My mother is dominating my home. How to deal?

What were her former living conditions that were "anything but desirable and unsafe"?

So your mother is 66 and has "age-related decline, anxiety, depression, and lung disease."

Why did you decide to take her in? Do you have siblings? What is her financial situation?

I'm impressed that you are studying to be a nurse, and your mother's selfishness should not get in the way of that goal. I suppose that because you're studying nursing that you are expected to become her caregiver?

Are you even charging your mother anything for rent? Utilities? Food?

You are entitled to insisting that your own home be smoke-free AND to give your mother very strict boundaries as to what she can and cannot do in YOUR home.

Better yet, she should just move out. If she's only 66, she can have a lot of years left to make your life miserable.

Janie, do you see a pattern here? You keep getting dominated by other people.

Start out by finding a therapist who can help you understand this pattern of behavior of yours.

Your mom is young; I am 68, live independently with a bi-monthly housekeeper and look after myself and my husband. There is no reason that your mother can't do the same for herself.

I would sit down with her and say "mom, this isn't working out; you need to move. By July 1, you need to have your own place. If you'd like help finding one, please let me know. But we can't live together."

“Boo hoo”? You’re allowing yourself to be manipulated because she cries?

”Walking on eggshells” in your own home?

SHE hasn’t “pushed (you) out of (your) office”- you GAVE it to her.

And when you tell her that you NEED the office THAT IS YOURS because it is your study site, and you are studying to increase YOUR skills and earning potential SHE CRIES??

If she needs IL or AL, attractive opportunities are available. Also “low income housing”. If she is willing to give these alternatives to leaching off you a shot, she will need to be aware in advance that tears won’t work. Their rules or the sidewalk.

Go back and read over what you’ve written. Then read it again. Then, if you’re still unconvinced that YOU have rights that SHE’S unfairly and unreasonably encroaching on, seek out a therapist for yourself, preferably someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy.

One thing you don’t have to worry about is your right to “harbor resentment”. Your resentment is fully justified.

Janie

”I feel defeated, lost,walking on eggshells and am beginning to harbor resentment”

You sound depressed. Get mad. It’s one step above depressed but only get just mad enough to take action. Don’t stay in depression or anger. It can become habitual. And by the way, what you are doing isn’t helping your mother’s health.

https://chfs.ky.gov/agencies/dail/Pages/default.aspx

Try this link. Call these folks to see if they can help you find your mother another home. You may have to evict her so look up Kentucky rules for eviction.

With her current habits any place she lives will be less than desirable and unsafe FOR YOU. she sounds like she knows how to make herself at home wherever she goes.

You made a 17 yr foray into a situation that wasn’t good for you and you jumped right back into another. Please stop doing this to yourself. Call a therapist today so they can help you understand your need to let someone else mistreat you.

Mom is too young to be content in a bedroom. She obviously wants a larger space for herself. She is not even old enough to be on Medicare! She needs a job. it sounds like she had aspirations Of a crafter but isn’t pursuing it.

If you asked her to come live with you and made some promises that she uses to guilt trip you, then apologize.
Tell her you were wrong to make her think she could live with you and take over your home.
Tell her you will take all the blame but she has to go. Thank her for helping you transition from your Past relationship but that you have it now and she can go live her best life. It’s been two years. You have no idea how quick that can turn into 20 years.

Make a plan. Get support. Follow the law. Get her out. Get you studying for the next phase of your life.

Come here and vent. We will help you. We know it isn’t easy but you can do it.

And to put a more positive spin on things, Mom needed out of where she was. You needed a distraction?
Not sure why you jumped in. Therapy will help find out and just as important help you not do it again.

But regardless, your living together has served its purpose and now you need your own space under your own terms. Thanks mom, you are the best but let’s find a new place for your crafts and Hallmark.

Well as an "outsider" this is an easy fix.
You tell mom that she has 2 months to find other housing. Assisted Living, Independent Living, a condo or apartment. Tell her you will help her look.
You tell her that she has overstepped and it is time to move out.
You are a little bit at fault here in that even after you told her that she could not smoke in the house you allowed it in a small room that you used as an office. AND then she "took over" that room as well. No smoking in the house means NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. That smoke does not stay just in that room with airflow in houses that smoke goes to every room. And it gets into all soft surfaces as well as drywall. (look up 3rd hand smoke) She should also pay to have that particular room "decontaminated"
If her moving is not an option then you need to set and stick to some hard rules and do not let her cross boundaries that you set. If she crosses the line again I would say that then she HAS to move out.

