showing these horses in reining competition. We recently moved to a smaller house/acreage in a new town. I have scheduled horse shows about once a month. I contacted one of the local home heath providers and we worked out a plan for a caregiver to come on the weekends that I am away. She comes in for 11/2 hours in the mornings to help him dress, get breakfast, meds. I cook and leave meals in the fridge for him to microwave for breakfast lunch and dinner. Thankfully, he can still do that. I always go over how to use the microwave before I leave. He is usually fine during the day, mostly just sleeps. The caregiver comes back in the evening around 8 and stays until 9:30 to help him get dressed for bed (he is incontinent at night and requires a diaper which he can't get on by himself). I have taken two weekends so far and (fingers crossed) this has worked out well. My two sons live about 15-20 minutes away and one of them will usually come by and check on him on Saturdays. I have to have this respite to maintain my sanity and you should too. Check into primary home care providers in your area. I have to pay a little more because of the abbreviated schedule but it is sooo worth it to be able to get away, worry free (almost). Also, since he takes meds 5 times a day, I bought a device that dispenses his pills on schedule. It is locked, and there is an alarm that sounds when it's time to take the pills. Also have a back up alarm on his phone in case he can't hear the pill box alarm. Have used this for around 18 months and it works really well. Conditioned responses are still possible in people with dementia, I guess. Good luck and prayers to you. Take care of YOURSELF!!

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Thank you so much.
Your post is very helpful. The pill timer is a great idea too. My mom complains of dry mouth so she wants to take her medication before 3:00pm. I’ve been putting her evening pills with her lunch pills. She knows the difference and will take her evening pills in her room to take later. The problem I’m seeing now is, she’ll drop pills on the floor. This worries me because, we have animals and grand children (They know better but, you never know.) Time for me to regroup! So your post is a good help.

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Mom cannot be left home alone for that long. ASk doctor office if they have caretakers or know of someone.

check with local adult day care centers or hospitals about caretakers or friends if they know anyone.

Meals on wheels/ volunteer organizations. You are in a tough spot.

She needs more daily care. Don't plan her to make food now. Ask doctor about palliative care.

Enroll her in adult daycare a few times a week.

You take care, breathe.

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She needs a man

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It sounds as though she may have the beginnings of dementia. I don’t recommend leaving her home alone. I would check into having family care for her or if there is no family then private caregivers. I don’t know what health conditions she has, but it’s possible she could qualify for hospice and hospices do offer respite stays at facilities usually available once every 2-3 months. It’s also possible that she is depressed. I suggest discussing the things from your post with her Dr. I hope you’re able to find someone to care for her so that you can get a break!

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Thank you
So many post have been very helpful. Thank you for yours. I have access to help right at hand but I didn’t think about it until I read posts like yours.
I plan to have my daughter stay with her if I need her. She would be great and someone my mom knows.

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I totally understand the desire for some time away but it sounds if she has all the things listed on your profile then she likely needs to be watched 24/7. Sadly that means you will need to find alternative carers to take care of her while you are gone. I know this isn't easy but it is truth. Now may be a good time to start gathering your support system to protect you and keep her safe as things will likely only get harder as you go along this care-giving journey.
Coffee prep can be especially dangerous since the typical coffee pot dispenses water at around 180 degrees and can render third degree burns in just a second or two. I would suggest that is she is going to prepare coffee at all it be made with instant coffee and hot tap water. You can set your water heater to never go above 110-120 which is a much safer temp for her to use. Microwave use can also be very dangerous due to hot spots in food and metal reactions etc. Things we do without even thinking like stirring microwaved foods can be forgotten by elders with cognitive impairments resulting in life threatening injuries.

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I agree with your posting. Can’t leave her alone at this point. Love your response. Love the instant coffee idea too. Would be easy to try.

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Sounds like she really should not be left alone.
What would happen if you did not lay out her clothes? Manage her medications?
Before you plan a get-a-way try a day...
Start a discussion with her that she seems to be doing better and it is time she took on more responsibility. The next day she is on her own.
One day do not lay out her clothes, Do not manage her medications. She can get her coffee, breakfast, lunch, If you are there for lunch you can have lunch together make a couple of sandwiches and put them both in the refrigerator. Tell her it is there.( But she has to get hers.) Dinner you can sit as a family. After a few days of this you can easily assess if she can be left alone or is it a discussion for Assisted Living care of Memory Care. From what you have described I think your get-a-way is not going to happen unless you have someone come in or you place her for respite.

Another thought came to me is there Adult Day Care in your area? It sounds like she might do well, it would get her out of the house, a break for you and she would get more socializing that may improve her functioning overall.

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Grandma, when my mom first moved in with me. That’s what I did. It was due to my mom though. I offered to do it all. Not because I necessarily wanted to have total control or desired to overly spoil her. Of course I love her and she loves me but she initiated the independence. Emotions were running high at that time. She lost her home in Hurricane Katrina and I wanted to comfort her.

She wanted to retain some of her independence by doing for herself so I respected her wishes and I had more time to tend to husband and children.

Over time, she declined. Now I have to assist her with everything and it’s exhausting.

Pulling back some would help the daughter get a good feel for what is truly going on with her mom.

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Polarbear, Thanks for the bit about taste changing; mom's doctor and all of us are trying to get her to eat. Finally she says nothing tastes good; thought it was her meds - maybe not. Regardless, she won't eat.... not sure what comes next, but she has a weekly nurse come, so let her tell the doctor and see what happens.

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Oh boy! mally. If your mother doesn't eat, she won't last very long. I hope the doctor can help. Please come back and update us.

