My mother is and always has been narcissistic. She still treats me as a nonentity, except for what she can get from me as her caretaker.
To be honest, I have always been an embarrassment to her. She tried to pass me off as a preemie, but I was born 8 months after their wedding and I weighed over 8lbs. She has always made a point to state that my father is my father and I look exactly like him. My life was miserable because it was my fault I was born. Now she's 89, I'm 70 and being an only child I have her in my home. She was cruel to me growing up and hasn't changed. With her dementia it's getting worse. I can barely tolerate her and my own health is nothing to shake a stick at.
I have tried hospice (she's not demented enough even though I have to follow her around to make sure everything is put back, she is incontinent and I'm constantly cleaning the bathroom floor and washing her clothes to get the stains out. I've called the Department of Aging...short staffed. Called "A Place for Mom," don't have the money to move her where she will be better taken care and I would have some freedom. Even my PTSD therapist has tried to get me help, but we have fallen through the cracks. To put her in Adult Day Care twice a week for four weeks is over $500 a month. Her widow benefits puts her over the poverty line so cannot get Medicaid to help and the over $500 is on the sliding scale. Applying for in-home assistance will give me one hour a week otherwise it will come out of my pocket. What can you do in one hour? I'm on widow benefits and below the poverty line. My mother's family live in the next town and Dad's relatives live in the next state. I always get...let me know if you need help and I'll take her for a couple of hours. When I call and ask for help like a week or two in advance, I get sorry I'm busy. I don't ask anymore. I was told to call Adult Protective Services and agree with anything they say or point out anything that could get her removed. They have never responded. I'm at my wit's end. I would appreciate some REAL suggestions. Saying put her in home or pay someone to watch her a couple of times a week is not feasible.
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I'm not sure what you were thinking back when you decided to take your mother into your home. Perhaps that she had changed and that you would now receive the love and acceptance you have craved from her your whole life???
I hate to tell you, but as you're finding out, it seldom if ever works out that way, and now you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and your own health is suffering.
I know that Adult Daycare Centers do offer financial help if it's needed, and the Shepherd Center(if you have one in your area)do have volunteers that will come out for free to visit for a few hours. There are also different Christian ministries that will offer someone to come out for free to visit so you can get away for a bit. You would have to research those online.
But in all honesty, you need to get your mother out of your house permanently, and the sooner the better.
So....call 911 and have the EMT's transport your mother to the hospital, saying you think she may have a UTI, or some other issue(yes, you may have to lie)and then once there, you tell the hospital social worker, that your mother CANNOT return to your home as you are no longer able to care for her and that she is an "unsafe discharge." And you keep using that term over and over. The social worker will then have to find placement for your mother.
Now the hospital will try and talk you into taking your mother back home with all kinds of promises of all what they can do to help you, but DO NOT fall for their lies as that is all they are.
Instead just keep repeating that your mother is an "unsafe discharge" until they understand that your mother cannot come back home with you.
And then once your mother is placed, you take a good long break and take care of yourself, as you matter too in this equation.
And then you can decide if you want to visit her at all or just once a week or month or whatever works best for your mental health.
Again...someone that was abused in any way from a parent or supposed loved one, should NEVER be the one responsible for their care. Period. End of sentence.
I hear what you are saying here. I am in the same situation - but I did not recognize my mother was a narc and that I have been abused my entire life until recently. If this is all we know, it's our "normal". Please don't be so harsh to others for things for which you do not understand.
Thank you.
I'm with Alvadeer, get this woman out of your house asap. Take Alvadeer's advice below. She hasn't steered anyone wrong here on this board.
Caretaking is hard enough even if we are doing it for someone we love dearly, but it will take its toll on us eventually.
When dealing with a narcissist, use the gray rock method. For me, this is a form of emotional detachment. Don't give a reaction to the nonsense. If you have a chore, do the chore and go do something good for yourself. Investing in a good pair of earplugs will help as well. That way, you won't be absorbing the toxic nonsense and ugliness she will spew out of her mouth at you.
I can't get over the fact that she was telling everyone you were premature weighing eight pounds at birth.
Please do not take this woman back into your home.
I would encourage you to Google qualified income trust or Miller trust for your state. This is the financial solution to her getting to much income for medicaid. You will need to use an attorney, paying with her money but, it will be worth every penny.
I would also encourage you to do the ER dump if you are not able to continue to safely care for her until this is sorted out. Hospitals can get emergency guardianship so much faster then us, this may be your only solution to this problem.
You matter too!
Great big warm hugs!!!
You have, it seems to me, been enmeshed in one another's lives for a VERY LONG TIME.
For instance, in all you tell us here about your mother, you do not tell us whose home the two of you are living in.
That matters, despite the fact that at this point it is the home of BOTH of you legally.
You are, at 70, stuck in a time 7 decades ago when you were born.
That isn't especially healthy thinking, because in all truth no one cares in our current times whether your mom and dad had a shotgun marriage or not.
I honestly don't have any answers for you that your own therapist does not have.
I think you will not get help from "family" but certainly you can keep trying.
You have mentioned that you have financial issues, so I think in lieu of expecting them to step in and give you respite (they apparently won't do that) you can tell them please to help you with groceries.
Send them collectively and individually a wish list of staples you need for the home, including incontinence supplies.
When things become impossible for you to handle any more, I agree with RealyReal that it is time for the ER dump in which you have Mom transported to hospital with some trumped up lie (stroke, lashing out, anything you can come up with). Then call in social workers and tell them you cannot mentally or physically care for her, and she cannot return to the home. In fact, get a note from that therapist of yours that trying to continue to care for Mom endangers your health. I would not take on POA. Let the state take guardianship and place your mother in a nursing home.
Now, mind you, if she is rational and walking they WILL return her home, as it IS HER HOME, as well as it is yours.
Normally I suggest people separate themselves from troubled family.
I am sorry to say that, at 70, not even knowing whose name is on title of home deed, I feel it is "too late" for that, and I can but wish you good luck. Which certain I do wish you. And I hope you will update us.
If your house, sell it & move.
If Mom's house, move out.
What would stop you packing a bag, getting on a bus or train & travelling as far away as you could get?
The reason you don't mention dementia at all to the EMTs or doctors is that dementia is not a medical emergency or anything that can be treated at a hospital. They won't take her. You tell them she's not acting normal and you don't know why. Has she ever had a cogntive or memory test? If so it might be in her chart, but still what you tell the EMTs is what matters.
If you are your Mom's PoA you should resign otherwise the hospital and county will hound you to take her back, which they may do anyway.
Does she live in your house or do you live in hers? If you live in hers it might eventually get tricky if she becomes a ward of a court-appointed guardian. Then you will need to move out.
If she's in your house, it's technically her legal residence. Just don't go get her no matter what they say or promise you. Maybe even divulge that you're in therapy and that your mental health can't handle caring for her. Make sure no other relative goes to get her to drop her off at your home.
I'm so sorry she treated you like that. I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. It will feel bad for a while but once the county steps in, things should improve. Hang in there!