See I told you as an outsider this was an easy fix.
Now you have to decide what you want to do and what you will tolerate.

I was a smoker my whole life and quit just over a year ago. My home has been smoke-free for many years. If you do not allow smoking in your house, that is the end of it.
Tell mother that if she lights up another one in your house, she will not be living in your house anymore.
Lay down the law in your house. If you decide to let her remain in your home tell her in no uncertain terms that she will abide by your rules and boundaries or she will be given a 60 day notice to quit and have to move out.
Stop letting her ruin your home with the crafting and smoking. Tell her exactly what every parent has told their child at some point in their lives.

If you live under my roof, you live by my rules.

I have a feeling because of Mom thats why you married a narcissist. I have said this for years, two woman cannot live together. Wish you had joined the forum before you made the decision to move Mom in because we would have told you don't do it. And if you chose to do it, boundries needed to be set from day one and enforced.

If you are going to be a Nurse you are going to meet a lot of different personalities, not all nice. You have to learn how to deal with them. So, Mom is a good start to learn how to assert yourself when needed.

Have a sit down with Mom over the kitchen table across from each other. Look her in the eye and say "Mom this arrangement is not working. You have taken over MY house. So, there either has to be some compromising here or we will need to find you your own place because you seem to need more room than I am wilking to give you. Starting today, I am taking back my office. You will have a bath of your own and your bedroom and your craft area. The living room and kitchen are common areas that are shared. I have found I can no longer tolerate the smoking so you will have to do that outside the house."

Let her Boo Hoo. You know she is manipulating you to get what she wants. Let her rant and rave, do not give in. Sorry Mom this is the way it has to be if u want to live here. My house my rules. Boundries are not boundries if you let her tear them down. She needs you more than you need her. She will realize this when you just walk away and let her think about what you have said.

Your Mom is ONLY 66. I have friends who at 73 are still working. She had a hip replacement and he is a diabetic. Mom's health problems are her fault. You can't have lung desease and continue to smoke. A friend of mine suffers from lung problems because of her fathers smoking growing up, she has never smoked. You may want to tell Mom you do not plan on caring for her physically. That you will not hesitate putting her in a NH if her care gets more than u can handle. You need to work.

Mom should have Medicare. Is she collecting Social Security? If not she can be, you don't have to wait till 67, I started at 62 getting 75% of what I would get at 66. There are HUD apts where you pay 30% of your monthly income for rent. There are resources out there for Mom if she is on her own. Maybe a nice little job would be good for Mom. Could be a hostess job, or a receptionist part-time. Gets her out of the house and cuts down on her smoking.

Once ur back into your office, put a lock on it. I would not put it passed Mom to go in there and smoke and watch TV when ur not home. Read the book Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its a good book. You have the opportunity while you are still pretty young to change your world. This will be the time you find out who YOU are. To be an independent woman you need to learn how to use the word NO.

No, is a one word sentence

From the book Boundries...When using the word No you are not responsible for the reaction u receive.

My new mantra..."I am here to help people find the way, not be the way." This means you help people find the resources, maybe even get them the forms, but its up to the person to carry it thru. Not you doing everything for them only to find out the person didn't take advantage of your efforts.

Good Luck

Just to add:

She "boo-hoos".

So?

So what?

Get over this. Your mother cries to get her way. Stand strong and say, I'm sorry that you're sad, but this is my house that this is MY decision.

Hi! I was just reading about you having to "take care" of your mom with "age-related decline." Mom has the ability to craft, hang out with friends, enjoy watching TV in YOUR OFFICE while smoking away and you're taking care of her? Ummm...no. Look, if it's correct that she is 66 (as I read in the thread), let me advise you of something. Age 66 is not ancient, she may not be as perky as she was a bit back, but she has the ability to care for herself. I'm her age and though definitely slower than a few years back, I'm not ready to jump into the grave. If she is young enough to have an active social life, she is young enough to care for herself. You are both grown women and you really need to share the house as adults. Put down your foot on no smoking. Why should you risk getting COPD because she smokes. That's a non-negotiable. She can smoke in the yard or if this is a coop or condo then she can go downstairs outdoors to smoke. Gird your loins, girl, don't let a boo-hoo turn you into mush. She is not a frail flower. She is relatively young and has years left. Don't let her make your life miserable.