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My FIL lived alone & he got to the point that he wouldn't fix anything to eat. I started making 3 weeks worth of simple meals & put them in individual containers. I labeled each one w masking tape. Most would go in freezer. When I would go visit, I would move 3 meals out of freezer to frig. FIL would eat cereal for breakfast and would heat meal up each day. This worked for a year & half until a full time caregiver needed to be employed.

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Dad’s caregiver, I love to cook and freeze in portions. Really does help.

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My mother is 82 and has Alz. She doesn't remember any name of any food or what they taste like or even how to eat them. So, making food is out of the question for her.

Your mother at 85 and has Alz among other things according to your profile. She may not be as bad as my mother, but I would not be surprised if your mother has forgotten how to make food that she knew how her whole life.

My mom's taste buds also changed drastically. She drinks mostly nutritional shakes. Throughout the day, she likes to munch on sweet things, but only a couple bites here and there. So, we have a row of small containers of various snacks like crackers, cookies, cereals, etc. for her to munch on whenever she wants.

I agree with other posters that your mom should not be left alone. You need to hire a sitter to stay with her so that you can go out, take vacation and have a life.

My family hasn't gone on vacation for 3 years. Now that my mom is not with me 24/7, I am hoping we can get away for a few days to play with snow before winter is over.

I think you have to adjust your expectations of your mom. Otherwise, you will continue to be disappointed and angry.

I wish it wasn't this hard with sick and aging parents, but it is and it could be worse.

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Thank you so much. Great information. It really helps to read others stories and experiences.

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Her inability to take initiative for her own benefit shows that she should not be left alone. It’s too risky to think she will make her food, drink her fluids, take her meds, toilet herself and keep up her hygiene while you’re gone. But even more concerning is what would she do in an emergency? Can you say with 100% certainty she would be able to call 911 or would she be flummoxed and do nothing? Can your daughter stay with her while you’re gone? Could she stay with your daughter?

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Thank you, thank you!!
This is truly food for thought!

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I agree that she needs to be with someone at least in daytime. We hired someone to stay and had a wonderful respite the first year. Enjoy!

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Like the respite idea.

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Could you start small and build up? Leave her to get her own lunch or dinner. If she fails to do it, she won't be at risk physically. Get a small freezer if necessary, and stock it with a few frozen meals. Make sure that there is a preparation instruction that she can read without a microscope. Three times without lunch would be a good start to her deciding that things won't change unless she works out what to do. It would also give you more of an idea about whether this is a genuine deterioration or learned helplessness.

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This is a good idea also. The more I read the more I need to really consider how much she can do. It would be best to have my daughter stay and do what I do if, I decide to take a day or two.
thank you so much

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Your profile says Mom has ALZ/Dementia and is incontinent. Sorry, but I don't think she should be left alone for a few days. The coffee pot may be complicated to her and showing her may not work. Maybe she has forgotten how to make a sandwich or heat up her food thats why she allows u to do it. My Mom forgot how to cook a turkey dinner that she had done for 50 years. She forgot ingredients when she baked, been baking for 70 yrs. And this was in the early stage of her Dementia. Later it was not knowing how to use the TV remote or the cordless phone and leaving a pan on the stove. As the disease progresses, they are more comfortable in their own little space. Mom lasted no more than an hour out and was ready to come home.

And the incontinence, how is she going to handle that?

I would see if there is an AL near you were Mom can stay while u get away. Yes, it will cost but you will have peace of mind.

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Thank you so much! This really helps.

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Hire an in home caregiver. That'll give you the respite you need for your trip. Leaving your mother alone for a few days would not be a good idea. Especially when it comes to her meds. Look into Visiting Angels. We used them and they were wonderful.

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It might be time to revert to the childhood lessons your mother maybe gave you! Ask her directly to help with specific tasks, under supervision, gradually increasing the range of them until she's got her confidence back.

I remember well that it is quicker and easier just to manage these routines by yourself and not wait for your elderly mother to take all day to fix her breakfast porridge (guilty!) - but the downside, as you've discovered, is a loss of confidence and a sort of learned helplessness. It sounds as though that's what you want to try to reverse.

You may discover, of course, that for reasons unrelated to the nerve injury she actually is losing some of these abilities; but in that case you need to know about it so that you can arrange different support for your mother. I completely applaud your thinking about proper respite breaks for you and your husband, though.

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Thank you so much! My mom mind is strong but she is forgetting her words. I look at our situation and see this is the best time to plan. But, definitely not leave her alone.

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Hello,
I take care of my 84 year old mother, making sure she stays hydrated, takes her medication, etc. She mostly reads or does puzzles all day and the biggest challenge I have is getting her to exercise. She loves to go thrift stores and Walmart, so that's her exercise, lol... I have to be sure how I phrase questions because she likes to feel like she is still the mother in charge. I let her, and I give her respect. I don't argue or disagree - I learned that is futile through trial and error. But I do what's in her best interest.

If you would like to have your mother stay in our third bedroom (our other roommate just left because she now gets SSI and wanted a place of her own), it's furnished, and my mother would love the company. We have 2 cats and 1 small lovable little white dog.
Feel free to message me
Virginia
retired elementary school teacher

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Ms Fleming, you really don't want to put your personal contact details out here on an international public forum! If you go back to your post now, there should be time for you to edit it.

You can send private messages to individual posters by clicking on their screen names; though I think this particular post is about how to help mother be more independent and confident in the home where she is currently living.

My mother (85) lives with me. She can do a lot for herself, but won’t try to make own small meals. How can I set her up so I can take respite?

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