Stand up for yourself. You're the boss now, not her. Once your old mom moves in with you you're in charge. No cigarettes in the house. Put a sign on the wall. If she smokes in the house throw away her cigarettes. You put up with abuse for 17 year and now you're doing it again. Don't be a doormat.

Not as easy to get a divorce from a Mom you asked to move in as it is to get one from hubby. It's very hard to live with others. I think some of the problem was magical thinking that this would all work itself out because rules were agreed to. But there is also reinforcement of rules when needed.
Boo hoo is JUST FINE. In fact, life is full of moments when tears are great. What is NOT fine is breaking the rules. So time now to have a nice cup of tea and a long discussion about the rules of this, your household.
When you chose a smaller room you said who you are, what you needs are, what your expectations are, and what you will put up with. Problem is that she took your word for it; you are willing to put your own needs last.
I suspect that you knew who Mom is before she moved in. But magical thinking and fantasy took over. It's time now for a dose of reality. Mom won't change. This is your house. The rules need to be obeyed because once you are in a board and care home there isn't a lot of room for crafting.

Setting boundaries is good, but you don't enforce them, so your mother doesn't abide by them. Then she moves them, & you give in: your reluctance doesn't count.

I agree that you should seek counseling, therapy - maybe a support group - to help you develop skills so that you no longer enable her behavior. Only then will you be able deal with and resolve the situation. It won't be quick or easy. It will be messy & most likely will get worse before it gets better because your mother will fight the "new you." You also will have doubts, but if you follow through, you will gain the self confidence you need to stand up for yourself without feeling that you're betraying the love you have for her.

Good luck.
I know you're in a difficult place.

You must have "Welcome" on your forehead, because you're being treated like a doormat.

Move the TV out of your office and into her room. That would solve a lot of problems right there. If the office isn't appealing to her, she won't go there.

A 24 x 24 crafting room is huge. No reason a recliner and tv can’t go in there as well. I wouldn’t let her smoke inside. The smell is impossible to get out. You deserve your own space to work or study. Resentment is a difficult place to come back from. Might be better for Mom just to move out.

Sorry, but she probably is not stronger than you. You are allowing this. Take back the space you need and deserve, or help her find assisted living.
Let this be a reminder to all people who are considering moving someone into their home who has a completely different lifestyle. IT DOES NOT WORK.

You don’t have to take her act. Why does she come to your office to watch tv? She should be watching in her room.

Your mother is not supposed to be smoking in your house. Take her cigarettes away and post in every single room “No Smoking.” If she cry’s, tell her she has broken the rules and you are not going to allow it in your house anymore. She will have to move out if she can’t follow the rules and good luck in trying to find a place that will accommodate her.

Your mother needs to confine her crafting to the space you designate. The house is yours. You need to charge her rent and tell her the space she is paying for AC nd that so far she has gotten away with a few things but from now on she has to comply or be evicted.

i remodeled my detached garage (400 sq feet) as my craft room and decided for my peace of mind and happiness to give it up to my daughter so I would not have to smell her pets in my house. My sewing room is her old bedroom and a small portion of the basement. I am perpetually trying to rearrange myself so I don’t bother the rest of my family but ever day I wish I had the 400 sq feet, and am happy not to smell her stinky dogs. The trade off is there. I keep thinking that she won’t be here forever or more likely I won’t be here forever - I.e. DH and I will sell the house and move to independent living.

That is another topic for another day.

You are doing a lot for your mother and have made many compromises for her. Please don't feel guilty about keeping the space you need in your own home. Your mother also has to respect your needs if you are going to live together successfully. Tell her that you need to take back your office space so that you can study and advance your career. This will benefit both of your lives. Can you conceed the garden room for her crafting, smoking and TV watching? Move a TV into the garden room for her. Set a date to move her stuff out of your office and then do it. If necessary, put a lock on the office door and lock it. Don't let her get into your head with a guilt trip. Set your boundaries so that you also feel comfortable in your own home. Seek therapy if needed to learn how to handle her as an adult. Can you also encourage her to get out of the house and participate in activities with other seniors, now that the pandemic seems to be subsiding? Get connected with senior networks in your area, find out if there is a senior center that can provide transportation, etc. Getting connected with a local social worker may help you find out about the resources available for her. All the best to both of you, and a big hug to you!

I could say a lot. I’ll let others. No smoking ever is allowed inside any area of my house. It is a killer and it just plain stinks!!!!!

How much crafting can she do while she's holed up in your office smoking and watching tv all day?

24x24 crafter haven (with lots of light and a decent heater in it) sounds like a great place to study, no?

Um. I'm probably missing something. But if she actively *chooses* the smallest bedroom in the house with an en suite bathroom attached to it... doesn't that work for you quite well, actually? What prevents your re-appropriating the other rooms?

I had the exact same scenario. It has been 3.5 years now. Mom still lives with me but we did move to a house that suited our needs better. I have had to work on my mental health a lot since I made that decision to move her in. My key suggestions are:
1. Have calm, non-accusing conversations about boundaries. Like she can have the craft room, but you need to take the office back. Try pulling some heartstrings about how much nursing school means to you and you need it for your career. If she does not relate, then you know you will just have to strongly define the boundaries and likely she will not be sympathetic on many fronts.
2. Work on mutual acceptance. My mom rarely sees my point, definitely selfish and rationalizing does not work many times. They are likely not going to change, we have to navigate around it.
3. She is suffering from loss of her home and independence. Even though it is not practical for them to live alone, they are mourning that loss. My mom never understood the sacrifices I made to accommodate her and she never will. I have learned acceptance of this challenging season of my life.
4. Remember - You are doing the morally right thing by caring for your mom. Our conflict has reduced since we learned each other’s ways, but I have threatened that she live elsewhere when she crosses my boundaries. Not sure if you have siblings, but getting a break from her is helpful.
5. I work on my mental health with Gratitude journal. Took me a long time to get there, but I have a page about the things I am grateful for about my mom. I vent to my brother on the phone (lives across the country).
6. getting her a wireless headset for the tv could help.
7. Bravo for being compassionate, brave and strong. It is not easy but your soul is richer and this will evolve and pass.
8. Don’t be scared to investigate other options so you have back-up plans if you cannot find a way to co-exist.
Hugs to you. 💜👍🏽

What prevents her from living alone? Sounds like she is physically able, mentally able and financially able. Start looking for housing for her because this IS NOT working for you. You allowed her to move in prematurely. STOP BEING A PUSH OVER. Seek help!!

You divorced a controlling husband in exchange for a bossy mom. You bought your own home allowing your mother to dominate all of the free spaces.
Take back your control, please. You need your room to study. Cigarette smoke does more than stink up the place for a day. Constant smoking in your room will eventually stick on the walls and require paint to get the smell toned down. I remember that my ex and I stayed at a motel one time, and it was horrible. The room smelled like cigarette smoke constantly since it allowed smoking.

Stop being a doormat for people. There is no tiptoeing around folks when you need to set some boundaries and enforce them.

I agree with the person that asks what is preventing her from living alone. Can you find a small duplex close to you? Look into options for income for her. Social Security has an option called "Extra help" where you can get about 2-300 extra a month. Move her out and help her with the rent etc... She may actually enjoy living alone with visits from you and both will appreciate having a more positive environment. God bless you!

Janie, a bunch of us are in our 60s. I am 66 and working 60+ hours/week. No, I am not in great shape but I am not ill either. I choose to stay active. In addition to work, I drive about 500 miles/week, and have many hobbies (but no time for them). I also have kids, step kids and grandkids that I am involved with, and an elderly mother.

Change your perspective on Mom. Get her out of your house. She will probably live to torment you for decades. You are young and deserve to have a good life, hopefully with a loving partner (I met my husband at 49). It isn't just the house and space, Mom is taking over your life. If she loves you she wants you to be happy. If she doesn't feel this way she is either demented or too selfish to live with. Either way, out she goes. I'm suggesting move her out even if she does agree to rules. Having her live with you will probably prevent living with someone else in the future. Please, take your life back and go back to being a loving daughter.

Your mother is walking all over you, unfortunately, despite your good intentions including her in your plan for YOUR home. There does seem to be a 'pattern' here that she is taking advantage of, playing on your marriage issues; I sense your husband's personality mirrored your mom's but we don't expect our parents to 'abuse' us (but growing up we don't always recognize those traits.) Folks like your (our!) mom don't respect boundaries; they feel 'put upon' by them instead of being mutually considerate. Take back your power and your Space. Evict her from your office, and insist she only smoke outside, period. Secondhand smoke is dangerous for your health; her Narcissism makes her Not Even Care. Let her know, not even 'delicately' but frankly, as both of you are adults, that if she cannot adjust to your rules in your home she will need to live elsewhere. Then follow through. You are not 'the kid' anymore, subject to your mom's whims or lifestyle, she is privileged to live in YOUR house. She is manipulating you with all the 'you can't do this to me' to shake your resolve and bend you to her will; she is playing on your emotions; she is not demonstrating either cooperation nor gratitude, so draw a line and tell her to choose: Adjust to Your Lifestyle or Find Other Housing. All the best for all concerned, which means You, too! You've tried this arrangement and it's just not working for Both of you...time for a change!

You opened the door to abuse of the situation from the get go by allowing your mother to smoke in your office—in your private space. You say you don’t want smoking in your house, yet you gave your mother permission to smoke in your private space, not her private space, but your private space. She has COPD, at 66, which means she is a heavy smoker. She has COPD and she still smokes, which means she is not going to stop anytime soon. Did you really expect her to light up an occasional cigarette? Your mother’s priority is to her addiction—smoking—, not you. You will ALWAYS come second to her addiction. Simply tell your mom the situation is not working for you. Tell her she needs to move into her craft room and vacate your office. Place a lock on the office door and move the TV or get a new TV and place it in the craft room. If she has a problem with this, simply tell her:” I invited you to live in MY home. I have tried to accommodate your wishes. I expect you to accommodate my wishes. If you cannot be respectful of my wishes, then you should consider finding another place to live.” Your tears count more than hers because this is your house, not hers.

Are you uncomfortable living alone?Does she provide income?

Because she should be living in her own apartment. She would probably love a senior living environment with planned activities and group get togethers. At age 66, she could be with you for a very long time.

By the way, I’m 68 and taking care of a 92 year old uncle who lived with me for two months before he was promptly removed and lives in an apartment now. Before him I gave care to his deceased wife, both my parents and my brother (ALS). I worked full-time, raised three kids and help with my Autistic grandchild and a pair of twins.

Your mother is not a victim, she is the product of her own life choices.

There's a lot of good advice here about telling your mom the boundaries. I would also suggest you find a place for her to go at the same time. Have an address, a moving plan for the crafts, the recliner and the ashtrays. Just talking will probably not help get her out of your house. Make a solid plan (put packing boxes in the hall!) and then tell her to bide by the original plan until she has moved to her new home. Perhaps you could pack up the craft room while she's watching a Hallmark movie! Do you have a friend who would help you pack those things? Mom might not be so BooHoo in front of a stranger.

I realize just how hard this is going to be. Try to continually remind yourself, say it to yourself over and over...........the ex ruined the first half of your life, now this woman, who just happens to be your mother, is bent on ruining the rest of your life. You tried to be a good daughter to a bad mom, it never works! Don't let it happen!

Good luck and stay tuned in here so we will know you are okay!

Moving her out is probably best, as others have suggested. If you want to try, Could you try downsizing her to Just the sunroom and her bedroom. Put her TV and recliner and ash tray in the sunroom. Once the weather is nice, OPEN all the sunroom windows. Smoking Outside when weather nice. No smoking in bed, of course. Good luck. I would move her to a small apartment near by. She chose to give up her dream crafting room by not following the rules. Let one of her many friends set up the crafting room in their house and she can come over and use it. Don’t give up the second half of your life for a difficult mother. There is often a reason we end up with narcissists as partners. Good luck.

You are being taken advantage of - Move her Out . Let her rent a room some where . There are Plenty of Senior apartments 65 and up that are Based on Low income housing where you Pay 30 % of your social security . I am afraid she is not going to change . She is smoking in your House , stealing your office and taking over your sun room. 66 is very young - she needs to stop Mooching and sponging off of you . There are people that think its fine to take advantage of another person . You need to grow up and Kick her out . She is not your responsibility .